Hi friends! As part of Fanofthisfiction's V-Day "Show me the Love Challenge," I will be posting one new chapter of this fic every day for a week. That's a lot of Reylo :D I'm obsessed with "The Last Jedi" (I think I might have seen it nine times in theaters, but it could be more, I lost track), so I'm super stoked to write this fic for you.
This is Star Warz Reylo crack, with multiple side pairings in various galaxies. Rated "T" for language and some suggestive scenes, but you know me, everything stays pretty PG-13 around here.
There are a ton of cool authors participating in this week-long Valentine's challenge across fandoms and genres, so when you are done reading here, be sure to check out bingbin, een nihc, fanofthisfiction, fricasee, Fxreflies, ibloo, Kaze and Kiba, Lady Rini, Lady The Warrior, mississippimudpiecraves, misspandalily, Pixie07, Poodie, rainyrhapsody, RushiAei, Sakura's Unicorn, Tuvstarr's lost heart, Unicorn Paige, yara9292, and YenGirl.
Fic image is "reylo" by 1funn from Weasyl.
OPENING CREDITS (picture this at a forty-five-degree slant in gold text over a background of star garbage)
In Fine Print: No animals were harmed in the making of this fic. Only General Hux.
(Cue the opening theme: Do! Do do do! Do do do do do do do!)
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, Kylo Ren, dreaded dark force user and master of the Knights of Ren, now Supreme Leader Emperor Dictator Narcissist Bully of the Galaxy, wonders why he still doesn't like himself and is unhappy. To that end, he has hired three therapists, two of whom are already dead from force choking.
Meanwhile, at the new rebel base, Rey, budding Jedi for the good guys and all-around nice person who deserves so much more than that piece of space trash dark force user, is trying to figure out how to block psychic and actual calls, texts, Facetime, and all means of communication from Kylo Ren, who is starting to get pretty stalker-ish….
#
It's Tuesday, and like every Tuesday, Kylo Ren is getting his chest waxed at the Knights of Ren spa. It's been lonely since he killed off Snoke's bodyguards; not that he liked the red fuckers. But it's boring getting your chest waxed with only spa robots for company.
He should be ruling the galaxy with Rey at his side. But Rey stole his lightsaber (It should be his! He deserves that much from his bastard of an uncle!) and ran off.
But she must like him. After all, she didn't kill him when he was passed out from the explosion of ripping apart Luke's lightsaber, which is what he would have done had their situations been reversed. It's a sign.
"She's the only one who really understands me," he tells the faceless robot as it yanks up another strip of wiry chest hair.
The robot nods noncommittally.
"I mean, I don't get it. I'm powerful. I'm the most powerful man in the galaxy. And I'm good-looking. I am good-looking, aren't I?"
The robot yanks another strip, nods.
Maybe it is that his shoulders are too broad, that his head is disproportionately small compared to the rest of his body. It could be the high-waisted leather pants—do they make him look fat?
The robot sets more wax strips while Kylo broods. Suddenly, the answer hits him like a lightsaber to the face—there can be only one reason why Rey left him, and it certainly isn't because of any of Kylo's failings, because he doesn't have any. She must be in love with somebody else!
Without hesitating, Kylo reaches out to Rey with the force—
And is slapped away.
Undeterred, Kylo takes out his phone and texts: Hi.
He types and deletes a million other things, debating about the right thing to say. Finally, he concludes: What are you doing?
Go away, Rey writes.
A response! At last! Overjoyed, Kylo writes: Can I ask you something?
No.
Are you dating someone else?
No response. Not even the three little dots to show she is typing. Nothing.
So this is how Rey wants to play. That's okay. Kylo can wait. He can wait all day…
Five seconds later, he writes: Not that I care. Just wanted to know. He presses send, then wishes he could delete the text whizzing through space from his phone to hers. How could he be so stupid?
Seriously? Rey writes.
Ugh. Of course he cares. She knows him so well! That's what he loves/hates about her!
Kylo reaches out with the force and presses the FaceTime icon on his iPhone. When she doesn't answer the first time, he tries again. And again.
"Now's not a good time," Rey snaps when she picks up on the fifth or sixth request (or is it the seventh? Kylo has lost track…).
"You look nice," Kylo says. Actually, she looks gorgeous. Her hair is up in the three iconic space buns, and she's wearing a touch of lipstick and a hint of eyeliner. Then Kylo curses himself for sounding like an idiot. He should have said something ominous, or dark, or even emo. Not just a cliched line.
Rey rolls her eyes. "Thank you. I'm hanging up, Ben. Don't call me again."
"Wait," Kylo says.
She exhales sharply. When he doesn't respond right away, she asks, "What do you want?"
"To see you," he blurts out. Ugh. Way to sound desperate.
She rolls her eyes. "You can't have the lightsaber. Plus, you bloody well broke it."
"You're the one who broke it," Kylo snaps.
"You broke it, Ben," Rey says flatly. "And I'm the one who fixed it. Kind of like a metaphor for our failed relationship…"
"It belongs to me!" he snaps. Then he catches himself, sighs, and runs a hand through what he hopes is his stylishly tousled hair. Rey should be his, too. She belongs to him.
He props his iPhone on the table, tries to collect himself. But the new position gives Rey a broader view of his bare torso, half covered in waxing strips, the other half red and tender and hairless.
"Bloody hell, Ben, why are you always naked when you call me? I'm hanging up —"
"Don't."
"Then tell me why you're calling!"
He wants to tell her that he misses her, but he can't because dark force users don't miss their arch nemesis. What would Darth Vader do?
Before he can answer, there is the sound of a door opening and closing on the other end, and a strange voice—a male voice—says, "Hey Rey, we better leave. The movie starts soon."
"Who's that?!" Kylo hisses. "Are you going on a date?"
The phone moves, and then Kylo is face-to-face with ex-storm trooper F2187.
"Dude," Finn says. "You have got to stop calling."
"Fuck you," Kylo snaps.
Beep. The connection dies, and Kylo is left staring at himself.
Goddamn. So she is dating someone else!
#
"She's the only one who really gets me," Kylo says, staring up at the ceiling as he reclines on a couch.
"Tell me more," says a tentacled space alien with three heads. Its name is Zebab Mcgee, and it is a rare extraterrestrial that can magically resist force choking, which is the only reason it has outlived Kylo's other shrinks. Kylo likes that Zebab is a gender-neutral creature; that way, he doesn't have to take out his daddy and mommy issues on it.
"We're connected by the force now," Kylo says. "It's like, deep. Also, she's really pretty."
"So you're attracted to her?"
Kylo clears his throat. "It's more of a spiritual connection."
"I see," his therapist says. It takes notes on a legal pad with one tentacle and scratches its third head with the other. A total of twenty-six eyeballs blink at Kylo.
"Don't look at me like that," Kylo snaps.
Zebab lowers its many eyes.
"It's not like I'm lonely or anything," Kylo says, though he doesn't convince himself, let alone his therapist. "I don't bloody miss Snoke. My so-called master manipulated me and toyed with my emotions. I'm glad I—er, I mean, Rey—killed him."
"Was Snoke like a father figure to you?"
"Are you trying to say I have daddy issues?" Kylo gets ready to force choke, then remembers he can't, and clenches his jaw instead.
Zebab opens its tentacles, suction cup side up in surrender. With another tentacle, it loosens its tie and unbuttons its collar. "I wouldn't presume, sir."
Kylo relaxes a little bit on his couch.
"I do think it's interesting that you killed your father."
"Um, thanks. I think."
"You also attempted to kill your uncle multiple times."
Kylo tenses again. "He was going to kill me!"
"Of course, of course." Zebab nods all three heads, then the head on the right speaks, the one it uses when Kylo is agitated because it speaks more softly. "Was your uncle like a father figure?"
Kylo bows his head and crosses his arms, trying not to appear sulky. "No."
"What about Snoke?"
"Fuck Snoke!" Kylo bellows, his hands twitching on his lightsaber.
"I can see that you're angry."
"OF COURSE I'M ANGRY!"
Zebab switches on the aromatherapy diffuser. Lavender and peppermint mist the air.
It gets Kylo every time. His mother used to give him peppermint tea as a kid when he couldn't sleep, and she always smelled like lavender. Kylo realizes he is standing. With a sigh, he plops back down on the couch.
"I don't want to talk about those assholes," Kylo says. "I want to talk about how I can get Rey to like me."
#
It's been three days since he sent Rey flowers, but she still hasn't texted him. Kylo, trying to respect Rey's wishes as per his therapist's orders, has not texted her. Not that he hasn't thought about it (like at least five or six or twenty or a hundred times a day).
"Kylo Rey? Um, Sir?"
Kylo blinks up at Hux. Frowns.
"I mean, Supreme Leader, uh, Sir."
Kylo stops himself from rolling his eyes. "What do you want?"
Hux presses his lips together in a thin line. Purple-red blotches arise on his cheeks and neck. "Should we negotiate with the planet now, Sir?"
"Blow it up," Kylo says. Nothing matters if he can't get Rey to like him.
"Excuse me, Supreme Leader?"
"I said," Kylo retorts, rising from his seat and hoping the heels on his new boots make him taller then Hux, "blow it up."
"Ah, I'd like to point out, Supreme Leader, Sir, that the planet contains valuable resources—"
"Don't care," Kylo snaps.
Hux turns a darker shade of purple. "Sir, we have bases on that planet. We have men stationed—"
Kylo is about to force-choke the idiot when his phone beeps and vibrates. Forgetting Hux completely, Kylo checks his phone.
Thanks for the roses, Rey writes.
"Um, Sir –"
Kylo holds up a hand and force shoves Hux against the wall because Rey is typing.
The black color is…creative. Anyway, they smell great. Thanks for remembering my birthday.
Kylo almost spazzes out. He had forgotten her birthday! But he had been so in tune with the force—so in tune with her—that it had worked out. Yes for being the most powerful dark force user in the history of forever!
Of course, Kylo writes back. Remember that you're special to me. – Send. Oh, yes! That was really good!
Hux groans from the floor, mopping his bloody nose with his sleeve.
"I guess we'll blow up the freaking planet then," the general grumbles as he crawls to his hands and knees.
"Actually," Kylo says, "Let's negotiate. No need to waste a whole planet."
The look Hux gives him might kill, if Hux were a dark force user. Too bad for him he's just a nobody.
"As you wish, Supreme Leader," Hux grits out.
#
Meanwhile, in a galaxy far far away from Kylo's but close to our own:
"That will be $7.99 ma'am," Hux says to a little old lady.
"I can't afford twenty dollars for a spatula," she says, holding said spatula like a weapon. "That's highway robbery. You all ought to be ashamed! I want my money back!"
"You haven't paid us yet, ma'am," Hux seethes, wishing she would adjust her hearing aid.
"Manager Hux?"
Hux freezes at the sound of Kylo's voice—his poor excuse for a boss.
"Yes, Supreme Leader —er, I mean, Executive Manager," Hux grits out from his partially clenched teeth.
Kylo smiles, but it makes his eyes glint dangerously.
"This young man is trying to rip me off!" The old lady says, lowering the spatula. She turns a gap-toothed smile to Kylo.
"Well ma'am, I'm happy to let you know that you're talking to the Supreme Leader—ah, I mean new CEO of Target—"
"What?!" Hux sputters.
Kylo actually puts his hand on Hux's face and pushes him away.
"Here at Target, we believe the customer is always right. How much did you say the spatula was?"
"$7.99, plus tax," the old lady says primly.
"That's what I—" Hux begins, but Kylo takes the spatula from the customer with a can I borrow this for a sec? and whaps Hux on the head so hard, his ears ring.
Kylo hands the cackling old woman back her spatula. "You know what, after everything you've been through, just take it."
"Oh, I couldn't do that!" she says, little anime hearts shining in her eyes.
"Of course you can," Kylo says. "Since my boss died suddenly of arsenic poisoning—I mean, of a heart attack—I really am the Supreme Leader of Target, and I can do whatever I want."
"I've been working here for twenty years!" Hux shouts from a safe distance of five feet away. "I worked my way up the ranks from a lowly plastics assembler in the China division to selling shoes in this store to—"
"No one cares," the old lady screeches.
"But I had to deal with sweaty feet! And bunions!" Hux cries, holding a chair between him and the hag who is waiving the goddamn spatula like a lightsaber. "It took me another five years to work up to manager, and this snot-nosed high school kid just walks in and–"
Hux can't speak anymore; Kylo is force choking him.
"Thanks again for the spatula," the lady says to Kylo in a lovesick voice.
I love General Hux so much. Thanks for reading! Please leave a review if you liked.