My dear readers, What you see here is no ordinary fic. Its content might be simple, but it's its purpose that counts. For this fic I wrote especially for a dear friend who's got birthday today. And in this regard: Well, I hope you'll like this. dedicated to: whispers of the sea
Happy, happy birthday, my dear! :-* :D
At first I wanted this to become an ordinary fluffy-happy-birthday-fic but for several reasons did not manage to realize this; instead I dipped into the "what happens when Maeve comes back" theme. I have to admit that I do not expect her and Bryn to be best friends right from the start, but I do like the idea of them becoming friends in the end. However. This is a family-sort-of-fic. It circles around Bryn and as I have grown to love her and Doubar as friends and a couple, it's him who is the second main person of this one shot. :) You can of course read between the lines if you like the two as well, but for all those who don't see them this way, be assured that you won't be rolling your eyes at too obvious shippiness. ;)
Yours,
TiaKisu
Finding home
Today's my birthday. It's the third I spend onboard the Nomad – the third I spend away from a home I do not even remember.
I sigh deeply as my sight crosses all the little things I got. It's funny somehow that all I can remember is my name… and a date. As if the latter would have any meaning to someone who doesn't know anything about their past. I don't know what it means for a child; have only heard stories of how someone normally looks forward to this day: how for others this is a special one - a day on which they are worshipped and on which they are happy to be alive.
For me it's just the reminder of all what I don't have and all what I lost.
What usage is a birthday to a girl whose life started three years ago – after she had lost the rest of it?
I am not sure about just how much they know. I try to hide my pain but I guess that on this one day, each year I fail. I notice it in the demeanor of my friends; notice how they try to distract my thoughts; know that they try to make it easier for me. It honours them and I truly am thankful for what they do - only it doesn't help. It cannot bring back the years lost to me, and it cannot bring back the memories I don't have. It cannot tell me who I really am. And where I belong.
Absent mindedly my right hand flies over all the little gifts that line up on my desk. I see the beautifully worked dagger Rongar got for me; and the glistening piece of glass that Firouz created. I think he calls it "magnifier". It's like a mini-version of his magnoscope – only that it does not enlarge far-away objects but small ones that are already close to you. I know he put much effort into making it and the fact that he gave it to me allows the tiniest of smiles to play on my lips. But it doesn't last long. It leaves my face as soon as my fingertips reach the old magic book that's lying next to the glass and which Sinbad and Maeve gifted me with. Carefully I let my index trace its worn surface while a frown forms on my face. So much has changed since she came back – so many things that I have yet to get used to.
Knowing that Maeve must have picked the book for me tells me that the friendship we are trying to build is slowly growing stronger, and yet I know that what once happened is still lingering between us. Unspoken yet not unheard it remains a border that we have not succeeded to cross yet. Sinbad and I have long understood - and Maeve knows. She forgave, but it's not as easy to forget. We are just learning to let our worlds become one but for now they are still apart. It's she who came back and reclaimed her life.
And her home.
It's when this one word crosses my mind that I shut my eyes fiercely. All of a sudden I feel my throat tighten and once again my heart beats faster, aching painfully with every beat it takes. Home. It's what I don't have. I don't remember the one I had before, and the one I had hoped to have found after changed with her return. And even those presents cannot make me forget about that.
Leaving all the lovingly collected items behind, I stand up abruptly and shove the chair I just sat on away. I need to get outside; need to let my thoughts get distracted by the winds that gently lead the Nomad on her way.
Not caring about the night, I leave my cabin without even my cloak and head towards the deck. For some reason my steps are fast yet careful. I don't want to meet any of them; not now that is.
Glad that I was able to make my way to the main door unnoticed by anyone, I silently open it and step outside. The cool air that meets my face lets me draw in a deep breath and for just a moment I feel myself calm down. Darkness envelops me and avoiding the flickering lights the few lamps on board send out, I walk to the bow. Leaning against its reeling as I have often done before, I let my sight meet the endless sea and its horizon.
A new sigh leaves my throat as a strange feeling of longing suddenly mixes with the ones I had before, and although I should know better I give into it.
I have often sat here and wondered what life might have been like; who I have been and whether I had family and friends. Maybe I had siblings - I think – had a mother and father I sought advice from; maybe I even was in love. And now, once more, I wonder if just maybe there's someone out there who misses me and waits for my return as my friends had for Maeve's.
I wonder if I have a home.
It's a cool breeze which in just this moment passes by and distracts me as it makes me shiver. Automatically I draw my arms closer to my body, try to keep my warmth while for the first time I notice just how cold this night really is. Slightly I rub my arms but when I feel a second breeze rush past me, I let go off my thoughts and start to push away from the reeling.
I am about to head back but stop midway when suddenly I feel the soft fabric of a cloak meet my skin. Involuntarily I wince before my sight turns upwards just to meet a pair of pale blue eyes.
"You really shouldn't be out in the cold without this."
His words cross the silence of this night and for a moment I know to give no answer but to simply look at him. Through the darkness I can see him frown at me for a second before in an almost hasty way he lifts his hands, which were still lingering on my shoulders, and lets them fall to his side where they close around his belt.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you", he then adds more calmly, "it's just … I noticed you go outside and…"
I do not let him continue. I just shake my head slightly and give him a faint smile. "No, it's okay, Doubar. Thank you."
Then I draw the cloak closer and as the warm fabric shields me from the chill I slowly lean back to rest against the reeling again. I do not say another word and for a reason I don't know myself, I hope that this will signal him to go back and leave me to melt into the night once more. I want to get carried away by my thoughts again. But he doesn't go. Instead he turns to let his eyes meet the same vast horizon that mine already had.
For some time then neither of us talks and although I feel strangely upset about his silent presence, I soon enough let my attention be drawn back to the seas and the sky in front of us.
Through the pitch black darkness tiny stars sparkle and the pale moon gifts us with what little light it can provide. The night breeze ruffles the sails gently and I am just about to tilt my head and look back at them, when suddenly Doubar speaks up again.
"I know your birthday always reminds you of what you lost", he says with a low voice while my eyes slowly meet his face, "we all do."
He hasn't moved even though I have. By now I am looking at him questioningly. I am not fully aware of this, but I study his features intently - but all he does is continue to watch the ocean.
"But in fact", and suddenly he pushes away from the reeling, "it should remind you of what you gained." His gaze lies on me for a minute and I frown deeply at the shivers that suddenly run down my arms. Instinctively I try and draw the cloak closer around me – albeit knowing that the shiver did not come from the cold – but feel myself hindered from doing so by a hand that suddenly reaches for my own one. My eyebrows rise as I feel his warm left hand close gently around my right one and when I lift my sight to meet his own I know that he'll find a silent question lying in the depths of mine.
"I have yet to give you something", he says quickly, almost apologetically, as if he had received what I did not voice out.
And then I see him reach into a little pocket that's attached to his belt before his right hand, too, motions to cover mine. A little something suddenly meets my palm and it's in this moment that Doubar retracts his hands and thus enables me to have a look at what he got. At first the darkness surrounds it like a mist, shielding it from my view, but as I shift it slightly I recognize its nature. And I cannot help the gasp that leaves my throat. For what I hold in my right hand is a deep golden brown stone – the most beautiful one I have ever seen. I lift the gem to have a better look at it and turning slightly to make better usage of the dim light, I narrow my eyes.
There's an engraving. A ship. The Nomad.
Abruptly my head snaps upwards and I stare at Doubar blankly. I do not miss the tiny smile that hushes across his face, before he half-shrugs: "I'm sorry it took me so long to get it finished, but it's rather small - and these big hands ya know... ." For a second he grins at me sheepishly, but then he grows serious. I can see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice. Calmly he explains to me what I had not anticipated him to say: "My mother always used to wear a lucky charm that was meant to remind her of her home…"
Somehow I feel myself waiting for him to continue but deep down inside I know he won't. He just lets these words linger in the air, echoing silently between us while with his pale blue eyes he holds my gaze. I try to read in them; try to find the meaning of what he says and somewhere in these lights of his' I find my answer.
I close my hand firmly around the pendant; feel the little staple get pressed into my skin, while thoughts start rushing through my head.
Slowly do I realize what he wants to say; hear what he decided not to voice out.
But how can it be, I notice myself wonder. How can it be he knows?
And how can it be he cares?
Do they all think like him?
"Sometimes, through the mists that might cloud a long-awaited port, we do not recognize that we already have arrived", his words break through my reverie as his voice surrounds me again, "but still we are there. We just need to open our eyes and see beyond the haze" Then he takes a short breath before slowly his right hand moves to meet my shoulder with a gentle squeeze.
"Things will be alright."
The contact is just brief, and yet for me, it feels like eternity. His affectionate eyes sparkle at me and in their depths I can see a wisdom I never saw with them before - a wisdom that tells me of something long forgotten and about belief.
For some strange reason I cannot decipher, I feel unable to move when in the next moment he lets go off me and sends a last smile my way. Then he turns around and I know he is about to leave the bow and return below deck. My mouth opens but no sound comes from it - I want to keep him from going but just for once I'm frozen. The astonishment about his words soon gives way to the realization of what he was truly telling me and it makes me feel dizzy for only a second. But then, finally, I regain control. Before he is too far gone to be reached out to, I suddenly take a step forward and let my left hand find his upper arm.
"Doubar." It's all I can come up with. All I know to say. I know that my voice is trembling, but for once I do not care.
When he turns back to me, even in the darkness I can see his gaze flicker across my face. He studies me, I am aware; looks at me questioningly while he listens intently to all what I might say. But no more words will follow his name. I hold his gaze as long as I can, but something inside me has long decided that there's only one answer he deserves to get.
I don't know what exactly tells my muscles to move; don't know what gives me the confidence to do so; I feel my cheeks burn with a blush when suddenly I move forward to lean into him. Carefully, almost hesitatingly I let my arms close around him loosely while silently I tell myself that this is just a thankful hug. And maybe that is really it is.
At first I notice him tense; he shifts slightly and I am aware that he looks down at me, being surprised. But then his own arms start to encircle me and while he hugs me gently, his voice once more reaches my ears.
"Stop searching, little one", he says and I can feel his breath warm against my skin, "For you found it long ago." Then he carefully tightens the hold he has on me and I cannot help but reply by doing just the same.
A deep breath enters my lungs – it carries his scent and only for a moment I perceive nothing else but this. It reminds me of the friends I was blessed to find; of how deeply they care. It tells me of a place where I am no one else but me – tells me of a family. And here – now - where I had least expected it, I suddenly feel safe and warm. Suddenly I feel the warmth of home.
Tightly I close my eyes as the world is closing in on me. I feel things inside me change as a new peace spreads deep within my soul.
When finally he lets go, I wince at the cold air that right after meets my senses. I feel the urge to tell him to stay; to tell him to not let this moment pass by - but I know I will never say a single word.
And I know none needs to be said either.
Once again his blue eyes twinkle at me before he winks and turns around to go. I stay behind and watch him leave. When eventually his figure has vanished from my sight, I draw back into the shadows at the bow again. But this time I do not feel the need to melt into them. I just stand here and lift my hand; let the little stone glisten in the pale moonlight. My gaze lies on it and feeling my heart beat in a soft rhythm, I allow myself to think of what this gem really means to me.
I do understand what Doubar said; and what he didn't need to voice out.
And I am thankful.
My hands move swiftly as all of a sudden I open my necklace and doff it only to replace its pendant with the stone. And when right after I put it into place again I feel a smile settle on my face.
For any observer I might have just altered it, but for me it's really more than that.
I finally replaced my past with my present. For the first time in years, the family I missed to have leaves my mind as the one I found fills my heart. My left hand encloses the pendant and caresses its surface gently while finally, after all this time, I am able to let go off what I don't have just to celebrate what I gained.
Doubar is right. This I start to understand. And I start to realize that this is not about Maeve reclaiming her home – has in fact never been – but that this is about the two of us having found a new one. I know so little about her; know only the few things Dermott told me, but if I am being honest with myself I know that she, too, had to leave something behind. Something meaningful. And just like me she was blessed with a new life when her old one got lost to her. But I do know now that she was wiser than me for so much earlier did she realize that we have long found what deep inside we both had been searching for:
That long ago we have found a new home.
Maybe one day I will succeed in finding my past; maybe I will find the place I came from – will get to know who I was before. But finally I start to comprehend that what counts the most now is my present - and all those who are part of it.
One last time I cast my eyes to meet the glistening sky above me. I feel the stone meet my skin as slowly I let my hand sink, a small smile playing on my lips.
Exhaling softly I send a silent thanks to get carried away by the winds:
Today's my birthday. The third I spend onboard the Nomad.
It's the first I spend at home.
P.S.: For anyone who's interested in what the stone is supposed to look like: just drop a line and I'll try to add a link. :)