1 Hyrule: Caught On Camera
A fic by Sheik
Disclaimer: Do I own Zelda? No. Do I own this fic? Yes. There is a biiiiiig difference there! And also, if you think I stole your idea, I didn't! This is my fic thought up by me alone. So please don't get mad thinking that I copied! Okay, that's really redundant. Oh well. -_-'
¤ We see a big studio, illuminated only by a huge television screen. An audience is dimly visible in the glow from the screen. A lone figure walks out onto the stage in front of the screen, and a spotlight appears on it, accompanied by applause from the audience. ¤
Figure: Hello, and welcome to the debut of the newest in Hylian entertainment! I'm your host, Saria. Thank you for tuning in to "Hyrule: Caught on Camera!" and thanks to our live studio audience, whom out of courtesy and all-out niceness, have paid big bucks to see something they have no clue about!
Audience: (applause)
Saria: Now, let's begin. Tonight's show will be basically explaining the rules, the theme, and the whole point of the show even existing.
¤ Crashes and other various violent sounds can be heard, as well as a high- pitched voice saying: "It's not fair! How come he gets to participate!? He always does everything...I don't even……a little consideration!"
Audience: (silence)
Saria: Ahem, now why don't we get started with the show?
Audience: (applause)
¤ The screen lights up, revealing a blue background with a picture of a video camera slowly revolving in the center of the screen. Saria picks up one of those clicker things that meteorologists use to change the weather maps when predicting the weather, and begins ¤
Saria: Now, this show is going to revolve around this little piece of equipment: a home video recorder. Each one of our contestants has one week and a one-hour tape to make a kind of mini-movie, of whatever and in whatever style they want. At the end of the entire show, you, as the viewers, vote on the best one and the winner gets a secret mystery prize! Of course, this is only the basic frame of the show. You can bet on seeing some surprising twists in the show!
¤ She pushes a button on the clicker, and the camera disappears. ¤
Saria: It's time for our first commercial break, so don't touch that dial! We'll be right back on "Hyrule: Caught on Camera!"
¤ The lights fade in the studio and the screen goes blank for a moment, and then fades in on a beautiful, quiet Hylian morning, the early mist just clearing. Suddenly the serenity is shattered by the sounds of hoofs pounding. A few moments later, we see a poe screeching and shooting flames at something behind it while speeding around for all it's worth, with an Adult Link mounted on Epona in hot pursuit. ¤
Link: YAHAAA! I got you now, you little pest!
¤ Link hits the unfortunate being with two arrows, then dismounting, scoops it up into a bottle. Link looks at the camera and begins to talk to it in the style of those old commercials that we never see anymore. ¤
Link: Oh, hello there! If you're like me, then there's nothing you hate worse than a huge poe disrupting your family time by burning your house down or killing your cuccos. If that's the case, then you need Poe-B-Gon!
¤ Link holds up a huge, brightly-colored bottle. Malon walks onto the scene holding a spray bottle of the same description. ¤
Malon: That's right, Link! Poe-B-Gon is a real miracle-worker around the ranch! And in this convenient, easy-to-use spray bottle, why, anyone could use it!
Link: This miracle-working solution takes care of all your poe-related problems! Poe-B-Gon is a powerful poe repellent that works like this: Simply sprinkle it around the edge of your home, or anywhere that you don't want poes, and POOF! Your poe problems are solved! Take it from me, the Hero of Time: You'll wish you had this the next time a poe burns your home to the ground!
Malon: So until next time,
Link: When we come back, we'll have even more great stuff from Hyrule's Family Company: Dangerous Life-saving Products, Inc.!
Both: See ya!
¤ As the screen fades, we hear a fast voice stating that fine-print stuff that we always hear in car dealership commercials. ¤
Fine-Print Voice: donotusepoebgoninpoorlyventilatedareas. Donotuseonclothing. Donotuseonactuallivingbeings. Poebgonisnotreponsbleforsuchsdeeffectsas-carbonmonox- idepoisoning, anykindofcancer, leukemia, blindness, andsevereburnsfromuseonun- protectedskin.
¤ The screen goes blank again, then fades in on the studio as the audience is (yet again) applauding. By this point there is a plush red couch on stage, slightly diagonal to both the studio audience and the screen. Saria, seated on this couch, is sipping a glass of water. Upon receiving her queue, she sets down the water and addresses both the audience and the camera. ¤
Saria: Hello, and welcome back to "Hyrule: Caught on Camera!" I'm your host, Saria. Before our break, we went over the basic plot of the show. But every show needs rules, or otherwise the show is nothing but madness and unchecked idiocy. Therefore, we have rules.
Audience: Aaaawww…
Saria: Oh, come now: the rules only make the show more interesting!
Audience: (Silence. This basically means, "Yeah, right.")
Saria: Okay, then! We'll just get started.
¤ She picks up the clicker and pushes a button on it. The screen instantly becomes a virtual blackboard, displaying each additional rule as Saria pushes buttons on the clicker each time she discusses a rule. ¤
Saria:
First, the contestant must have all the tape filled: no more and no less. If that happened, the show would go all weird and the network would get mad at us for poor scheduling.
Second, the contestant must be the only person in control of the camera. Contestants are allowed to film themselves, though. They are also allowed to use a tripod, as long as there is not another person controlling the camera. The tripod, however, is not included.
Third, no destroying the camera for the sake of entertainment. This equipment is rented, and the network is on tight scheduling. If you do decide to wreck it, even though you are breaking the rules, you must pay for it. No exceptions, except when it was destroyed by someone else. Then they must pay for it. You get the idea.
¤ Saria puts down the clicker, takes a sip of water, and continues. ¤
Saria: Now, it's finally that time: Time to meet our first contestant. He's seventeen years old, single, and great with a sword. He's none other than the Hero of Time, Link!
¤ The audience roars as Link walks out onto the stage, followed by a floating, glowing bottle. Obviously Navi had been getting into trouble and Link was fed up. A shower of roses, flowers, and (strangely enough) T- shirts rain down on Link as he takes his seat next to Saria on the couch. ¤
Saria: Hello, Link! Thank you for joining us!
Link: I'm glad to be here. Um…what's with the T-shirts?
Saria: I think they were selling them out front. I guess the slogan was too catchy and it got old really fast, like all catchy T-shirt slogans. But anyway, are you ready to participate in…..
¤ Saria signals to a guy holding queue cards. He holds them up as Saria signals to the audience that they should read off the cards. ¤
Audience: HYRULE: CAUGHT ON CAMERA! YAAAAAY!
¤ The audience goes crazy, applauding and cat-calling and screaming. ¤
Saria: (trying to calm the crazed audience down) Hey….settle down now…oh, come on! Please?
Saria and Link: SHUT UP!!!!!!!
Audience: (dumbstruck silence)
Saria: Thank you. Now, Link, are you?
Link: Am I what?
Saria: Ready? Are you ready?
Link: Ready for what???
Saria: Aarrgh! Are you ready to participate in the show?
Link: Huh? Oh, yeah! That. Yeah, I guess I'm ready.
Saria: Good. Guys?
¤ A bunch of stagehands come out holding a big black duffel bag with a silver triforce with a video camera in the center screen-printed on the side. They hand it to Link, who immediately upon receiving the parcel begins to tear it open. He seemingly forgot that it has a zipper. Saria stops him just in time. ¤
Saria: Hold on there, Link! You are not allowed to open that bag until dawn tomorrow. The beginning of your week with the camera begins then. The bag has everything you need: A user's manual for the camera, a rulebook, and a video camera in another bag. The tape is already loaded inside to prevent…erm…technical difficulties. Any questions?
Link: Uh…no.
Saria: Good! Now take this home and DO NOT open it until DAWN tomorrow!
Link: How will you know?
Saria: The date and time displays on the video. There is no way to reset them or remove them. Good luck!
Link: Well, okay…uh…….
¤ Before he can finish his sentiment, Link is ushered off the stage by two burly rule-enforcer guys. As he is being practically shoved along, Link is met with more cheers and more T-shirts. ¤
Saria: Well, that's all for this episode! So until next week, I'm your host, Saria, telling you to watch out: You might get….
Audience: CAUGHT ON CAMERA!!!! WAHOOOOO!!!
¤ The audience is going mad again, and Saria is being escorted offstage by four Burly Rule-Enforcer Guys, while yet more of them are breaking up the fight that has started and more are escorting, or throwing to be more exact, people outside. We hear the HCOC theme song play as the screen goes blank. We see some credits go by, and the show is over. ¤
A fic by Sheik
Disclaimer: Do I own Zelda? No. Do I own this fic? Yes. There is a biiiiiig difference there! And also, if you think I stole your idea, I didn't! This is my fic thought up by me alone. So please don't get mad thinking that I copied! Okay, that's really redundant. Oh well. -_-'
¤ We see a big studio, illuminated only by a huge television screen. An audience is dimly visible in the glow from the screen. A lone figure walks out onto the stage in front of the screen, and a spotlight appears on it, accompanied by applause from the audience. ¤
Figure: Hello, and welcome to the debut of the newest in Hylian entertainment! I'm your host, Saria. Thank you for tuning in to "Hyrule: Caught on Camera!" and thanks to our live studio audience, whom out of courtesy and all-out niceness, have paid big bucks to see something they have no clue about!
Audience: (applause)
Saria: Now, let's begin. Tonight's show will be basically explaining the rules, the theme, and the whole point of the show even existing.
¤ Crashes and other various violent sounds can be heard, as well as a high- pitched voice saying: "It's not fair! How come he gets to participate!? He always does everything...I don't even……a little consideration!"
Audience: (silence)
Saria: Ahem, now why don't we get started with the show?
Audience: (applause)
¤ The screen lights up, revealing a blue background with a picture of a video camera slowly revolving in the center of the screen. Saria picks up one of those clicker things that meteorologists use to change the weather maps when predicting the weather, and begins ¤
Saria: Now, this show is going to revolve around this little piece of equipment: a home video recorder. Each one of our contestants has one week and a one-hour tape to make a kind of mini-movie, of whatever and in whatever style they want. At the end of the entire show, you, as the viewers, vote on the best one and the winner gets a secret mystery prize! Of course, this is only the basic frame of the show. You can bet on seeing some surprising twists in the show!
¤ She pushes a button on the clicker, and the camera disappears. ¤
Saria: It's time for our first commercial break, so don't touch that dial! We'll be right back on "Hyrule: Caught on Camera!"
¤ The lights fade in the studio and the screen goes blank for a moment, and then fades in on a beautiful, quiet Hylian morning, the early mist just clearing. Suddenly the serenity is shattered by the sounds of hoofs pounding. A few moments later, we see a poe screeching and shooting flames at something behind it while speeding around for all it's worth, with an Adult Link mounted on Epona in hot pursuit. ¤
Link: YAHAAA! I got you now, you little pest!
¤ Link hits the unfortunate being with two arrows, then dismounting, scoops it up into a bottle. Link looks at the camera and begins to talk to it in the style of those old commercials that we never see anymore. ¤
Link: Oh, hello there! If you're like me, then there's nothing you hate worse than a huge poe disrupting your family time by burning your house down or killing your cuccos. If that's the case, then you need Poe-B-Gon!
¤ Link holds up a huge, brightly-colored bottle. Malon walks onto the scene holding a spray bottle of the same description. ¤
Malon: That's right, Link! Poe-B-Gon is a real miracle-worker around the ranch! And in this convenient, easy-to-use spray bottle, why, anyone could use it!
Link: This miracle-working solution takes care of all your poe-related problems! Poe-B-Gon is a powerful poe repellent that works like this: Simply sprinkle it around the edge of your home, or anywhere that you don't want poes, and POOF! Your poe problems are solved! Take it from me, the Hero of Time: You'll wish you had this the next time a poe burns your home to the ground!
Malon: So until next time,
Link: When we come back, we'll have even more great stuff from Hyrule's Family Company: Dangerous Life-saving Products, Inc.!
Both: See ya!
¤ As the screen fades, we hear a fast voice stating that fine-print stuff that we always hear in car dealership commercials. ¤
Fine-Print Voice: donotusepoebgoninpoorlyventilatedareas. Donotuseonclothing. Donotuseonactuallivingbeings. Poebgonisnotreponsbleforsuchsdeeffectsas-carbonmonox- idepoisoning, anykindofcancer, leukemia, blindness, andsevereburnsfromuseonun- protectedskin.
¤ The screen goes blank again, then fades in on the studio as the audience is (yet again) applauding. By this point there is a plush red couch on stage, slightly diagonal to both the studio audience and the screen. Saria, seated on this couch, is sipping a glass of water. Upon receiving her queue, she sets down the water and addresses both the audience and the camera. ¤
Saria: Hello, and welcome back to "Hyrule: Caught on Camera!" I'm your host, Saria. Before our break, we went over the basic plot of the show. But every show needs rules, or otherwise the show is nothing but madness and unchecked idiocy. Therefore, we have rules.
Audience: Aaaawww…
Saria: Oh, come now: the rules only make the show more interesting!
Audience: (Silence. This basically means, "Yeah, right.")
Saria: Okay, then! We'll just get started.
¤ She picks up the clicker and pushes a button on it. The screen instantly becomes a virtual blackboard, displaying each additional rule as Saria pushes buttons on the clicker each time she discusses a rule. ¤
Saria:
First, the contestant must have all the tape filled: no more and no less. If that happened, the show would go all weird and the network would get mad at us for poor scheduling.
Second, the contestant must be the only person in control of the camera. Contestants are allowed to film themselves, though. They are also allowed to use a tripod, as long as there is not another person controlling the camera. The tripod, however, is not included.
Third, no destroying the camera for the sake of entertainment. This equipment is rented, and the network is on tight scheduling. If you do decide to wreck it, even though you are breaking the rules, you must pay for it. No exceptions, except when it was destroyed by someone else. Then they must pay for it. You get the idea.
¤ Saria puts down the clicker, takes a sip of water, and continues. ¤
Saria: Now, it's finally that time: Time to meet our first contestant. He's seventeen years old, single, and great with a sword. He's none other than the Hero of Time, Link!
¤ The audience roars as Link walks out onto the stage, followed by a floating, glowing bottle. Obviously Navi had been getting into trouble and Link was fed up. A shower of roses, flowers, and (strangely enough) T- shirts rain down on Link as he takes his seat next to Saria on the couch. ¤
Saria: Hello, Link! Thank you for joining us!
Link: I'm glad to be here. Um…what's with the T-shirts?
Saria: I think they were selling them out front. I guess the slogan was too catchy and it got old really fast, like all catchy T-shirt slogans. But anyway, are you ready to participate in…..
¤ Saria signals to a guy holding queue cards. He holds them up as Saria signals to the audience that they should read off the cards. ¤
Audience: HYRULE: CAUGHT ON CAMERA! YAAAAAY!
¤ The audience goes crazy, applauding and cat-calling and screaming. ¤
Saria: (trying to calm the crazed audience down) Hey….settle down now…oh, come on! Please?
Saria and Link: SHUT UP!!!!!!!
Audience: (dumbstruck silence)
Saria: Thank you. Now, Link, are you?
Link: Am I what?
Saria: Ready? Are you ready?
Link: Ready for what???
Saria: Aarrgh! Are you ready to participate in the show?
Link: Huh? Oh, yeah! That. Yeah, I guess I'm ready.
Saria: Good. Guys?
¤ A bunch of stagehands come out holding a big black duffel bag with a silver triforce with a video camera in the center screen-printed on the side. They hand it to Link, who immediately upon receiving the parcel begins to tear it open. He seemingly forgot that it has a zipper. Saria stops him just in time. ¤
Saria: Hold on there, Link! You are not allowed to open that bag until dawn tomorrow. The beginning of your week with the camera begins then. The bag has everything you need: A user's manual for the camera, a rulebook, and a video camera in another bag. The tape is already loaded inside to prevent…erm…technical difficulties. Any questions?
Link: Uh…no.
Saria: Good! Now take this home and DO NOT open it until DAWN tomorrow!
Link: How will you know?
Saria: The date and time displays on the video. There is no way to reset them or remove them. Good luck!
Link: Well, okay…uh…….
¤ Before he can finish his sentiment, Link is ushered off the stage by two burly rule-enforcer guys. As he is being practically shoved along, Link is met with more cheers and more T-shirts. ¤
Saria: Well, that's all for this episode! So until next week, I'm your host, Saria, telling you to watch out: You might get….
Audience: CAUGHT ON CAMERA!!!! WAHOOOOO!!!
¤ The audience is going mad again, and Saria is being escorted offstage by four Burly Rule-Enforcer Guys, while yet more of them are breaking up the fight that has started and more are escorting, or throwing to be more exact, people outside. We hear the HCOC theme song play as the screen goes blank. We see some credits go by, and the show is over. ¤