Undone

I had never been one for clingy and cuddly or loud and obnoxious people. Those with qualities such as these had always bothered me to no end, so that I could not even bear to be near them. I grew up in silence and preferred it that way, but to everyone else I just appeared anti-social and cold. Maybe I was. But no one really understood.

It was shocking, even to me, that Kotone took such an interest in me. It was even more shocking that I took that interest and reciprocated it towards her. She was that type, the one I hated more than anything, clingy and excited and overly rambunctious. Yet I found myself oddly attracted to her, unable to stay away.

That was not to say that she didn't bother me, at least at first. She was my rival, my enemy, someone who was clearly only around to make me miserable, or so I thought before. She had been quite successful in doing so. From the first time I met her, right before I stole my Feraligatr (who was just a little Totodile at the time), I knew she was a problem. And she proceeded to be, crossing my path so often that I felt as though I was traveling with her instead of by myself. I had not been particularly happy with this.

When I thought of her, I associated her name with negative things, if only because she annoyed me so much with her bubbly personality that I could only hate her. The more and more I saw her, though, the more she haunted my thoughts, and I began to look forward to our future meetings. With each town I arrived at, I silently hoped that Kotone would come quickly, just so I could challenge her—and knowingly still lose—again.

The more I saw her, the more I liked her, including her boisterous personality.

I wanted power, and I wanted to prove to my father that I could be strong without a band of crooks, losers that could be stopped by a stupid little kid. I hated them, and that hate drove me, pushed me to be strong. Yet I was nowhere near as strong as Kotone, to my everlasting dismay.

And then seeing her in those clothes—something in my mind just snapped. Everything had been building up within me, with so many thoughts and feelings racing through my mind that I couldn't stay in control. I wanted power, I had to prove myself, Wataru's lecture was still bothering me, Kotone was wearing a Team Rocket uniform (why?), she was so stupid, what did Wataru mean? Everything settled in at once, and I could no longer handle it.

Was that caring, or was that just foolish anger?

Yet, even after convincing myself that it was anything and everything but caring, I felt myself falling harder for Kotone every day, the feeling growing each time I saw her. And after a while, she finally started calling me by name, instead of not referring to me as anything, just that random redheaded boy. Then we began to talk a little more, training together, eating meals together, occasionally traveling together. Everything was changing rapidly each day, my heart changing ever so quickly.

She was undoing everything I knew about myself now and replacing my heart with a real one.

"Hey, Silver," she said one night as we ate dinner. The restaurant we were at was blatantly feminine, with pink and warm colors filling the walls and floors. Kotone had obviously picked this place on purpose, probably just to annoy me. I felt like the only guy in the entire place, extremely uncomfortably, but I tried not to let it show. Had I been with anyone else, I would have left, but Kotone was worth it.

"Silver, I want to talk to you about something." I nodded, giving her permission (not needed, but she sounded so uncharacteristically unsure that I felt it necessary to prompt her) for her to continue. "We've been training and traveling together for a pretty long time now. I can barely remember you from back when… well, you know. You've changed a lot, and I am so proud of you. It's only been, what, two-and-a-half, maybe three years? Don't you think we've become really great friends?"

Ah, yes, friends. "I suppose so." That probably wasn't the sure response she was looking for, but I didn't want to say what I was thinking and embarrass myself. She was my only friends, the only one I ever had (while I imagined that she was very popular—everyone in Johto and Kanto loved her, in any case). She was my best friend and more than that. Not that she knew.

"Yeah…" She paused, picking up her mug of hot cocoa and taking a sip. "And I think it's unfair to the both of us if I keep what I'm feeling a secret. You're more than just a friend to me, Silver. You're everything to me: my rival, my friend, the boy I am so in love with." She stopped again, giving me time to wrap my head around what she was saying. "I was torn between whether I wanted to tell you or not, but I thought it a lie to not say anything. I don't want to ruin our friendship, so I will understand if you don't feel the same."

The girl I loved… she loved me back. So, why was I so unhappy with this new discovery?

Because I loved her. Her overactive, annoying, wonderful personality was better suited to someone else, not me. Yes, my heart had been changing, but I wasn't that person. I wasn't outgoing or lively—I was cold and indifferent. She always did more talking than I did. Did she want to be the one talking forever? I had done more talking back when I hated her. Now she spoke for me.

I needed to be alone. I needed my individual spirit, to work by myself instead of as a team. And, yes, I was still getting used to companionship, but I couldn't anymore. Sometimes I just needed to take a break, slow down, back up, breathe, and be strong. And this wasn't strength, what Kotone was offering me; it was a doorway to weakness. Love made people weak.

"Kotone, I have to go." I stood up, and before she could say anything or chase after me, I escaped the restaurant and the town, disappearing into the clouds and leaving behind my unraveled heart.

I didn't go where she expected me to go. I was positive that she would look in my typical training spots, like the Dragon's Den or various Kanto hotspots. I wasn't going to train, anyhow, so I felt no need to go to any of those paces, especially if Kotone would be there. I, instead, needed to just sit down and think for awhile.

Recently, I discovered a little cave behind the Tohjo Falls in Kanto. While Kotone went home to visit her mother one day, I explored, finding a save with an old radio; perhaps the cavern had been someone else's hideout, but it had since been abandoned. So, I took it over, using it just as a place to be calm, a place to be alone.

The pounding of the falls was like a constant roar, droning on and on without rest. It was surprisingly calming, blocking out and all of my thoughts until my mind was clear. I could relax and think of nothing, sometimes catch up on my sleep, the roar like a lullaby to guide me to my dreams. When I awoke, I usually felt better. But not this time.

There were so many forms of weakness in the world that it was hard to find strength in anything anymore. But strength, to me, was superiority, indifference, the ability to escape any situation unscathed and victorious. So, I was everything but strong. The biggest weakness of any human male had now settled into my heart, and I wasn't sure if I could ever be strong.

Love only existed to perfect imperfection, to force those blemishes to become permanent and untouchable. Love got in the way of strength and individuality, instead replacing most emotions and confidence and self-worth with insecurity and guilt. No one could ever be strong and be in love, at least at the same time. And I wanted the former.

My silence and solitude was short-lived; Kotone, somehow, had discovered my secret hideaway. She came in, took one look at me, and appeared immediately and immensely relieved. Then, without saying a word, she sat down against the wall of the small cavern next to me. Only the crashing of the waterfall spoke, the two of us quiet.

"Kotone, how did you find me here?" I finally asked. She smiled, but she did not look at me.

"I had a hunch I would find you here, is all. I figured you would be particularly attracted to this place." How could she think that? She didn't know that this was my hideout; I didn't even know that she knew about it. As though reading my mind, she explained herself with a quick sentence that left me more confused than ever.

"I met your father here."

That had not been what I expected Kotone to say. And even after she said it, I still could not wrap my head around it. A little something in me, a glimmer of something strange, like hope, reacted eagerly to this piece of information. I tried to choke that idea with my other reaction: disgust. That bigger part of me, the one I wanted, quickly smothered the smaller.

I didn't need to ask anything to receive a response. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you everything. I know that. And I know you would be upset if I didn't, but please understand that I am still confused about what happened the day I met him. All I know is that I found him here." She stared at the radio beside me instead of at me. "I fought him and won." She paused, looking up finally to see my reaction. She blushed and turned away upon seeing it. "He left after that. Fled. I doubt anyone will ever see him again."

I didn't doubt it, and I believed her. But she didn't answer one thing: How did she know who my father was?

"Kotone, how—"

"I saw the two of you fighting. After the fall of Team Rocket the first time. He's the boss, right? Giovanni, the one all those executives were calling to? The two of you were fighting… and… well, you know what happened." She sighed, glancing up at me, this time looking at me a few moments longer. "And then I found him here a few years back, and he was going to go back to them. But I beat him. Silver, I am so sorry that I didn't say anything before. But I sort of had a feeling that you weren't on good terms with your family. I didn't want to ruin this relationship. It was probably selfish of me, so I understand if—"

I shook my head, cutting her off. "No, I understand." And I did. There were a hundred thousand things I wanted to say but couldn't, so I had no excuse to be angry with her; I was too angry with my father. "My father is scum, a coward. He never thought me in anything he did… just his sad excuse for a gang that lost twice to kids." I chuckled a little; that was funny. "I was never important. He loved Team Rocket, and that was his downfall. Good riddance to him, I say."

Kotone removed her hat and twirled it in her hands. "Love does not make a person weak, Silver. And he didn't give all his love to Team Rocket. I'm sure your father loved you very much."

I rolled my eyes; Kotone obviously didn't know my father very well. Then again, neither did I. He never made an effort to let me. "Yeah, I'm so sure. And hence, he was the epitome of weakness. If you need a definition of 'weak', my father would be a prime example. All that 'love' in a person really drains their strength."

"Silver, I think I'm missing some of you." She crawled away from her spot to sit right in front of me, careful not to let her hat touch the ground. We stared at each other, and I shivered. It was like she was seeing right into my soul, but I couldn't see anything. "I talk too much. I want to hear everything you have to say, Silver. Tell me how you really feel. About everything."

How? How could I undo my heart enough to open up that much? The wall that I had so successfully built in my childhood, brick by brick, was already crumbling, but I was determined to keep the rest standing. So, how could Kotone expect me to so willingly open myself to her when I was trying so hard not to? She was asking too much of me.

Yet I felt my heart open anyway, my feelings pouring out.

"I didn't mean to just run away from you. Truthfully, I feel the same. I love you." Did I just say that aloud? It was hard to tell; Kotone didn't even react—she just gestured for me to continue. "But I can't just accept that, Kotone. If my father taught me anything, it was that you can't be in love and be strong at the same time. And I want to be strong." I shook my head. "I want to be both, actually. I just can't be if I want to be stronger than you."

I expected her to give me a guilt trip: which do you want more, me or strength? But she didn't. She just nodded, signaling her understanding.

"I said I would let you talk, and I will. But allow me to ask you one thing, Silver." Man, did I think too soon? Was this the guilt trip? "Do you love your Pokémon?"

'Yes' came to mind first. Then 'no' quickly followed. Did I? Well, if she asked me when we first battled, I would have said 'no'. But now… well, maybe I did.

"Yeah, I guess," I responded.

She smiled. "And they love you. I can see it. And you didn't love them before. You hated them, thought they were weak. But I can honestly say that you are a hundred times more powerful now than you ever were before. So, how can you say that love and strength cannot coincide? I think you are the perfect counterexample to your argument."

I did not reply. She had a valid point. Though I could say that it was the training, not the love, that made me stronger, that point was still flawed. I couldn't train like this with my past team relationship. It wasn't even plausible. Even when I battled Kotone before, I was massacred by her. Now, I only fell two inches short.

"Silver, just love alone isn't strength. You're correct there. And it can make people do horribly foolish things sometimes. But when you are truly in love, you get your strength from others. That's what makes love strength, not weakness."

So, was it all right to be in love? Were these feelings just going to make me stronger? Because I would give up my strength for Kotone, and Kotone would give up hers for me?

And did I want to be so powerful, to prove my father wrong, simply because I loved him?

"Kotone…" I started right into her brown eyes, this time trying to reach into her soul. "You get your strength from me?" She smiled even wider, unraveling my heart once again. I reached forward and took her free hand, squeezing it gently and closing my eyes. I needed her strength now but not for power.

"May I kiss you?" I opened my eyes and looked at her again, trying to fight past the overwhelming fear crawling through my veins. I needed strength. "I just want to give you everything."

She laughed, a small giddy giggle, so thrilled that she could not contain her feelings, and put her hat on my head. Then, throwing herself at me, she planted her lips on mine.

That clingy, cuddly, loud, and obnoxious girl, who I found myself oddly attracted to, gave me the strength to love… and undo my own heart.

Author's Note: Whoo-hoo! Another Pokémon fanfiction… and from Silver's point of view again. For some reason, I really like writing him. Probably because I've been writing chick-lit for so long that it's fun to take a little break from that.

This fandom is giving me so many firsts! I.e. my first time writing from the POV of a guy, my first Pokémon fanfiction, my first fanfiction for any game/anime/manga, and now my first fanfiction that I wrote entirely in my notebook. Usually I type the first draft (or at least MOST of it), but I wrote this entire thing by hand. On a plane. I find that quite a success.

Anyway, I hope this isn't TOO cheesy for everyone (especially the ending—wow, I am not used to that much fluff). All that "strength/love" talk. O.o Yeah, hopefully you all like it anyway. (Though I did find it kind of funny that Silver asked permission to kiss Kotone.)

Disclaimer: I do not own Pokémon. If I did, the main characters would be older (17 or 18—not TEN!). XD