TKCB: Hello everyone, as promised, a set of crack fics surrounding everyone's favourite evil bad guy. This is going to be a casually updated fic, I have a few written and will post them up when I have them written.
Thanks once more to Skarla, my wonderful beta who tackles all the paradox-inducing tense challenges, mutated sentence structures and terminological inconsistencies I throw at her.
Warnings for this ficlet include pyromania, Kleenex abuse and candy bribery.
Crack One - Lollipops, Aizen's Aesthetics and the Captains' Cold
"Captain!" Renji yelled as he ran down the hall of sixth division headquarters. "Captain Kuchiki!" he called again, nearly breaking down the door to Byakuya's office. The noble had his head covered by a towel, and bowed over a bowl of hot water and oils. A white hand pulled the towel from his head, making his black hair static and sticking up in places.
"Bot?" he demanded, nose clogged and throat sore. He had caught a damn cold from Soi Fon, who had caught it from Kyoraku who had caught it from Ukitake. Ukitake had protested, saying he had caught it from Hitsugaya, but no one believed that the commander of the most powerful ice-type Zanpakuto could catch a cold.
"They caught Aizen! He's being held in the Repentance Palace under heavy guard!"
"Bot?" he shrieked, standing up so suddenly his chair flew into the wall behind him and knocked down a clothes horse of drying towels.
"He just gave himself up!" Renji exclaimed, his whole body wound ready to spring, prepared to run through the Seireitei leaping and bounding, throwing out candy to the crowds of Shinigami who turned up to listen to his proclamation. "All captains are ordered to report there immediately to take on guard duty."
"Bell, I subbose I 'ave to go," Byakuya said and threw the towel from his head onto a pile of ones to be washed. He picked out some tissues from the box of kleenex Rukia had brought for him, tucking them up his sleeve, then deciding against it and strapped the box around his waist through his belt. He would be prepared for any sneezes to come while he was out and around. He donned his white captain's haori and then placed a white veil over his head. Renji rolled his eyes.
"Captain, do you really have to wear that thing in public?" he whined.
"Yes, Kuchiki's do not get colds, and if they do, they do not let the lower classes see them," he pushed out in the most snobbish voice he could muster with swollen and blocked sinuses. Renji rolled his eyes again and poked his head around the door, hoping no one was there to see their Captain acting like a mardy prissy (more than usual, anyway).
It took them a long time to get to the Repentance Palace as Byakuya insisted on hiding when other Shinigami were around. Finally he crossed the bridge to where the other captains and lieutenants were awaiting them.
"Captain Kuchiki, you are inexcusably late. Nothing can make up for this show of tardiness! Not even death should make you so late!" Yamamoto chastised the noble, his busy eyebrow sinking into deep frown. 'Can I burn him? He needs to be punished, right? Burning?' Ryuujun Jakka insisted in his head. Yamamoto shook his head slightly. "Bloody pyro," he grumbled to himself.
"Sobby sir, I 'ave a cold," Byakuya said from behind his veil and blow his nose loudly.
"Oh right, I see," the Captain commander said sympathetically. "In that case you're excused." Renji face-palmed.
"So why did he give himself up? Has he given a reason?" Hitsugaya asked.
"Captain, you're looking taller today," Unohana observed. All present duly looked the captain in question down and giggles erupted as they spotted his platform shoes he had been trying to hide with an extra long hakama.
"Aww, trying to be all grown up?" Kyoraku said cutely and the boy scowled.
"If you must know I'm fed up of being at Matsumoto's breast level all the time, she keeps suffocating me with them," he lied.
"Don't worry, I'm sure you'll grow soon," Unohana said sweetly and pulled a lollipop from her haori. Hitsugaya grinned triumphantly at Kyorkaku and promptly attacked the sweet treat.
"What about mine?" Zaraki demanded.
"What have you done to earn one of my lollipops?" She demanded tartly.
"I haven't sent any of my men to your squad for a whole day," he said proudly as though it was an achievement.
"I suppose so, here is one for you." She handed him one.
"You can't give Kenny one and not me!" Yachiru whined, the pink lieutenant suddenly pawing at Unohana's hakama leg.
"As president of the Shinigami Women's Association I can't say no," and dished out another one.
"Cabtain...I've always been a good batient and I've got a cold," Byakuya said in his best cute voice and he was soon enjoying a lollipop under his veil. Yamamoto cleared his throat loudly, making everyone jump. Unohana picked out a special red one for him and he smiled, quietening for a moment. Ukitake flashed her a brilliant smile and she happily passed him a treat.
"Retsu, you know I've always thought you are one of the most beautiful women in the soul society..." Kyoraku began, hoping he wouldn't need to finish it, and she would take the hint.
"What of it?" She asked bluntly.
"Can I have a lollipop too?"
"No."
"What? Why?" He cried out.
"You haven't done anything to deserve one," she said serenely, closing her eyes.
"You gave everyone else one!" he whined. "Even Rukia's got one and I don't even remember seeing you give her one!"
"Are you demanding a lollipop?" she asked, her mouth pursing slightly, the serene mirth gone from her face. He almost soiled himself at the look.
"No!" he squeaked. Her face relaxed.
"Good," she said and turned to her lieutenant who was quietly licking a green one, murmuring something inaudible. She passed a look of pity to the womanising captain and bowed her head.
"Now that most of us have lollipops," Yamamoto said in between licks. "We have the subject of Aizen to address."
"Can I ask a question about him?" Ukitake spoke up.
"Yes."
"Will he be getting a lollipop?" His face was deadly serious. He looked ready throw down his own sweet if the answer was affirmative.
"If he does it will be an anchovy and mustard one. An Orihime special." Unohana replied. The assembled Shinigami shuddered.
"We need two people to go in an interrogate him," Yamamoto said. "We need two individuals of immense personal strength, iron will, gritty determination and skilled in the arts of 'forceful questioning'," he said grimly. All the Shinigami stepped back bar two (funnily enough).
"Well volunteered, you two. You are precisely the kind of people we need for this job," the captain commander praised. Kira looked up, realising what had been going on. He had been hiding behind Omeada in hopes of not getting noticed by everyone (and it worked very well up until then), and Yachiru who had been counting the jelly beans she hid in the hilt of her Zanpakuto behind her captain.
"What am I doing?" she asked innocently.
"Interrogating Aizen."
"But that'll be boooooring!" she moaned, storing away her sweets.
"If you do it, I'll give you another lollipop." Unohana said sweetly. Everyone suddenly wished they had volunteered.
"Sir, can I lead the questioning please?" Momo asked, looking down. Her fringe had grown out a it since Aizen's betrayal and was mostly covering her face in some sort of emo fringe now.
"No."
"But I knew him the best, maybe he will talk to me!" she protested.
"No Momo, you'll just try to rape him. Stop pretending otherwise." Hitsugaya groaned.
"I-" she began but a swift chop to the back of the neck knocked her unconscious and saved everyone from the otherwise inevitable argument. They patted Soi Fon on the back and thanked her, throwing in the occasional congratulations of her wonderful execution of the technique.
"So - in you go!" Yamamoto cheered them on and shoved them into the doors of the Repentance Palace.
Inside was dark and dusty, thin beams of light casting strips of white into the sekki seki construct.
"Visitors! Yay!" came an elated voice and the white-clad figure of Sosuke Aizen.
"Aizen. We're here to interrogate you," Kira said, shakily. He looked about as intimidating as a wet egg. He sidled right up to Kira, nuzzling the blonde's face in a freaky way.
"I've been so lonely! I'm so glad someone as pretty as you is here!" he gushed.
"Wh...what?" Kira exclaimed and jumped away.
"Oh, sorry, maybe you'd prefer me how I was before?" he asked and ruffled his hair so it looked as floppy as before and he pulled a pair of specs from his clothes, pushing them onto his face. "See? It's me, Aizen, from before! Please say you'll stay with me!" he begged and got very close to the acting captain.
"Yachiru! Help!" he pleaded, not sure what he was looking for from the pink-haired demon.
"Why?" she asked, picking out a green bean from her hilt.
"I'll make you chocolate cheesecake," he bartered, and knew how to do business with the lieutenant (he was a wonderful patisserie chef on the side).
"Yay! Ok!" she squealed and tackled the eerily affectionate traitor. Yachiru rolled Aizen onto his belly and sat on his back, making him unable to stand up, or do anything but thrash around.
"Excellent. Now," Kira began, standing over Aizen, suddenly a menacing look comig over his face; his massive emo fringe cast dark shadows over his eyes and he grinned, "let's begin this interrogation in earnest," he said. Aizen looked up in dread and struggled, but to no avail against the strangely immobilising eleventh division lieutenant.
"No! No! Noooooooo!" Aizen screamed in terror.
"Commander, where is Captain Kurotsuchi? If all captains are supposed to be present, shouldn't he be here?" Acting Captain Hisagi asked.
"He sent word ahead saying that he has a cold and that it's a medical impossibility so is staying at his headquarters to investigate it," Sasakibe piped up.
"Something is happening inside," Komamura said darkly, the only one to remain serious after the others had started gossiping when Kira and Yachiru went in. Speaking of which, the two had emerged from inside, Yachiru looking happy, heading straight for Kenny's shoulder and Kira returning to his meek form from the darkness he had shown Aizen.
"Acting Captain Kira!" Soi Fon exclaimed. "Have you learned anything? Why did he give himself up?" The Shinigami all leaned forward, hanging on the words that were about to be spoken.
"I did find out why he came back. He said that he couldn't stand living in Hueco Mundo anymore. Most of the Espada are too ugly to live with and they smell funny. He said he's given up his plans for world domination and come back to the Soul Society to be surrounded by beautiful people again," he reported. "He made a request, and asked that it be considered by all the captains."
"What's that?"
"He wants three of his Espada to come and live with him. He said he wants them to be surrounded by beautiful people: the emo guy, the hunky guy and shark girl."
"Is she the one with her boobs hanging out of her shirt?" Renji asked, a little eagerly. Kira nodded solemnly.
"Whatever happened to the Nel child?" Unohana asked.
"She went to live with 'Itsygo,'" Rukia said, and everyone joined her for a snicker. Nemu flash stepped into the group holding a small speaker.
"I am sorry that it has taken so long to get here, I had to make Maryuri a lemsip and make him drink it - he doesn't like the lemon flavoured ones and we have run out of blackcurrent," she said. "He can communicate with us via this speaker," she reported serenly.
"Captain Kurotsuchi, can you hear us?" Yamamoto tested out the connection.
"Yes I can. What have I missed?" They quickly briefed the stuffy sounding captain. "So what do we get if we agree?" he asked, annoyed.
"Well...the threat from Aizen's plans for world domination would be gone and the Soul Society would be in peace," Ukitake tried, thinking this would be reason alone to agree to Aizen's asylum request.
"Is there anything worthwhile?" Kurotsuchi drawled. He sounded his usual self-centred self even with a stinking cold.
"What Mayuri means is: would there be anything for him to cut up?" Nemu whispered and the Shinigami all nodded and mouthed 'ooooooh'.
"If he can't stand most of the Espada, I'm sure he won't mind if you take a few of your own," Kyoraku said, shrugging.
"Then I'm all for it," he said quickly. "If there's nothing else I need to get back to my very important research," he said and the speaker clicked indicating that it had turned off.
"Any objections?" Yamamoto addressed the rest of his subordinates.
"Does anyone else think that bringing a known traitor, melgomaniac and three of his most powerful minions into the Seireitei is a monuentally BAD idea?" Renji put forward. This was a new one - Renji Abarai was being the voice of reason for the first time ever.
"What could possibly go wrong?" Soi Fon said. Renji facepalmed again. He got the feeling he would be doing this a lot.
#~#~#
And that's it for this crack!
Next time on Aizen Cracks...The Espada make an important decision all on their own, a great feat in the face of Harribel's raining on all the parades she can, Aaroniero's incredible unhelpfulness and Grimmjow's lamp-posting. See you then!