From the Heart: Shattered Moon Pt 14
A Bya/Ren Valentine's Day Oneshot By Spunky0ne
Byakuya woke to the sound of falling rain and, more reflexively than consciously turned, seeking the warmth of Renji's body. But the other side of the bed was cold…and though his pillow still carried his scent, Byakuya found himself alone. Blinking, he sat up, trying to ignore the heavy feeling in his abdomen and the slight nausea he still experienced upon first waking. He missed feeling the caress of Renji's hand over the small swell of his lower abdomen…the heat of that half-awake good morning kiss…and the slow, gentle joining of their bodies that often followed.
I miss you…
Renji's mind was quiet…distant. He was likely still unconscious…
With a soft sigh, the noble rose and walked to the dressing area. He looked at the row of kimonos and chose a deep red one with a pattern of small pink blossoms. It had been a gift from Renji several years before and it had become habit for him to wear it on Valentine's Day. His fingers brushed against the kimono he had given Renji that same day…hunter green with a trail of golden vines and a golden flower on the back. He swallowed hard and turned out of the dressing area.
Taking the inner hallway, he followed the sound of soft voices to the smaller dining room that they used when the weather was too cold for outdoor dining. To his surprise, although the children were there, they were not eating, but seemed to be laughing and talking softly while working on something art related. A smile came to his lips as he spotted Akiko perched on Chisaki's lap, her hands, cheeks, hair and clothes dotted with red, pink, gold and silver sparkles. Akane bounced merrily on Takeshi's lap, likewise adorned. Young Hajime sat beside his visiting older namesake, giving him advice about how to arrange the glue on the paper in front of him, then to sprinkle the sparkles on the top to make a meandering pattern.
Byakuya felt his heart catch at the sight of Takeo, standing alone near the open doors and looking out into the garden, watching the rain fall…
The elder Hajime smiled up at him and nodded in greeting, then young Hajime hopped off his chair and scampered to Byakuya, holding a card he had been working on.
"What is this?" Byakuya said quietly, taking the red, home made valentine from his son's hand and studying the pretty light and dark pink hearts, and the swirls of glitter, "This is lovely, Hajime."
"It's for the baby," he said, pointing to the glittered words, 'Little One' he had written and lined with glue at the top, "That's what you call our babies sometimes, instead of their names…"
"Yes, it is," agreed the noble.
"I made one for Daddy Ren too."
Byakuya blinked and nodded, but said nothing. He turned to Chisaki and Takeshi, admiring the sticky valentines that they were helping the toddler girls make.
"Daddy Bya!" squealed Akiko, reaching up with sticky, glittered hands.
Smiling, Byakuya picked her up, not minding at all the gluey, sparkly hands that touched his cheeks and throat, then peeled away, leaving behind spots of glitter.
Akane's wide gray eyes sought Byakuya's, then she looked around.
"Dada Red?" she queried.
Byakuya felt the other children's eyes on him and smiled down at Akane.
"He is still resting at the healing center," he told the toddler, "He was hurt, but he will wake up and come home soon."
The little girl blinked.
"He bwoke it?" she asked, remembering seeing her father's carefully wrapped arm.
Byakuya saw Takeo flinch and stare harder into the rain.
"He broke his arm…yes."
"And bweeded?" asked the girl, remembering the other bandages.
Byakuya nodded silently.
"But your Daddy Ren will be fine," said the elder Hajime, looking up at Byakuya sympathetically, "He grows stronger every day."
Byakuya noticed that young Hajime had risen and was slowly approaching Takeo. Takeo continued to gaze quietly out at the rain, seeming not to notice. Hajime reached him and held out a dark pink card.
"Takeo…I'm…I'm sorry," he whispered, "He only got hurt like that because he came to save me…"
Takeo's head dipped slightly, then he turned and took the valentine from his brother's outstretched hand. He looked down at Hajime affectionately.
"You didn't do anything wrong, Hajime," he assured the boy, "and we all came to save you because we're family."
"But he got hurt protecting me…"
Takeo shook his head firmly and looked back out at the falling rain.
"He got hurt protecting us. Because…that's what you do when you love someone and someone tries to hurt them.
Hajime moved closer, letting his fingers slip into his brother's healing hand.
"You protected us too," he said softly, "even though you were still hurt."
A sad smile tugged at Takeo's lips and Byakuya was stricken with how much it reminded him of an expression he had seen Renji wear before. Takeo's coloring was different and there were a hundred other small variances, but when Byakuya looked at Takeo, he always saw the thousands of similarities. Takeo's dark eyes met his, with an injured look that made his breath catch.
"It doesn't matter what happens to me," he told his little brother, "I will always be there for you."
It was as though Renji was speaking to him through Takeo…
He crossed the room, still holding Akiko in his arms and stood next to Takeo, following his gaze out the open doors.
You've become very strong, Takeo Abarai. I'm proud to be your father too…
"And it doesn't matter what happens," Byakuya said quietly, "Renji and I will always be there for you."
Takeo nodded without speaking and wrapped his arm around Byakuya and Akiko.
"I know…and I'm okay, Dad. Really, I am. I was just…wondering…if I'll ever be that strong."
Byakuya smiled and rested his chin on the top of Akiko's head, enjoying the tickle of red curls on his skin.
"I wonder the same thing," he said quietly.
The young man's eyes widened.
"You?" he mused, "but…you…"
"I am powerful," Byakuya said, nodding, "but Renji is stronger than I am. There is a difference between power and strength."
Takeo smiled and kissed Byakuya on the cheek.
"But you need both…ne?" he said, turning back towards the others.
Byakuya looked out at the rain and took a breath of fresh, cool air.
"Hai…" he whispered, "One needs the other to be completed."
He followed Takeo back to the table and set Akiko back in Chisaki's arms. Young Hajime rejoined his elder counterpart and continued to work at the set of valentines he had been making. Byakuya looked down at the one the boy had given him for the unborn child he carried. A smile touched his lips as he turned and walked back to his and Renji's bedroom. He moved into the dressing area and took the green kimono from the rack, then enclosed it in a protective garment bag and left the manor. He passed through the gates and flash stepped through the rainy streets, enjoying the feel of raindrops against his skin. He reached the healing center and walked inside, stopping in the entry to shake the droplets of water out of his hair and from his kimono. He walked down the now all too familiar hallway to Renji's hospital room. He paused at the door, closing his eyes for a moment.
You aren't awake, but you feel that I'm here…
Pushing the door open, he stepped inside and moved quietly to his life partner's side. He removed the kimono from the protective sleeve and carefully dressed him in it. He drew back the curtains so he could watch the rain, then slipped into the hospital bed and worked his way into the redhead's embrace on the side that was less damaged. He felt chilled at the fact that being moved didn't even cause the injured man to stir. Shoving his concern to the back of his mind, he settled against Renji's side and nuzzled into the red hair and the soft skin of his throat. As he watched the rain fall, he reached for Renji's injured hand and studied it, noting that it seemed much better. He laid the carefully wrapped hand on the swollen bump on his lower abdomen and brought his lips to Renji's ear.
"This is a promise," he whispered, "that you will come back to me. There are those we have sworn to protect…but I need you at my side to do that. Rest easy…let yourself heal. During these quiet times that we have earned with our blood and tears, be calm and gather your strength. There will always be threats and dangers…but likewise, there will always be love. Reach for that and let it anchor you here…breathe it in…live for it. Live for us. I will be here for you…always."
He kissed Renji gently on the lips, then fell silent, listening to the sound of the rain and remembering…
"Renji…where are you going?"
"I'm going…to save Rukia!"
"No."
"I must!"
The rain thickened and pounded more fiercely and the wind whistled through the trees.
"I deserved to die for my mistakes. I don't…understand why I'm still here, Renji. When I stepped in front of Gin's blade, I knew I was going to die. I thought that it was justice…that I was just going to pay for what I'd done. But I'm sitting here alive and I have no clue what to do now. I don't trust my own heart…and I don't trust the law. What is left? How do I know what to do now?"
"I think that you just have to put one foot in front of the other…find your balance again. Life is like that, Captain. Sometimes it's best to follow your heart, sometimes your head, and sometimes the law."
"But how do I know which one?"
"I don't know that, Captain, but what I do know is that you can't do it alone. You need others, people you trust to be there, to help you when you don't know what to do."
"I don't trust anyone…except you."
"Wait! What? How can you trust me? I…I turned on you. You are my captain and I tried to kill you. How can you say that you trust me now?"
"You tell me the truth, Renji. You don't conceal things. When you say something to me, I know that you mean it."
"And you promised me that you would always be with me…and I feel that you are, even now, when you can't say the words," the noble whispered.
"I never really feared dying as a shingami," he admitted, "and if you had asked me why, I would have told you that it was simply not something to be feared. It was my mission to protect other lives and if my own life ended because of it, it was only the price exacted for being who I was. I feared losing others to death, especially after losing Hisana, but I just didn't fear for myself. Maybe it was arrogance…or maybe it was because I had learned to accept death's constant presence near me. Whatever it was that left me fearless is gone. And it doesn't matter that I know it is necessary. It doesn't matter that I know I have a life waiting for me to return to it on the other side of this…Renji, I know I really have to be alive. I really have to be human. Because even knowing all I do, my body still shakes at the thought of what has to happen. My heart races in desperation at the thought of being stilled. In this way, I am like any other human. I can't simply shrug off my existence. I cannot just throw my life away. My mind knows what is necessary, but my heart will not accept it. It rages against what we know we have to do. It wants desperately to stay alive. Why is that? Renji, I want to regain my shinigami form. I want to go home. Why do I feel like this? There shouldn't be such conflict! Why?"
"Bya…you know why," Renji answered gently, "Even as a shinigami, I know you believed that every life has meaning…every life exists for a reason, or many reasons. You told me that once. Something inside you is telling you that there is something more to this life than what you've experienced, something you have left to do."
"Renji…there is nothing left I can do, no great purpose to live for. This body is shaky and weak. It is already dying. What purpose could it possibly serve now?"
"Shh," Renji said, lowering him back onto the pillows, "You're over-thinking all of this. You need to focus on resting and regaining some strength. If our roles were reversed, that's what you would be telling me. Close your eyes. Try to rest. Your life has many purposes. You have made a difference. You had an effect on people while you were here. The nurses at the hospital…the woman at the dance club who you told me helped you. You may not think it's worth much, but it is. And you've done something else while you were here. You were my lover. And if you think that just because you will regain your shinigami form, that I'll forget all about what you were like as a human, think again. It's strange, Bya. I thought you were strong when you were a shinigami, but you've redefined the word as a human. With no powers, with your body weakening by the moment, you have kept moving forward anyway. You haven't let weakness and powerlessness defeat you. You've come this far and I know you won't stop. You have more courage than I ever could if it was me going through this. Bya…I thought I was in love with you before. But I've fallen in love with you all over again. And I think that is enough purpose…love is enough of a reason for anyone to live. You think your life should have purpose…and our love is the greatest purpose."
"Arigato, Renji," he said quietly, looking into the redhead's teary eyes with affection and gratitude. "You are right. Our love is the greatest purpose. I was wrong to forget that, wrong to despair."
"Our love is the greatest purpose…" Byakuya whispered.
"Take my sword. When the Senkei fails, take my sword and fight your way free. One of us has to survive to tell our child about the other."
"I won't have to tell our child stories about you, because you are not going anywhere. Don't you feel it? They are coming, Byakuya. Detonate your Senkei now, while you can. I swear to you, the wolves won't reach us. I swear to you, they won't touch you. I swear to you, I will not fail. You have my word."
"And you kept that promise…"
"Byakuya, when you and I are on the battlefield, we step out there with the knowledge that nobody leaves until the battle is over. This is no different. We have stepped onto this battlefield together and we doing our best to protect each other and to survive. We can't do any more than that. But that is enough for me. All I need to know is that we are in this together. When you left the outpost, I suddenly wasn't so sure that we were, so I'll ask you...Byakuya, are you going to stay with me or are you going to walk away?"
"Renji...I didn't come here to decide whether or not I would stay with you. As you said, I discovered that we are beyond the making of that decision already. I just came here to find my way back from the madness I fell into when I thought you were gone. The hollow was right, I have gone mad. It's like all of the light around me left when you were gone. I was just doing my best to survive, but with the light gone, I couldn't find my way. Then when you returned, the light came back so suddenly that it blinded me. And even though I crave its warmth, I was caught up in how much it hurt when I thought that it was gone. How am I supposed to forget that? How do I go back to not thinking about how much it would hurt to live without you? How do I forget that I could be plunged back into that darkness again at any time?"
"How do you forget that at any moment on the battlefield, something could kill you, Byakuya? You focus your energy on survival. You embrace the battle. If you do that, you will survive...whatever happens. You say you've gone mad from the pain of losing me...well, let me bring you back from that. I am here now. Embrace that and let yourself be comforted by it. There's nothing to be gained by holding yourself away from me anymore. You really scared me, Byakuya. I really thought you were going to walk away,"
"Renji, you asked me to let you comfort me. Let me do the same for you. I may have been driven mad with pain, but I never planned to leave you. I knew that wasn't possible. I only came here to remind myself why I chose this path."
"And you remember now?"
"I remember."
"And no one leaves until the battle is over, right?"
"No one leaves."
"No one leaves," Byakuya whispered into his lover's ear, "Aishiteru yo, Renji Abarai."
He closed his eyes and let the flood of memories take over again.
"So…you intend to accept my recommendation?"
"I know you heard what I said to him that night. I told him I wouldn't leave your side until I knew you would have someone to watch your back the way I did. The kid's amazing, Byakuya!"
"What happened? What did he do?"
"He saved both of us. He ran forward as Aizen and Gin stabbed us. He used his bankai and stopped Gin from giving us the final blow. Gin drove that damned zanpakuto through him. He should have died right then. But this light came out of his zanpakuto. It looked like some kind of huge version of his fire eagle. It broke Shinzou, then went straight for them and scared the hell out of them…sent them running. And then the rescue force came in. All this time…we all wanted to find you, to save you, and who does it? Some snot-nosed kid who still can't manage to control hell butterflies!"
"You trained that snot-nosed kid, Renji, That kind of courage, that presence of mind…it reminds me of another kid…a street-rat from the Rukon District. He couldn't write legibly, was never on time, and was impossibly impatient…but he stood up to his captain and had the strength to fight him when he knew the captain was wrong. And now that street-rat is going to be a captain, himself."
"Byakuya…"
"Renji, there is one last bit of knowledge I need to pass on to you before you take that step. You told Rikichi that in defense of his captain, he must be ready to yield up his life. Well, that may be true, but…it is the duty of a captain to watch over his division, to protect those lives that may have to be given up for him. He must grow to know each of them, to bring out their strength and pull them together to work as one. Each time someone dies, it is a weight on the captain's heart…because none of us want to lose even one of those we lead. It is an impossible task…to want to keep them all safe, but captains tend to be perfectionists, even when it comes to themselves. So as a captain, you must honor the loyalty and protect the lives of your subordinates…and sometimes that means putting your own life at risk…or dying. I didn't know this when I became a captain…I learned it…from a snot-nosed street-rat from the Rukon District."
"Byakuya…I…"
"Renji, you sought for all of this time to surpass me, and I think that when you consider how much I've learned from you, I can no longer be considered your superior. I never want to hear you speak to me as though you are anything less than my equal...not ever again."
"Arigato, Byakuya."
"No…" Byakuya whispered at the memory, "Thank you…Renji…"
"Didn't you understand? Time is suspended right now. You and I are poised on the balance point between life and death, Renji. I don't want to move to tip that balance until we remind ourselves why we are beside each other, why we have brought ourselves forward into this place. It isn't about making love. It is about seeing our connection."
"Soul Bonding…I never even heard of it before. But for some reason, when he said it, it started to make sense in my head, you know? It was one of those times where you hear something like that and you realize you already knew it, you'd just never put it into words."
"I love you, Renji."
"Bya? Don't say good-bye to me. Because whatever happens when we leave this place, it can't take away what's here."
"No. No, it can't."
"I love you, too, Byakuya."
Byakuya opened his eyes and turned to kiss his unconscious lover's warm lips. He started in surprise when the dark brown eyes opened and met his lovingly. There was still pain in them, but the love burned stronger than ever. Byakuya touched his face with shaking fingertips and blinked back the tears that threatened.
"Happy Valentine's Day, Renji," he said softly.
"Happy Valentine's Day, Bya," the redhead answered, wrapping the noble in trembling, but still achingly strong arms.
Byakuya settled again in Renji's embrace, forcing down a silent sob as a bandaged hand slipped beneath his clothes and caressed the small bump on his lower abdomen.