As long as the day is full of time there will always be room for your hand in mine
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Rating: PG-13, I let Sam curse a bit
Summary: Sam tries to deal with news that she wanted five years ago.
Author's Note: This ignores that "conversation" Sam and Elizabeth had back in Feb. I'm going with them not hating each other anymore but still awkward. In character or not, this is a scene I've pictured for a while (since late last year) and I happen to like it!
And…Sonny's trial continued, Michael didn't come forward because Dante didn't find him (or whatever - this isn't in the fic), Sonny got off, basically all this so that there's no prison stuff.
And…I won't be going into medical details, I know nothing and I don't want to try and guess. I'm making this more complicated than I should.
Also, this isn't my first fic, but it's my first GH fic and my first one in first person POV. Criticism welcome!
...
Oh, my God.
This just shouldn't be happening. I mean, if I had been anyone else, I might not be so surprised. Jason and I didn't exactly not enjoy each other in many wonderful ways. But I'm Sam McCall.
I'm not supposed to get pregnant.
And this is what's leading me to wander, rather aimlessly, around the hospital. And thinking that I should have brought a sweater because it's kinda cold in here.
So, I actually make it to the elevators, and as my awesome luck would have it, Elizabeth steps up to wait as well.
We don't really acknowledge each other. I think we've made some silent agreement that it's good for the both of us to just…not talk. Or at least I've made that silent vow. But I know she's looking at me, and yeah, she's made that agreement, too.
But I believe we've made progress and we both feel we can handle stepping onto the same elevator. Even though it's just the two of us and I'm starting to see why some people are claustrophobic.
"Are you alright?"
Well, fuck.
"Hmm?"
"You just look really pale, and I thought I should ask." At least she looks genuine. And wow, she's gotten big. I haven't really seen her in months, and I knew she was pregnant, but I guess I forgot. I don't know, it just feels like it was the other day that Jason told me what Lucky told him about Elizabeth being pregnant with Nikolas' child.
"It's really just not a good day for me." The nurse's head kind of tilted, probably wondering if she should smile and shut up.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"With you?"
"Oh."
That was awkward. I sigh to myself. I really do feel I'm over all that crap. And she hasn't been rude to me in a good long while. And hey, who the hell would she willingly talk to about this?
"I, I don't know if I can really express what I'm feeling right now. This is just hard. I'm, I don't even know how I'm gonna talk to Jason about this. Or even if I want to. But that would be a little weird. And I'm already horrible at hiding anything from that man."
I see Elizabeth nodding as I say this. But if she's thinking or feeling anything similar to me at the moment, she's praying really hard that those doors open immediately.
"I've got a pair of ears, and there's no one I would tell. I know that's the last thing you want to do, but it could, I don't know, make you feel better?"
And I stare at her, weirdly, for a moment. I want to be mean and petty and I hope that's the hormones. But I bite my tongue. For now.
"You've gotten really big." Shit.
"What?"
"Sorry, I just meant, I had heard you were pregnant and I see you're coming along really nicely." And I manage a smile. But I know it's pained. She's gonna have three children. My tongue's going to start to bleed any minute now.
"Oh, well, thanks. It's going to be really interesting when this one comes." She's looking at her stomach as she's saying this, and even I can see she's a little sad about it. Alexis told me that Elizabeth was pushing Nikolas away, probably telling him that she wished the baby was Lucky's.
And now I'm just staring at her as she rubs her belly, remembering that feeling when I was pregnant so long ago. Knowing that you're carrying something so precious, when you can feel that glow everyone tells you they can see.
"I'm pregnant."
Jesus Christ.
But that shut her up. For a second.
"I'd say congratulations if it was going to be appreciated. You look like you're going to be sick. I mean, I um, remember when having a baby meant everything to you. Is it because of what the doctor said years ago?"
I actually tear up when she says this. Because I remember those days all too well. But maybe I'm a little lucky because the elevator doors just opened, and I hurriedly step out. But I turn back to Elizabeth as she steps out as well.
"You know what, thank you. You really didn't have to say anything to me, and honestly, I would have been perfectly okay with that. But, I…can you not say anything to anyone? I just found out and I just need to put my own head back together before I even go home."
As soon as she nods, I turn to walk away.
...
My God, this bed is just not as comfy as it used to be. Feels hard and lumpy. I came home, well, Jason's because I still can't let go of my own place, and was trying to get some sleep, but for some reason this damn bed all of a sudden sucks. Laughing a little to myself, I picture buying a new mattress with Jason. Yeah, that's something I'm gonna end up having to do alone. Hopefully that's all I end up doing alone.
A little bit later, when I was just starting to drift off, the bed dips and an arm wraps around my waist.
"I thought I wouldn't see you till the morning."
"Well, it is three o'clock in the morning." I feel his lips on the back of my neck and smile. This feels so nice, so good. And I'm going to blow it.
"Jason?"
"Hmmm." He's burying his face in my hair and I don't know why I'm doing this now when I just want to lay here and be completely wrapped up in him.
"I love you."
I turn my head to the side to see him prop his head up.
"I know." There's a pause. Waiting for me to say something. "I love you too." He squeezes me a little with the arm he still has around me. My eyes shut for a moment. I should just leave it at that and forget about this torture in my head for a couple days.
But instead, I whisper: "I'm pregnant."
He stares at me a moment, taking in what I just said. I see it finally hit him and he just deflates. But he's looking at me and sees that it's serious, and it's real.
I feel Jason struggle to let out his breathe as he wraps both arms around me, encircling me in his very tight embrace. He squeezes me to his chest, as scared as me now to think about what this means. We were so certain about what kind of future we had just yesterday.
Damn it all, we had come to terms with this. All this time after being told I would never have children, I could truthfully say that I was okay with it. I had fully accepted my lifestyle and understood it and loved it. And why would Jason even think of having children when he worked so hard to keep Jake out?
"What did the doctor say?"
"She's uncertain if I'll be able to carry to term." I stop and squeeze me eyes shut, I can feel my tears trying to leak out. I can't do this.
There's another pause. I can hear Jason's heart breaking, for me and himself, as he chokes out an apology.
And with that, I turn in his arms and cling to him as I sob. I feel his body shaking as mine does.
After crying for so long, my mind starts to race with a million questions.
"What do we do now, Jason?" My voice sounds strange. I know my throat feels clogged, it hurts just to swallow.
He pulls back from me a little, shaking his head. "I don't know, Sam."
I'm nodding, a lot, unfocused now and not knowing what to say. There's so much…too much.
"Can, can we just not talk then? I can't, I still don't know what to think about what's happening. Or even if it'll matter a week from now." Now my head's shaking because even though I don't want to talk, I still can't stop thinking.
And neither can Jason, as he once again squeezes me to him, clearly not liking where our thoughts are going.
And so now we try to sleep.
...
For the past week, Jason and I somehow managed to just not talk about it. And that was awkward because we ended up not talking at all.
I mean, we let each other know when we were heading out but we just didn't talk. In the kitchen in the morning, he would just watch me as I made tea. He would then sigh and go back to munching on his toast. I would watch him as he talked on his phone, to Sonny or Bernie, and I could see when they'd mention something that probably pissed him off and now he just paused, said "I'll talk to you later" and abruptly hang up.
So, we weren't handling this in the best way possible. Or the healthiest.
But what the fuck were we supposed to do? It was like suddenly all those times we avoided talking about the past have come back to bite us in the ass because I can't help but think, how am I meant to be a mother when I watched a baby get kidnapped? How am I supposed to raise a baby with a man that denies he's already a father and once threatened to kill me?
Although, all of that kind of paled in comparison to the fact that we don't even know if this was going to happen. There was no certainty that I would even be able to give birth, or if I'd even survive it. Sure, Kelly Lee shortly addressed the fact that she's known women with severe uterine scar tissue that went on to have healthy babies. Of course, she also made it clear that every woman is different and blah blah blah.
Damn it.
Here she was waiting on the couch for Jason to come back so they could go for their first ultrasound and I'm crying. That's a great way to greet a guy who's already pretty freaked out.
Speaking of, here he comes through the door. I take a deep breath, keeping it together and wipe the tears off my face. He'll probably ignore it, just like I ignored that he took that godforsaken box of whatever out the other night when he couldn't sleep.
"Are you ready to go?" I just get up and nod at him. He puts his gun away in the lockbox and shrugs off his jacket. It's gotten really hot out and I've noticed he's been going without his jacket more often. I can't blame him, a part of me just wants to take cold showers all day long because it's so freaking hot out. I resist the urge to leave behind my own sweater but it's light and I remember the chill I got last week at the hospital.
...
There's a thought that enters my mind as we're driving to GH. I try not to say it out loud, but a week of not talking is really getting to me, and I know it's wearing on Jason as well.
"Have you thought about how I got pregnant?" I glance over at him and I see he looks confused by what I'm asking. One, because I'm speaking and two, probably because it's a little bit of a stupid question.
"I mean, obviously we're having sex, but I mean, I was on birth control. Which clearly wasn't enough, but I guess we really didn't see the point in condoms. I know you don't really like them anyway." Ha! He actually blushes at this. It's something I remember from the first time we were together. When we tried to conceive, I remember him taken an odd pleasure in not using them. The time we tried after I was shot, he actually threw them out. And even though I try not to think about it, I suppose those condoms really were worthless.
"Anyway, you know how a couple weeks ago I was on those antibiotics? They failed to mention, or remind me, whatever, that birth control and antibiotics don't mix, cancel each other out or something like that. And we, well, we were kind of really active the last week I was taking them." I look over at him again, as we're stopped at the light, and I swear a see a smirk on his face. I'm glad he remembers that week too. It was amazing, we got to turn off our phones, lock the doors at my place because we just couldn't trust Spinelli to stay away from Jason's and we hardly got out of bed. It was something we've never really done before and it was the most carefree I think we've ever been.
Best week ever.
But he still won't look at me, and I can't blame him, but he surprises the hell out of me by reaching over and holding his hand out. I take the invitation and he laces our fingers and grips them tightly. Suddenly that lump in my throat is back. I blow out a breath as I realize that he gets it. He's as scared as I am. As clueless as to what this means and what to do.
And we're in this together.
...
Holy shit. I forgot how cold that jelly was. Really unpleasant. Just as unpleasant was the fact that Jason was standing nearly across the room from me, practically pacing back and forth and being really annoying. He fired off a bunch of questions to the tech and I'm pretty sure he kicked the floor when she couldn't give the answers he was looking for.
I keep wanting to get his attention, but his shoulders are so rigid they look like they could break. The tech is prepping everything still and turning on the machine and getting everything out. We weren't able to talk to Dr. Lee today, but she scheduled us to talk tomorrow. And I am so looking forward to that.
When said tech finally puts the probe on my belly, I swing my arm out, trying to get Jason's attention or grab his shirt, something. He finally notices me and grabs my arm, he comes closer and sits on the stool next to me and just holds my hand. I stare at him as he cradles my hand between his. He actually looks back at me now and leans forward to brush his lips against mine. I shut my eyes for a moment before I hear the tech.
"Okay, you two ready? Because here is your baby." We look up to see her pointing to the screen, describing to us what we're seeing.
I'm able to remember a little from when I was pregnant so long ago, but it takes my breath away to be seeing this now.
And then the tech does something and we, my god, we can see the baby's heart beating so clearly. I free my one hand from Jason's and cover my face with both. I'm fighting to hold in my sobbing, to stop from completely losing it. I feel his hand on my head, stroking my hair. I can hear him get up from the chair and I feel him lean his head in toward me. He's whispering to me, I don't know what, I'm not really hearing anything at the moment. His forehead touches mine.
I'm starting to come back and I hear the door to the room shut. Whatever Jason's saying is starting to come through, I think he felt me flinch when the room's door shut.
"She's leaving us alone for a moment. Sam, Sam, I love you. I do, and I can't, I, we'll figure this out. I swear to you, we will figure this out." And I hear the tears in his voice.
I slowly sit up, continually aware of that nasty jelly still on my stomach and I look at him. I wipe the wetness from my cheeks, with an occasionally thumb from Jason as help, and I look at him.
"We're having a baby?" He nods at me and I wrap my arms around his neck as he takes me in his arms. We hold on to each other as we truly absorb that we're having a child together.
...
The end.
The last scene was what I've been picturing in my head for a long time and that's why it's the end. Maybe I'll feel good enough to write a longer fic to go through the whole pregnancy, but don't hold your breathe, sorry!