Whoo, been a while since I've written something, especially something clean! Being a college student really eats your face. But I'm back, and of course I come bearing angst! This fic is set during "Jyushimatsu Falls In Love", from Homura's point of view - some scenes are expanded upon scenes from the episode, while others are entirely original.
She took a deep breath, inhaling the scent of the salty sea air as the cool breeze swirled around her. It used to be such a relaxing scent, bringing to mind childhood memories of playing on the beach with her siblings, basking in the glowing sun, believing she'd be that happy for the rest of her life.
But here on the edge of this cliff, happiness was the furthest thing from her mind. She'd never be happy again. Not after they stole happiness away from her.
How did it all go so wrong? She'd had high hopes when she left her parents' home and headed for the big city. As she sat on the train to this place, she'd had it all figured out in her head. She'd find herself an exciting job, perhaps in acting or modeling. The work would be a bit exhausting, but fulfilling. She'd meet friends here, maybe even a husband. When she did find her husband, she'd move into a house big enough to raise children. Her loved ones would all support her career wholeheartedly, but still assure her that they loved her as a person, not just because she was a media name. She'd have everything she wanted, and she'd be so, so happy...
At first, it seemed to be going that way. Her apartment was smaller and more rundown than she would have liked, which wasn't part of the plan, but she quickly found herself a job modeling clothing for store catalogs. It paid well, and she had high hopes of upgrading her living situation soon.
But as time went on, they demanded she model outfits much too skimpy for her comfort.
Then they didn't want her in any outfits at all.
Then even that wasn't enough...
Despite the company quickly revealing itself to be a scam, she needed the money. As rundown as it was, that small apartment wasn't cheap, and she couldn't take the chance required to just walk out and worry about finding other work later. Could she even find other work? What if they recognized her face? Was she even worthy of so much as a job cleaning toilets, after all the things she'd done on camera? Hell, would her contract even let her leave in the first place? Her manager wasn't exactly the most generous man in the world. Requests to at least return to clothed pictures were met with resistance; there was no way he'd let her walk out entirely, especially not without consequences.
Maybe the only way to truly escape was...
She shuddered as she brushed her hand over the bandages on her wrist. This wasn't the first time she'd tried such a drastic method of escape. Slashing her wrist hurt like hell, but in the end, didn't kill her. At first, she tried to find silver lining in the fact that she felt compelled to kill herself; with the bandages and wounds, surely they wouldn't want her nude on camera anymore? Surely they'd give her a break, allow her to return to the type of modeling she actually enjoyed, at least temporarily?
All they did was scold her for damaging her beautiful body and insist she wear opened shirts or bracelets during her scenes until her wrist healed.
Beautiful... they all called her that. Her manager, her co-stars, her fans.
So why did she feel so disgusting?
Bracing herself, she stepped toward the edge of the cliff. The crashing waves and jagged rocks seemed so imposing, so threatening... so inviting, so comforting. This time wouldn't fail; this time wouldn't only leave scars. What would kill her, she wondered? Would she die on impact? Would she drown? Drowning sounded terrifying, but not nearly as scary as going back to that place, under hot lights and hot bodies, faking enthusiasm while every nerve begged for death.
Her nerves would have their wish soon. Just a few more steps, and then-
"Muscle, muscle! Hustle, hustle!"
She snapped out of her morbid thoughts at the sound of a loud voice on the beach down below. She peered down to see a man in a baseball uniform wielding a bat. He chanted repeatedly as he marched down the shoreline, his smile not betraying a single care in the world.
Why a baseball uniform? Didn't people normally play things like volleyball on the beach? She'd never seen someone bring a bat to the beach before. And who did he intend to play with, anyway? There was no one else here!
Well, judging by his smile, at least he seemed happy with his choices.
"One! Two! Three! Four!" The stranger began counting as he swung his bat at a rapid rhythm, not hitting anything, but also not slowing down.
She sank down to a sitting position and hugged her knees close. She wasn't sure if he could see her up there, and she didn't want to take that chance. No matter how ready she was to die in that instant, it wasn't worth traumatizing someone. She could wait... with how roughly he swung that bat, surely he'd wear himself out and leave soon. Then she could get on with things.
At least, that's what she thought at first. She didn't expect him to reach one thousand swings... nor two thousand... even by three thousand, he showed no signs that he'd be leaving soon. That wide smile remained, and those swings never lost their speed or power.
She had to look away from that smile. All it did was remind her of what she hadn't done honestly in far too long.
Four thousand... five thousand... how long had he been down there? While she didn't want to ruin his fun, she still hoped he'd leave soon. It wasn't much fun sitting on the ground, reflecting over the events that led her out here in the first place. She didn't even feel she could climb down and leave. What if he saw her then, and she had to explain what she was doing? No, she couldn't possibly bring anyone into this. All she wanted was for him to leave, to remain oblivious to her shattered body as the sea carried it away.
Six thousand... a major league team should really pick him up and give him somewhere more private to practice, she thought. His stamina almost scared her. As he continued to count, she prepared herself for the next thousand, but he didn't make it very far. She jolted up as "6,020!" was followed by a splash and a gurgling sound, and turned toward him just in time to see a large wave bowling him over.
She told herself to stay away from him to save him from her own decision, but letting him drown out there would have been in direct opposition to the point. Plans of suicide forgotten for the time being, she bolted down the path from the cliff's edge to the ground, hoping she wasn't too late. Mercifully, his body hadn't been washed away, but less luckily, either he hit his head on the way down or got a hefty mouthful of sea water, for he now lay immobile on the sand.
Was he still alive? Now that would be a cruel twist of fate; did the universe intend to punish her for her suicide attempt by making her witness a death herself? No, no, she couldn't assume that yet... she dropped down to her knees and pressed down on his chest. Even if she wasn't trained at this, she wasn't sure what else to do. Running back to town for help would have taken precious time, and she didn't think she'd need to bring her cell phone to her own death, so that was back at her apartment.
"Wake up..." she pleaded, hoping she was doing this right. "Please, wake up..."
He gasped as the light returned to his eyes. She could have cried with relief at that sound; she didn't know him at all, but who ever wants to watch someone die?
She didn't have time to express that relief before water gushed from his ears, nose... and most confusingly, from the top of his head.
Did... did that just happen?
The stream of water stopped, and the man went immobile once more. In order to assure herself that she hadn't just seen something so odd, she pressed down on his chest again. The stress must have been getting to her, making her see things-
Water gushed from his head again, only to dissipate once she relieved pressure.
Okay, okay, third time's the charm, it won't happen again- she pressed again, and it happened again.
He still wasn't moving, so she gave another push- and even more water sprayed out.
This whole thing was so unexpected, so ridiculous, she had no idea how to respond.
So she laughed.
Laughter burst out of her, so strongly and suddenly that it made her chest hurt. Laughter! Beautiful laughter! It'd been so long since she managed this! All the things that used to give her joy had been failing to impress her for months, but this... he caught her off guard. She couldn't help herself. She pressed down on his chest yet again, triggering even more water. The laughter left her feeling delirious, almost high, and damn it, she needed more! She needed to laugh! She needed to make up for those lost months!
"Thank you very muscle!" In an instant, the young man jumped out from under her hands and to his feet, and was now in a low bow, his arms fastened to his side.
"Ah... it's no trouble," she said, her laughter finally fading away, though the odd thank you did extend it. "I saw what happened, and I couldn't just leave you..." She rose to her feet, then brushed the sand from her skirt.
"I almost struck out! No good!" he said, laughing as if he hadn't almost died. He stood up straight and looked around him, an open-mouthed grin still taking up half of his face. "Have you seen my bat?"
"I'm sorry, I haven't," she said. "It must have gotten washed away..."
"Awww!" he whined. "That was Ichimatsu's favorite, too!"
"Ichimatsu?"
"Yeah! He's my big brother!" he explained. "We play baseball together all the time!"
"That sounds very sweet," she said, thinking back to her own siblings and how she'd often play games with them.
"He loved that bat! Said it was the most comfy!"
"Um... comfy?" she asked; that wasn't a word she expected to hear in relation to baseball bats. "You mean, it was the one he liked holding the most...?"
The young man replied not with an explanation, but with a manic laugh.
She didn't even want to know anymore. But she had to admit, that laugh was infectious.
"Um... my name is Kanno," she said in an attempt to leave that thought behind. "Homura Kanno. It's very nice to meet you." She held out one hand and smiled.
"I'm Jyushimatsu Matsuno!" he said, grabbing her hand in both of his and shaking it wildly. "I like your name! It sounds like a home run! Like in baseball!"
She giggled. "Yes, I guess it does."
"You saved me!" he continued on. "The ocean almost stole my base, but you saved me! Come with me! I wanna say thank you!"
"It's all right, you don't have to do anything," she said, her attention drifting back to the cliff behind her. She almost forgot about that...
"Do you like parfaits?" he asked.
"You really don't have to thank me," she insisted. Meeting this man may have been nice, but it didn't fix everything that had come before. "Like I said, I couldn't just leave you."
"Are you busy?" he asked. "Is there something else you need to do?"
"Well, no..." Lying through her teeth, but what else was she supposed to say?
"Then you should let me buy you a parfait!" he said. "I know where to get really good ones! You'll love it, I promise!" He pulled on her hand, having failed to let go when he first shook it. "Come on!"
She took another look at the cliff behind her.
"...okay. I'll come along. This is very kind of you."
He really seemed to want to thank her; perhaps it wouldn't hurt anything to allow him.
She could always come back here afterward.
"So... Matsuno..."
"Jyushimatsu is fine! My brothers are all Matsuno, too! It's confusing!"
He'd taken her to a small snack parlor with outside tables. It wasn't the most upscale place, but still fairly cute in concept. He'd already placed his order for two parfaits at the counter, and the pair now waited for them to be ready.
"All right, Jyushimatsu," Homura said, smiling. This man was very loud, but had a cheerful air to him that made it difficult for her to make any other expression. "So, you like baseball? Do you play professionally?"
"Nope! Not on a team!" he said. "But I will be someday! I'm gonna be a great batter, and I'm gonna get more home runs than anybody! It's gonna be great!"
Dreams of fame.. becoming famous wasn't so simple.
But with the way he smiled, there was no way she could take that from him.
"Well, I wish you the best of luck!" she said. "It sounds like that would make you very happy."
"It would! The happiest!" he said. "So, what about you? I love baseball! What do you love? What do you do?"
Homura's blood ran cold at that question. She knew what she used to love, but what did she have now? "Um..." she said, trying to formulate an answer that was neither dishonest nor awkward. "I'm a model." Saying that much seemed safe; he knew her real name, but not the name she performed as, and so far didn't seem to recognize her face. He wouldn't be acting this friendly if he already knew what she really was, right?
"A model?!" Jyushimatsu cried, slamming his hands down on the table and leaning toward her. "Yeah! I can see that! You're super cute! You're definitely a model! Modeling must be fun!"
"It's actually a lot of work," Homura said, blushing at his compliment. He said it with such innocence that she couldn't possibly associate it with some of the compliments she'd gotten at work. It didn't even belong in the same universe as what she heard there. "I wanted to be one, but now I'm not sure... it's less fun than I thought it would be."
"Aw! That's bad!" Jyushimatsu said, settling back in his seat. "I hope you can make it fun again! They shouldn't take modeling from you! It'd be like taking baseball from me, or cats from Ichimatsu, or idols from Choromatsu, or..."
She half-listened as he rattled off the names of who she assumed to be his brothers, along with their hobbies. Damn it, why had she mentioned her modeling career? What if that made something click in his head and he figured out what type of modeling she did? More importantly, reminding herself of what she did for work brought her back to those memories of what happened on the job, memories that took a tight enough hold to negate the cheering effect that sitting near Jyushimatsu seemed to have.
"Hey, hey! You all right?" he asked.
"I'm... I'm fine," she said, staring down at the table rather than at his face. She was vaguely aware of an employee setting two parfaits and two cups of water on the table, but wasn't present enough to do anything about that fact.
"Look over here!" Jyushimatsu said. Slowly, she lifted her head to see him picking up his cup of water. He downed the whole thing in one gulp, then strained his face in concentration.
Homura was about to ask if he was the one who wasn't all right, but his smile quickly returned as the water gushed out of his head, just like back at the beach.
She couldn't help it. She lost herself laughing at the ridiculous sight again.
"How do you do that?!" she said through her laughter.
"I drink water! Then it happens!" he said as the stream tapered off.
"Doesn't it hurt?" she asked.
"The salt water hurt my nose!" he admitted. "And that water was a bit cold! But it's fine! It made you laugh, right?"
"Yes. It did."
"Whoo! Victory!" he cried. "Now, go on! Eat the parfait! It's yummy! I bet the parfait will make you happy, too!"
At his urging, she took a spoonful of her peach-flavored dessert. "Oh! This is really good!" she said after swallowing the sweet mixture of fruit and cream. "Thank you for buying me this." She took a few more bites, savoring it as if it came from a five-star restaurant rather than a chain shop on the street. Dessert hadn't tasted nearly this good in a very long time.
Perhaps having good company made it taste even sweeter.
"Yeah! It's great!" Jyushimatsu agreed after rapidly shoveling half the lemon parfait into his mouth. She wondered how he managed to get it all into his mouth at that pace, rather than smearing it on his face or dropping it on the ground. "I come here all the time! I love parfaits!"
"I can see why. Are all parfaits good, or is it just here?"
"They're usually different in other places, but they're all good!" he said. "I really like the ones at Sutabaa! But I only got to go there once. I don't think I'm allowed to anymore!"
"Why wouldn't you be allowed?" she asked.
She quickly got the feeling that he laughed the loudest in response to questions he didn't want to answer.
"Is this fun?" he asked instead. "Are you having fun?"
Despite her mood an hour ago, she did have to agree with him. "Yes. I'm having fun."
"Aren't you glad I brought you here?"
"I am. Thank you very much."
"Then we should do this again!" he said. "We could meet here again tomorrow! But we don't have to eat parfaits again! You can try something else, or we can bring our own dessert and go have a picnic, or we could..." On and on, he listed all sorts of date ideas. She hadn't even accepted yet!
"Jyushimatsu..." she said. "This was very kind of you, but I don't think I'll be able to come back tomorrow."
"Okay! Day after that!" he said. "It's supposed to be nice out! We can go play in the park!"
"No, I mean... I don't think I'll be able to do this again. No matter what day."
"Ehhh?!" he cried out. "Why not?"
The sea breeze ruffling her hair. The raging sea crashing against the cliff face. The jagged rocks and their offers of freedom.
The scorching lights. The harsh language shouted at her. The supposed compliments that left her feeling worse than ever.
She couldn't go back to that studio. She had to go back to that cliff.
"Did I do something wrong?" Jyushimatsu asked. "Do you not want to see me again?"
"It's not that I don't want to see you again," Homura said. "I did have fun here. You're a nice, funny guy, and I'm glad I ran into you today."
"And you're a sweet, cute girl, and I'm glad you saved me!" he said. "So I wanna see you again! So if we both wanna see each other again, then we should, right?"
Raging sea, jagged rocks, freedom, freedom, freedom from the heat and the harshness-
His laughter, his antics, his kindness-
Make a choice, make a choice-
"I have work tomorrow afternoon," she said. "But maybe we can meet around dinner time? Say, six o'clock?" If she had to go back to that studio again, maybe seeing his face afterward would help relieve some of the sting.
"Yeah! They sell hamburgers here! Let's try those!"
"All right! Sounds like a date!"
"A date?!" Jyushimatsu exclaimed. "A date! I'm going on a date! It's really a date?"
She laughed again at his excitement. "If you want it to be, then it's a date."
"It's a date! And you're laughing! This is the best!" he said. "Hey..." His voice became unexpectedly quiet, and his face took on a serious expression, his smile gone and his eyes wide. "You promise? I'll get to see you again?"
"I'll be here," she said.
"If I don't see you again after you say I will, I might worry," he said. It didn't sound like a threat meant to guilt her into showing up, but more like a statement of fact. "Please promise I'll see you again?"
"You'll see me again," she said. "I promise."
It was just one date. Just to make him happy. Not that seeing him again would make her unhappy... but it didn't mean she couldn't seek that freedom eventually.
She'd see him just one more time, then she'd go back to the cliff. That's what she told herself before meeting him for dinner.
After that dinner date, he asked her out again. She accepted again.
Just one more time. Then the cliff. She kept thinking that when he asked her out. Just one more time.
After a week, she wasn't thinking it anymore. She wanted much more than one more date with him, enough that she started asking to see him again, too.
Three weeks passed since that day on the cliff, and she'd seen Jyushimatsu nearly every day since then. He admitted soon after meeting her, without the slightest hint of shame (or even awareness that anyone would be ashamed), that he was unemployed, so he didn't have a lot of money to spend on dates. Occasionally she'd pay for meals, but more often they spent their time on free activities, generally in the nearby park. She preferred what they could do for free anyway; not only did she get to see that boundless energy of his that she admired so much, but she got to indulge her inner child in the process, playing games she hadn't even considered since middle school. Why had she let herself mature out of things like hide and seek or swing sets? They were still fun in her twenties, weren't they? Jyushimatsu constantly suggested new games for the pair to play, and she almost always accepted, any self-consciousness about going on dates like this at her age soon defeated by just how much fun she had with him.
Almost always. He did once ask her if she wanted to go swimming, either at the beach or in the river. She had to turn that one down. Maybe under normal circumstances, but given recent events, being in water didn't seem like something she was ready to handle emotionally yet. Boat rides were fine, but swimming seemed like too much. Once she rejected it, he actually apologized for suggesting it, and never brought up the possibility of swimming with her again.
The seriousness of his apology made her wonder how much he knew about that day.
After exhausting themselves with an energetic game of tag, Homura and Jyushimatsu settled down in the grass to enjoy the lunches she brought. She couldn't help but notice that he'd calmed down somewhat since she met him. Normally, he'd be practically tipping the bowl of rice and vegetables into his mouth, inhaling the whole thing within seconds. Today, he still ate quickly, but within more normal realms of quick that didn't make her worry that he was going to make himself sick.
"This is so good!" he said. "If you don't wanna be a model anymore, you should be a chef instead!"
It seemed like an exaggerated compliment for such a simple meal, but Jyushimatsu wasn't the type to say anything he didn't mean from the bottom of his heart.
Homura took a bite from her own bowl, then set it down to finish later. She leaned back on her hands and looked up at the picture perfect sky, bright blue with only a few pure white clouds. The sun beat down gently, not too hot, but not too cold. Happy... finally, she felt right using that word. She was happy. Her and her date's clothes were both stained with mud from how often they fell while playing, and any usual sounds of nature such as birds were instead drowned out by the sound of Jyushimatsu gulping down huge mouthfuls of rice, but none of that struck her as downsides. Who cared if this wasn't typical? She was happy. A month ago, she believed she'd never be happy again. Now, she couldn't imagine any other feeling.
...on second thought, maybe she could. Should she tell him about what would be happening soon...?
"I'm really not a model anymore," she admitted. "I quit a few days ago."
It took a lot of fighting, a lot of screaming of phrases that she'd never said before and that would make her parents pale, but she finally reached her breaking point and told that disgusting manager of hers everything she truly thought of him, including refusal to ever participate in any of his movies again. What was he going to do? Force her to do a shoot? Pressure was one thing, but outright forcing her... wouldn't the authorities love to hear about that?
Despite being mixed in with cruel epithets and hopes that she'd starve without his studio, "You're fired!" was the best phrase she'd heard in a very long time.
For about five minutes, until the consequences sank in.
"Really? I'm..." Jyushimatsu started, but seemed unsure how to finish the sentence.
"If you're going to say sorry, don't," Homura said. "I'm better off without that job."
"Oh. Good. Good!" he said. "If it's good that you quit, then good! You did tell me when we met that you weren't having fun there! So why keep doing it?" He let out his usual laugh, then lowered his voice as he did on the rare occasions when he was serious. "You seemed sad when we met. Was that job why you were sad?"
Homura nodded with a small hum.
"Were the people there mean?"
She nodded again. "They... they were very mean."
"Then I'm happy you quit," he said. "No one should be mean to you. They tried to take your smile away... I don't like them. You should be allowed to smile."
Homura fell silent and hugged her knees close to her chest, a sense of melancholy taking over her. Despite quitting, she was still sad, in a way. No job meant no money. She couldn't live on her savings forever, and the idea of employers turning her down because they recognized her face still haunted her. What would happen if she failed to find work before her savings ran dry? Where would she go?
Could she even stand to stay in this city any longer? Even while on dates with Jyushimatsu, walking anywhere near that studio brought her close to panic. She had to get away from this place.
She'd talked to her parents that morning, and she made up her mind. That weekend, she'd use her savings to take a train back home. She didn't tell them everything, just that she'd lost her job and was struggling to find a new one, and they welcomed her back with full sympathy. In mere days, she'd leave Akatsuka Ward behind.
Akatsuka Ward, and Jyushimatsu.
Should she tell him that?
Before she could decide, he interrupted her thoughts. "Hey, Homura! Look over here!"
She turned her head to see him guzzling from a soda can. He strained in concentration, then gushed brown liquid from his head... for about two seconds, before he yelped in pain and brought the stream to a sudden stop.
"Ow, ow, ow!" he called out, but still laughed through the pain. "Okay! No bubbles! That hurt!"
Homura broke down laughing, her worries forgotten. What was it about that gag?! On its surface, it was so silly, and it shouldn't have been so funny after the fiftieth time... but every time she saw it, memories of her first laugh in months came flooding back, along with memories of meeting him.
She'd laugh at it a million times, then laugh at it a million more.
"You're still laughing! It's worth it!" he said. "So, what are you gonna do now? Be a model somewhere else? Or maybe you can be a NEET like me!"
"I don't know yet," she lied.
She couldn't tell him. Not while he smiled like this. If he was so devoted to protecting her smile, then she had to do the same for him.
"Hm... oh, I know!" he said, digging his hand into the pocket of his jumpsuit. He withdrew a cloth, yellow wristband emblazoned with a brown 14. "Here! It's my lucky number! Maybe it'll be lucky for you too! So you can be a model somewhere else, or a chef, or a baseball player, or a NEET, or anything you want!"
"Thank you," she said as she took the wristband. "Are you sure I can have this?"
"Sure! You need it now!"
She rolled up her left sleeve, and the instant she did, Jyushimatsu turned away from her, instead focusing heavily on the grass.
She still had bandages on her arm to cover her cutting scars... did he notice them? He didn't look at her at all as she wrapped the wristband around the bandages, hiding them from view.
No scars, no bandages, no more thinking about the past. This was a new start.
Even if it wasn't a start she entirely wanted to take.
"Jyushimatsu?" she said to alert him that he could look again.
"Look at this!" he said as he turned around. He had his finger extended, and a black, fuzzy caterpillar crawled along it. "Isn't she cute?!"
Homura wasn't repulsed by bugs, but she wouldn't have called them cute, either.
"Very cute!" He didn't need to know she didn't mean the caterpillar when she said that.
"Yeah! The cutest! She's so cute, I should name her Homura!"
Only Jyushimatsu could compare her to a bug and actually make her feel complimented. "I'm honored!"
"Know what else she is?" he asked.
"What?"
He placed the caterpillar between his nose and mouth. "A mustache!" he announced.
"Your mustache is leaving!" Homura said as the caterpillar crawled across his face, before falling backward and laughing again. He fell back and joined her, the beautiful sound of his laughter ringing in her ears.
"Mmm..." She took a happy, relaxed sigh once she could stop laughing. Between the cool autumn air and the exhaustion from their earlier games, she found herself growing tired. "I think I want to take a nap here."
"Yeah. Naps are nice," Jyushimatsu agreed. "Especially naps in the grass."
Homura rolled over on her side and wrapped her arms around Jyushimatsu's arm. He gasped as he tensed in her grip. "Are you all right?"
"I... you..." he stammered, before trailing off into a mumble. "...girls are warm..."
Homura giggled. He was pretty warm, too. Perfect for cuddling up to and resting with for a while. Thanks to him, human contact finally felt comforting again.
No way could she break his heart by telling him she was leaving him. Not right now.
Her final date with Jyushimatsu could have gone better.
Not because of anything he did; as usual, he put everything he had into spending time with her. This time even had more effort put into it, since he showed up in an actual suit instead of a jumpsuit or a sweatshirt. But nothing he could have done would have stopped the pouring rain that interrupted their desserts at their usual shop. They ducked into a mall then, hoping the rain would stop, but after they explored every single store without the rain letting up, they gave up, bought umbrellas, and went back out. They couldn't play their usual games; all they could do was walk and talk.
She did enjoy talking to him. He had lots of stories to tell about things he'd done with his brothers, and while she doubted the truth of a lot of them, he was still fascinating to listen to. She shared her own stories of her life in the country, and he always listened to them intently. He tried his best to make today work out.
But not only could he not stop the rain, he couldn't stop what she had to do after they parted ways.
They paused on the bridge for a moment to take a break and watch the raindrops make ripples in the river below. He'd stopped talking rather suddenly, and she couldn't imagine what he was thinking at that moment. All she knew was what she was thinking. If she was going to tell him she was leaving, it had to be now. She'd put it off for far too long.
But did she have to? What if she just disappeared without telling him at all? It sounded so cruel, leaving him to wonder where she went... but deep down, within her selfishness, she didn't want to see him cry. She didn't want to make him cry.
But it didn't seem like she had a choice. What on Earth could she do to avoid hurting him?
"Jyu-" she started, but he interrupted with his own announcement.
"I have something to tell you!" he shouted over the rain.
"What is it?" she asked, facing him. There was that serious expression again. She never knew what to expect from that.
"I..." he started, then paused to clear his throat. "I..." He closed his eyes and shouted with all his might. "I love you, and I want to be your boyfriend!"
Homura gasped at his proclamation. Damn it, why today?! Why now?!
"Jyushimatsu..." she said. "You're a really funny guy, and... I love you too..."
His mouth widened into a smile. Damn it.
"But..."
"But...?" he repeated, the corners of his mouth twitching, but not dropping yet.
"I can't. After today, you won't see me again... I'm sorry I didn't tell you before now..."
"I... won't?" he said. "But why...?"
"I can't stay in Akatsuka Ward anymore... I'm moving back to the country to be with my parents."
His smile finally faded, and the hand that clutched his umbrella trembled. "Are you sure? You can't stay? Not even for a little bit?" She'd never heard his voice on the verge of tears before, and holy shit, she'd go back to that cliff and jump in an instant if it meant never having to hear that sound again. She felt like a monster for doing this to him.
Could she really not stay with him? They could be happy together, they could spend every day together just like this, they wouldn't have to worry about anything again... he loved her, and she loved him...
But love couldn't pay the rent. Love couldn't buy groceries. And no matter how much he helped, in the end, love couldn't fully repair the damage that this town did to her.
She wanted to stay with him. How she wanted to stay with him. If anything could keep her here, it was him.
Which only served as further proof that she had to get out of that place, if even thoughts of him didn't convince her to stay.
"I can't stay. My train home leaves tonight... I really need to be on that train."
"You're really sure?"
"I'm really sure, Jyushimatsu. Thank you for everything, but I need to go."
"If you really have to, then... that's okay... I understand..." Even as he said that, silent tears began to run down his cheeks, and he trembled so hard that she expected the umbrella to slip out of his hands.
"I'm so sorry!" she cried out before turning around and running away. She couldn't bear to see or hear him like this for another second. Especially not when it was her fault.
She couldn't hold her umbrella straight as she ran, leading her to get soaked in rain that only seemed to grow stronger by the second, with thunder clapping menacingly behind her.
No matter how heavily it came down, she knew the water running down her face wasn't rain.
Homura didn't own a lot; her possessions were sparse enough to fit inside her purse and a single rolling suitcase. It depressed her to realize just how little she had after all that time trying to establish her independence, but at least it made moving simpler if she didn't have to wrestle with multiple large bags.
She'd take anything that would make this move simpler. Emotionally, "simple" was the last word she'd use to describe this.
It made packing easy, too, which was a very welcome fact when she could barely focus on anything through her tears. Her time spent back at her apartment after running from Jyushimatsu consisted of about five percent packing and ninety-five percent sobbing.
Was it too late? Couldn't she turn back now? She already gave up the apartment, but she could find a new one, work hard to find another job that still wanted a broken thing like her, build herself up again... find Jyushimatsu, apologize for this, accept his confession and be with him again...
...have to walk past that foul studio every day for the rest of her life...
She knew staying would be a mistake, but a small voice in the back of her head insisted that she should make it anyway.
But the choice was out of her hands. She'd already paid for her train ticket, and didn't have much money left. Unless she wanted to live on a park bench, she had to get on this train.
If only she could have said goodbye to him properly... did he really want his last memory of her to be of her back as she ran away from him?
As she stepped past the doorway of the train, rapid footsteps echoed on the platform behind her. She turned expecting to see someone rushing to make the train, or maybe someone telling her she dropped something.
She didn't expect to see Jyushimatsu standing there. Even more out of place than seeing him on the platform to begin with was seeing him hunched over and panting; she was convinced his stamina was endless. He really must have rushed here.
Rushed all that way for her? After what she just did to him?
"Jyushimatsu..." she said, her eyes watering. "I..."
I have to do this.
I'm sorry.
I'll miss you.
I love you.
A million thoughts bustled through her head, but he spoke up before she could voice any of them.
"We'll see each other again!" he insisted, springing to life and taking a fight stance. "Muscle, muscle! Hustle, hustle!"
She covered her mouth to prevent herself from sobbing as he continued his chant, though that didn't prevent the tears from pouring out. He still came to say goodbye? He wasn't mad at her?
Memories of dates, filled with his antics and light, flooded through her mind. Could she truly leave all that behind?
No, no, no! Of course she had to! His love couldn't save her!
Damn it, why couldn't it?! Why couldn't this be simple?! Why couldn't she just stay?! Forget everything she went through and just stay?!
"Don't cry!" he said, looking on the verge of tears himself. "4, 6, 3, get you!" He made his usual baseball poses as he chanted, the ones that often made her laugh in the park.
It didn't work this time. She wanted so badly to laugh, but the reminder that she'd never see this again held her back.
Despite the visible panic on his face, he continued on with his antics, searching for that magic bullet. He pulled a beer bottle out of his suit jacket, took a swig, then did the trick that always worked, spraying beer out of his head. He didn't even react in pain like when he tried it with the soda before; his focus was clearly not on himself.
For the first time, she didn't laugh at that one. She physically couldn't. What she thought would be a laugh instead turned into a harsh, vocal sob.
He tried piling it on, adding nonsensical poses to the attempt, but her sobs were the last thing he heard from her before the train door closed. He stopped his tricks just long enough to panic again before the train pulled away.
Was that it? Was his distress really going to be the last thing she saw of him after all?
Instead, he put his stamina to use once more, actually managing to run fast enough to keep up with the train as it pulled out of the station. He even managed to keep pulling stunts as he ran, making faces and poses and jumping around as if his life depended on it.
It wasn't working, it wasn't working! Why did she have to leave this?! Why would she never get to see this again?!
"We'll see each other again!"
His voice echoed in her head. Did he mean it? How did he know?
But how could she know she wouldn't?
Maybe this wasn't over... maybe she just needed some distance. What if she could come back someday? Her memories of Akatsuka Ward before meeting Jyushimatsu would never be pleasant, but what if time really could negate their impact?
She'd need time... and she couldn't ask him to wait for her, especially not when she didn't know how long this would take...
But what if she did? What if they could pick back up where they left off? They'd meet again, and they'd play again, and she could meet the brothers he always spoke so fondly of...
She could hear "I love you" again...
That thought, accompanied by the sight of Jyushimatsu trying the spray trick again, finally broke down the barrier, and Homura laughed.
It was a weak laugh, still stained by her tears, coming from a throat raw with all the sobbing she did that night.
But her smile still got to be the last thing she showed him before the train barreled out of sight.
As Jyushimatsu faded away from her, so did her smile, leaving her to cry among the crowd of indifferent passengers who neither seemed to notice nor care about anything that just happened around them. She couldn't go back... not now, but maybe someday, she could go back.
She rubbed her fingers over the wristband he gave her. Maybe with some luck, when she did go back, he'd still be waiting for her.
She remembered one of their first conversations.
"If I don't see you again after you say I will, I might worry. Please promise I'll see you again?"
"You'll see me again. I promise."
She promised.
She'd do everything in her power to keep that promise. He'd worry if she didn't.