The Assassin's Decision

by Isabel Juno

The sequel to Opposites the rewritten version.... The team slowly begins to heal... GCR and NickOther.

1. Rain

Author: Isabel Juno

Title: The Assassin's Decision

Disclaimers: the day i own the csi characters is the day penguins take over the world...GO PENGUINS!

Summary: this is the sequel to Opposites.. the rewritten version..

Rating: M for adult content and sexual suggestion

R&R please... i'm still new to writing fanfiction so please let me know what you think and thanks to all my buddies Mj0621 especially! hugs!

The Assassins Decision

By Isabel Juno and Mj0621 (for helping me through my writers block! Love ya! hugs)

Rain

Gil sat on the back deck with his eyes closed and his face upturned enjoying the sound of the rain slamming into the soft and already sodden ground. He felt guilty, a member of his team was dead and here he was less than a week later enjoying the rain, halfway dozing in the comfortable wicker chair. Here he was alive and happy when a member of his team, a csi he had mentored, was dead. He breathed in the smell of the rain and caught a whiff of a familiar perfume in the air.

"Hi Cath." She stared at him in amazement.

"How on earth do you do that?"

"I'm talented." She rolled her eyes at him and put her hands on her hips in that "Catherine Willows" manner that defined her. He smiled sensing her stance.

"Alright. The truth is I can smell your perfume." She just stared at him, unwilling to believe that his nose was sensitive enough to detect her perfume with the rain coming down like it was. She decided to let the subject drop.

"What are you thinking about?" She asked as she sank onto the wicker couch next to Gil's chair. He lowered his head but kept his eyes closed. He frowned and let his guilt show through.

"I can't help feeling like Sara's death was my fault. I know I wasn't there and that I had no actual hand in her death but…She died on an assignment. An assignment I handed to her and made her take. I feel like I condemned her to die." Cath stared at the emotionally tortured man in front of her trying to think of a way to make his pain and guilt go away. She finally settled on spelling out the truth for him.

"There was no way you could have known that anybody would get hurt and Sara did not follow her instructions. She was only supposed to get close and gather information not follow mobsters to their meeting and spy on them. I really hate to make this look like Sara brought this on herself, because nobody deserves what happened to her, but she ignored orders and procedure. She took a gamble and suffered the consequences. Now all we can do is get the bastards who killed her." She studied Gil's face. He showed no reaction, gave no sign he'd even heard her. She sighed, Gil was a good man, a great boss, and the best friend she'd ever had. In fact it was on their undercover assignment that they'd become more than friends and now he was sitting here moping about a lost colleague and friend on her back deck. He'd spent the night at her house. They'd been discussing how to process the mob case, which they'd been given control over because of Sara's death and the kidnapping of Greg Sanders and Miles. The boy, Miles, still refused to tell them who he was and they'd been unable to find out. There was no missing persons report of a boy of his description and his prints weren't in the system. His DNA had been run through turning up nothing. Greg was taking care of the boy for the time being. Everybody had been fine with that. The two had bonded during their captivity and escape and Miles wouldn't go anywhere without Greg. Greg was out cold on her couch and Miles was upstairs playing with Lindsey. Greg had been staying with various co-workers since Sara's death. He didn't feel like he could go home. Nobody knew why and Greg didn't seem to know either, all he knew was whenever he went near his house he would break down and would start sobbing. Miles didn't mind moving around, he seemed to be used to it. Gil, Cath, and Linds had all taken a shine to Miles. He had a gentle, quiet, and mischievous manner about him. He was incredibly empathic as well; he always knew when to leave people alone and when to comfort them. He was almost always shy smiles and he loved to tell stories and jokes. His electric blue his were always moving in a semi-paranoid manner and his hands were almost never still. His dark brown hair was slightly wavy and fell just short of his eyes. He had a thin face and an intense stare that, when not accompanied by a smile, looked borderline deadly. He had hidden behind Greg for most of the night of he and Greg had escaped but as soon as Lindsey had been brought in to try to get him to talk he opened up and started telling jokes and stories, anything to avoid talking about his past. They had asked only occasionally in a casual manner after observing how he'd shut down the moment they directly questioned him. So far they'd only found out he hadn't lived anywhere for longer than a month in the last 4 years. Lindsey had taken a real liking to the boy and had basically become best friends with him. Miles seemed almost confused about the concept of friends. He seemed to have had very little positive social interaction in his young life. Cath reflected on this while Gil sat in silence replaying the last two weeks in his mind trying to think of a way Sara's death could have been prevented without people losing their jobs. He couldn't think of anything but it didn't stop him trying. He opened his eyes slowly and watched the pensive Catherine for a moment.

"What time is it?" She looked up at him startled.

"Um..." She glanced at her watch, "It's a quarter past 4p.m."

He sighed.

"Do you want to make dinner or should I or should we just order out?" She sat contemplating.

"Do you have any cash?"

"No."

"Then you're cooking." Gil laughed and nodded.

"Ok, but you've been warned." She laughed and leaned in towards him. He smirked. She stopped.

"What are you smirking at?" His mouth twitched with suppressed laughter. He shook his head struggling not to laugh. She frowned. This was too much for him, he burst out laughing; Catherine felt bewildered. She asked him what he was laughing at and he just laughed even harder in a sort of desperate halfway hysterical way. She stood up quickly moved over to him and roughly shook his shoulders.

"GIL! CALM DOWN!" His laughter had melted away to tears and her heart broke to see it. She hugged him fiercely. He hung there limply as she held him. He continued to sob and she continued to hug him. After a little while the crying stopped and he just sat there silently; at some point in the crying he'd started to hold her to him and he was still holding her to him, as if she were his grip on his sanity. He let her go after a while and wiped his face. He looked embarrassed.

"Um…I'm going to go get dinner started." He stood up very fast and bee-lined it for the kitchen door before she could say a word. She sat staring at the spot where a second before Gil had sat. She was scared. Never in her life had she seen Gil broken like this. He'd always been the strong one, and now he was the one barely hanging on. It was one of the scariest ideas she'd ever considered. Gil had always been the unbreakable one. Something that could break Gil was something that could destroy the entire grave shift. Gil was the glue that had held them together. All around her the rain kept coming down.

The Wake

Gil sat staring absentmindedly at his drink struggling to avoid his one job here. He'd already refused to give a eulogy, he didn't think he had a right too. He sighed as he heard the dreaded footsteps approaching.

"Mr. Grissom." He turned around to face Laura Sidle, Sara's mother.

"Mrs. Sidle."

"What happened to her? How could she have been killed?" Mrs. Sidle looked to be near tears over her daughter's death. Gil thought about his answer. The truth was he'd been unable to think of one.

"I've been wondering the same thing Ma'm." She stared at him. Seemingly unable to believe that her daughter's supervisor and mentor wouldn't be able to give her a good answer. She looked at him incredulously. He'd simply smiled sadly and given her his condolences. Then he'd walked off to the bar to drink away the loss of his friend. Time to think. That's what he needed. He glanced over at Catherine and caught himself admiring her beauty. He smiled to himself thinking of that night only a few days before when he'd sang several Frank Sinatra songs for her and when they'd kissed for the first time and when they'd made love that night. He'd known that night he never wanted to be without her again. He knew that this seemed cliché but it was true. She felt his eyes on her and caught his gaze. He smiled guiltily, caught in the act. She smiled seductively at him before she was distracted by Lindsey and Miles who were trying to tell her a joke. Apparently the joke was a good one because Gil could hear her laughter from his seat at the opposite end of the bar. He grinned to himself and jumped as Greg thudded his beer down on the bar.

"Hi." Greg muttered. His eyes were red and bleary. He'd been crying.

"Hey Greg. How are you holding up?" Greg stared at him blankly.

"I'm trying not to think." Gil nodded, he understood. Greg was still in shock. They all were. Two days before Sara had been alive and now… she wasn't. None of them really knew how to handle it. Warrick wanted to work, Greg wanted to forget, Catherine wanted to work, Gil wanted to cherish all that he had, Jim wanted to break some skulls, Nick wanted to forget it all and focus on his beautiful girlfriend, and Ecklie wanted his job back. Gil decided to make sure Greg was ok but he didn't know just how too. Greg solved the problem for him.

"We still haven't found Miles' parents or any family. He's not helping either. I don't want him in a foster home or anything like that. I'll take care of him for the meantime is that ok?" He gave Grissom a look that was both pleading and determined. He was going to watch the kid whether Grissom okayed it or not. Gil smiled.

"I think that can be arranged. I know Miles would love that." Greg seemed relieved. He directed his full attention back to his beer allowing Gil to direct his towards his bourbon. Everyone around them was mourning the loss of a friend and none of them knew the secrets her death held.

Regrets

Greg lay unmoving enjoying the darkness and shelter the inside of his eyelids provided. His own little sanctuary, he needed it. His mind had been restless since Sara had been murdered. His dreams afforded no respite, in them he always saw Sara dying again and again, her corpse pointing a finger accusingly at him, blaming him for her death. He hadn't had a chance to help her and he'd known it. He'd tried and it had gotten him a concussion and 9 stitches. He heard small feet approaching him and he cracked his eyes open to see the smiling faces of Miles and Lindsey.

"Yes?" he asked. The two kids shrugged and looked at him mischievously. He returned their look warily.

"What? Do I have stuff on my face?" They shook their heads simultaneously.

"Then what?" They looked at each other smirked and walked away. Greg sat up annoyed and confused completely unaware that the two kids had drawn a purple Hitler mustache on his face along with 1920's giant cartoon villain eyebrows. Greg yawned and scratched his head lazily. He stood up and slouched towards Catherine's kitchen for a cup of coffee and some aspirin. As he stumbled into the kitchen he saw Grissom standing in front of Catherine's stainless steel fridge peering in at the contents.

"Hi." Said Greg mildly. Apparently Grissom hadn't known he was there because he jumped a mile high and hit his head on the inside of Cath's fridge.

"OWWWW!" Moaned Grissom. He rubbed his bruised scalp and turned to face Greg wincing as he touched his head.

"Hi Greg. How'd you sleep?" Greg smiled apologetically.

"Ok I guess. Sorry I didn't mean to startle you."

"Not a problem. Here pitch me some ideas for dinner. I'm cooking." Greg mocked terror.

"AHHH! Grissom cooking! AHHH!" Grissom smiled and mocked threatening Greg with his fist. Greg returned the grin and strode over to the fridge and examined the contents critically.

"Hmmm……… cucumbers, chicken, soy sauce, grape jelly, milk, Tai chili sauce, margarita mix, and eggs. Not much here." Greg murmured. Grissom looked thoughtful as he chewed the inside of his cheek for a moment thinking hard.

"Greg, check the cabinets for vinegar and rice." Greg opened various cabinets and cupboards.

"Aha! Found rice… and apple vinegar…. Will that work?" Grissom grimaced.

"It'll have to do." He grabbed the cucumbers and tossed them to Greg.

"Slice those up. Make sure they're sliced thinly. Also see if you can find some sugar." As he gave orders Gil dashed around the kitchen slicing up the chicken, prepping rice and grabbing various bowls and pans. Greg searched the cabinet above the stove standing on his tiptoes wondering how Catherine could possibly reach it. His questing fingers hit a bag he thought might be sugar; he pulled it out and found himself staring at a bag of kitty litter. He paused to wonder why Catherine had kitty litter if she didn't have a cat. He put the grey bag back and resumed his search finally rewarded by a small plastic container with pure white granulated sugar, which he set on the counter and began slicing up the cucumbers expertly into thin slices. As the knife came down each time it made a loud thud that resounded through Greg's ears reminding him. Reminded him of the loud sickening thud of the lead pipe against Sara's skull. Sweat beaded on his face, Grissom noticed and he looked worried.

"Here, Greg why don't you cook the rice and watch the chicken I'll take care of the cucumbers… you're not slicing them fast enough." Greg immediately dropped the knife and traded places with Grissom. They both knew why Grissom had really switched him jobs and Greg was grateful for it. The sizzling of the chicken browning in the pan covered the sound of the cucumber decapitation taking place at the little island of Catherine's kitchen. Grissom came over to check on Greg's chicken monitoring progress and to steal the vinegar; he didn't look at Greg's face, for which Greg was grateful. He didn't want Grissom to see him crying again, it'd been happening far to often in the past few days. He needed to stop falling apart like this. He stared at the chicken blankly wondering what life as a chicken was like. He wondered what chickens thought about people eating them. He wondered whether they even thought. He wondered anything to keep him from wondering if Sara had felt that pipe smash her skull in.

Across the kitchen Gil worked quickly and efficiently all the while observing Greg's shoulders shaking slightly with repressed sorrow. Gil's heart went out to the younger man's pain. Greg had been closer to Sara than he had. Greg had wanted Sara's affections. Greg had deeper feelings for Sara than any of the other CSI's had. Greg was the one who had seen her die. Gil glanced at the thinly sliced cucumbers marinating in their sauce of vinegar and sugar. A simple yet delicious cucumber salad was the result of these three ingredients. It was the hurried version of a Japanese cucumber salad, which was far better than his hurried version. Though he still liked this way of making it. No mess, no fuss, just delicious. Greg called to him that the rice and chicken were done and Gil nodded more to himself.

"Could you get some plates out?" Gil asked gently.

"How many?"

"Um… let's see… you, me, Cath, Miles, and Linds. So five."

"Okay then." Greg moved automatically. Gil sighed inwardly. Greg had a long road to travel until he was himself again, if ever. Greg moved in a robotic fashion opening cabinets searching for the plates seemingly unaware that he had forgotten to close the incorrect cabinets. Gil smiled sadly to himself remembering a dark time in his life that he'd had the same problem. He let Greg do his thing knowing from experience that Greg would withdraw further if somebody tried to help him. Greg finally found the dark midnight blue dinner plates and pulled out five. He laid them out in a meticulously neat row on the counter and began doling out the rice. Gil moved silently managing to find excuses for closing each door Greg had forgotten to. He removed drinking glasses and serving dishes all the while thinking of the symbolic meaning of opening and closing doors. He knew he would have to be the one to help Greg close the door on the part of his life that held Sara. That was the only way Greg could move on and live a full life. The problem was getting Greg in a safe environment to talk to him in. He set the table and yelled to the house in general that dinner was ready. Two small bundles of energy came flying down the stairs unbelievably fast and Miles jumped the last several in a vain attempt to impress Lindsey. Gil smirked to himself recalling a time when he'd done the same; Miles had jumped about the last seven stairs though, which was terribly stupid, it always sent a semi-painful jolt through your knees. Catherine sauntered in looking highly fearful at the prospect of dinner cooked by Gil. They all grabbed plates and the kids began stuffing their faces with it and after the first few bites they began to have a competition to see who could finish first. Greg ate mechanically in a not really with it manner that made Gil suspect that not only did Greg not know about the marker all over his face but that Greg wasn't tasting the food he was eating. Catherine poked at her chicken nervously and accepted the soy sauce that Gil proffered to her. He watched her calmly. He knew that she'd like the food if only she'd try it. She tentatively put a forkful of chicken and rice into her mouth well aware that Gil was observing her and waiting to see her reaction. She was stunned as the chicken turned out to be superb as was the rice and cucumber salad. Gil could see the surprise in Catherine's face and smirked at her knowing she'd expected to have to resist gagging. Her eye's told him not to say a word and her face said that she loved the food. The two kids had finished their competition with Miles winning by one bite and him throwing his arms in the air in victory at which point Linds poked him the stomach and made him send rice out his nose, which made him squeal indignantly and in pain. Grissom failed miserably at resisting laughter and laughed so hard he started choking on his Guinness. Catherine continued to laugh even as she smacked Gil on the back to clear his airways. He started laughing even harder until his face was bright pink and Miles had finished getting the rice out of his nose and Linds had fallen out of her chair and onto the linoleum floor from laughing. Catherine was struggling not to laugh and failing and Greg was smirking at all of them giggling just a little bit.

"Not funny." Choked Miles. His voice sounded croaky and made Lindsey redouble her laughing. They all laughed at Miles and Gil's expense until their sides hurt and they were falling around crying from laughter. Miles stalked off saying something about Kleenex and Linds sniggered and followed saying something about not wanting to miss a good show.

"Umm…. Is it ok if I used your shower Cath?" Greg muttered not really looking at anything in particular. Catherine smiled sympathetically at Greg. He wasn't himself and she knew exactly why.

"Of course you can Greg. The towels are in the brown oak cabinet in the bathroom."

"Thanks." He wandered off in a vaguely aimless manner and a few minutes later his feet could be heard pounding their way slowly up the stairs. Gil and Cath sat in silence for a few minutes more. Gil stood up and began clearing the dishes, Catherine noticing this immediately began helping. She noticed that everyone even Greg had eaten all their food. She commented on this to Gil who smiled shyly.

"I guess everyone likes chicken."

"This was a really good meal though and you can't just say it was the chicken." She pinned him against the counter reaching around him to put the last plate in the sink. His arms slid smoothly around her waist his hands joined creating a solid barrier around her holding her to him.

"I wasn't going to let the chicken take all the credit." He said mischievously. She wrapped her arms around his neck and stood on tiptoe to kiss him gently. He grinned and bent down to make it a proper passionate kiss. She wound her fingers through his hair and held him there wishing that the moment would last forever. It was something she found herself wishing a lot when she was with Gil.

"Do you want to go for a walk?" He asked suddenly pulling himself about an inch from her mouth. She stared at him incredulously.

"Gil, it's still raining."

"So? A little rain never hurt anyone."

"True. Let me tell the kids and Greg."

"Okay."

"Gil… if I'm going to tell them you need to let me go."

"Damn."

"I'm not going to hide."

"Good. I'm no good at hide and seek." He gave her a little smile and finally released her. She let her hands slide from his hair and from around his neck down to his chest where she pushed herself off of him gently. She left him standing there cursing himself for suggesting something that meant she had to leave his arms. He wanted nothing more than to be with her. Dark thoughts about another woman he'd felt this for threatened to enter his mind and he forced them back shaking his head and wandering into the living room to find his shoes. Cath knocked and then entered Lindsey's room to find Miles and Linds playing with a mouse. It looked like they were playing fetch. They had a little forest green rubber super ball, which they rolled across the floor and watched the mouse retrieve it and roll it back to them. They looked up as Catherine entered and even the mouse looked at her its tiny little eyes asking who the hell she was. Catherine looked at the small grey mouse and then at her daughter and then to Miles then back to the mouse and Miles and Linds looked at each other unsure of what was about to happen. Catherine thought for a moment, she didn't want to ruin the night, which had been going fairly well. She closed her mouth, which had fallen open, and she thought of something to say to this strange spectacle.

"Gil and I are going for a walk… don't burn down the house." With that she turned around and closed the door leaving two very stunned and relieved children and one very confused mouse, which was still wondering why it felt compelled to keep returning the ball to these two humans. Catherine could just hear Miles muttering to Lindsey.

"Your mom is cool." She could hear Lindsey's surprised and nervous giggle in reply. She smiled to herself and shook her head making her way down the dimly lit hall and knocking on the bathroom door.

"Greg, Gil and I are going for a walk. Linds and Miles are in Lindsey's room. Help yourself to anything ok?" It took Greg a minute to respond and when he did it was a simple dejected.

"Ok. Have fun." She sighed to herself and walked down the stairs to where Gil was smiling warmly at her and holding out her jacket. She gave him her special smile she reserved for him alone and accepted the jacket and arm in arm the walked out into the rain.

Pondering

Greg let the hot water cascade down his frame as he leaned against the tiled wall of the shower. His eyes were closed and his breathing was heavy. Water ran down his face and not all of it was shower water. He was facing the wall the backs of his arms against the wall his head resting in them. He didn't want to think about Sara but he knew he had to. He didn't know how long he stood there. He wasn't sure when the water went iced cold. He didn't notice the goosebumps crawling all over his body and he hardly heard the soft knock that came at the door.

"Greg?" It sounded like Grissom and it sounded miles away from him. He opened his eyes and the dim light in the shower looked weird to him. He blinked a few times and looked toward the curtain of the stand up shower. It was dark blue and he couldn't see anything through it.

"Greg?" Came Grissom's worried voice again.

"Yeah?" Croaked Greg, his voice sounding weird to his own ears.

"Look can I come in?" Grissom sounded concerned and something else that Greg couldn't place. Greg made sure the curtain was firmly closed.

"Yeah." He heard the door open a moment later and then close another moment after that. He heard Grissom find a perch on the sink and he heard the concern in his friends voice as he began to speak.

"Greg… we need to talk. It's been two weeks and you need to accept her death." Greg clenched his eyes shut again and struggled in vain to hold back the tears.

"I know you were closer to her than anyone else was but you need to accept that she's gone. There is nothing that can bring her back." The words resounded in Greg's ears and the water seemed as loud as waterfall. Greg turned around his back to the shower wall and he slid down the wall sitting at the base curling his legs up to his chest and resting his head against the shower wall. He was crying. He knew Grissom could hear him. He knew Grissom was worried. He knew that he'd never hear Sara scold him again. He'd never see her look of disbelief as he did his swami routine or made an off color comment. She was gone.

"I know she's gone. I just don't want to accept it. I don't want to think I'll never get shot down by her again. I don't want to go to work and see her empty locker. I don't want to know she's…" He paused, "I don't want to know that she's… dead." I know she is but I just don't want to believe it. I don't want to do this anymore." Gil listened silently.

"Do you want a transfer?" He didn't want to lose Greg at the lab but if it was what Greg wanted then who was he to deny it to him.

"No." Was Greg's response.

"Then what do you mean…" Then it hit Gil like a ton of bricks. Greg voiced what Gil had just realized and scared Gil to no end.

"Last week I was my apartment to get some clothes and stuff. I was in my room. I have this antique hunting knife my grandfather gave me. I almost cut myself. God how I wanted to. Do you know what stopped me?" Greg was smiling into the shower water. Gil shook his head then realized that Greg couldn't see him and forced his voice to work.

"No." Greg continued to smile into the showering icy water.

"The fact that Miles was waiting for me in the living room listening to my Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon cd. That's what. I don't want that kid to lose somebody else he trusts. I can tell he's lost people before. I can't do that to him too." Gil could feel the blood draining from his face. He'd not known Greg was in this bad of a mental state.

"Greg… I know it may not seem like it but life is still worth living, and I don't mean for someone else. But for yourself." Greg felt a stab of anger. Where did Grissom get off giving him advice?

"You don't understand. When I saw that knife I started to slice my wrists apart… that's why I've been wearing long sleeved shirts. If Miles hadn't been there I'd have done it." As he spoke the little smile widened and he ran his fingers over the cut on his left wrist that was starting to heal. Gil sighed inwardly. He had hoped he wouldn't have to tell Greg this.

"Look I do understand. There was a time I was sitting where you are." He took a deep shaky breath and continued unaware that Catherine was standing outside the door listening to everything he and Greg said.

"When I was in college I dated a girl named Liz. She was smart, funny, and beautiful. She and I had met in high school and danced around having a relationship until college. Her brother was my best friend, which was why I hadn't asked her out. But finally she asked me out for a drink and I gave in. That was the beginning. We dated happily until we were 25 and finishing our doctorate work. Liz got pregnant." Catherine heard this and felt as if her heart had stopped. Greg heard this and the little smile, which had been fading since Grissom had begun his story completely faded.

"What happened?" He asked. Gil swallowed hard looking up to the ceiling blinking back tears he'd thought he'd long ago finished shedding.

"She was about seven months along. It was the week before I had planned to propose to her. She was going to get some coffee after class with a friend of ours, Tom Marconny, and they saw a woman being sexually assaulted by this guy off in an alley just off the sidewalk. Liz tried to get him off the woman and before Tom could help, the bastard stabbed her. He ran off… the woman who Liz had saved went to get help and Tom tried to stop the bleeding. Tom was an EMT and he managed to keep her alive until the ambulance got there. She even made it to the hospital…" Gil's voice broke and at the same time Catherine wanted to burst in there and hold Gil, to make his pain go away. Greg sat now avidly listening, he didn't interrupt as Gil took another shaky breath and continued.

"She didn't make it out of surgery. The guy had stabbed her in the heart. She died four hours after he stabbed her. I didn't get to say goodbye. I didn't get to be with her in her last moments. She died on the operating table due to too much stress on the brain… anesthesia didn't work with Liz… she still felt it all. The pain from the wound and the surgery stressed her mind out too much and she died. The baby was removed and it was put into incubation. I got there after Liz died. I wanted to see our child. I was told its lungs weren't formed enough and that it would die. I wanted to hold my baby. She had a name and I got to at least meet her." Gil's voice broke again. Tears rolled silently down his face getting lost in his beard.

"My daughter's name was Rose Marie Grissom. She was so tiny when I saw her. She was crying when I first saw her. They let me hold her and she stopped crying. She was so beautiful." Grissom's face turned to the ceiling and he wondered not for the first time why those terrible events had had to happen. His voice cracked and was thick with sorrow, tears, and fatherly pride as he continued. " She opened her eyes and saw me. She didn't have blue eyes like most babies do. She had her mother's warm grey eyes. She had my curly hair though." He let out a watery laugh in recollection. Catherine sat outside the door crying silently for Gil's loss. Greg sat solemnly absorbing this new information and wondering why Grissom had never told any of them. Gil sniffed and looked down at his clasped hands. His voice was softer now and laced with pain. "I even got to see her smile as I told her that I would take care of her and that when she was older I'd take her to the park and to the zoo. That when she was a teenager I'd screen all her boyfriends and be a pain in the ass overly protective father." The tears streamed down Gil's face leaving hot salty trails and his voice died as he began the final part of his story. "But we both know that didn't happen. She died. She was tough but not tough enough. She was a week old when she died. Her lungs gave out even though they had her hooked up to a ventilator. Rose and Liz's deaths are what made me become a CSI. I had previously planned to stick only to entomological work but I wanted to get their killer. It was that bastard's fault that they died. They never found him, that was the darkest chapter of my life. It's one I never wanted to remember, but never stops following me around. I can't forget it. It's just not possible. I almost killed myself. I wanted to. I didn't want to face life without Liz, without my daughter. But I didn't… a friend pulled me back and stopped me. He got me to the hospital before I could die. At first I hated him for it. He told me that he couldn't save Liz but he sure as well wasn't gonna let me die too. Tom blamed himself for Liz's death as well as Rose's. He'd lost his sister and his niece but he wasn't going to lose his best friend too. Tom was Liz's sister and my best friend. He was a pacifist who liked to talk things out. He found me when I shot myself and he saved my life. He helped me find a reason to live and I thank him for that everyday of my life." Gil fell silent and Greg spoke after a few minutes.

"So what happened to Tom? You keep using past tense." Gil was quiet for a moment.

"He killed himself. I couldn't save him like he saved me. His pain was different. He couldn't handle it all. Liz and Rose weren't why he did it. Neither was my stupidity. It was all of it plus his parents disowning him. They found out he was gay. They told him to get out of their house and never come back. I only know because I was at the house when he told them. He left and went home. He slit his wrists in the tub. I found him." Gil's voice choked up again. Greg stared at the wall, he felt terribly conflicted. He had no idea of anything anymore. All he knew was pain. Catherine sat by the door stunned by what she had learned and loving Gil more than she'd ever thought possible.

End Chapters 1-2

I'll get the next chapter up in a few days