Becoming A Man
How Todd finally understands Manhood, in all its horror
Chapter 1: The Calling
[Viola]
I haven't left Todd's side since they brought him to Pathway's End. It's been a month, and although his Noise still comes and goes, at least his chest wound is healing.
I glance sideways at it, still feeling a little squeamish about it despite my training as a healer. All that time in the battlefield trenches, and still, the memory of the gaping hole in the middle of his chest-
The sudden blast-
The blood-
Oh the blood-
And Todd's Noise thinking so fast, too fast, that not now not NOW-
I close my eyes, letting the memory wash over me, taking deep breaths to calm myself. The memory is not as fresh as it was, and although I know now that Todd did not die (has not died), it still hurts to remember.
To remember my Todd lying there in the cold, cold snowy beach.
To remember his pain.
To remember his death.
I open my eyes as I hear a sudden burst of Noise from Todd. It's usually nothing; almost like little blips of memory from Todd that rush over me in a wave of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
This time is no different: he's remembering picking apples from the swamp, and 30 more days till he's a man (why does he keep harping on that? I think crossly) and why is Cillian always so red and Ben is more bluegreen and I wish Ben was my real father I'd pick him for sure and why do I have to pick these stupid apples and Manchee is-
And abruptly, his Noise stops.
Not completely, but it's so faint...
I take another deep breath in, willing myself to think positively.
To be optimistic.
To have hope.
Hope for Todd.
I've fallen into some kind of routine in the last month. In the morning, after I wake up, I head straight to Todd, squeeze his hand, and say to him in his ears - "Todd, good morning. It's Viola. Today is the day that you wake up. Today is the day you come back to me." Its only after I do this (the words may vary but the sentiment remains unchanged) do I head to the privy and the stream outside to have a bit of a wash up to wake up.
After that, I head to breakfast - and here, the Spackle have been very generous with the fruit of the land. They leave me nuts and berries and other seasonal fruit, often much more than I need. There's often a glass of freshly-squeezed cow's milk to go along with the breakfast. When Ben comes back from the village (the Clearing, my mind supplies), there's often bread too. When I'm in a whimsical mood, I pour the milk over my berries and nuts and have a bit of a cereal for breakfast. It makes me homesick for the ship, and the first time I made my makeshift cereal I missed my mom and dad so much I cried.
Along the way as I eat my breakfast, I feed Todd his as well: a thin, milky mixture which smells of herbs and tea and milk. 1017 told Ben this is what kept him alive all the time that Ben was (dead) between death and life. I suppose it's enough. Todd's getting skinnier though (he has to wake up soon, why won't he wake up?)
After breakfast, Todd usually takes "visitors" - or rather, a singular visitor (or maybe two or three, if you count the horses.) That's when Ben and I spend time talking to Todd. Angharad comes into the cave too occasionally - she's such a darling, and although she spends a lot of time just saying Boy Colt? Todd? in a questioning tone, there's no doubt that she's also calling out to him.
Ben spends a lot of his time singing to Ben, and opening his Noise to Todd, hoping to reach him in that whole way of his, where he speaks without his mouth. But mostly we just chat with Todd, around Todd and about Todd - Ben says 1017 and the Land feel it's best to make sure that Todd's never without some aural stimulation or Noise from someone. The current theory we're leaning towards is that Todd's on the borderlands (of what? my mind asks), where his reception isn't clear: but we have to keep broadcasting so he can find his way back to us.
I don't know about theories.
I just want Todd back.
I sigh, and send him a picture of what I'm doing to his mind - I'm sitting beside him, one hand holding his mother's journal which I'm reading from, and the other hand - well, it's just running through his hair. I feel a flush run through me as I think about the gesture - know my mother used to run her hands through my hair, and the action always soothed me - that was how it really started, although it quickly felt like ... something else entirely. Still calming, but I am not my mother, and Todd is not me.
Todd? Can you hear me? Can you answer me? It's Viola, I think at him, the way that Ben's been trying to get me to think. I'd like to imagine that his Noise reacted to me, but it's really just all in my head. The faintness of his Noise moves me to despair some days...
I just want Todd back.
After lunches, I usually take a break to walk around and exercise my feet, which aren't completely back to normal just yet. I can't put my finger on it, but I just don't feel 100%, even though I'm walking, jumping and riding just fine. Todd usually gets a sponge bath from one of the Spackle caretakers during this time - I was going to do it (after all it's no different from any of the other war injured that I cared for during my time in the healer's house) - but realised that it would have been just too weird for me.
Then it's back to his mother's journal, and I read and chat at Todd till dinner. We eat, I change into what passes for pyjamas here, and write my own journal as I sit beside Todd.
Come back, Todd. It's me, Viola. Come back to me.