Of course Tegan "forgot" to ask for separate hotel rooms. I knew what she was doing, as much as she denies it.
"Here we are" she said as she set her bags down to open the door. This is going to be a long tour if she kept this up. I couldn't do it. She knew that! I've told her…. Well, I've tried telling her anyway.
When Tegan opened the door I was surprised at what I saw. "You got two beds?" I asked.
"Well duh, Sara, I wasn't going to make you sleep with me", she said, totally sarcastically. I hate her. I set my bags on the bed closest to the door, in case I had to make a quick escape. "I'm going to the lobby for coffee. Want anything?"
"No thanks"
I left the room with a defeated sigh. If it were two years ago things would be completely different. I almost wished I still had Emy to keep my mind off of Tegan. As much as a bitch that makes me sound, it's true. She did keep my mind off of Tegan, if only in the daytime. Things were different now that Emy and I weren't together anymore, of course, but for some reason I didn't expect it. I'm so stupid. Why was Tegan even doing this now that she has Lindsey? I was hoping Lindsey would be our savior like Emy was for such a short time. But again I should just assume we're never going to find a "savior". Nobody could replace Tegan for me, just like nobody could replace me for Tegan.
I was thinking about Tegan and Lindsey when I ran into Ted. "How's your room?" I asked.
"Pretty nice. There's a bathtub that I'll gladly use tonight!" He laughed so I laughed once. "How's yours?" He asked.
"It's fine…. Two beds." That didn't come out as cheerful as it should have.
"Great! You won't have to deal with Tegan's stinky feet!" he laughed.
"Haha totally. Although I can probably smell them across the room if she wears those leather boots." I make a scrunched up face when I think about them.
"HA sorry! Oh, is the coffee good?"
"Psh hotel coffee is the best, haven't you heard?"
"Haha totally. I'm gunna go get some, talk to you later! Hey maybe if something good is on the tv tonight we can have a sleepover in your guys' room!" he says as he walks down the hall. I just smile and head into the elevator.
I forgot to bring a key so I knock once. "Whooo is iiiiiit?" Tegan sings.
"Me." I say. She opens the door and smiles, "darn!"
"Not funny" I say.
"What's wrong?" she asks.
I gesture to my cup. "It's gross"
"Aww man. Well, I mean, you can't expect much from hotel lobby coffee at 8 at night, am I right?"
True. I see she put some of her things in the bathroom. We got a bathtub too. "Ted says he's gunna take a bath tonight and then come over for a movie"
"Kay. We'll see what's on Cinemax." She winked.
"I was thinking more like 'Hallmark presents: sappy, crappy romance based on a sappy, crappy novel'?"
She laughed "Sounds good. I'm gunna hop in the shower."
"Ok- oh wait. Just a second." I unzip my bag and take out my toiletry bag. "Put this in there will you"
She takes it and shuts the door. I look at my bag for a quick second then remember I wanted to make sure to hang up a shirt. When I open the closet, there's already some of Tegan's stuff, including leather boots. "Eugh. Tegan." I say to myself and hang the shirt up. My clothes better not smell from those. I set my suitcase on the side of my bed facing Tegan's and flop onto the mattress. Hard, loud mattress. Oddly enough, I like it. It's comforting from so many days on the road. I would take a hotel mattress over a bunk in the bus any day. Having a tiny bunk does have its perks though. More privacy… forced privacy. Can't hide anything in a tour bus. Which is a life saver for me, the one with no fucking self-control.
I close my eyes and listen. There are faint footsteps above us and a quiet tv. I try to figure out what's on the tv but it's too quiet. I like to think about how much easier those people's lives are. It's odd to think how completely different we are, and yet for one night, we're on the same little life path, in this hotel room, in the same city, on the same hard mattresses. I can hear the shower. Tegan's in there. I like her shampoo she uses, it smells like strawberries. I wonder if she's washing her hair right now. Or her arms. Maybe she's shaving her legs. I hear her sing, "all I need to hear is that you're not mine, you're not mine. All I need to hear is that you're not mine, you're not mine…"
"I'm not yours." I whisper. Jesus, who was I kidding? Of course I'm hers. I'm nobody else's but hers. Forever. Fuck.
I lay there until I hear the shower turn off then I sit up and turn the tv on and start flipping through channels mindlessly.
Through the door I hear "Sara"
"What!"
"Can you bring me my bag!" Jesus Tegan. I get up and grab her bag and stand outside the door. She opens the door with a simple towel around her waist.
"Fuck, Tegan!"
"Thanks!" she simply says and shuts the door.
God. Why.
A minute later she comes out in pajama shorts and a tank top. "Anything good on?" she asks, completely ignoring what she had just done to me. I just shake my head. "Can you keep your boots out of the closet so my shirts don't smell like feet?"
"Ya" she says as she walks over and takes them back out.
"Thank you"
"Welcome"
The crappy alarm clock on the one night stand between us flashes 9:17. We have a radio interview to do at 9 tomorrow morning. I get my pajamas out of my suitcase and head to the bathroom. It's steamy in there and smells like strawberries. I quickly get my pj pants and t-shirt on and start brushing my teeth. When I come out Tegan's on her laptop on her bed. She's playing with her damp hair.
"You should see what some of these fan blogs say" she laughs. "They're pretty cray cray. Listen to this. This is on a caption of a photo of you in action on stage: 'I'm sorry I'm not sorry that I am eye fucking this pic right now. Totally objectifying Sara Quin'" She laughs.
"Creepy" I say with my eyebrows up. "Can't blame 'em though"
"Psh. I know!" She says. I scowl at her. "Hey Sara I'm serious! Those moves you do on the keyboard. Mmm"
"Shut the fuck up Tegan" I can't say anything around her. Even jokes. I pull out my book and get under the covers and start acting like I'm reading. I can see her smiling at her computer screen like a weirdo. Her hair is almost dry but it's all messy around her face. I love her hair long; I wish she kept it like that. She shut her laptop with more force than I would and said "Ted and Shaun are watching Final Destination 2 in Shaun's room, so we're good tonight." I was a little relieved, I guess.
I read for about half an hour longer while Tegan played on her phone. "Can I shut the light off?" I ask.
"Yeah"
I put my book on the nightstand and double check my alarm on my phone, then shut the light off. Tegan's face is glowing from her phone. She looks up at me. "I see you" she smiles. I just keep looking at her. "What" she asks.
"Nothing" I say "But your teeth look fabulous in that lighting" I joke. She laughs.
"Thaaanks."
She sets her phone on the nightstand and rolls over. I lay on my back with my eyes open thinking why does this always happen. It's dark and quiet and we're alone and there's an elephant in the room. I know I'm not gunna get much sleep tonight, no matter what happens. I feel defeated, I really do. But it's not Tegan's fault. And unfortunately I feel like she sometimes thinks it is. It's neither of our faults. We can't help it. We can't help it, right? I roll onto my side facing Tegan's bed. I can see the outline of her back. The curve of her body facing away from me. Is she awake? I wonder. I lay there watching her breathe for a while knowing I can't fall asleep.
When I roll over with a sigh, I hear Tegan roll over. "Did you say something?" I say.
"No" she says. She's still awake. I don't know why but that makes me happy.
"Sara?" she says, quietly, almost a whisper.
"What" I answer, staring at the wall. She doesn't have anything to say, I know this. I don't mind though.
After a few seconds I roll over to look at her. I can tell that her eyes are open looking back at me.
"…..Sara….. can I…?"
I lay there in silence for a minute before saying "Yes" very quietly.
Nothing but silence for another minute. "Tegan, yes."
She gets out of her bed and climbs into mine. Her legs are immediately warm and soft against me. We share my pillow and both close our eyes. I fall asleep to the smell of her strawberry shampoo.