A/N: A special thank you to Cat (mockingjaylane) for your insights on the White Ghost and Sabatino. As always, thank you to Rebecca (yoursmilelaugheverything) for your support and encouragement.
Disclaimer: I still own nothing. Otherwise these characters wouldn't cause me so much distress.
This should be the happiest day of his life. After months of separation, Kensi was finally back in LA. Her mission was complete.
Deeks fantasized about this day since Hetty first told him that she had been reassigned.
He expected smiles, longing looks, a lingering hug. He expected her to want to be with him, to catch up on lost time, to keep her promise to figure their thing out.
He wanted to take her home, hold her, kiss her, laugh with her, breathe her in, feel her soft skin against his. He didn't want another day to go by without seeing her face.
But something was wrong. Nothing went how he expected.
She and Granger walked into OSP together and briefed everyone on their mission. Granger did all of the talking. She had found the mole. She had taken out the White Ghost. Deeks could hardly listen to his words. It was taking every ounce of his restraint not to just run up to her and gather her in his arms right in front of everyone.
He tried to get her attention, but she wouldn't even look at him. Once the briefing was over, she slipped away and was gone before he could catch up with her. He went to the one person who he knew could give him some answers. Whether she would was another matter.
"Hetty, where did Kensi go?"
"She went home, Mr. Deeks. She is exhausted and needs rest."
"But... I didn't get a chance to talk to her."
Hetty gave him a knowing look that made him nervous. "Maybe you should give her some time. She's been through a lot."
He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "I haven't seen her for months. I mean, she just left without looking at me, without saying a word? I didn't even know she'd be back today. Why does she need time? Is there something I should know about?"
"She will be fine."
"Fine? Why doesn't that make me feel any better?"
"I don't know what you mean."
"Hetty, for once, please, could I just get a straight answer? Kensi, she's... important to me. I need to know what's going on with her."
Hetty sighed. "I'm sorry, but I can't tell you anything more just yet."
"Can't or won't?"
"It's not my place to say what's going on with Miss Blye. All I can do is advise you to give her some time to herself. You will get a chance to see her."
Against Hetty's advice, Deeks found himself outside Kensi's front door. His partner was once again in the same city as him. Nothing could have kept him away.
His heart soared when she opened the door and let him in, but his mood was quickly deflated. She was quiet and her face was expressionless. He decided to get right to what was bothering him.
"Why did you leave without saying anything to me? Aren't you glad to be home? Aren't you glad to see me?"
"Of course I'm glad to be home."
"That's not really the answer I was looking for."
"I don't know what you mean by that."
"Kens..."
"I can't do this right now, Deeks."
"Okay, if not now, then when?"
"I don't know."
"You said we'd figure this out. You promised we'd figure this out."
"A lot has changed since then."
"Not between us. I'm still me. You're still you."
Her expressionless face was changing. She looked defeated. "Something happened. Someone who trusted me... someone who I was suppose to protect and watch out for... he died because I didn't do my job."
"Sabatino." That was one detail that caught his attention during the briefing. CIA Agent Sabatino had been killed during their pursuit of the White Ghost.
"I worked with him for months. On our last assignment, we were partnered together. It was my job to keep him safe... and I didn't. I didn't do my job. I didn't keep my partner safe."
"He knew the risk. He knew what could happen and he signed up for the job anyway."
"This isn't the first time this has happened, Deeks. Dom. Renko. Hunter. Now Sabatino. They're all dead. They're all people who counted on me and now they're all dead."
"That's not fair. You can't blame yourself for every death of someone you worked with."
"What about you?"
"What about me?"
"You counted on me and I let you down."
"What are you talking about?"
"Sidorov."
It had been almost a year, but that name still made him flinch.
"You needed help. You needed me. And where was I? Where was I when my partner needed me?"
"Michelle needed you, too."
"But what about after that... when we first found you. You asked me to get you out of there. You were in pain and you were scared... you asked me to cut you loose and I didn't do it. I made you stay. I kept you in danger."
"Kensi, you were..."
"I was just following orders? I was just doing my job? Like that makes it any better. Be honest with me. Did you understand when I told you that you had to stay? Or were you angry with me? Were you disappointed in me?"
Deeks didn't answer. He never wanted to tell her what really went through his mind that day. The thought of her was the only thing that kept him sane. Her smile, her laugh. Somehow, she comforted him through the worst moments of his life without actually being there. When he finally saw her face for real, he couldn't believe the words she was saying to him. His source of comfort was now making the pain worse. He knew she had no choice. He knew what the cost would have been if he had not gone along with this final set up. It still didn't stop him from being disappointed in his partner.
"I thought so. I let you down. I haven't been a good partner to you. I haven't been a good partner to anyone."
"That's ridiculous. Okay, fine. I was disappointed in you. But I've screwed up, too. I made you think I killed an unarmed man and that I'd been fired and then I avoided you for the rest of the day just for a case. I couldn't protect you from being shot by the man who killed your father. I went undercover by myself for months without telling you what was going on."
She looked away from him and crossed her arms over her chest. She didn't say anything in response.
"I haven't been perfect. I've let you down. I've let other people down. I wasn't there for Jess when she was blown up. And in case you forgot, I was also there when Renko and Hunter were killed. If you hold yourself responsible for their deaths, then I'm responsible, too."
"Deeks... I think you should go now." She turned around and stepped away from him.
"Kens... I can't go."
"Why not?"
Deeks was desperate. She was right in front of him but he felt like he was losing her. He was terrified that if he left now... that she would shut him out completely. He had to tell her the truth.
"Because I love you."
She stopped moving, but she was still not looking at him.
"You said I never say what I mean. Well, here I am, saying exactly what I mean so there's no confusion. I love you, Kensi. I can't be away from you anymore."
She turned around and finally looked him in the eye. But what he saw was not reassuring. There was a storm of sadness and confusion on her face.
"I'm not good for you. You deserve better."
"Who are you to say what I deserve? I don't care about what I deserve. I care about what I want... and that's you."
"We had one night together. And after that, everything just fell apart. Why would you want to put up with me? If this was right, if we were meant to be together, then why is everything so hard? Why have there been so many obstacles in our way? How long before you realize that I'm not worth this effort?"
"Kens... It's me... you know that you never have to worry about that with me. You have to know that."
"I'm such a mess right now... I don't know what to believe. I don't know what's happening to me... to us..."
"I know we have our problems... but we can work through them. You've said that I never say what I actually mean. Fine. Well, here I am, saying what I mean. But this... this is what you do. You get scared and then you come up with a reason why it's not going to work. You throw boxes and frozen lakes at me and expect that to be communication? You take things from your past and use them as reasons to shut people out. You think that because someone who trusted you is gone... now you think that's a reason to isolate yourself? You think that because someone who you loved left you... now you can't love anyone else?"
He could finally see her features begin to soften. He took a step toward her and continued.
"I don't know how to figure this out. I don't have all the answers. I just know that I want to figure it out with you."
"Deeks... I... I'm scared." Her voice was barely above a whisper. "I've haven't wanted something like this in so long. I was scared before I left for Afghanistan, but I thought we had a shot at figuring it out. And then I had to leave and nothing seems the same anymore. I don't feel like the same person anymore."
He took a deep breath and released it slowly. "Can you answer a question for me?"
She nodded.
"Do you still want me?"
"I don't know..."
"I don't buy that. Not for a second. Before you left you compared me to a frozen lake, which means that I was what you wanted most. You have to still know if that's true. Don't think about what has happened. Don't think about what we do for a living. Don't think about ways we've screw up and let each other down. Just think about you and me. Do you still want me?"
She looked him in the eyes and held his gaze. His heart was racing as he waited for her answer. Then he heard the one word that caused hope to ignite inside of him.
"Yes."
He smiled at her. "I want you, too. That's how we know that we can figure this out."
"I feel like... I feel like I'm falling through the ice."
"I wouldn't let you fall."
Her resolve crumbled. She stepped up to him and threw her arms around his waist. She buried her face in his neck. He was stunned for a moment, then he wrapped his arms around her, pressing his face against her hair.
He could believe how good this felt. He missed everything about her. He simply savored the feeling of her breath against his neck, the warmth of her body, the scent of her hair. He held her as tight as he dared.
Then she started to tremble. Deeks rubbed his hands up and down her back and spoke softly to her.
"Shhh, Kensi. It's okay."
He thought she was crying, but she wasn't. She was laughing.
"You wouldn't let me fall? What kind of cheesy line was that?" She backed out of his embrace and brought her hands up to her face as she continued to laugh. Her face was turning red and she was having trouble catching her breath.
Deeks thought for a moment that he should be insulted. He was being honest with her. He meant what he said. He was finally saying what he actually meant... and she was laughing at him? But his anger quickly changed into something different. He soon realized how long it had been since he heard her laugh. Her laughter was diffusing all the tension, all the uncertainty, all the fear in the room. It had been too long since he laughed with her. It had been too long since he teased her. Too long since she tried to tease him. As unfunny as she was, he couldn't help but love it... because it was so her.
He laughed and shook his head. "Cheesy? What about you and your metaphors?"
"What's wrong with them?"
"Frozen lake? Really? We live in LA. There's nothing frozen here. How much sense is that suppose to make to me?"
Her laughter quieted down, but she was still smiling at him.
"Deeks... I'm still scared."
"So am I, Kens."
"I'm scared because... I love you, too. I've lost so many people in my life... Some were people who I worked with who I cared about a lot. Some were people I loved and I felt like a part of me died when they were gone. But you... I don't even want to think about losing you. I can't..."
She stepped right in front of him and brought her hands up to his face, both of them savoring this moment. He couldn't wait any longer. He leaned down, kissed her gently, and wrapped his arms around her. She relaxed into him as she returned his kiss.
"Deeks... I missed you so much."
"I missed you, too. No more top secret missions and being shipped to the other side of the world without your partner."
She smiled at him and then rested her head on his shoulder.
"Deeks?"
"Yes?"
"Thank you for being patient with me."
"Anything for you."