Title: Our future plans

Plot: Owen and Amelia have an honest conversation about why she's so scared to have children.

Don't make your fear of what could happen, make nothing happen..

-Unknown

Her day was light for the first time in weeks so today was the perfect day to ask her about it. He just wanted her to explain it, why she changed her mind about having children. She had been so set on wanting children in past discussions and now she didn't.

He walks into the attending's lounge and notices Amelia was standing at the coffee pot, making herself a cup.

He closes the door behind him and takes a deep breath. "Amelia, can we talk?" He asks. Amelia looks behind herself and notices Owen was standing in front of the door.

She takes a deep breath, "Um, sure," she says. She knew exactly what this was about but she didn't know if she was ready to have this conversation.

Owen nods his head and locks the door behind him. He walks over to the lounge and Amelia follows him with her coffee. As they sit down Amelia places her coffee cup on the table in front of them and they turn to look at each other.

"What's going on?" She asks cautiously.

"I want to have children and you did too, but now you don't. What changed Amelia?" He asks.

Amelia shakes her head, "you don't know the full story Owen, you don't," she replies.

"Okay, so tell it to me. I can't help you if I don't know what's going on," he replies. He places a hand on Amelia's knee and she briefly looks down at it before looking back up at Owen. The words that were going to come out weren't going to be spoken easily. They weren't going to just fly out like she wanted them to. It was going to be hard to tell Owen the entire story because it involved going back... Back to the beginning.

"You need to promise not to judge me. I know that the choices that I've made in the past haven't been great ones and I wear that. I don't need you to lecture me about it too," Amelia says.

"Okay," Owen says as he nods his head. He just wanted Amelia to open up to him more then anything else.

"I'm an alcoholic. And I used to do oxy. I fell in love... I thought, with an addict... Ryan," she begins.

"Mm," Owen says as Amelia takes a deep breath. He knew aspects of this story, however something told him that Amelia was going to go into a lot more detail this time.

"I don't know why I said 'I thought.' I mean I do... It's because I'm not sure anymore if I was actually in love with him, but to say that I wasn't feels cold, because he's gone and I'm not," Amelia says. She quickly glances at the floor before looking back over at Owen. What she was saying was hard for him to hear, she was sure of it. "I woke up from this amazing high to find him dead. He had overdosed on Oxy because I convinced him to have one more round," she says. She looks down at the floor.

"Amelia, it is not your fault that he died. You may have told him to have one more round but he's the one who took it. You can't blame yourself for Ryan dying. That's not fair," Owen explains. She looks up at him.

"It didn't feel fair when I found out I was pregnant. This baby... our baby helped me stay clean. Maybe it would've gotten him clean and we could've... I don't know about being in love with him because that time in my life... the drugs... I lived it, but it doesn't feel like my life," Amelia explains.

"You loved him. It's not fair that he died," Owen says.

"We were sober together for, like, five minutes. I don't know if I loved him... Certainly not the way I love you," she says.

"If it felt like love, then it was," Owen says as he looks at Amelia directly in the eyes. His words were comforting and they wore a striking resemblance to what James had told her years ago.

"My baby helped me to stay clean and gave me a shot at life. But when you have a baby you don't always get what you want. It might be wonderful... It might be painful and it might be both. I was dealt a shit card. My baby didn't have a shot at life even before it was born. My beautiful baby boy was anencephalic. I'm a freaking neurosurgeon and my baby didn't have a brain. How ironic is that?" She asks with a hint of hatred in her voice. Owen Places his hand on her shoulder.

"Amelia..." He begins before she cuts him off.

"He lived for, um, 43 minutes. And I held him, I got to hold him and I got to love him and it was the most amazing feeling in the entire world. I was on a high but it wasn't from drugs. I was high on my love for him," Amelia smiles through the tears. Amelia pulls out her phone and pulls up a picture for Owen. He had never seen a photos of her baby before.

"He looks so beautiful Amelia," Owen smiles as he looks at the photo of Amelia holding her baby boy.

"He was beautiful. He was the most beautiful baby that I'd ever seen... I was in love with him and I wanted to spend every waking moment of my existence by his side. And then when it was time to give him to the transplant team... When he was dying in my arms I felt lower then I'd ever felt before. It killed me to have to say goodbye to him. It wasn't fair and it's still not fair that I don't get to hold him everyday and tell him how much I love him. He was my baby.. He was the reason I stayed clean and when I had to let him go I almost died... I lost a part of me that I'll never get back," Amelia says crying.

Owen pulls Amelia In for a hug. She rests her head against his shoulder and sniffles. "Shh, shh," Owen says comforting her. It pained him to see Amelia this upset and now that he knew the whole story he could see why Amelia was so reluctant to want to have kids.

"Did anyone know what you were going through. Derek? Meredith? Your mother?" Owen asks. More then anything he wanted to know that Amelia was supported through all of this.

"My life had turned into a horror show and all I could do was stand back and watch it play out. My baby had no brain. No brain. I'm a damn neurosurgeon and my baby had no brain. I was a mess and It was Owen, it was a freaking horror show. I didn't need anybody else to be watching it too," she explains.

"Please tell me you had support from your friends down there. From Addison at least," Owen says hopeful.

"Somewhat. I shut them out and I just kept pushing and pushing them away. I've never been good with bad news, you know that. And this was no exception. But Addison, she was persistent and as much as I kept pushing her away she kept pushing back at me and she helped me through labour. I was very lucky to have her," Amelia replies.

"How old would he be?" Owen asks curiously.

"He'd be four years old," Amelia smiles.

"Did you give him a name?" Owen asks. This was a significant part of her past.. Of her story and trauma. He didn't want to refer to the baby as 'the baby.' That just felt so cold and heartless. Amelia was his wife and this baby was her son. In was that made Owen his step father, even though he was no longer on this earth.

Amelia shakes her head and bites the corner of her lip, "I couldn't bring myself to do it, give him an identity only for it to be ripped away from him. But I call him my unicorn baby and right now he's out there and he's making a difference and spreading his magic around. He saved so may little lives and I think that's the thing that gets me through. Knowing that his life wasn't a waste, you know?" Amelia questions.

"You need to keep dreaming that Amelia because I have no doubt that that is what your baby boy is doing right now. What you did was brave... So, so, so very brave. Not many people could do what you did, let alone go through what you went through and still come out alive. You stayed clean, you didn't turn back to drugs. He saved many, many, lives and you should be proud of the both of you. I know I am," Owen says. Amelia takes her head off his shoulder and looks up at him with a smile. It warmed her heart to hear that.. To hear that somebody else was proud of her after so many people in her life weren't. Her mother wasn't, she didn't even come to the wedding.

"Owen, you don't know how happy that makes me feel," She smiles. "And I'm sorry that I didn't tell you the full story sooner. It's just so painful to talk about because every time I do I relive it," Amelia replies. She looks at him with a smile.

"We talked about having children and we both were on board. But then you thought you were pregnant and when you weren't something changed. What happened? What was running through your head?" Owen asks sympathetically.

"On the day I thought I was pregnant I spent spent that entire day thinking 'what if it happens again? What if I have another brainless baby?' 'What if my baby doesn't make it?' I can't go through a loss like that again, it almost killed me last time. And I know the chances scientifically speaking are not there. The likelihood of this occurring again is virtually impossible. But statistics can be wrong all the time. We prove them wrong on a daily basis. The statistics tell me that something is inoperable, but I prove the numbers wrong time and time again. What if I prove this one wrong? Because if this happens to be again I will die," Amelia replies. She takes a deep breath in.

"You don't have to get pregnant Amelia. There are other options... Adoption. I don't need a biological child, I just want to raise a child with you. I see you with Meredith's kids and you're amazing and any child, biological or not, would be so lucky to have you as a mother," Owen says with a smile.

"Do you really think that? That a child would be lucky to have me as its mum?" Amelia asks curiously.

"I don't just think that Amelia, I know that because I've seen it. I've watched you and I'm sure that Meredith would agree with me. Stop letting your past define you Amelia. You do not do drugs... You are not that person anymore. You are so incredibly freaking strong," he replies.

Amelia gives a smile. She knew that Owen was right. She would make an amazing mother. She just had to believe in herself more. Like everybody else in this world she had a past, and it was time for her to stop it from defining her future.

"Okay, let's do this. Let's adopt a baby," she smiles. Owen smiles back at her and they begin to kiss passionately.

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.

- Elizabeth Stone