"The Pirates of Nopantz"

THE BEGINNING

"Dirt? You're choosing DIRT over me?" William B.H.W. Jingleheimer-Turnerman said, wiping a straying tear from his cherry-red lips.

"Wait…?" Said Jack Sparrowman, pausing slightly.

"Yes?" Will said, hope in his fruity voice.

"You've got a cherry on your lip. Savvy?"

"…Oh."

William couldn't believe that after all they'd been through––butt-plugs; the Flock of Seagulls concert; the three-week vacations in Singapore; the orgies with Ewancillianhayden McGregor, the three-headed Sex Beast from the land of Fansexual, Fangirlvania––Jack would leave him over one of the Four Elements. (Five in Japan.)

And then, very unmanfully, Will burst into tears. I should have seen it coming, Will thought, now acclaiming in angsty agony, He's always covered in the stuff!

And then Jack turned around and said something funny, something so witty and hilarious that we shall spare you the humorous pain of it. If you really must know… it had "Savvy" in it.

"Oh let's just stick to the subject, please!" said Will between fits of sopranous giggles, for it truly was a funny thing that Jack said.

"Don't feel bad, Love. Savvy? We can always be 'friends with benefits.'"

"B… benefits?"

"Yes, Love. Said benefits are fruity, fruitful benefits. Savvy?"

"Um, no."

"Just bend over, Love. Savvy!"

Jack turned the lights off––er, I mean, blew out the candles––and ran his hand up the delicate curvature of––

"Elizabeth, what are you doing here!" said Jack suddenly.

"Oh sorry," said Elizabeth. "Wrong Fanfic."

Then Jack placed his hand on the dense musculature of––

"Norrington! What are you doing here?" shouted Jack.

"You mean this isn't 'Sparrington'?"

"No! Now go away and meet me in four hours. Savvy?" Jack sighed. "God Dammit, why must everyone want to have sex with me! Savvy! Savvy!"

All other obstacles having been defeated and ground into orange juice, Jack slid his hand over the delicately dense muscular curvature of Will's pasty white booty; he spanked it in delight. How Jack loved Will's booty. The jar of dirt certainly had not such a fine booty, but it made up for this lack in its own glassy curvature. Oh how it sparkled in the sunlight!

Jack slid his hotdog into Will's tight, white hamburger buns. Wait, shouldn't it be Will's hotdog buns? Anyway, all food aside, they were having hot man-sex.

Will squeezed his man-sex buns in a tantalizing River Dance™ of hot manly love. Sensing Jack's pleasant surprise, Will said, "You do know Elizabeth taught me to handle a sword, don't you?" Jack moaned manfully in response.

Did we mention this takes place on the deck of the Pearl? Just then, it started to rain for good measure. Which happened to be a very clever writing device, because it served as a metaphor for Will's sudden mood change.

"Will, darling? You seem sullied and unusual… You're suddenly cold and distant, emotionally intense yet subtle and introverted, like two conflicting emotions are dueling in the complex landscape of your subconscious."

"You can tell all that from my ass?"

"When you've been at sea as long as I have, Love, you learn a thing or two about sailors' arses. Savvy?"

Just then, the co-author's mother came in, leaving the other co-author to go rampant.

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!

All of a sudden, Will felt a familiar feeling.

"Did someone just shove a banana up my ass?"

THE MIDDLE

"Good luck trying to find out who," said Frank-N-Furter, hiding a banana behind his back.

"Ladies! Ladies! The show's about to start in five minutes! Chop, chop!" said Madame Jack. "And I don't want to see anybody forgetting to tuck it in this time!"

"Am I late? Am I late?" screeched Draco, who suddenly appeared out of thin air. Very thin air; one has no idea how these things really are at sea.

"Don't worry, bubblekins, we still have time," said Harry lovingly.

"Come now, Harry, don't look at me like that. We'll have time to shag each other's brains out later."

"What? You mean you would shag each other's brains out and not invite us!" sobbed Will and Frankie, clearly insulted.

"Of course not! You're ALL invited!" sang Draco. "Now, come on, everybody, let's start the show!"

Once on stage, Will sang in perfect soprano: "A one, a two, a one, two, three…Yo ho ho, a pirate's life for me! Come, friends, who plough the sea, truce to navigation; take another station; let's vary piracy with a little sodomy!"

Just then the co-author re-entered the room, screaming profanities and sporadically bitch-slapping, which was directed partially but not exclusively at the other author.

WE NOW RETURN TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING

"So anyway… my ass is feeling very depressed all of a sudden," sighed Will.

"But, darling, why? I thought my manfully delicious manhood always cheered it up!"

"Yes, your scrumptious manly shish-kebob usually puts a smile between my cheeks, but…"

Jack laughed. "Sorry," he said at Will's incredulous look. "I was just remembering the time I was a human shish-kebob."

"Oh yeah! When we almost died? Ha ha… Good times…." Will chuckled for a few seconds, but then slumped back into his subconscious's emotionally complex landscape.

"Oh William…" Jack whispered sadly. At this Will's demeanor faltered for a moment, because the authors have decided that Will loves it when Jack calls him "William."

"It's just…" started Will, his lengthy emotional build-up gone on long enough. "I know you're going to be thinking of the jar of dirt when we make love."

"'Make love'? What are you, a girl? We're going to fuck like donkeys!"

"You know how much I love donkey ass…. But don't change the subject!"

"All right, all right… if you must know how I really, truly, deeply feel about everything––"

Although in perfectly good health, the co-author of the previous interruption fell into an unexpected coma. Luckily, her co-author saw fit to continue the story in perilous and devious ways. 

Having scratched the above insanity, the author pursued an insane approach of her own devising.

Though it was raining, and Will's shirt was thoroughly wetly, hotly see-through translucent, several candles were re-lit aboard the Pearl, lighting the deck with beautiful glowing-ness, matched only by the awesome glowing, fiery moon.

The effect, in fact, was so overwhelming, that Will began to shake with glowing pleasure; then spontaneously combusted.

Jack stared, his mouth agape, at his flaming lover. "Will! You're on fire, love, savvy?"

"Oh yes, Jack, I want you NOW!"

"But… you're fucking on fire!"

"Yes… I know."

Smirking sexily/manfully, Jack Sparrowman reached for his enflamed lover and tossed him into the very, very sexy waves below.

And so it ended: Will fell in love with the waves, never to return. And that, boys and girls, is why you can hear the sea moaning from inside a sea shell to this very day. And Jack ran away with his dirt. There is no lesson to that. Nor reason. But we may speculate that it is the reason dirt smells bad to this very day.

THE END