| Title: Lost In The Abyss Author: Claire Beattie Rating: PG Summary: Mac is overcome with darkness. Disclaimer: Harm and Mac along with other JAG folks belong to Bellsario Productions, CBS and Paramount. Since Webpage: http://www.crosswinds.net/~jagweb/index.htm I've dedicated this little fun fiction to all the Mac fans out there, you inspire me every day. Also to Melissa who rightly informed me that disease was too much of a sympathy gainer for my purposes. |
Psychiatric Hospital
Washington, D.C.
Here I am, Lieutenant Colonel Sarah MacKenzie USMC. Well at least that's what I used to be. But it feel like a million years ago now. But one thing is still vivid in my mind and I curse that image to this day. Not for his presence but because it's always a dream, never real. But at the time each and every one feels real but I really should know better by now.
If only I had known back then. I suppose people are right about me, I never learn. If I did I would not be right here now, I would be with him. With Harm, my partner, my friend, the man I love. But she's with him instead, or maybe not it's been so long since I've seen him. Once they married he slowly stopped coming to visit me. I often wonder if she stopped him or he simply forgot about me.
I'm not even sure which one I prefer, not that it matters anymore. He made a decision a long time ago that she was more important than me. That he loved her more than me. Perhaps he made the right decision, we could never be together, I'm here. This has become my home, my own home was fresh in my memory at first but it has began to fade. I try desperately to hold on to memories but they are slowly drifting away from me. The one that I cling to more than any other are those of Harm.
It's all I have left here but I know they will never fade or are they fading already? They could all be gone and I would never realize it. I don't want that, the memories bring me pain as well as happiness. But it keeps me alive in this place, if not for my pain I know I would be just another body lying alone with nothing in the world.
I remember the day he came in and told me he was getting married. I should have been happy for him, but I had yet to accept my fate then. I still held on to hope for Harm and I, together one day. I refused to accept that this could be so brutally destroyed, the hopes and dreams still being so strong, my love for him. I used to believe he returned those feeling but that final delusion left me on that day.
I remember very little about her, Lieutenant Commander Teresa Coulter, or Terri as Harm calls her. I know we meet on a few occasion, she seemed dedicated to her work and a great asset to the investigation. On a personal level I couldn't say but Harm loves her, she must be a special person and a very lucky one too. If I could only have a small part of that luck my life might have ended differently.
Ended? You might think that's a little strange. After all I'm here, a living and breathing human being, I'm thinking, I'm feeling. But that's all. That does not make a life, I know other people disagree but it's no life for me. I've been all over the world and seen many people live, improve them, interfered in their lives and destroyed them but there was always something in those lives that mad them sure they were alive. If not for my pain I wouldn't be sure.
This could be hell. Sometimes I wish I could be there instead of here. Heaven, I haven't even considered that. A person like me doesn't. I never believed in god, I've seen too many horrible things happen to good people. I want to believe there is something beyond our small lives but I don't know. I've thought about it so much that I just don't know anymore.
Vaguely I can remember why I came here. I was to marry a good man, Mic Brumby, but there was always Harm. I loved Harm not Mic, he would have been a good husband and he wanted to marry me. But I should have know better than to be swept away in the fantasy of it all. Like a fool, like so many other women I believe I could learn to love Mic, but I failed or maybe I wasn't trying hard enough. I often wonder if I had made more of an effort to love Mic and forget Harm, if I would be here, I could be with Mic now.
But he would probably still be with her, I used to believe that I could be with Harm if I hadn't been such a bitch, if I had not been so foolish but that was an illusion I can see now, a faint dream. But damn it's a beautiful dream and one that keeps the fear, the loneliness and nightmares away every night. I've lost Harm, I can't lose my dreams. I don't even hold out the slightest bit of hope of them coming true I'm not sure I even want them to come true anymore.
He looked so happy the last time he visited me, his daughter had just been born. The pictures showed a beautiful baby girl, with Harm's blue eyes, big and bright. My stomach lurched at it all, my chest hurt, I knew I wasn't going to be seeing Harm very often from now on. He had a wonderful life he didn't need to be held back by me. But I forced myself to smile at him, his wide grin was infectious. How could I ever take all that away from him.
I might not like her for taking Harm away from me but I can't help but see how happy she has made Harm. I should really be thanking her, she has given him the life, the happiness, the children I never could, the last thing I want is to see him deteriorate like I have. That would be the end of me if I caused Harm the kind of pain I am going through.
************
Years Ago
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, Virginia
I strode through JAG headquarters into my office, where a huge bouquet of flowers lay on my desk. Sighing I pick up the card, as I expect they are Mic's doing. Suddenly the grinning Australian appeared in my doorway. He's obviously pleased with himself and his damn flowers.
Mic rambles on and I try to nod all at all the right time but I become distracted when I spy Harm talking to a blond woman. I strain to see who it is and Mic notices.
"What's wrong, Mac." he asks.
"Um, nothing. Mic. I just have to see Bud about a few things." I pick up the nearest file I can find and make my way into the bullpen.
Finally I can see her clearly, Commander Coulter is deep in discussion with Harm. He tilts his head slightly, she looks down at the ground sadly. I try to overhear their conversation but they are speaking quietly. Brumby is watching me and I make my way over to Bud's desk. I don't know what the hell I'm going to ask him.
I'm drawn away from watching them when Bud's podgy body bangs into me. His files sprawl across the floor and he bumbles out an apology.
"I should thinks so, Lieutenant. You should be watching where your going." I spit out.
Turning around after my tirade I see every set of eyes in the room focus on me, especially those of a certain Commander. His eyes are dark and disapproving, Commander Coulter looks on concerned. Well she would be, her and Harm must be perfect for each other, they can have nice long discussion about what good and upstanding citizens they are. I march quickly into my office slamming the door in Brumby's face who was foolish enough to follow me.
I hope he doesn't follow me, or bring her along too. Sure she cuts up dead bodies but I know she thinks she a shrink, well she's probably better than Jordan. Anyone was better than Jordan, I've never seen a woman swoop in so fast, I felt sorry for Harm. Terri seems to be taking a different route but I can tell she has the same plans. To take Harm away from me.
Or just have him for herself she doesn't really care about me, she probably doesn't even notice me or my feelings for Harm. I know she isn't doing this out of spite but I can't help feel that she is responsible for Harm's drifting away. It's the fifth time she has been here in as many days.
I can see them becoming closer each and ever time they are together. I peer out of my window through the blinds, everyone has gone back to their work after my outburst. Mic is walking aimlessly around the office casually chatting with Bud, I suppose they must be talking about my me. I don't care, they can think what they want. My eyes move slowly around office locking on to Harm who with her, she now has her hand on his arm. They are laughing and smiling. A sickening feeling from the pit of my stomach overcomes me.
I can't watch anymore and I pull myself away from the window. Damn, fat cow! What the hell does he see in her anyway. Thank god she wasn't around when Caroline asked Jordan, "what's he like." Just the thought of it is enough to make me sick, that just edges out Bud and Harriet's sex life on my topics to avoid list.
I decide to get some work done scanning my desk I cannot find the file I want but my desk is cluttered with books and papers. As I try to focus on finding the file under the masses of paper I feel a slight twitching in my eyes, I blink trying to get rid of it. But it persists, god I really need to get some sleep. It's becoming more irritating now I can't find the damn file, if only that fat cow wasn't monopolizing him, I could ask Harm to help me.
Suddenly I sweep my desk clean slamming my arm across it. Papers fly randomly through the air, my phone and lamp smash to the floor causing loud thuds. The only object to escape my wrath is my computer but only because the damn thing to heavy to me to sweep to the floor.
My knees buckle under me and I fall to the floor my body shaking, I can hear whimpering noises but I'm not sure if they are coming from me. My body curls up into a fetal position, arms reach up to protect my head. The quietness after the loud bangs frightens me as all I can hear is what I think are my own pathetic cries of pain.
The silence is soon interrupted, Harm is standing above me. He calls my name but all I can do is try to stop my body from shaking.
"Mac, what's wrong?" he kneels down beside me placing a gentle hand on my back.
"Harm, I'll call the ambulance." I can hear the voice of Terri Coulter.
"Mac, come on." Harm stokes my hair, "Mac, can you hear me? Mac, come on." Harm encourages. I try to force myself to respond but all I can produces are short shrill noises.
"Mac, are you in pain? Where does it hurt. Mac, Mac?" Harm calls, anxiety quickly spreading across his face.
"The ambulance is on it's way." Terri announces throwing a blanket over me. "We should keep her warm."
"She's not responding, Terri. I can't tell if anything is wrong." Harm murmurs.
"Harm." Terri lowers her voice, she thinks I can't hear her but she's wrong. "I think she might be having a nervous breakdown."
I can see the shock pass through Harm's face. He shakes his head like he can't believe what's happening here.
************
That's my story, how it all began. I should have recovered. Got up and move on like I have done so often in my life. But for some reason I couldn't get up, energy was drained from me, not just physically but mentally and emotionally. I no longer wanted to leave the safety of my hospital bed. The world became a more and more frightening place to be, I wasn't strong enough to fight it.
Harm visited me every day for a while trying to encourage me, even when he started to give up he continued to visit me less regularly but still he came and it was always the highlight for me. But I knew it wouldn't last, sometime she came with him and they seemed so happy together. They wouldn't want me in the way of their lives.
And so it was that Harm eventually stopped visiting me when his baby was born. Harm made a final desperate attempt to convince me to come to visit the child but one look in my eyes told him it was futile. I never saw him after that. That last memory of Harm is burned into my mind, his sad eyes pleading with me as he slowly closed the door.
THE END
There you go, Mac angst and lots of depression. I hope it's enough to keep you all happy.
Tell me if you want Mac to be tortured more: c.d.beattie@dundee.ac.uk