Tatsu! Project/1/The Exact Opposite of Control

a/n: Tatsu needs help, but Lin is not available. Luckily, he's surrounded by a city of incredibly strong and ruthless BLADEs.

Post Ch. 5, some xeno spoilers, no swears (wrote it during Lent, kids, and I gave that up).

All the good stuff belongs to the good people of Monolith Soft.

XCX PORTANDA EST!

"Now, you're sure you have everything under control?" Elma asked for the third time.

Tatsu had noticed her increasingly obvious doubt. "Tatsu have it all controlled. 100 % or your credits back. Nopon keep their word."

"Once I go into today's meeting at BLADE tower, I won't be answering my comm device. If you need anything from me, you should ask now."

Tatsu stopped bouncing for a moment and bent his arm appendages to touch the sides of his mid-section, mimicking the gesture he'd seen Lin do a thousand times. "Elma not to worry. Everything hunky dory. Elma only need to do her part of bargain."

"I'll get it done." She smiled a shadow of a wry smile. "The Commander and Secretary Nagi will make sure of that."

Tatsu smiled broadly at her, the image of a confident, successful future caravan leader. Elma did not mirror his certainty, but as she couldn't delay leaving any longer, she finally headed out the barracks door.

The doors slid shut with a click and a delayed hiss. Tatsu looked brightly in their direction for one long breath. Then he exploded into a flurry of despair. "Meh meh meh meeeeeeeehhhhhhh!" He did not have it all under control. He had very little under control. He was so far from having anything under control that you could have put several milesaurs, nose to tail, between him and the shadow of control.

The young round alien bounced with more agitation with every "meh" he squeaked. He began to dash around the kitchen island, clockwise first, then anti-clockwise. "Meh!" He was going to break his promise to Elma, and soon all of New Los Angeles would know that he was an unreliable Nopon. Worse than unreliable – that was forgivable, because the buyer should beware, after all. No, he would have failed to deliver entirely.

If only he hadn't bragged that he had the best idea. If only he hadn't told Elma and several other people the details of his brilliant idea. If he'd kept his trap shut, he could even now be rooting through the Commercial District, trying to come up with a replacement for his big fat stupid idea. Anything would do, really. It wouldn't have to be spectacular. Tatsu would have been able to pass anything off as amazing. He felt confident that, if he wanted to, he could sell grex pelt as the newest in exclusive luxury materials to the delightfully naïve residents of NLA. Even a box of chocolates would have worked. Those seemed to distract humans automatically. It wouldn't even have to be a very big one. Although, for this, he would have splashed out and gotten something nice, with a bow.

He was beyond running now. He could only manage a little skip, a few steps followed by a bounce, before flinging himself in the other direction, back and forth, back and forth. "Meh meh MEHHHH!" He stopped so quickly, he launched himself into a midair twirl. That was actually kind of fun. He leapt and twirled again. Several times.

After the seventh twirl (and perfect landing, 6/6 probably), he stopped to catch his breath. "Tatsu behaving like littlepon," he chided himself. He took off his glasses and cleaned them with a soft green cloth. He rarely did this around other people, which meant that his glasses tended to get rather foggy. Other Nopon tended to tease him about his eyewear, and he tried to pretend they were without any flaws. But truthfully, exercise did have negative effects on them. He sighed and put them back on, then carefully patted his cowlick back into an exaggerated curl. With this slight ritual done, he tried to focus on solving his dilemma.

He had to be honest about his real problem. He was missing his wing-man. To be exact, his wingarm-girl. Lin had been busy most of the week, taking endless tests for the middle of her school term. She seemed to enjoy her lessons, proving that humans really were weird. If it was one thing that was universal to Nopon (aside from adorable fluffiness), it was a tendency to nod off when hearing information from oldpon. Tatsu personally had learned most of his Nopon history in the form of epic group sing-a-longs, with many repetitions and exaggerated gestures. These histories weren't perhaps the most accurate, since the need for rhymes and rhythms trumped the faithful reproduction of historical facts. But the past is a mystery, so what did he care if he had the real facts or just the facts that sounded better when he was belting out a chorus? The heropons of legend would never know.

This round of test taking had seemed like an advantage at the start of the week. Lin's absence made it possibly possible that Tatsu would be able to surprise her. He had looked forward to her amazement at his incredible success. That had been at the start of the week. But as the days passed, he missed her gentle nagging to get him to shake a leg (they had taught that phrase to L last week, and it had been a very good way to spend a morning). He had missed how she could listen to his ideas and repeat them so that they sounded even more intelligent. He had really missed her ability to first explain his plans to other BLADEs and then persuade them to agree. Lin had an inner adorableness that was Nopon-level effective.

Alas, today she would be closeted away with Alexa until lunch, demonstrating her proficiency in the weird Noponese that Alexa insisted was really called Spanish. Sounded the same to Tatsu when Alexa or Hope spoke it, but very weird when Lin attempted it. Sometimes it sounded like she was just throwing extra vowels around. Whenever that happened, Alexa got a very funny look on her face, like she had eaten something very burnt but was too polite to say anything. There would be no time for Lin to help him, even if he was desperate.

Still, even thinking about his wingarm-girl had been helpful. Sure, she would not be available, but there was a whole city of gullible, er, generous BLADEs, ready to lend a hand. Why, he could probably find somebody simply by going out the door, closing his eyes, and walking until he bumped into one. Tatsu had already organized part of the delivery, mostly the necessary infrastructure. That had merely been a matter of credits and commerce. He could get BLADEs to help him get those bits down from the Ma-non ship and over to the Commercial Section. Then he could pretend that he had always thought that other BLADEs were responsible for the rest. He already had Frye in charge of one part. Tatsu could say that he wasn't at fault, that someone else had failed.

Sad. So very very sad. Even his arch-nemesis Tora would do better than that.

He didn't exactly walk out with his eyes shut, but he wasn't far from it. The panic was starting to rise again in his fluffy spherical body. He needed a few burly BLADEs to wrangle the equipment. He saw …

"Hi there, Tatsu? What're you up to?" The young human pushed a lock of brown hair off his forehead, only to have it flop back.

Why did Gwin Evens remind Tatsu of littlepon playtime rhyme? Very bouncy and part of fun game. All littlepon played it, but differently in each caravan. In his mamapon's caravan, they had a most excellent version. The littlepon would line up and dash towards a goal, jumping over tangles of vines. The first one would get pelted with berries or other fruit. All the while, you had to sing, at the top of your lungs, "melimeli dundun/homhom run run." Made no sense, but so very tasty if slightly sticky when you won.

Maybe it was his saltiness, but in Tatsu's opinion, Gwin would make a good Nopon if he wasn't so sub-fluffy and not round. He'd also need better business sense. Tatsu perked up at that thought. Gwin wasn't burly but he was cheap. But first, Tatsu took a quick look round. Nope, no scary blonde Interceptor team leader. Tatsu was not feeling strong enough to argue anything with Irina.

"Uh, Tatsu, hello, anybody home?" Gwin tapped Tatsu on his hood.

Tatsu beamed at the BLADE. "Friend Gwin just in time to help Tatsu with important mission. Necessary for good of all NLA."

"Nope. No. I am not falling for that. I gotta meet someone."

Tatsu bounced in front of Gwin before the other man could move a step. "Gwin must help Nopon Ambassador! And Ma-non! And Humans!" Gwin opened his mouth to protest but Tatsu did not let him finish. "Tatsu risk his life for Gwin every day, and Gwin cannot spare him a minute?"

Gwin's open mouth gaped wider but he said nothing. Tatsu nodded approvingly. "Gwin have no answer. Good."

"I have no answer because I don't know where to start!"

"Simple. Start by helping Tatsu." Tatsu was suddenly struck by inspiration brighter than the flash of a turba. "Can friend sing?"

"What? Like a song?"

"If friend can sing like a table, do that too." Tatsu bounced expectantly.

"Tatsu, we're in the middle of the Division Drive. There are people everywhere."

"Something easy. L told Tatsu about one with many black bird and pies. And honey."

Gwin blinked a few times, then grinned. "Sing a song of sixpence, a pocket full of rye/Four and twenty black birds, baked into a pie." His voice was lower than Tatsu expected, but very clear. Tatsu felt hope return to his life.

Tatsu cut Gwin off mid verse. "Very nice, very good. Come along now."

"I didn't get to the honey part."

"Maybe later. Gwin have work to do." Tatsu hustled the BLADE down the alley. Gwin seemed to have agreed, or at least he was allowing himself to be herded in the correct direction, even if he wasn't doing so quietly. "Okay, okay," Gwin was saying, "I'll help you. Just this one time. But let me tell my friend our meeting is cancelled."

"No time to go find other BLADE, unless…" Tatsu was struck with another inspiration.

"He's right over there, Tatsu," snapped Gwin. "Hey! Mathias!"

Another BLADE, almost identical to Gwin except maybe smaller and more sandy-colored, joined them. Tatsu decided to follow up on his hunch. "Can friend sing?"

"What? Like, singing a song?"

"Or a table," muttered Gwin.

"What?"

Gwin sighed. "Tatsu wants to hear the old nursery rhyme. You know, sing a song of sixpence…" he explained.

Mathias took up the words, in a gentle and warm tenor voice. "A pocket full of rye/ four and twenty black birds baked into a pie/ When the pie was opened, the birds began to sing/ wasn't that …"

"Fine, fine, that the song." Tatsu cut him off, just as he had done to Gwin. Externally, he tried to look severe but inside he was giddy. This was the answer to his problems, he was sure of it. Plus more hands would make carrying the gear easier. "Friend of Gwin must help with huge mission. Very important and hush hush."

"Yeah, about our lunch … Tatsu here has roped me into who knows what kind of project."

"But I had all this cool data from Aisha to show you."

So annoying when humans ignored him. Really, the Nopon ambassador deserved more respect. Tatsu tried not to let his frustration show. "No! Now! Friends must help now! Data and lunch can wait."

Gwin stared at Tatsu with amazement. "Did you just say lunch could wait?"

Tatsu nodded firmly.

"I didn't think it was possible for Nopon to say that," said Gwin.

"This VERY important mission. And if both friends help, everything done quicker. Lunch only little bit delayed."

The two BLADEs glanced at each other before finally shrugging. Tatsu was delighted. That sigh, followed by a little shift of the shoulder? As good as a signed contract. At least, it had always meant the same thing, whenever he'd previously put a request to a BLADE. Tatsu knew the two would do whatever he asked. "Follow team leader Tatsu. Ma-non ship next stop."

a/n: Long live Gwin abuse! I thought things posted on Fridays were Case the Head Case stories, but nope, they have something else in common. Case will return, eventually, and Gwin will STILL suffer.

This story was originally a story I told my kids when walking around town. We do this kind of thing constantly. Long live the oral storytelling tradition. Someday I will write the stories of Phoenix Wright, Pet Attorney, a crossover between Eldest's beloved Ace Attorney series and whatever animal story Youngest Child was reading at the time (Warriors, Wings of Fire, Petz).

Next up: Tatsu's eyes are bigger than his stomach, metaphorically.