Disclaimer: So school ended yesterday. I'm going to take my two kids and we're going in search of Eros so that I can ask him to give me Lestrade. Maybe we'll find him before my birthday in June and then he'll gift me with the best birthday present. I shall keep you abreast of the situation and our travels. For now, I am still single (no Lestrade or any other Sherlock characters) and poor (I don't make any money off of my stories…yet).
A/N: Last Sunday as we were driving to church I had this errant thought. As quite a few of my thoughts go it snowballed. Now I have a story from a passing, errant thought. This isn't a crossover and while it's part of the Honey 'Verse it has nothing to do with any of those stories and has no real place in the timeline. Could be anywhere after John comes back from Afghanistan. It's just a silly bit of fiction that I hope you all get a laugh out of. Let me know.
Who's a Hobbit?
John glanced over at the long, sleek, black car pulling up to the curb next to him and sighed. It was far too hot and he was far too tired from chasing after some burglary suspect half the night to deal with Mycroft today.
Still it was a hot day, for London, and he was tired and the shopping bags were heavy. Mycroft would drop him at the flat at the very least and Bryce would carry the bags up the stairs. He weighed the pros and cons for a moment before he finally stopped walking and turned to stare at the tinted windows.
The back door of the car opened and A's head poked out. "Good afternoon, John. Need a lift?"
"Mmm," John hummed and took the two steps needed to stand by the door. "No Mycroft today, then?"
A gave him a bright smile. "No," she settled back into the backwards facing seat and started typing on her BlackBerry. "He's in a meeting but he was muttering about insensitive sociopaths and ordered me to give you a lift home."
John shook his head and set the bags on the floorboard before sitting in the seat facing her. "We were out of milk and I can't stand tea without it. Sherlock's still asleep. Afternoon, Bryce." He called up to the driver.
"Afternoon, John," the driver called back and pulled away from the curb.
John looked over at his preoccupied companion. "So what is our name today, A? Something intriguing?"
A lifted a brow at her BlackBerry and a slow smile crossed her face. "I was thinking of Arwen," she told him.
John chuckled. "Really?" He asked. "Feeling a bit hobbitish today, Arwen?"
A joined in his amusement. "If anyone is a hobbit it would have to be you, John." She looked up from her BlackBerry and showed off her dimples in a grin.
John affected a wounded look and put one hand over his heart. "I'm hurt Arwen, really. Why ever would you think I'm like a hobbit?"
A's smile didn't dim an iota even as she turned her attention back to her BlackBerry. "Well, you're short and cuddly and you get grumpy when you don't eat and you chase after a madman, just like Bilbo. And you're kind like Samwise."
John wasn't sure if he should be flattered or put out. "I…thank you, Arwen. But I've never actually seen you as an Arwen. She's far to tame for you."
"Really?" She murmured. "Then who do you see me as?"
For a moment there was only silence in the back of the car as he contemplated her. "Eowyn, I think. Pretty and quiet but with a warrior hidden underneath."
A light pink flush tinted A's cheeks and her fingers faltered. "Thank you, John," she said quietly. There was silence in the car again for a few blocks. "Mycroft's Elrond," she said suddenly.
John let out a loud laugh. "Yes, yes he is." He snickered and shook his head at the thought of Mycroft in some of Elrond's outfits. "Bryce would be Merry or Pippin, don't you think?"
A cocked her head to the side and stared at her BlackBerry. "Yes, I do believe you're correct. Lestrade's got to be Legolas though."
John's eyes widened in surprise. "Legolas?" He questioned. "Why Legolas? I think he'd be more Thorin Oakenshield."
"No, no, far too gruff and uncompromising to be Detective Inspector Gregory Lestrade. Sure Lestrade's weighted down by the concerns of the world but he's far more capable of adapting to any situation smoothly and with a minimum of
fuss. Lestrade is Legolas. Besides he'd look very nice in a tunic and tights."
John laughed helplessly again. "I am never telling him you said that."
A's brown eyes sparkled. "Thanks. Mrs. Hudson's Samwise Gamgee, you know."
"That one goes without saying, Arwen. She's far too much of a worrier to be anyone else. Sgt. Sally's Gimli."
A burst into unrestrained laughter and had to set her BlackBerry down on her lap because her hands were shaking with her laughs. "Yes, John. Oh, that was very good. I don't think I've laughed that hard in ages." She finally gasped out.
"Glad I could amuse you," John giggled. "But it's so true. Who would Anderson be do you think?"
A frowned. "Saruman," she hissed. "He's a traitor, a cad and an all-around pain in the ass, John. That one was a given."
"True," John acknowledged. "Sorry. Anyway…" he paused searching for something to end the awkward silence that the interior of the car had fallen into. "What about Sherlock? What Tolkien character is Sherlock?"
A glanced at him and then looked back down to her BlackBerry. Her brow furrowed in thought. "I truly have no idea. I'll have to think on it some more."
John smirked and then thought about his own question and frowned. "You know you're right? He doesn't fit any of them does he?"
A shook her head with a small smile. "We're here, Mr. Bilbo, sir," Bryce called to him from the driver's seat and the car stopped in front of 221B Baker St.
John glared at him half-heartedly before shoving the door open and stepping onto the sidewalk. He turned to gather the shopping only to bump into A as she followed him out of the car carrying two of the bags. "Thanks, Arwen," he said. He gathered the rest of the bags and shut the car door. "I'll make you a cup of tea upstairs?"
"Yes, thank you, John," she responded to his questioning tone. "I want to have a look at Sherlock and see if that helps me decide who he is."
John snorted. "I doubt it will. Besides Legolas there aren't really any stunningly beautiful characters. Well, Galadriel but Sherlock's far too arrogant and unkind to be her."
"I suppose he could be Gandalf," A mused as she followed him through the front door. "He's manipulative enough, but I just don't see it."
They took the seventeen stairs up to the flat in silence as they both considered the issue. "He could be one of the dwarves, I guess," John finally said. "But it still doesn't feel right."
"Mmm," A agreed.
They set the bags on the table and A sat down, placing her elbow carefully between two petri dishes. John filled the kettle and started unpacking. "The answer is right there," John grumbled. "I just can't quite reach it."
"I
know," A groaned.
"I would think the answer was rather obvious," Sherlock said sleepily as he stumbled into the kitchen and kissed John's cheek. "I'm Smaug, the dragon."
"Ah!" John and A both exclaimed as their faces lightened in realization.
A/N: I could probably go farther with this but I kind of like leaving it here. So we bid you adieu and I hope you had a laugh.