How Can I Help You Say Goodbye
Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis, obviously because if I did it would still be on the air, but instead it is owned by the morons at MGM who allowed Sci-Fi to doom it. That being said I am gaining no money from this, just the entertainment of keeping the characters alive!
It was a quiet, dreary day in the great city of Atlantis, nestled deep in the Pegasus Galaxy. There was a feeling of heavy sadness blanketing the normal flurry of activity in the vast hallways. In fact, the lights in the corridors seemed to be dimmer than normal, as if the city too was mourning the loss of one of her most beloved residents.
It hadn't yet been 24 hours since the team of pallbearers had returned from their mission to return the body of Dr. Carson Beckett to his native Scotland and yet to everyone involved it seemed like many weeks had passed.
Walking silently through one of the east passages, Dr. Radek Zelenka headed to the science lab to try to catch up on some paperwork that he had left to the wayside in light of the current tragedy. As he entered the lab, Radek reflexively placed his hand on the panel beside the door to turn on the lights. When the lights activated illuminating the room in a dim glow, however, Radek was surprised to find Dr. Rodney McKay sitting in front of his deactivated computer, staring at the darkened display. As Radek moved closer and McKay glanced up to acknowledge his presence, Zelenka noticed that there were unshed tears shimmering in his friend's blue eyes.
"What were you doing here in the dark, Rodney?" Radek asked, concerned.
"I just came here because I needed to get my report ready for Elizabeth and its quiet."
"Your computer isn't even turned on."
"I guess I didn't notice that. To tell you the truth, Radek, I really just needed to be alone and that's why I was sitting in the dark." Rodney said sadly, his voice cracking as he turned away from his friend.
"Rodney, are you okay? If you want to talk about it..." Radek began, resting a hand on Rodney's shoulder.
"No. Thanks anyway, Radek. I appreciate the thought but I can't talk about this right now. It's just too painful. I'm just gonna go for a walk and let you do whatever you needed to do. I'll see you later." Rodney said quickly, turning and retreating from the lab in a hurry.
After he had left Radek back in the lab, Rodney hurried through the corridors toward the control room in the main tower. He knew that there was one person that he could talk to who knew exactly what he was going through but in order to talk to this person he had to get to the Stargate.
Once McKay reached the control room he was relieved to find it empty. Stepping over to the dialing control, he punched in a gate address and transmitted his code through the wormhole. With this done, Rodney hurried down the stairs to the gate room and disappeared through the event horizon as the Stargate deactivated behind him.
At that very moment at Stargate Command back on Earth, Colonel Samantha Carter was heading down from a briefing when she heard the gate alarm blaring. She was temporarily in command while General Landry was in Washington so she hurried into the control room.
"What've you got, Walter?" Sam asked as she approached.
"An IDC just came through, Colonel. It's Dr. McKay's iris code." Sergeant Walter Harriman confirmed with surprise.
"Open the iris." Sam ordered as she hurried down into the gate room.
As soon as Sam entered the gate room, the Stargate exploded to life and Rodney materialized through the wormhole, looking very distressed and more subdued than she had ever seen him which really concerned her.
"Sam! Thank God you're back on Earth. I was afraid you might still be off world."
"Rodney, what's the matter? What are you doing here?" Sam asked, going to McKay and resting her hands on his arms.
"I really need to talk to you." Rodney said in a voice that sounded like he might dissolve into tears at any moment.
"Okay. Let's go to one of the VIP rooms where we can talk privately. Come on."
When she had led Rodney to the VIP room, Sam watched as he walked over and sat heavily on the bed with his head bowed. She followed him into the room and closed the door behind them before going to sit in a chair next to the bed, moving it to face McKay and placing her hands on his.
"Rodney, will you please tell me what's going on? This isn't like you at all and it's concerning me."
"I came to talk to you because something terrible happened and as bad as this is going to sound, you're the only one who knows what I'm going through."
"What happened? I just came back from a mission last night."
"Well there was a freak accident back on Atlantis a few days ago that was caused by a device we were cataloging. The radiation emitted by the device caused explosive tumors to form in two of my assistants. One of the tumors detonated and destroyed a large portion of the hallway in one of the towers. While he was tending to the wounded, Carson brought in the man who had the other tumor. When I told him what was going on he insisted on removing the thing. He was able to get it out and handed to an ordinance man but time ran out and the thing detonated in the hallway. The thing was that Carson was still in the hallway at the time. By the time we got to him it was too late. Carson didn't survive." Rodney explained, swallowing hard to fight back the tears stinging his eyes.
"Oh my God. I had no idea. Rodney, I am so sorry."
"The thing that hurts the most is that Carson would still be alive if it weren't for me."
"What are you talking about?" Sam asked, shocked.
"It was my responsibility to catalog that lab but instead I got two assistants to do it who weren't experienced enough. On top of that I'm the reason that Carson was even in the city that day. We were supposed to have gone fishing on the mainland that day but I decided that I didn't want to go and because I blew him off, Carson ended up covering someone's shift in the infirmary. If I had just gone with him, Carson would still be alive. My God, Sam. My best friend is dead and it's all my fault." Rodney admitted as a tear slid down his face.
When Sam saw this she moved to sit next to Rodney on the bed and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. That small bit of contact was all it took for the floodgates to open and Rodney to let his grief come pouring out. As Sam reached out to embrace him, McKay leaned readily into her arms and wept openly against her shoulder, his heart breaking.
"I'm here, Rodney, and I do know what you're going through. I know how much it hurts. Just let it out. It's okay to cry. You don't have to go through this alone." Sam whispered, stroking Rodney's back comfortingly as the sound of his distraught sobs tore at her heart.
Sam stayed with Rodney like this for over an hour, comforting him and letting him cry until he simply had no tears left to shed. When he had given sufficient vent to his grief, Rodney spoke again.
"Thank you, Sam."
"Its okay, Rodney. I know what you're dealing with. I understand that you've been trying not to face it because when Janet was killed I did the same thing. I avoided talking about it because it hurt so much. You needed to talk about what happened. I'm glad that I was here and that you felt you could talk to me." Sam began, noticing the scientist's weary expression and the dark circles of fatigue under his eyes. "Rodney, are you feeling okay? I mean physically. You look absolutely exhausted. When was the last time you slept?"
"I am pretty beat. I feel really drained to tell you the truth. I haven't been able to sleep since we lost Carson because every time I close my eyes I see his body lying in the charred hallway and his lifeless eyes looking up at us. It's just too much."
"Rodney, you can't keep going like this. You have to get some sleep."
"I can't. I just can't deal with the nightmares right now. I know if I sleep I'll relive that day and I can't handle it." Rodney sighed in desperation.
"I understand. But you need to rest. How about this idea. What if I call down to our infirmary and have Dr. Lam bring you a sedative. I know you would have a hard time going down there so she can come to you. A sedative will put you out so you can get the rest you need without having to contend with the nightmares."
"I guess that'd be okay. I am pretty tired. It's getting really hard to concentrate."
"Okay. I'll call down to the infirmary and get Dr. Lam up here." Sam whispered, crossing to the telephone hanging on the wall by the door.
A few minutes later, the two heard a soft knock on the door and Dr. Lam walked in with a syringe containing a sedative. She pushed up the sleeve of McKay's shirt and injected the sedative into his muscle.
"There you go. You should start to feel the effects of the medication in a few minutes. I gave you a pretty strong sedative so it should make you sleep for several hours. I'm going to go now and let you settle. Let me know if there's anything else I can do." Lam said as Rodney nodded tiredly before she left the room.
"Rodney, I'm going to go for now and let you rest. I'll come check on you later." Sam began but as she tried to stand up from where she had been sitting on the bed she felt Rodney catch her arm.
"Sam, would you mind to stay with me for a little longer? I mean, at least until the sedative knocks me out. I don't really want to be alone with my thoughts until I drift off." Rodney asked, beginning to feel the sedative's effects as he started to relax and he yawned quietly.
"Of course I'll stay with you until you fall asleep. I won't leave you alone right now. Come here." Sam agreed, pulling Rodney against her so his weight was shifted onto her shoulder. "Just close your eyes and let yourself drift."
As Rodney rested against Sam, he began to feel the pull of the sedative even more strongly and it was becoming harder for him to hold his eyes open. He was growing increasingly drowsy every minute and this was compounded by the fact that Sam was rubbing his back in a gentle manner that Rodney found very soothing and relaxing. A few minutes later, the medication he had been given took its full effect and Rodney's head began to nod, finally falling to rest against Sam's shoulder, and he let his heavy eyes flutter closed as he dropped into a deep, dreamless slumber.
Sam shifted slightly to look on McKay when she felt him completely relax under her gentle touch. She smiled when she heard the deep steady rhythm of his breathing that indicated that he had finally succumbed to the rest that he desperately needed. Once she confirmed that Rodney was out, Sam lay him down on the soft bed, careful not to disturb him, and covered him with a blanket. Then she slipped quietly from the room, dimming the light as she did so, and headed for the control room to send a message.
Sam walked into the control room and as she did she noticed Harriman looking at her curiously. She approached the gate technician and gave him a small smile.
"Excuse me, ma'am, but if I may ask what was that about?"
"It's nothing to worry about Walter. Rodney's just having a tough time and needed someone who understands to talk him through it. I need you to dial Atlantis for me. I'm going to let them know where Rodney is." Sam said gently.
"Yes ma'am." Harriman nodded respectfully as he dialed Atlantis and the gate exploded to life. "You're clear to transmit, Colonel."
Back in Atlantis, Dr. Elizabeth Weir was searching the city for Rodney to see how he was holding up. She was becoming concerned when he was nowhere to be found. As she climbed the stairs to the control room, she was met by Radek and Colonel John Sheppard engaged in a hurried conversation.
"John, have you or Radek seen Rodney lately?" Elizabeth asked, interrupting the two as she met them at the top of the stairs.
"That's what Radek and I were just talking about. He saw him in the lab this morning and he left to go for a walk, but no one has seen him since then." Sheppard remarked.
"I didn't think that Rodney would disappear. If I did, I would not have let him go off on his own." Radek apologized.
"Its okay, Radek. We just need to find him."
"Excuse me, Dr. Weir. There is a communication from Stargate Command."
"Thank you. Run it through the speakers please.
"Atlantis, this is Stargate Command, please respond." Sam's voice came clearly through the speakers.
"Stargate Command, this is Weir. What can we do for you?" Weir replied.
"There's actually something I can do for you. I wanted to let you know that Rodney's here on Earth. If you'll come through, I promise I'll explain everything."
"Thank you, Colonel. We'll be en route in about five minutes." Weir confirmed, casting a puzzled look with John and Radek as the gate shut down. The trio then hurried to the gate room to prepare to travel to Earth to retrieve their wayward friend.
When the three travelers from Atlantis came through the Stargate into the SGC gate room, Sam was there waiting for them as they came down the ramp.
"Dr. Weir, welcome back to Earth."
"Thank you. Can you please tell me what is going on with Rodney showing up here? Where is Rodney anyway?" Weir asked, confused and concerned.
"Of course. I'll explain everything if you'll follow me to the briefing room. Rodney's resting in one of our VIP rooms." Sam explained.
"I will go and stay with Rodney while you are talking with Colonel Carter." Radek volunteered.
"That's a good idea." Sheppard agreed.
"I think so too. Airman, can you please show Dr. Zelenka to the VIP room where Dr. McKay is resting?" Sam requested, hailing an SF who happened to be walking by.
"Yes ma'am." The airman replied respectfully, leading Radek down the corridor as the other two followed Sam up the spiral staircase to the briefing room.
When Radek stepped into the VIP room, he saw Rodney sleeping on the bed a few feet away. Crossing the room to his friend, Radek sat quietly in the reclining chair next to the bed.
"I wish that there was something that I could do to help you, my friend." Radek sighed quietly as he pulled the blanket higher on Rodney's shoulder before settling into a more comfortable position in the chair and propping his feet up.
After a few minutes, listening to the steady rhythm of Rodney's deep breathing began to have a hypnotic, lulling effect on Radek and he was soon fighting to keep his eyelids from drooping. This was a fight he quickly lost, however, as Radek's own fatigue soon caught up to him. His head dropped forward onto his chest and his eyes slid closed as he followed Rodney's lead, drifting into a light doze.
Back in the briefing room, Sam was explaining to John and Elizabeth the reason that Rodney had come to Earth.
"I was pretty surprised when Rodney came through the gate but once I saw the distraught look on his face I knew right away that something must have been pretty seriously wrong. We went to the VIP room so we could talk in private and Rodney told me everything that happened. He said that he knew I've been through something similar and I was someone that he could talk to. When he told me that he felt responsible for Dr. Beckett's death he broke down and cried in my arms. It tore at my heart to see him like that because I do know from personal experience how much he's hurting. Once he had finally quieted, I noticed then how exhausted he looked and he admitted that he hadn't slept since the day that happened because of the bad nightmares he knew he'd have. So I talked him into letting Dr. Lam give him a sedative. Once he succumbed and nodded off on my shoulder, I got him settled before I sent you the message. I had a feeling that you didn't know he was here."
"We didn't. Actually we were trying to figure out where he'd gone when your message came through." Sheppard said.
"Can you please show us where Rodney is so that we can go check on him?" Weir asked.
"Sure. But I know that the sedative that Dr. Lam gave him was pretty strong so he'll probably be out all night. I'll set you guys up in the other two VIP rooms for tonight and we can have Daedalus pick you up in the morning." Sam said as she led the two down the hallway to where she had left Rodney.
Once Sam had left them to set up a place for the three to stay, John and Elizabeth walked quietly into the room and looked at each other in the dim lighting when they took in the scene before them. Rodney was resting on the bed oblivious to their presence as he continued to sleep very deeply and Radek was dozing fitfully in the recliner. Elizabeth crossed to Radek and gently pushed his shoulders back so that his head fell to rest on the cushioned back of the chair. When Zelenka mumbled softly in his sleep but failed to awaken, she carefully removed his glasses, setting them aside, and covered him with a blanket lying across the chair.
Then Elizabeth stepped over to look down on Rodney resting on the bed, reaching down out of instinct to brush a lock of hair off of his forehead as he slept. It was then that she allowed herself to reflect on the events that had lead them here and also on what Sam had told them when they had arrived. She found herself wishing that there was something that she could do to help ease the pain that had been caused by Carson's death. Tears stung her eyes and just as she was about to lose control, she felt a hand rest on her shoulder.
"Come on. Let's go and get a cup of coffee." John urged, placing his hand on Elizabeth's back as she nodded and the two left the room, leaving the slumbering scientists in peace.
Elizabeth was sitting at one of the commissary tables lost in thought when John returned with a cup of coffee for each of them. He was concerned about her quiet demeanor as she seemed to be very distracted and far away, which was not like her.
"Elizabeth, are you okay? What's on your mind?" John asked, setting the coffee cup down in front of her and placing a hand on top of hers.
"Oh, I'm sorry, John. I was just thinking about everything that's happened. It really bothers me that Rodney thinks Carson's death is his fault. No one was to blame for the accident." Elizabeth began, swallowing hard to maintain her composure. "It hurts to see Rodney so devastated. I just wish that there was something I could do for him."
"I know. This is hard for everyone but I agree that Rodney does seem to be taking this harder. I think the best thing we can do to help him if he insists on shouldering this burden is to simply let him know that we are there for him."
"That's the plan. I guess one thing that we can be thankful for is the knowledge that Rodney is getting some much needed rest. That in itself should help him feel better."
"True. Actually, I was thinking that we might need to avail ourselves to the opportunity to do the same. We'll be headed back home to Atlantis in the morning so we want to rest up."
"I think we should too. I don't know about you but I'm tired. I never noticed before but grief takes a lot out of you." Elizabeth agreed, tossing her cup into the trash bin and heading down to the VIP rooms that they had been assigned to, with John close behind.
It was several hours later when Radek opened his eyes and gazed blearily around the room, looking around the small room for his glasses. Once he had found them and slipped them back on his nose, he looked at Rodney still sleeping soundly on the bed a few feet away and shook his head sadly. Leaning forward, Radek adjusted the blanket over his friend to make sure he was comfortable.
"I wish that I were able to make this situation easier for you, Rodney. If only there were a scientific answer to what we are dealing with but science has no answer for the death of a friend, no matter how much we might wish it did." Radek sighed.
Deciding that it would be best to let Rodney sleep undisturbed, Radek stood up stiffly and, stretching his back out, slipped quietly out of the room and headed to the commissary to get a cup of coffee to wake himself up.
An hour later, Daniel Jackson walked quietly into the commissary having taken a break from a translation that he had been pulling an all nighter on to grab a cup of coffee and a light snack. He preferred the commissary this time of morning because it was quiet, enabling him to lose himself in thought without the ruckus that normally filled the large room during working hours. As he grabbed himself something and headed to sit down, however, he happened to catch a glimpse of someone sitting in the corner of the room alone and apparently intent on studying the table in front of him. Daniel approached the table quietly, searching his memory for the familiar man's name as he did so.
"Radek?" Daniel tried as he reached the table, sighing to himself in relief when Zelenka looked up at him with tired, distracted eyes.
"Yes." Radek began as he looked up and noticed the archaeologist standing before him. "Good morning, Dr. Jackson."
"Please, call me Daniel. Mind if I join you?" Daniel asked cautiously. At Radek's
nod, he eased himself into the empty chair and placed his tray in front of him. "If you don't mind my asking, what brings you to Earth, especially this time of the night? Did someone send for you?"
"Well, you might say that, yes. Colonel Carter sent a message to Atlantis yesterday when Rodney showed up here unexpectedly. We came through to retrieve him."
"What? Rodney's here? I heard that there was an unexpected activation of the gate yesterday afternoon but I didn't really pay much attention to it because SG-1 just came back from a mission the night before and I've been working on some translations ever since. What's Rodney doing here? I get a strange feeling that I'm missing a big piece of the puzzle here. What's going on?" Daniel asked confused, taking a sip of his coffee.
"Rodney came through the Stargate yesterday morning in order to talk to Colonel Carter because he is having a difficult time dealing with a horrible tragedy that occurred on Atlantis recently. The reason that she had to notify us is because that Rodney left Atlantis without telling anyone where he was going."
"There was something bad that happened on Atlantis? Wait a second, I remember hearing that a group gated through from Pegasus about an hour or so before we left to go off world but none of us really had the time to find out what that was about. Whatever it was must have been pretty bad for Rodney to take off and come back to Earth without telling anyone. Granted, I don't really know the man that well but I have had enough contact with him to know that is definitely not like him. Do you mind if I ask what it was that happened? I completely understand if you don't want to talk about it.
"It's okay. I'll tell you. A few days ago we encountered a very strange situation in that a device we were cataloging in one of the labs was found to emit a strange radiation that caused anyone exposed to it to develop explosive tumors. The problem was that we didn't know about it until one of the tumors exploded in the hallway of one of the main towers. The resulting explosion killed not only the scientist infected with the tumor but also killed or injured several other people who were in the vicinity of the blast. In the process of treating the injured, the other scientist who was exposed to this device wound up in our infirmary. Even after we discovered that the tumor was explosive, Carson Beckett, our chief of medicine, insisted on operating to remove the tumor. He was successful in removing the tumor but it was when he had handed the thing off to our explosives team that tragedy struck for a second time. The second tumor detonated before it could be contained and completely incinerated the corridor outside the infirmary. The thing was that Carson was still in the corridor at the time and he was caught in the explosion. Our medical teams did everything they could but unfortunately Carson didn't survive." Radek explained, closing his eyes against the memories as he did so. "Rodney is having a hard time coping because he feels responsible. He believes that there was more he could have done to prevent what happened, though I don't believe that this is true. I wish that there were something I could do to make him realize this fact and it is frustrating that there does not seem to be."
"Oh my God. I mean, I have no idea what to even say. I'm so sorry for all that your team has lost. I only met the man briefly but there was something about him that I liked. Actually hearing what happened strikes a personal chord with me because it's eerily similar to something that happened here a few years back. We were on an off world mission to recover another SG team that was pinned down by enemy fire. There was a man down so Janet Fraiser, our chief of medicine at the time, was assigned to gate through with us. I was with Janet helping her stabilize the wounded airman when she was hit by a staff weapon blast to her chest. I got help for her and we got her back through to SGC as quickly as possible but it was too late. Janet died from her injuries soon after we got her back. Since I was the one that was with her at the time she was hit, I felt responsible for her death and I felt that there was something more that I could have done to have saved her. So I know on a personal level what it is that Rodney's going through. You said that you were looking for something that could help Rodney to cope better and, in that regard, I want to share something with you that someone told me not long after Janet's death. He told me a story about a reporter covering the front lines in one of the wars and when the unit the man was with came under fire, a soldier shoved the reporter on the ground and took a bullet that was aimed at the reporter. Sorry, I'm rambling a bit here. Anyway, the moral of the story was to stress to me that the most important thing to focus on wasn't the tragic way that Janet died, but rather the heroic way that she lived her life every day that she had. That actually helped me a lot towards letting that guilt go and moving on. I have a feeling that, if you share it with him at the right time, it might help Rodney as well.
"Yes, that is a very good point. To be honest about the situation, Carson died heroically as well. He could have evacuated the operating room when we realized that the man on the table in front of him could have exploded at any time but he refused saying that evacuating himself from the area and abandoning the man to die was just as bad as murdering him. When I think about it, if things had gone down differently, Carson would have lived but he wouldn't have been able to live with himself. That is the kind of man that he was. But this doesn't make his death any easier to deal with."
"It won't make it any easier to deal with. The only thing that can do that is time. I know this sounds cliché but as the days and weeks keep going on, the pain does get easier but it never truly goes away. When you lose someone you care about so tragically, you never forget. No matter how much you try. It's been three years since we lost Janet but even now something will happen or a thought will come into my head and it knocks the wind out of me. It's like losing her all over again. You never truly escape things like this, but what you can do is teach yourself to cope." Daniel said quietly, twisting a stirrer stick in his fingers.
"I appreciate your kind words and advice. It has helped put a few things into perspective. It means a lot." Radek said, giving a sad smile which Daniel returned. "I think that I am going to go and take a walk around for a little while. We are probably going to be picked up by the Daedalus soon and I think I'll think some more on what you have just told me. Thank you again for the company and for the opportunity to talk."
"Of course. I'm just glad that I was able to help. Like I said, and I think this is what Rodney was thinking when he came here, sometimes it helps just to hash these things out with someone who has been in your shoes. I didn't have the opportunity when I was dealing with these feelings. I'm grateful that I was able to give it to someone else. I hope you guys have a safe trip back on the Daedalus and if you ever want to talk again in the coming weeks, just send me a message through the gate and we can communicate through that."
"I will keep that in mind. Thanks." Radek nodded gratefully, depositing his empty cup into the garbage bin and heading out of the commissary.
Around 5 AM, Elizabeth got up and went to check on Rodney because she couldn't stop thinking about what Sam had told them regarding his suddenly coming here. When she reached the VIP room where Rodney was resting, she opened the door and slipped inside. In the dim light, Elizabeth noticed that the recliner that Radek had been sitting in was now sitting empty so she lowered herself into it. Taking a glance at Rodney, he appeared to be sleeping restlessly now, his limbs were twitching periodically and a thin layer of sweat was glistening on his forehead. Just then she heard him moaning in his sleep and tossing harshly.
"No!" Rodney cried as he bolted up in the bed, breathing so quickly that he was in danger of hyperventilating, eyes darting rapidly but not taking in his surroundings.
"Rodney, it's okay. You were having a nightmare. You're okay." Elizabeth said quietly, placing her hands on McKay's trembling shoulders to keep him from tumbling to the floor.
The soft words seemed to snap Rodney back to reality and he recognized the room he was in as the same place he had been when he fell asleep. It was then that he realized that he had a pair of gentle hands on his shoulders. He glanced around in confusion and finally met Elizabeth's eyes. Rodney held her gaze for a long moment as he worked to control his breathing.
"Are you feeling better now?"
"Yeah. Elizabeth? What's going on? How did I get back to Atlantis? The last thing I remember was being on Earth." Rodney asked, confused and dazed.
"You aren't in Atlantis, Rodney. Colonel Carter sent a message through the Stargate to let us know that you had showed up here. We had no idea that you had even left. So once we found out you were here, we came through to bring you back home."
"What do you mean 'we'?"
"John and Radek came through the Stargate with me. Colonel Carter is going to hail the Daedalus later this morning to take us back to Pegasus. We were, we are, very concerned about you, Rodney." Elizabeth explained quietly.
"Sorry if I worried you. To be honest I was just so overwhelmed yesterday morning that I couldn't deal with it so I needed to talk to someone who isn't dealing with their own grief but at the same time understands what I'm going through. The only person I know who has dealt with anything close to what happened back in Atlantis is Sam. I didn't want to alarm anyone so I waited until the gate techs were going through the midday shift change and I activated the Stargate to Earth. I guess I didn't think that it would alarm you if you suddenly realized that I was missing." Rodney apologized, fussing with the blanket until Elizabeth placed her hands over his to still them.
"Rodney, you don't need to apologize. Even though I was concerned when I found out you were gone, I understand why you came here. I want you to know that you don't have to deal with this alone. If you ever need to talk, you can come talk to me any time. My door is always open to you. I want you to know that. We're all grieving over Carson's death and we need to get through this together if we're going to get through it."
"I know. As awkward as this sounds it helps a little to know that I'm not in this alone and that I have people around me who are dealing with the same thing that I am. It's going to be hard going back to Atlantis again after this. Just as hard as the last time." Rodney trailed off, his voice catching as Elizabeth took his hand and squeezed it.
"We'll do it together. All of us. We'll deal with that when we come to it. For right now, I think we should try to get something to eat. I know you've got to be hungry." Elizabeth suggested.
"I am hungry. This situation is bad enough, I don't need a hypoglycemic crisis on top of it. I could really use with a cup of coffee too."
In the commissary, Rodney and Elizabeth were sitting at a table at the back of the room talking quietly when John and Radek showed up to join them. It made Rodney feel a little bit better to know that he had his friends there with him. His friends who had cared enough about him to come for him to escort him back to Atlantis.
"So when are we going to get picked up by the Daedalus?" John asked as he took a bite of the cereal that he had grabbed for breakfast.
"We stopped and talked to Colonel Carter before we came up here to eat and she said that the Daedalus will be ready to take us aboard within the hour so after we get done here we need to get back down to the control room so Colonel Caldwell can bring us aboard." Elizabeth said.
"Sounds good. Even though I know it's going to be hard, I'm really looking forward to getting back home." John commented thoughtfully.
"Aren't you going to eat anything, Radek? It might be a little while before we get the chance to get anything else."
"I'm okay. I had a little something to eat earlier this morning. Honestly, I am not that hungry this morning." Radek said honestly, taking a sip from his coffee cup.
"Oh okay. I was just making sure."
"Well if we're gonna be taken aboard the Daedalus soon, I guess we need to get it over with." Rodney said, forcing himself to finish his breakfast and climbing tiredly to his feet.
Elizabeth watched Rodney walk away toward the door and stared after him. She started to go to him and try to talk to him when she felt John reach out and take her arm, stopping her short.
"Just give him some time. I think Rodney will talk to you and open up to you about this but you have to let him do that when he's ready. If you push him he'll just close up even more than he is now.
"You're right. I know I need to give Rodney space to deal but it's really hard to do that. Especially when I look at him and see how deeply he's hurting. I just want to go to him and take his pain away."
"I had someone tell me something when I was eating earlier that I think will help Rodney to begin healing. I know that if I tell him now then he will not accept the comfort and I agree that it is difficult to wait for the proper time." Radek agreed as the three walked from the commissary in Rodney's distant wake.
Once the group had been beamed aboard the Daedalus and were on their way back to the Pegasus Galaxy, they had been shown to their quarters and once she had gotten settled, Elizabeth walked to the bridge to brief with Colonel Caldwell.
"Welcome aboard, Dr. Weir. I wanted to speak with you privately because I haven't had the chance to offer condolences on behalf of myself and my crew to you and your team. I heard about what happened recently. We're very sorry for your loss." Caldwell said solemnly, placing a kind hand on Elizabeth's shoulder.
"Thank you, Colonel. It means a lot to hear that. It's been hard dealing with what happened. That's actually the reason that you had to pick us up. Dr. McKay came to Earth alone and once Colonel Carter made us aware, we came to retrieve him."
"I know how hard it is to lose someone you've worked closely with. Unfortunately I've dealt with my fair share of this in my time in the military. No matter how you try not to, you form some close personal friendships with the people that you work with and that serve under you. Seeing the interactions between all of the people on Atlantis, I know that all of you have a very deep bond. I just want to let you know that if there is anything that I or my crew can do for you during the voyage back to Atlantis, please don't hesitate to let me know."
"I appreciate that. I'll keep that in mind. Right now, though, I would really like to check in with the rest of my people and make sure they're settling in okay. I will let you know if we need anything. The offer is very kind." Elizabeth said sadly, nodding at the Daedalus commander as she took her leave.
Later that evening, once they were well on their way, Elizabeth decided to look in on her people to see how they were settling in. She found Radek helping one of the engineers with a problem of some sort and she spotted John on a run through some of the empty hallways of the ship. Elizabeth had a growing feeling of concern when she couldn't find Rodney anywhere. After looking everywhere that she knew the scientist might be, she decided to check to see if he had returned to his temporary quarters. As she approached the door, Elizabeth placed her hand over the panel beside it to make her presence known. After a moment, the door slid open quietly and Rodney stepped aside to allow her to enter.
"Did you need something?" Rodney asked, his question sounding harsher than he'd intended.
"I just wanted a little bit of company and I thought I'd come to see how you were doing." Elizabeth said honestly, sitting down in a chair.
"I guess I'm okay. I mean, obviously I have a lot of things on my mind right now that I wish I didn't. I try not to think about it so much because it's really hard but it seems like no matter how hard I try, the images of what happened that day keep coming back. I don't know how much more of this I can take."
"Believe me, Rodney, I understand. I know it may seem like it because it always does in times like this, but you aren't going through this pain alone. We all lost someone that we cared a great deal for. It's true that everyone is grieving but you don't need to keep your pain to yourself. It isn't good for you. If you want to talk to me, I meant it when I said that my door is always open to you."
"I know that. It's just that I don't want to bother anyone with my grief. Especially since I'm the reason that Carson died in the first place." Rodney admitted, turning his head quickly.
"Rodney, look at me." Elizabeth stated firmly, grasping Rodney's shoulders and turning him back around to face her. "You aren't responsible for what happened. No one is because it was just an accident. There is no reason to assign blame and there is also absolutely no reason for you to blame yourself. Carson would not want you to feel guilty for what happened. You didn't make him stay in that operating room. If it had been a science problem that needed solved, you would have made the same decision."
"That's the thing, Elizabeth. I don't think I would have had the courage to have stayed in a dangerous situation like that to solve something if my life was on the line. The thing that's destroying me is that if I'd gone to the mainland with Carson that day he wouldn't have had to die like that. So I put him in that situation and that's something that I'm gonna have to try to live with. I don't know how I can keep going like this. Things like this happening is exactly why I try so hard not to get close to people, so that if I have to lose someone it doesn't hurt so much."
As Rodney said this, Elizabeth placed her hands over his and led him over to sit on the long couch in the room. The distraught look in her friend's eyes broke Elizabeth's heart and she wanted to do anything she could to take some of that pain off of Rodney so she placed her arms around him and pulled him into a gentle embrace. Instead of resisting, Rodney rested his head against Elizabeth's shoulder and gratefully accepted the strength that she offered.
"Rodney, you don't have to distance yourself. We care about you and we want to help you heal. I know it seems hard to go on right now and that's understandable. You lost someone you cared about and still do, but you aren't alone. I want to make sure that you understand that. You can lean on all of us whenever you need to."
"I know that I have support and the problem is that I don't feel like I deserve it. I hear you say that what happened isn't my fault and my head believes you, but my heart is telling me something different. That's ironic, isn't it? My heart telling me something. It doesn't make sense that something that's in pieces can tell me anything." Rodney admitted, sounding very vulnerable in his confession. "Listen to me. I normally don't spill my insides in front of other people like this. God, I'm tired. I mean, I'm physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted."
"I know you must be. Last night was the first decent rest you've gotten in over six days. You need to get some more rest before you make yourself sick."
"I can't. The only reason I slept last night is because I had help. It's just too much to deal with. Every time I close my eyes I see what happened all over again. It's like having to relive it all over and over." Rodney protested, the thought of sleeping causing his pulse to race.
"I understand. How about if I sit with you for a while? You might be able to rest if someone is with you that you trust. I promise that if I even think you might be having a nightmare, I'll wake you." Elizabeth promised, relieved when Rodney nodded.
"I guess that would be okay. Maybe if I can get another full night's sleep I'll start to feel better, at least physically better anyway. I can tell that I'm starting to get run down." Rodney agreed as he pushed himself tiredly to his feet, his body trembling with the effort when he did so.
After making sure he could trust his legs to support him, Rodney walked over and sat on the bed. Then he stretched out to rest across it, the give of the mattress under his weight beginning to ease a bit of the tension in his body. At this point Elizabeth came and sat next to him on the bed, placing one of the pillows against her leg so that Rodney could rest his head on it. Once he had gotten as comfortable as he could, she began to run her fingers through Rodney's hair to relax him. It didn't take long for Elizabeth to notice that his eyelids were slowly beginning to droop and she knew that he would soon be asleep. Just then, Rodney forced his eyes open and looked up at her.
"Elizabeth, you aren't going anywhere, are you? I feel secure with you here and as long as I have that, I think I can let go for a while."
"I promise I won't go anywhere. Don't worry. I am not going to leave you alone. Just close your eyes."
"Thank you." Rodney said simply.
With the assurance that he wasn't going to be alone to deal with whatever the night would bring, Rodney finally closed his eyes. At this point, Elizabeth had started running her fingers through his hair again and he let himself be lulled by her gentle touch. In a matter of minutes Rodney's exhaustion overtook him and he didn't resist, falling unaided into a restful sleep for the first time in over six days.
Elizabeth was still stroking Rodney's hair while he slept, hoping that the contact would help keep him relaxed. It eased her mind a bit to see that he was finally able to allow himself to rest and she hoped that he would be able to manage a full night's sleep. She was aware of the nightmares that Rodney had been having since the accident, even if he didn't know it. There had been several times that she had received reports from the technicians in the gate room that he had been picked up by the sensors on the piers or wandering aimlessly through the city at all hours of the night. She promised herself then that if the same thing happened tonight, she would be there for him. Then she carefully covered Rodney with the blanket that was resting at the foot of the bed and settled in for the long night ahead, eventually dozing off herself.
After he had finished his run, John had stopped by the ship's commissary to grab a bottle of water to help himself cool down. Not quite ready to turn in for the night, he decided to take a slow walk through the hallways to try to clear his head enough to where he could settle down. As he was walking, John allowed his mind to wander to everything that they had been through over the past couple of days and when he did his thoughts went back to the Sunday when things in Atlantis had been broken forever. It was in this moment that he realized that nothing was ever going to be the same again and this thought drove home everything that they had all been through, everything that he had avoided thinking about for the past six days. After the accident, John had pushed his own grief and shock down because as the military leader of Atlantis, the responsibility fell to him to offer support to those under his command who were struggling with the loss of one of their own, the man who had put each of them back together after missions more times that anyone could count or cared to for that matter. No matter how hard the missions were or how horrendous the injuries that the Atlantis teams suffered, at the end of the day they all took for granted that the kind Scottish doctor would be there waiting for them in the infirmary to patch them up and make them good as new again. It had hit the military contingent hard accepting the knowledge that this constant was never going to be again and it fell to John to help them through it.
Then there was Rodney. If he was honest with himself, John had been concerned about the scientist since the day of Carson's funeral on Atlantis when they had taken their friend's body back home to Earth. In a quiet moment, Ronon had spoken to John about the conversation he'd had with Rodney when he had gone to offer assistance with packing Carson's belongings to be returned to his family. The Satedan usually took things in his stride and avoided dealing with painful situations the way that John did and so it alarmed him even more that his friend expressed concern about their teammate's emotional distress. As they traveled to Scotland to accompany Carson home, Rodney seemed to retreat inward, hardly speaking to any of them even when they addressed him directly. All of them knew that Rodney blamed himself for what happened but John saw a more disturbing pattern in his friend's behavior. Rodney was dying inside, his raw grief slowly destroying him. Seeing this concerned John more than he cared to admit so he pushed his own emotions down deeper in order to be there for Rodney.
The burden of command had caused John's own grief to become a dam waiting to break. He had been right in the infirmary the morning of the memorial service when he'd confided in Teyla that Carson's death hadn't hit him yet. It hadn't hit him because he hadn't had the time to let it. He had thrown himself so hard into being a rock for his team and the soldiers under his command that he had refused to allow himself the chance to grieve his loss. Carson had been his friend too. The one he had trusted when he was ill, a steady hand to fix whatever damage he managed to do to himself off world, a soft accented voice of reason when John drove himself to distraction with worry when one of the members of his team were injured, a friend that John could talk to about things and always seemed to know the right thing to say to make things better. In that moment, the knowledge that the trusted and much loved doctor was truly never coming back came crashing down on John and completely overwhelmed him. He threw the empty water bottle against the wall and sank down to the floor. Resting his head on his drawn up knees, John Sheppard finally gave in to his grief and cried for the first time since Carson's tragic death, his heart wrenching sobs going unheard in the empty hallway.
At some point during his emotional purging, John must have dozed off because the next thing he knew he heard someone calling to him and felt a hand on his shoulder. Lifting his head and opening his eyes, John saw Radek kneeling on the floor in front of him, looking very concerned.
"Are you all right, Colonel Sheppard?" Radek asked quietly.
"To be honest, Radek, I'm not really sure anymore. I thought I was because I had to push my own feelings about what happened aside to be there for everyone else but tonight everything hit me hard and it took my breath away. It was like reliving that awful day all over again." John answered honestly, his words catching in his throat as he spoke.
"I know what you mean. It still happens to me that way. I have an idea that might be able to help you. This is what I do to numb the pain when it gets to be too overwhelming. Come with me."
Confused and more than a little curious as to what the Czech had in mind, John allowed Radek to help him to his feet and followed him through the halls to the quarters he had been assigned to, which were right next to John's own. Following the other man into the room, John dropped heavily onto the couch and watched the scientist pull a good sized flask out of his pack.
"What I have here is very strong Vodka. This I make myself. I was hoping that you would share some with me now." Radek said honestly.
"I like the way you think, Radek." John laughed in spite of himself as he gratefully accepted the cup that his friend handed him, taking a long gulp from it. " Wow! You're right, that's pretty strong. But it's good stuff."
"Thank you. I could tell that you needed this. I don't share this with everyone. You should be careful not to drink so fast because it can knock you off your feet rather quickly."
"I think it's a little late for that. But that's okay though because the way I'm feeling right now, I think I could use the opportunity to be knocked off my feet for a while. I just want to be numb and not think about everything. How about it, Radek? What do you say we get drunk and forget everything for tonight."
"Sounds like a plan to me." Radek agreed, taking the glass that John held out to him and refilling it.
With the strength of the Vodka that they were drinking, it didn't take long for the two men to become affected by the alcohol. From where he was lounging on the couch, John was feeling no pain, a fact that he was grateful for in light of his earlier breakdown. Suddenly, he raised his glass in the air and briefly swirled the swallow of alcohol left in the bottom.
"This one's for you, Carson." John slurred, tossing back the last of his drink. Just then the effects of the booze overwhelmed the grieving men as they both gave in to drunken oblivion.
Several hours later, Elizabeth snapped awake, startled, when she felt Rodney stirring harshly against her leg. She sat for a moment to see if he would settle again but then she heard him let out a soft cry, a low mournful sound that cut through her like a hot knife slicing through a stick of butter.
"Rodney." Elizabeth whispered, shaking him gently. "Rodney, wake up."
A moment later, Rodney's eyes flew open and he sat up on the bed, pale and shaking. He looked around in confusion, trying to remember exactly where he was as he tried to get his rapid breathing under control. As he began to calm, he felt a pair of warm hands covering his own and he looked up to meet Elizabeth's frightened gaze and it all came back.
"Elizabeth? You're still here?"
"Of course. I promise you I wouldn't leave and I meant it. Are you okay?"
"Not really. I had a nightmare about the explosion, again. Except this time it was different. This time I was standing in the hallway when the explosion happened but I was wearing some sort of shield that no one else had. The worst part was that I saw Carson engulfed in flames and there wasn't anything I could do but sit there and watch. It was horrible. All I could do was watch as…." Rodney couldn't even bring himself to finish his thought. "My God, Elizabeth. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I've lost people before in my life but this is the first time it's ever hurt so much."
"I know, Rodney. I do understand how much you're hurting. I wish I could do more to help. If I could go back and change what happened that day I would but I can't. All I can do is be here for you to lean on." Elizabeth said, keeping her voice soft. She hadn't realized how badly McKay needed this comfort as he folded against her, crying like he had never cried in his life. Fighting to keep her own emotions in check, she pulled her grieving friend into her arms, rocking him gently as he sobbed inconsolably against her chest. "Come here. You're not alone in this. I promise. I know it hurts. But we're going to get through this together."
Elizabeth offered as much comfort as she could, whispering softly to Rodney as he finally began to fully grieve for what he had lost. She knew that he and Carson had been more than just colleagues, they had truly been friends. She also realized why Rodney hadn't let himself mourn for his best friend. He threw himself into his work and withdrew from everyone because he missed Carson so terribly and he had hoped that he would wake up in the infirmary with his friend checking medical monitors and that the past week had been a terrible nightmare. He didn't want to believe that Carson was truly gone and by grieving he would be admitting a truth that was heartbreaking to accept. As much as it broke Elizabeth's heart to hear Rodney's quiet sobs, at the same time she knew that accepting the truth and letting himself grieve was the first step toward healing. It wasn't long before his grief finally got the better of him and Elizabeth felt Rodney slump heavily against her as he became exhausted by his emotional release and fell into a dreamless sleep. Resting her back against the wall, Elizabeth pulled the sleeping man closer to her and pulled the blanket back over him, settling in to keep watch over him for the remainder of the night.
The next morning, Rodney stirred and opened his eyes to find himself stretched out on the bed with his head resting against Elizabeth's thigh. When he went to sit up and found her arm protectively around him, a hint of a smile came on his lips as he realized that she had stayed with him all night and watched over him. Sitting up carefully, Rodney stretched and yawned, feeling a lot more rested than he had in days.
"Good morning. Did you sleep okay?" Elizabeth asked.
"Hey. Yeah, actually I feel a bit better physically speaking. I needed that and it kinda helped that I cried myself out. I appreciate you staying with me. I don't think I would have gotten through that nightmare I had last night if you hadn't been here." Rodney said gratefully.
"I wasn't about to leave you alone, Rodney. I know you may not believe me, but now that you've stopped avoiding what happened and allowed yourself to begin to grieve properly, you finally took the first step to starting to heal from everything that we've been through."
"I know. But knowing that doesn't make it any easier to deal with the empty hole I have inside now. I've never had a best friend before in my life and it caused me to take Carson for granted. Now that he's gone, I just don't know how to cope. How do you let go of someone who meant so much to you and still does even though they're gone? I mean, how do you say goodbye?"
"I don't have the answer to that question, Rodney. All I do know is that you don't have to find out by yourself. Everyone in the city is trying to figure out that same thing. We aren't just an expedition anymore, you know. We're a family of sorts. Granted we may be a oddly dysfunctional family at times but we're still a family. We will get through what happened to Carson one day at a time and the main thing is that we're going to do it together." Elizabeth vowed.
"Yeah, I think we will." Rodney agreed. It was then that he truly realized the size of the support system he had. He was still hurting and he knew that he would for a very long time. He also knew that he would always miss his best friend, but for the first time since Carson's death, Rodney began to feel like he might actually be okay after all.