Between the Raindrops.
I almost died again today. Almost. I almost came so close to death as i did so many times since I got here, but like all the other times, he saved me. He always saved me, he was always there, even when I think he isn't, even when I don't want him to be there, he's still there. I've tried everything, I've tried the cold shoulder, but it didn't work, no matter what I did, no matter what I said, he was still there.
"Gabby... are you okay?" I heard his sweet voice ask from behind me. I wanted to let him in, I wanted to so bad; I wanted to turn around and run into his warm and secure safe arms and stay there forever, but I had to leave soon, I had to go back home. If I were to give him my heart and him me, we'd just be left broken, he knows that, but he still stays there. Right next to me; protecting me. I've considered staying here, but my mind always kept going to my family i'd leave behind; what kind of person if i just stayed? Leaving my family to think I'm dead, how would they feel? How would my parents take it? Or my sister or brother or my granny?
All day I was thinking about this decision, walking around in circles, looking at the beautiful site of Erebor; savoring the last moments i'd spend here. Even though this whole quest was dangerous. I can't help but feel like I belonged here. I feel happy here, content. Being at home, I just couldn't live the life I was given there, I wasn't happy at home, I know it's an awful thing to say but, that's just how I feel. I love my family, I love being with them, but, every time I almost consider staying here, I'd feel sickness at the pit of my stomach and guilt starts to kick in, like I'm being selfish, then I start to think about what Fili said, "Gabby... Just stop, don't think about Kili, or your family, or anybody else. Think about what you want, Think about the place you'll be happy in, because this isn't about them; This is about you, and you decision in the life you want." His words kept replaying in my head, but it's like the guilt wins all the time and I'm back to square one.
"You're always saving me." I whispered to him, while looking at the beautiful scenery of Erebor. I was crying and shaking uncontrollably from almost getting attacked by a warg, and almost getting my face bit off, But Kili saved me, of course he did, the warg was walking towards me, growling, he was just about to charge at me, I fell to the ground, I couldn't move, I just stared at him, waiting for him to charge, I was so scared, I couldn't move, then he finally charged, but three arrows went right through his huge head, and he fell right to the ground, just then Kili came running to me, picked me off the ground and said "Fight!"
"It's my job." he replied, I shook my head, wiped the tears and turned around to look at him. "That's not it, Kili, you're not always saving me, cause Thorin put you in charge of me! You and I both know that!" I said through my teeth. He stared at me with shocked eyes from my sudden outburst. "Are you mad at me?" I let out a chuckle with no humor behind it. He sighs loudly "You know, a simple thank you would suffice, Gabby, and yes, I saved you. What did you expect me to do? stand back and watch you die before my eyes? I'd rather of killed myself." I turned back around and ran my fingers through my hair, letting the tears fall, not having the strenght to hold them in anymore, I couldn't think, but then again, I could never think when he was around me.
"There's something else on your mind, that's troubling you? what is it?" I heard him ask, he knew me, better than I knew myself; better than anybody I know. I stared at the sky, the sun was going down, I kept taking deep breaths trying to calm myself down, and then I turned around and stared at him, even though he was covered in dirt, sweat and blood, he still looked beautiful, he still made my heart ache, he makes me feel something, i've never felt in my entire life, and that scares me. I was scared to leave him, it didn't matter that we stayed away from eachother, that feeling will never go away, it will always be there, and i'm afraid of that, I fell for him, I fell so hard, that I can't stop thinking about him, and how nervous he makes me, or how happy he makes me, and how safe I feel with him, and in the that moment, I think I finally made up my mind.
"You're always there." I said staring at the ground, I couldn't look at him, everytime I looked at him, I'd want to cry, and I couldn't right now, so I stared at the ground "What?" he asks, "You're always there, even when I don't want you there." I said softly, he just looked at me with livid eyes. "Is that why your mad at me? cause i'm always there? Well... Gabby... just say the words, and I'll leave you alone." There was a long pause between us after he said that, then I started to cry again, biting my lip, and shaking my head. I took a deep breathe and let it out, and finally looking at him, our eyes locked.
"I love you." I whispered to him, and I stood there balling my eyes out.
Just then I felt a piercing sharp pain in my back, Kili stared at me in shock "Gabby!" he said, I started gasping for air, and feel to my knees, then Kili came forward right away and caught me. I got shot with an arrow by a orc. I was breathing fast and gasping for more air, Kili was holding me "No-no-no, Gabby!" I heard his scream, but it was like an echo, like he was far away, but I felt him holding me, "No! Gabby! stay with me! please! I'm gonna make you better, but you gotta stay with me!" then I heard more people around me. Gandalf, Thorin, Fili, Tina, and Bilbo.
"I love you! I love you! please don't leave me!" I opened my eyes for a second and saw them one last time, I started crying when I heard Kili say he loved me too. I tried to say something but I couldn't talk, just then their voices were really far away, and my vision got dark.