And Don't You Dare Be Late
She sat alone in a booth near the door. Her hands were clasped tightly on the table. She stared at them intently though her thoughts were far away. For the first hour, her head snapped up eagerly every time the door opened. So now she stared at her hands, forcing herself to stop.
Her indomitable will may have allowed her to still herself, but she couldn't stop her heart from leaping each and every time someone entered the club. She felt a fool. It was ten o'clock and she knew she should leave. She knew she should never have come. And now she knew she couldn't trust her legs to hold her. So she sat, feeling her heart crash lower and lower every time it jumped at nothing.
The door opened and there was a buzz of energy. It moved through the crowd like a wave as the individual walked further inside. She clenched her hands and stared a bit harder. Her stomach dropped through the floor because she knew who would create such a stir; Her heart accompanied it because she knew it wasn't him.
The man must have found an employee because she heard a muffled inquiry for "Miss Carter". She closed her eyes and sent off a quick prayer that there was a different "Miss Carter" in attendance. Unfortunately, God seemed to be keeping with his current habit of ignoring her pleas, no matter how desperate.
She didn't look up as Howard slid into the booth across from her. He flagged down a server and ordered two drinks. They sat in silence as they waited. The drinks arrived faster than usual due to who it was that ordered them. She kept her eyes on the table as he pushed the drink over to her. As the sharp smell of alcohol hit her nose, she made a sound in her throat the would have been a laugh if it held any mirth. Of course Stark would have no qualms about getting her something far stronger that it was acceptable for a woman to be drinking.
"What are you doing here, Peggy?" He asked in a matter of fact way that made it very clear he knew the answer.
She fiddled with her glass, still not looking up. Those eyes that always looked like they knew what you were thinking before you did were exactly what she didn't need right now. She didn't answer him.
He didn't say anything as he drank his scotch until it was gone. It was quite possibly the longest bit of time Howard had ever kept his mouth shut. She could applaud. But it couldn't last.
"Peg-" She cut him off, making eye contact for the first time.
"Unless you're about to tell me you've found him, I don't want to hear it." She said shortly, hardly above a whisper, in as level a voice as she could manage.
"You think if I did I'd be here alone?" Howard spoke the rhetorical question flatly.
She held his gaze a moment longer before looking back to her drink. She was right, not something she needed right now. She took a long swallow of the warming liquid. She didn't want him to be here. She didn't want to be here herself. She wanted... She didn't know what she wanted.
No. That was a lie. She wanted to turn back the clocks. She wanted to tell Steve not to jump on Schmidt's plane. To tell him that she didn't care about the stupid war. That Hydra could bomb the whole damn world as long as she'd be able to look up from the crystal in her hands and see his innocent blue eyes and his contented little smile. She wanted... She wanted all that to be true. But it wasn't. That's not who she is. That's not who he is.
Was.
That's what she wanted more than anything. For the man sitting across from her to not be on body-retrieval. Anything else. Honestly, you could drown in the irony of the world's symbol of hope literally being lost. And instead she's sitting here with—
"Carter." He spoke more sharply than usual; He'd obviously called her multiple times. "Peggy," Howard started again. "What are you doing here." His voice was soft this time.
She waived for another drink, not answering. When it came, she grabbed the waiter's arm, downed the scotch in a gulp, pushed the glass back into his hand, and signaled for a third.
"Slow down there, little lady." Howard said, with a laugh that was more concerned than amused.
"The world just lost a great hero—" Peggy started with the scripted response, but didn't get far.
"Can it, Major." He spoke bluntly but not unkindly. "With all due respect, this isn't about the world. And frankly, I'm offended you'd try and get that load of horse shit past me."
Peggy looked up then; Looked him in the eyes honestly. She let him see everything that was going on behind them. God knows why. Maybe she hoped it make him leave. She should have known better. Being Howard, he didn't even look away. He scrunched his face up some the way he did when he was working out some equation or puzzle.
"This isn't what he'd have wanted." He spoke abruptly and just a touch to quickly, like he wanted to get the words out and spoken.
"Howard..." She said in a quiet warning tone.
"Steve died for—" He started.
"Howard, don't." She said, still quietly but much more forcefully.
"No I will not 'don't'," He said rather loudly. He lowered his voice to continue. "Do you think it is? You think he did what he did so you could spend your life waiting for something that will never come?"
Peggy glared at him. It was easier when he played his usual oblivious arrogance routine. It was easier to be angry with him.
"I refuse to let you sit here and wallow in your misery. There are tasks to attend to for the SSR. Things that only you can deal with Major Carter." Her third drink came but he snatched it before she could. He tossed the drink back and set the glass down with a clatter. "Wouldn't do for you to show up hung-over, now would it."
She continued to stare at him angrily. He had always been one of the few people impervious to her glares. And now, even though she was channeling all the pain and hurt and anger inside her into rage at him, he continued unfaltering.
"I forbid you, on the Captain's behalf, to sit here and waste your time in the past." He leaned forward, increasing the intensity of the eye contact. "Let me know if you think he'd disapprove." Peggy held his gaze silently. "I thought not." Howard stood and looked expectantly at her. "Now get up and stand straight because you represent him more than anyone else, in the public eye.'
She stared at him a moment longer torn between obeying him or strangling him. If she didn't know he mourned Steve himself, she likely wouldn't have been able to resist the latter impulse. But now her rage was burning out. So she stood.
"That's more like it." He said with a head cock and a smirk. "That man didn't die in vain and you and I are going to make sure of it. Now come on, we've got a war to win." He turned and walked away without looking to see if she followed.
After only a moment's hesitation, she did follow. She was Agent Peggy bloody Carter and she hadn't worked as hard as she had to get to that position to let it slip away in self pity now. It didn't matter how many broken, agonizing pieces she was in on the inside. It didn't matter that she deserved time to mourn damn it. The people needed hope. Their symbol just sacrificed himself to save them all, but hope couldn't be allowed to die in that frozen sea. Her pain and loss didn't matter. Not in the slightest. She had to take a page from Steve's book: This was bigger than her.
So she followed. She put on her military face to mask the shattered woman inside and she followed. With her head high. They had a war to win, she told herself. And a death to venge.