It was a Monday morning, 7:20 the alarm clock said. Will couldn't help but think that every other Monday morning of the year, at this time, he would be sitting in the comfortable leather chair of his office, already coming to grips with papers and files. But not today.
He had been tossing and turning in his bed for the last two hours, trying to get some sleep while his mind kept on going there, on and on and on about the Grand Jury.
Today was the big day. In two hours and forty minutes, a bunch of unknowns would make the most important decision of his life. It was so unfair. But then… wasn't it exactly what he was doing for living every single day of his life? He smiled at the irony of that.
He left the bed and peered out the window. It was raining. A bad sign. "Bad things happen when it rains," he thought, before realizing how superstitious that sounded. When exactly did Will Gardner become superstitious? He had no idea. But it wasn't helping. He needed to keep his mind busy for the next two hours and thirty minutes. If he spent ten more minutes counting down like this and he would go crazy. He had to do something, leave his apartment and find something to do.
He took a shower and got dressed, trying not to stare at the damn clock again, before leaving his apartment and getting into his car. The biggest part was done. He only had to decide where to go.
.
.
Alicia threw a quick glance at the clock. It was almost 8. In spite of the kids' absence, she was damn late.
In a couple of hours the Grand Jury would decide Will's future. She couldn't concentrate on anything but that ominous thought. She tried everything, including asking Peter to stop it but that was useless.
Although the Grand Jury's first decision was for Will's innocence, that witch of a Wendy Scott-Carr went on with her crusade, asking for his disbarment.
She was unsure if she was supposed to call him or not. She didn't want to sound too intrusive, they broke up after all. But she didn't want him to think she didn't care. They still were close friends, he was her boss, she owed him her job. And for a moment, they had been… something.
Her thoughts got interrupted by the ringing cell phone. She reached for it in a hurry, knowing it could be him. A mixed look of slight disappointment and anger formed on her face at the sight of the name on the screen. Cary. Lately the guy was only bearer of problems and bad news. For a moment she considered not answering. Her finger hesitated over the red button before pressing the green one.
"Hello," she said.
"Hello Alicia, it's Cary."
"Hey Cary, what's up?" she was late and didn't want to lose any more time on the phone with him.
"I just wanted to say that whatever happens with the trial… I'm sorry."
There was a moment of silence. Alicia was repeating the words in her mind, just to be sure she understood correctly.
"You are sorry for what, Cary? For destroying Will's career? For hinting to Wendy Scott-Carr about our relationship? For the humiliation I had to go through? I'm late for work, Cary. I don't have time to waste on your sense of guilt. And by the way, it's Will you should be sorry with. In two hours his life could be ruined."
"I never wanted this to happen. I tried to oppose and step back when I realized the State's Attorney's intentions but the office put Wendy on it. There was nothing I could do." Cary really seemed sincere. Nevertheless, it was a little too late to apologize.
"I gotta go. Really. Thanks for calling. And pray that the Grand Jury decides against the disbarment," she said.
"Wendy has nothing concrete in her hands, Alicia. Will is going to come out clean. You don't have to worry." His tone was calm, reassuring, as if he already knew what the outcome would be.
She hesitated, a moment of silence as she tried to convince herself that things would really end up well for Will.
She thanked Cary again, before hanging up and searched for the keys when her phone bleeped. There was a message of a missed call from Will.
"Damn it!" she thought. She immediately dialed Will's number but his phone was off. Disappointed, she left her apartment and headed to the firm. She would try again later.
.
.
He couldn't reach her on the phone. God only knew how much he wanted and needed to hear her reassuring voice.
What else could he do? Have a drink? Not this early in the morning. People might think he was alcoholic and add that to the mountain of accusations.
He decided to call Diane and meet her somewhere for breakfast. At least it would keep him busy for another hour before the meeting with Miss Tascioni. How fucking poetic, a last meal before a public execution.
Good thing that even in this situation, he wasn't losing his sense of humor. He felt that he was going to need a lot of it in the future.
He dialed Diane's number. The recording on the other end told him all he needed to know on that front. What was going on today? These were his last hours as a free lawyer and all his closest friends were nowhere to be found?
He was alone and that realization hit him hard. He spent his life building his career, at which price? Now that everything was crawling on him, there wasn't anyone around to share the pain with.
Forget Alicia. Forget Diane. Screw and to hell with everyone. He needed a drink. His last wish before the beginning of the end.
He was just pulling out of the parking lot, when his phone rang. The name on the screen had him jump on his seat. He stomped on the breaks.
"Hello," he answered, trying to sound as natural and quiet as possible under the circumstances.
"Hey Will," the voice on the other side of the line was soft, almost a whisper.
He smiled and let out a slight sigh of relief. "Alicia, hey," he said, his voice turning in a soft whisper, as if talking louder could break a sort of spell.
"I just wanted to make sure you are fine." Alicia sounded so concerned that suddenly all his miserable thoughts about being alone didn't seem to make sense anymore.
"I'm fine." He was not sure if he was trying to convince Alicia or himself. He paused for a moment before going on. "In a couple of hours all of this will be over, good or bad. I just need to keep myself busy until then if I don't want to go crazy." He could hear Alicia let out a sigh, was it maybe a smile?
"If you wanna talk, or meet somewhere… I'm here…" Alicia suggested tentatively.
Will paused for a moment, pondering her words. "I know… thank you…"
The silence said everything he couldn't under the circumstances. He was not sure what to do, he wanted to meet her but for some reason he felt it was wrong. Did he have any right to drag her in his pre-execution depression? Probably not. He endeavored to push the idea away. "I gotta go now… thank you for calling, Alicia."
"Ok…" Alicia whispered on the other side. She hesitated for a moment. "Good luck Will," she added.
Luck. He needed a lot of it, Will thought.
"Thank you." He hesitated a little more, not wanting to hang up, not wanting to leave her.
"Alicia," he called her name. Knowing she was there made him feel good. Something about her presence always calmed his nerves, as if she were safe haven.
"Yes?" Alicia replied with an expectant tone.
There were so many things he wanted to tell her. There were so many thoughts going through his mind, most of them worried and negative. He was scared. He needed to make sure that she would be there in the end.
"If this ends up bad…. If…" If he were disbarred? He didn't want to say those words out loud and make this more real than it already was.
"Will, don't… don't even think about it," she interrupted his thoughts. "This will end up as it's supposed to, with the Jury recognizing your innocence… Trust me."
Trust. Trust her. Of course he trusted her. He always did.
"I trust you…" it was all he could say. And he meant it. "Thank you for calling, Alicia…" he said.
"Don't mention it… I'm here, if you need anything."
He smiled and hesitated a moment before hanging up the phone and starting the car again.
.
.
The dossier of the pro bono case she was supposed to be working on was open on her desk. She had been working on it for two months now, things were actually starting to look pretty optimistic for her client.
But today she kept staring at all those papers unable to concentrate on anything. It was 10:30. She stood up from her chair, went to the window, looked through it totally lost in her thoughts.
Did the Grand Jury decide? Was Will still waiting to know his fate?
The waiting was unbearable. She had been standing, watching through the window, going back to her desk, back and forth like that a dozen times in the last thirty minutes. Every time she sat at the desk, she threw a glance at the phone to make sure she hadn't missed any call.
She decided it was time to give work the proper attention. Sitting back at her desk, she took in her hands the transcript of her client's deposition, again. She gasped as her office phone started ringing.
"Hello," she said nervously.
"Alicia, it's Diane" the voice said. Damn it. There could be only one reason if Diane was calling her: the pro bono.
She shook her head. "I'm sorry Diane, I was supposed to be ready for the meeting and..." she couldn't finish.
"Oh, that's not the reason I was searching for you." Diane said.
It wasn't? Then what... the thought hit her. Will. Her heart suddenly started to throb.
"Will just called. I thought you'd want to know that the Grand Jury decided... against his disbarment."
Alicia let out a heavy sigh of relieve as all the angst, worry, fear, sadness, pain of the last hours was all of a sudden just a bad memory. "Thank you Diane" it was all she could say before hanging up the receiver.
She kept smiling to herself. It was over. Will wouldn't get disbarred. She was trying to picture him in that moment, probably beside himself with happiness.
She found herself laughing and smiling with joy. Maybe she should call him. Or maybe not. It might not be the best moment, maybe he was busy celebrating. She spent a couple of minutes staring at her cell phone, before making a decision: after scrolling down to the W, she pressed the green button. "Call Will?" the screen read. She pressed the green button again.
.
.
Few blocks from Lockhart & Gardner offices, Will was outside the courthouse with Miss Tascioni. He couldn't stop thanking her for the amazing job. She had an unusual ability of leaving her interlocutors confused, speechless, completely astonished and disoriented. And to deliver the perfect sentence in the right moment. Always. This time had been no exception.
After thanking her for the millionth time, Will heard his cell phone ring. With a slight gesture of his hand, he asked Miss Tascioni to excuse him and took a few steps away.
"Hello," he said, not even checking the name on the screen. He was too excited right now.
"Someone's a free lawyer, I've been told," the familiar voice said, an enthusiastic tone that only made him happier. If that was even possible.
"Yes, you've been told right!" His voice could only hint at what where his real feelings in that moment. No words could express his relief. He had been close to losing everything, not once but twice, in few months. And he was sure that there wouldn't be a third one.
"I'm so happy Will," Alicia said on the other line.
Will smiled at her words. "I know... It's over... This time it's really over. I... I thought I'd lose everything Alicia..." his voice turned to a whisper as he said it.
"Don't think about it Will, it's over, enjoy the moment and get ready to start kicking asses again in court!" Alicia said with an enthusiastic voice. He couldn't help but laugh at her words. But it made him think of how much he missed it.
"I can't wait." he said with a smile. They both remained silent for a moment. "See you later at the firm?" he asked.
"Yep. You'll find me drowning in the pro bono files, if you feel like getting right back on track." Her voice sounded so sincerely happy that was contagious even on the phone.
"I'll bring the life vest," he replied almost laughing, before hanging up.
.
.
She had seen him in the conference room, surrounded by the whole firm staff celebrating his win. They had exchanged a quick glance, shared a knowing smile before Julius called her attention back on the case. It was almost 9 pm when things finally seemed to slow down and Alicia found herself alone on the floor, a coffee mug on her desk and an unbelievable sense of quietness.
Lost in her thoughts, she didn't hear the steps approaching, until the knock at the door gave her a start. She genuinely smiled at the sight of Will leaning against the wall. He looked tired but happy and relieved like he probably hadn't been in months.
"Hey," she said with a smile.
"Hey," he replied. His voice was soft. "Is it too late for the rescue?" he joked.
"A little bit, I fear," she said, emphasizing the fact with a slight nod, before adding "but don't worry, Mr Mug was very helpful. It did a great job." she went along with the joke.
They smiled at each other, as Will took a seat on the couch facing her.
.
.
He had spent months out of court. He could discuss the cases outside court, give suggestions, help indirectly but his license had been put on hold while under process. Three long months. Over this infinite lapse of time he had been kept away from what he loved most: his job, his firm.
So much spare time can do harm when you're not used to it. He realized over that period how he felt alone. Career aside what did he have? Nothing. He spent most of the days home, watching sports, or had lonely sessions of basketball training. The word "alone" kept crossing his mind, night and day, hitting him harder every time.
It was time to change things. He decided he wouldn't be alone anymore, even if that meant being with someone "wrong". Something in his life had to change.
With that thought in his mind, he stared at the woman in front of him before his mouth caught up with his brain.
"I've been thinking," he started, his voice was betraying his nervousness. "Actually I've been thinking a lot, lately," he went on.
Alicia looked at him, wide eyes and arched brow giving away her total lack of understanding.
"I was about to lose everything... my career, my firm, the things I've worked hard for... and suddenly I realized that, with that gone, I had nothing... and nobody. I was alone." he said lowering his gaze. "I'm still alone."
Alicia was still looking at him, apparently confused.
"Will," she started tentatively.
"No, Alicia." He needed to interrupt her. "I need to say this now," he added, trying to give an explanation.
Alicia nodded. "Ok," she said.
"I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of going back every single night to an empty apartment, with nobody to talk to about the day. I want someone. I need someone. I decided to change my life and not just be the eligible bachelor anymore… it's something that doesn't fit me… it's something that stopped fitting me a long time ago…" he could see a terrified look in Alicia's as realization probably started to hit her as to where the conversation was leading. But he had to know.
"Will there ever be a right moment for us? I mean, the moment for a real try. It doesn't have to be now, or in one month. I just need to know if you will ever find a place for me in your life." He paused, trying to understand if Alicia was ready to throw a big no in his face or just pondering his words. One thing was sure, she looked scared.
It suddenly stopped feeling like a good idea, but it was too late to step back now. Sensing her fear, all he could do was to try and offer her a way out.
"It doesn't necessarily have to be a 'yes', Alicia. If it's a 'no', I'll have my answer anyway. I just need to know. Will you ever find a place for me in your life? It can be tomorrow, or in one month, even one year. I'll keep waiting until you are ready. No pressures, no ultimatums." His heart was shattered in tiny pieces on the floor of that freshly decorated office. Alicia was looking down, clearly torn and doubtful. He had just cornered her. It was all or nothing.
"I still have many…complications," she started.
"I know," he said looking straight in her eyes.
"Peter's campaign for governor," she went on.
"I know," he replied still looking in her eyes.
"The kids, then the divorce. It might take long," she kept on explaining.
"I know," was again his only answer.
"Would you really wait that long?" she asked, with a questioning look.
"Would it be worth waiting that long?" he turned the question to her.
He waited for an answer, patiently, as hesitation was building up on Alicia's face.
Silence was becoming unbearable, when Alicia finally said it. "Yes... It would be worth," she said, her slight smile expressing all the conflicted feelings she was probably going through.
It took him a moment to fully understand the meaning and the implications of those few words. The few words whose meaning was beyond any human understanding right now.
He stood up with a warm smile and headed for the door. Alicia followed him with her gaze.
"Then I guess I can wait a little more..." he said looking down to her with that familiar mix of hope and understanding, perfected over fifteen years of longing.
They exchanged a last smile, before he got out of her office and headed home. It's been a long day, long but positive and worthwhile. Now he needed some rest. Everything else could wait until tomorrow.