Title: A Very Shamy Valentine (aka Mission Improbable)
Characters/Pairings: Shamy, mainly Sheldon with cameos from Penny, Leonard and Amy
Warnings: Minor spoilers for season 5 episodes
Rating: K+ (one very mild reference to slightly naughty stuff!)
Summary: With Penny's prompting, Sheldon takes on Mission Valentine. A bit of nonsense to celebrate Valentine's Day.
Disclaimer: The Big Bang Theory is a Warner Brothers production created by Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady. All characters and other elements derived from the source material belong to their respective owners. This story is my own invention and is intended for entertainment purposes only. I am not making any profit from its publication here or elsewhere.
A/N: Well I didn't intend to write this but it kept on at me until I finished it (then again, I say that about almost all my fics – I am a very reluctant fanfic writer!) It is probably a little bit OOC and Sheldon does come across as rather grumpy, especially to Penny. I am not suggesting that he isn't very fond of her (and of Amy and Leonard) but this is written from the POV of Sheldon's conscious mind, not his sub-conscious! PS, this story contains some UK spellings but I have tried to use terminology that is not country specific.
(Sunday 12th February, 8pm)
"So Sheldon, what are you and Amy doing on Tuesday?"
Sheldon glanced up in irritation. It was bad enough that Penny was hanging around the apartment again now that she and Leonard had got back together, without being driven insane by her pointless questions.
"The same as we do every Tuesday," he replied dismissively. "Discussing various topics of interest via Skype."
Penny looked shocked. "But it's Valentine's Day!"
"I'm aware of that, but I fail to see how it is relevant to this conversation."
"Well it's normal to take your girlfriend out for a meal on Valentine's Day. Besides how are you going to give her a card and a gift if you don't actually see her?"
She paused. "You do have a gift for Amy, don't you?"
"No I don't," he declared with a condescending look, "I've told you before that I regard Valentine's Day as an over commercialised excuse for companies to make money out of gullible romantic fools. And Amy agrees with me."
"Are you sure about that?"
"Of course I am. Amy's a highly intelligent woman with a doctorate in neuroscience - why would she be interested in a celebration of meaningless sentimentality?"
Penny smiled wryly. "You might be surprised. Come on Sheldon, this is your first Valentine's Day together, you gotta do something. It's..." she took a moment to make sure she got the wording right, "a non-optional social convention."
He frowned at her suspiciously. "How do I know you're not just saying that?"
"Look Sheldon, when it comes to relationships I've had a lot more experience than you." She raised an eyebrow. "A Trappist monk has had more experience than you. I know what I'm talking about so you better listen to me."
"Well it's true you have had a very large number of sexual partners, but I don't know..."
Penny interrupted, "well it's up to you if you don't want to take my advice, but don't come running to me next time you have to go jewellery shopping to appease your indignant girlfriend."
Sheldon's mouth twitched as he remembered the tiara incident. Not only had he been forced to spend a tedious afternoon examining a range of overpriced items of jewellery while Penny lectured him on the supposed merits of diamonds, but he had also had the uncomfortable experience of being virtually attacked by his tiara frenzied girlfriend.
What's more, he had to admit that he didn't want to argue with Amy. For some inexplicable reason, he felt discomfited when she was angry with him. Even the knowledge that he was right and it was all her fault didn't provide the solace that it should.
He sighed as he realised that he was going to have to ask Penny for her advice. This was always a humiliating experience given the difference in their relative intelligence levels. He could only hope that she didn't choose to make fun of his predicament.
"Very well, what do you suggest?"
-o-0-o-
Sheldon wandered around the store with Penny's list clutched in his hand. He had questioned the necessity of purchasing three separate items but she had assured him that they were all essential and, for once, he had bowed to her superior knowledge.
The first matter of business was to find a card. When he entered the store, the sight of rows upon rows of Valentines cards made him hope that this would be an easy task.
He was surprised to see so many cards remaining on 13th February and this struck him as bad business practice - surely the store would be losing money through over ordering in this way.
When he pointed this out to the store assistant she gave him an odd look.
"You'd be surprised how many people will come in today or even tomorrow morning to buy a last-minute card, usually for a wife or girlfriend"
Sheldon decided to ignore the eyebrow she raised in his direction. Instead he went to look for a suitable card for Amy but was dismayed to realise that this would not be as simple as he had expected. It seemed that the vast majority of the cards were covered in hearts, teddy bears or small mammals cuddling in a very unrealistic way. Even worse, they contained what he could only describe as sentimental drivel.
He spent 30 minutes searching for a card which didn't either promise his undying love or make what he considered to be highly inappropriate sexual comments. Eventually he settled for one in pale pink with an abstract design on the cover and the words "for my valentine" inside. He would've preferred a less personal greeting, such as "wishing you an agreeable Valentine's Day" but decided that this one would have to do.
With phase 1 of Mission Valentine completed he now turned his attention to the gifts. Penny had recommended that he buy Amy a box of good quality chocolates. Well, not so much recommended as insisted... with threats of dire consequences if he messed up on this one.
He had already done the research necessary to locate a reputable purveyor of confectionery (in other words he'd looked up candy stores online).
Stepping through the door, he was confronted by a vast array of chocolate goods of all shapes, sizes and varieties. For a moment, he hesitated, slightly daunted by the challenge of selecting the right gift. Then, reminding himself that Sheldon Cooper never quailed in the face of adversity, he boldly approached the shelves.
Immediately, he saw a huge display of Hershey's kisses with a sign asserting that they were the perfect choice for Valentine's Day. He quickly dismissed that option, fearing that it might cause Amy to lock lips with him again. Although it seemed that he found physical contact with her less objectionable than with other people, it wasn't something that he wanted to encourage.
Noticing a section marked 'Novelty Chocolates', he perked up a bit. He was sure that Amy would love something unusual, like chocolates in the shape of the Starship Enterprise or a candy koala. Who could resist that?
He walked over to have a look. The first shelf held a rather disappointing range of circles, egg shapes and yet more hearts. The second shelf was more interesting, with chocolates in the shape of airplanes, sneakers and champagne bottles.
The third shelf was much more puzzling. Sheldon frowned as he examined one of the products closely, turning it over in his hand. What on earth was it meant to be? When the answer came to him, he dropped the piece of chocolate as if it had burst into flames and walked away from the offending 'novelties' with an expression of deep disapproval.
What kind of person would want to purchase an edible replica of a human mammary gland, he wondered in disgust. The answer came to him almost immediately: a person like Howard Wolowitz, of course. He sighed to himself. This entire expedition was becoming a farce, just as he had expected. If only buying gifts for your girlfriend was as easy and enjoyable as purchasing a new train set or a rare comic book.
Determined to get phase 2 of his mission out of the way as quickly as possible, he headed for the piles of boxed chocolates in the centre of the store. They seemed to come in a confusing variety of sizes and packaging. He stared at them for a moment, not sure which one would be most appropriate.
Suddenly he recalled the gift baskets that he had bought for Penny one Christmas. That was it! Scooping up an armful of boxes, he staggered over to the checkout counter, paid and was out the door in 73 seconds. He took a deep breath and slowly released it. Just one more task to complete.
-o-0-o-
It was the 14th February and almost everything was in place. Thanks to Penny, he had been able to book a table at the Cheesecake Factory. Admittedly, it wasn't exactly romantic, but he knew the food would be acceptable.
Amy was going to meet him there at 7pm and now there was one last thing he needed to get - flowers.
Penny had been particularly insistent on this point. "You can't let your first Valentine's Day go by without giving her flowers. And don't go buying them the day before; you don't want them to wilt do you?"
By now, Sheldon was beginning to feel that Amy would be lucky to get any flowers, wilted or not. If he'd known just how complicated this business would be, he would never have undertaken this mission in the first place.
His original intention was to pick up the flowers on the way to work, but he and Leonard had got involved in a heated debate about Zachary Quinto's performance as Spock in the new Star Trek film and he had completely forgotten about them.
His back-up plan to go and buy them at lunch time was scuppered when he encountered Leslie Winkle and she proceeded to offer up various insults, both about him and his field of study. He couldn't possibly ignore her preposterous comments about the validity of string theory and the resulting argument took up his entire lunch break.
So he found himself at the end of work with phase 3 still not completed. Well, he would just have to get the darned flowers on the way home. Of course, it wasn't that easy...
The first store he tried was sold out. Completely sold out! Yet another shocking example of poor business practice. Oddly enough, the store manager didn't seem at all interested when Sheldon mentioned this to him. He just gave a very unsatisfactory reply about this being what he would expect at this time on Valentine's Day. Sheldon would have stayed to argue the matter, but he still had to get those flowers.
The next store he tried was already closed with a sign on the door saying "Sorry, Sold Out". The third store was not much better. All that was left was a few very pathetic looking drooping carnations. Sheldon actually considered them for a moment, before remembering Penny's words about wilted flowers. What's more, the notice above them read "Carnation's $6 a bunch" and he couldn't bring himself to patronise a shop that misused apostrophes like that.
Checking the Internet on his phone, he realised that the next nearest flower store was on the other side of town. It was at this point that he ran into a new problem - Leonard. His room mate and so-called best friend refused to drive him any further, giving some annoying excuse about needing to take Penny out for dinner and "she'll kill me if I'm late...again."
So Sheldon had been forced to take the bus - without his bus pants or any other of his usual precautions. By the time he reached the fourth flower store, it was about to close. He raced in through the door and was immensely relieved to see that there were still a few adequate bunches of flowers left. Unfortunately, they were roses, which were a bit too closely associated with romance for his liking but, by this point he couldn't afford to be choosy.
Stumbling out of the door with his newly purchased bunch of roses, he checked his watch and realised that he only just had enough time to get back to his apartment, pick up the card and chocolates and get to the Cheesecake Factory in time to meet Amy there.
As the bus pulled up outside the apartment building, Sheldon leaped off and sprinted inside, taking the stairs at a run. He unlocked the door of his apartment and grabbed the card and the largest box of chocolates from the table where he had left them.
A glance at the clock showed him that he would have to hurry if he wanted to get to the Cheesecake Factory by 7pm. He didn't even have time to disinfect his hands after the bus journey. He hoped that Amy would appreciate just how much he had suffered for this sentimental nonsense.
He rushed back into the corridor, locking the door behind him and hurling himself down the stairs two at a time. As he got to the first turning, he felt his foot slip beneath him and he went flying through the air like a large, ungainly crane fly. The box of chocolates slipped from his flailing hands and he heard it hit the wall with a loud thud.
Half a second later, he crashed onto the ground, landing on top of the bunch of roses. Looking around dazedly, he noticed that the Valentine's card was now lodged underneath him, folded over in a way that it was definitely not designed for.
Sheldon gave a weary groan as he realised that all his hard work had been ruined, followed by a much louder groan as he tried to move his leg. He had a feeling that he wasn't going to get to the Cheesecake Factory by 7pm.
-o-0-o-
Amy came into the hospital ward almost at a run, and headed straight for Sheldon's bedside, a worried frown on her face.
"Sheldon, the doctor said you broke your ankle falling down the stairs! What on earth happened?"
"I hope you know this is all your fault," he grumbled petulantly.
"My fault?" Amy exclaimed in surprise. "What do you mean?"
"Well, I would never have been running down the stairs if I wasn't going to be late for our dinner, and I wouldn't have been late if I hadn't been buying those flowers, and..."
"Wait a minute. You were running because you didn't want to keep me waiting and you were late because you were buying me flowers?"
"Yes, for all the good it did - they got crushed when I fell on them. The chocolates got broken too. I don't know why I bothered. I always said this was a bad idea."
"You got me chocolates too?" she asked incredulously.
"Well, yes..."
He stopped talking as she sat on the side of his bed, looking at him with melting eyes.
"That is so romantic!"
"Well, that was the idea."
"I can't believe how lucky I am. This is the best Valentine's Day I've ever had." She leaned over and planted a brief kiss on his forehead. "And you are the best boyfriend ever."
Sheldon looked up at her glowing face and realised that he didn't actually mind all the rushing around and the frustrations. He didn't even mind that she'd kissed him. His ankle still hurt but he was feeling pretty good.
The best boyfriend ever? Well, yes - he probably was.