Dear stranger,
My mother always told me not to talk to strangers so this seems to be an extremely dangerous project. What if you're a creepy old man who intercepts e-mails from pen pal programs in high schools? Now, you're going to come and find me. I'll probably be dead by tomorrow. I need to hurry this letter up, so I can write my will.
Anyway, I'm only actually writing this because I don't like to get failing grades on easy assignments. Plus my language teacher is staring me down like a hawk so I can't listen to my i-pod. I might as well write to you.
And I'd just like to say something. Since when did pen pals work over E-mail? What's wrong with a good old fashioned paper letter?
Enough procrastinating on my side let me get down to the information that I'm supposed to put in this letter. I'm supposed to casually tell you all this information, but screw that. Here it goes:
Name: Delilah. I'm not supposed to give you my last name (even my school suspects that you're a creepy-e-mail-stealer-killer-man).
Interesting fact about my name: How was I supposed to casually put this in conversation? Are you serious? Who would know random facts about their name? The only 'fact' I have about my name is that it's a 'fact' that every person who meets me sings "Hey there Delilah" by Plain White Tees to me at least once. It's also a fact that a lot of people suck at singing that song.
My teacher was just reading over my shoulder (invasion of privacy much?) and she said that those aren't good facts. I looked it up and apparently my name means 'to flirt' in Arabic. My parents decided I was going to be a tramp as a baby. That's real nice, Mom and Dad!
Age: Well, I'm sure you're curious about this one, creepy old man. I'm sixteen. I thought an older gentleman like you would appreciate manners, but apparently you have nothing against asking a lady her age.
Hobbies: I enjoy sky diving, house painting and roof golf. I'm just kidding. Did you believe me? If so, then you aren't very smart. My real 'hobbies' are drawing, writing, rock climbing, and reading. Hey, stop calling me a nerd, you old man! Books make you smarter! Smart enough to know that sending letters to strangers is dangerous.
Family life: We're getting deep here, huh? Will it be awkward to know my home life when you have plans to kill me, creepy old guy? If so, then you should stop reading now. I have a Mom and a Dad (everyone does!) and they're married to each other. I have an older brother who is an architect. He seems pretty schnazzy, huh? That's all I'm saying about my family, because it's none of your business.
Where I live: I'm supposed to be very vague (I told you. They know who you are, old e-mail stealer man.). I live on Earth. What? You want me to be more specific? Fine, if you insist. I also live on the continent of North America. That narrowed it down, huh? No, it didn't? Fine, I also live in the United States of America. Now I could only live in fifty states from there. You want to guess? No, you don't? Fine then I'll tell you the state, but no more! If you're going to kill me, creepy old man, then you need to put in some effort. I live in the unique state of New Jersey. Now, if you answer this letter, saying that 'you know New Jersey! You always watch Jersey Shore!', then I'm finding you, flying to your home and slapping you in the face. This goes for any other jersey show on the air.
I feel like you aren't contributing very much to this conversation. You're awfully shy aren't you? It's your turn now. I'm done with doing all the talking. Bye, Creepy-Old-Man-That-Steals-E-Mails!
Sincerely,
Delilah