Disclaimer: I do not own Dan & Phil.
Phil sat on the couch and stared blankly at the TV screen, not sure what to do now. His best friend was in the other room on the phone with someone whom he seemed way too excited to talk to. He could feel it in his heart that Dan was going to find someone to be with for the rest of his life eventually. He just knew that this person, whomever it was, would end up dating him and either leaving him so Phil could think he still had a chance (albeit slim) only for him to have his heart broken again once Dan finds someone else.
Phil just couldn't understand why he didn't drop Dan and everything to do with him sometimes.
And it was usually at times like these when he would go to his room, like now, wandering the halls slowly to his door to pause in the door jam and to stare off towards the sound of Dan's voice and wish desperately that he could be the one making him laugh like that.
He never wanted anything more.
He almost always would sit on his bed and stare at the wall, nails digging into the palms of his hands, trying desperately to remember that he had fans that could potentially see his arms and would attempt to fight the urge to mar his skin. Not like it needed more marring, it already had enough to begin with. But he'd always hear Dan say something along the lines of 'okay I'll see you in ten' or something of the sort and that's what would break his resolve.
He'd wait until he heard the door close to the flat and make a mad dash for the razor he always had underneath his laptop case that was almost always sitting on a shelf. Phil always would make Dan get it if he were taking his computer with him, feigning being too short. In reality, he had a stool that he kept nearby for such emergencies as this.
And to get the razor before letting Dan stretch up to reveal some of his midsection while he reached for the case.
He would run to the bathroom with his pajama bottoms and turn on the water in the shower as hot as he could handle it without being burned. He'd get in and wash the blade off with soap before wiping the suds off and pressing the metal into his skin. The feel of the cool metal sliding against his skin was always a form of slow release.
The first few passes he never really felt anything. It was always when he paused to close his eyes and finally let out the tears that had been begging to be released since he had heard Dan enthusiastically answer his cell phone, always with some girl's name on his lips. That was when all the pain would crash into him. He would always cry and as he was crying was when the sting would start.
He would start passing the blade over his skin again, just enough to make himself bleed but never farther, and as it would slide along it no longer felt like he was dragging the blunt edge of a knife over his skin but like he was taking a pin and stabbing himself in a line with it. The sharp, random pangs would help ease the pain of his heart and eventually when that went away he'd be left with nothing but a crash of physical pain that left his mind unbelievably clear. He always liked that part the most.
It was the time when his body wanted nothing more than to sleep, to escape the horrors of heartache. It was when he could finally see without feeling pain that he'd never be able to be with Dan, that he didn't deserve him. It was always during this moment that he treasured all of their fun times together making videos and sorting through fan mail that he would say something and the two of them would laugh and bump into each other. It was when he could finally think about Dan and everything he loved about the man without feeling pain.
The only downside was he never really felt happy either. He'd rather feel nothing than to feel all that pain.
But this time, that didn't come. The pin-like feeling didn't come this time, so he kept going. He needed to feel the pain, to go through all of the things that he always went through when he was doing this. And he wasn't getting it.
And then he pressed harder than he thought he did.
The entire process took place and he felt the water cool down slightly so he turned the knob so it would stay hot for a little while longer. When he got out he dried his hair and put on his pajama bottoms, these ones just being black cotton, and numbly rubbed the dried blood off of his arms in the sink before washing his mess down the drain.
He still hadn't noticed that he cut deeper than he meant to. Not enough to be doctor-trip worthy but enough to guarantee at least a month of decent healing for a scar to appear and replace the angry red puckers that now covered his inner forearms and wrists.
He turned all the lights out in the flat and turned the TV off before heading back to his room. He couldn't find Dan and he hadn't gotten an answer when he knocked on his door, so he assumed he was going to spend the night with some girl at her place rather than come back home.
Home. Something this flat would never be without Dan or with anyone else.
He crawled into his bed after numbly turning out his lamp and curled up into a ball under his duvet. He quickly settled into an uneasy sleep. Better than the nightmares he constantly had, but still enough to make sure that he slept lightly. He'd rather sleep lightly than with the nightmares though.
He always felt worse after the nightmares.
If Phil had been in it enough to take precautions he would have left the lights on or locked his door or at least put on a shirt before letting sleep overtake his mind. But he didn't.
And he most certainly didn't expect Dan to be returning home only to open the door to his room.
Dan had been out to buy a cup of coffee to keep him awake while he drew in his sketchbook. He knew that he'd be getting it out again tonight, after months of denying that he even drew in the first place. How Amanda had known that he drew in the first place was beyond him, let alone what he drew about.
No one but him knew that he drew Phil on almost a daily basis, so why would she know? Because she apparently knew everything in the whole freaking world, that's why. Actually, that wasn't what he minded. What he minded was that when he left for coffee, she had somehow followed him there and held him up an extra hour longer than he needed to be gone.
When he finally got back to their flat, he noticed immediately that the lights were off and that was a key indicator that Phil either thought he wasn't coming home or that he was filming a video.
Dead silence was broken by a quiet sob coming from Phil's room.
He walked over to the door, opening it softly. He expected Phil to be watching a sad movie or something, but when he saw him curled up into a ball in the corner of his bed he didn't know what to think. He let the door fall open so some light fell on the sleeping figure, and Dan gasped softly at what he saw.
Sometime in the time Phil had fallen asleep, he had also scratched at his arm and stretched it so it started bleeding again. Dan's intake of breath had woken Phil up and he smiled up sleepily from his position on the bed. Until he felt the warmth on his arm.
His eyes widened in panic and he pulled his arm to his chest and quickly pulled the duvet over his head and turned over so he was facing away from the one man he'd ever love. He just couldn't bear to see him look disappointed at him. It was too much and he felt hot tears slide down his cheeks.
He felt the bed move slightly as Dan's extra weight was added and a hand was suddenly on his shoulder through the blanket.
"Phil...? Phil come out of there. Please." It was the softness and quiet nature of Dan's voice that eventually cooed him out of his cocoon. He looked up at the younger man and held his arm closer to his chest. A sudden stab of pain shot through his arm when he pressed too hard and Dan suddenly picked him up, duvet and all.
Phil didn't bother to protest as he was carried to Dan's room where they kept their first aid kit. He didn't say anything until Dan tried to take Phil's arm away from his chest. Then he just locked his arm into place.
After much convincing and pleading on Dan's part, Phil finally let him have his arm to clean, bandage, and inspect at his leisure. Phil was too out of it to care. Dan wrapped his arms carefully, lovingly, before taking Phil's hands in his own and sitting down next to him.
"Phil?" He looked up, knowing that they both knew Dan didn't really need to ask, nor did either one really want to hear the question out loud.
"Because I can't stand to see you. No, don't leave, hear me out. I can't stand to see you because somewhere along the way I fell in love with you. I can't stand to see you and know that I can never be with you. I can't stand to see you because I'm always wondering if the next person you date will be the one for you or if you'll break up and lead me to believe I've got a chance to only unknowingly crush my spirit again when you go on another date. I can't stand to see you because you're too beautiful for me to be looking at. I can't stand to see you because I never know if I'll be able to keep my home or not. I can't stand to look at you because I know that I could never live without seeing you." Phil felt light headed after saying all of that and almost fell over.
Dan caught him without thinking and hugged him to his body. He swore in his mind that he'd never let Phil believe that he would go anywhere.
"Phil I heard you out, now you have to hear me. I don't love you. I don't love you because I never let myself. I don't love you because I always thought that I would never have a chance with you. I don't love you because I never wanted to let myself become that dependent on someone else. I never wanted to fall in love in the first place, let alone with someone I thought I had zero chance with. I don't love you. But I think that I could easily learn to let myself fall for you, if you're willing to have me."
Dan watched as Phil looked up at him with clear blue eyes shining with unshed tears and hope. The light kiss that followed Dan took as a yes and he held Phil close to his body for along while.
When Phil yawned, Dan laid him down in his bed and got his pajamas on and laid next to him in his bed. Phil cuddled into his side like a kitten and was quickly asleep. Dan fell asleep as he fell in love with Phil for the first time.
He knew that it wouldn't be the last because he knew that every day he'd find another reason to fall in love with him all over again.