Failure
"No, no, no, no, this can't be happening… you can't be… you were fine just a minute ago… how? … What? … I can't…I don't …why?" Dick stuttered in disbelief, he couldn't understand what he was saying; he was completely oblivious to what was going on around him. Nothing seemed to be real; the world around him wasn't making any sense.
Nothing was making any sense; this shouldn't be happening. It couldn't be, everything was wrong.
He shouldn't be rooted to the ground on his knees next to the crumpled, bloodied form of his youngest brother. He was the oldest it was his job to protect his brothers but he had failed; he had messed up and Damian had paid the price. Dick knew then that he didn't have what it takes to be a hero. In his line of work there were no second chances; one mistake, one wrong move, one miscalculation and people suffered because of it. If he failed people died; right now proved that.
He was a failure, he had failed his parents, he had failed Jason and now he had failed Damian. He was useless.
Dick didn't understand; how could he save the lives of civilians on a regular basis yet always fail when it came down to protecting the people closest to him? If he was a real hero he would have been able to save Damian, he wouldn't have gotten knocked out in the first round, he was the oldest; he should have been protecting Damian, not the other way around. Damian was more of a hero than Dick could ever be. He had made the ultimate sacrifice he had given his life in attempt to stop the Heretic and protect his family. He had proved himself worthy of the name Wayne and the mantle of Robin.
Death, loss and grief were part of the Job description; Damian knew that; they all did. You would have thought that with the amount of people dick had lost he would have got used to it by now, or at least the pain would be easier to deal with but it wasn't. It never was. The pain always found its way back to him no matter how hard he tried. There had been numerous times when Dick had contemplated packing his bags and leaving; if he didn't have people to care about then he had nothing to lose, he wouldn't have to go through the pain of losing someone he cared about again but something always stopped him. This time he wasn't sure anything could; he had lost enough, he couldn't lose anyone else. Now, just might be the time to leave the Bat family. For good.
What plagued him the most was the guilt, the night his parents died, he had seen Zucco, he could have warned them, he could have saved them, he knew something was wrong but he hadn't tried hard enough to stop them performing. Not a day goes by that he doesn't question himself. What if he had done something different? What if he had tried harder, would they still be here now?
That was the worst part. The questions. The blasted "What if's?"
So many of them were rushing through his head making it hard to breathe and causing his head to pound. They were overwhelming him. What if he hadn't let Damian become Robin? What if he hadn't been knocked out? What if he had been there fighting alongside his younger brother? What if he had been faster? Stronger? smarter? What if? What if? What if?
They were driving him crazy.
The question that was currently tearing Dick's heart to shreds though was, was he scared, praying someone would come and save him?
As much as Damian had refused to acknowledge the fact, he was still a child. He should be out living his life, not lying dead at dick's feet.
He should have been there, fighting; his brother should not have had to take on the Heretic by himself. His death was Dick's greatest failure and he would have to carry that along with everything else. He would never forgive himself though. Never, no matter how much his family try to assure him.
Damian was a hero, when Gotham needed him, he was there. When Batman needed him, he was there. When Dick needed him, he was there. He was always there.
He will be remembered. Always.