Prompt: What if it hadn't been Alex that walked into the room when Arizona was trying out her prosthesis by her self? What if it had been Callie? What if Callie had been the one to catch her when she fell?
A/N: You were used to great strides, in science, in medicine, in life. But now you're rooted to the spot and taking one step is the hardest thing you've ever done.
To write this I watched 9x04 (32:07-33:05) over and over again until I felt like I could write my way into Arizona's head. This is second person POV with you=Arizona (this is how I tend to write so I would love to know if this works for you guys).
-Maisie
How hard can it be?
Just one step.
One step.
Come on Arizona, it's just one step.
You've been sitting here for the twenty minutes since Dr. Whats-his-name-bad-joke left. You keep thinking that he's going to come back through the door, but this time it seems like you've scared away the one person who can help you. It's never mind the nurses Callie has hired and you've cursed at, thrown things at and all around told never to come back. But you're here, with this-this thing pretending to be a leg attached to your stump.
But now all you're thinking is about is taking a step.
One step.
Grab the pole.
You bit your lip, your doctor is gone but your pretend leg is still there and the weight of it is so welcoming and almost familiar that you can't help but force yourself to take a step. You're doing it.
It hurts in so many places, but you're standing.
You feel your momentum swinging and no, no you're not going to fall. But the pole is there and you grip it for a few seconds until you're sure that your good leg and the fake leg will cooperate with you. This should be a small victory, standing, but it's still the step you're looking for. You want to take one goddamned step, but you're scared.
Do it.
It's just one step.
Come on.
You're mentally scolding yourself, you were raised stronger than this. Let go of the pole.
All at once you let go of the pole, the sudden burst of confidence keeping you from toppling over. Then you're standing. Alone. No pole supporting you. Just the solid weight of your own body and you can say, that for a moment it feels really good. To be free from the wheelchair or the bed or a nurses critical gaze, it's empowering.
Then the door flies open and you're trying to turn to see who it is but the fake leg is too loose and all your empowerment is gone, along with your pride as you start to fall. You can't even see who it is, but you don't need to when you feel her arms wrap around you "I've got you." She says, moving quickly to set you back on the bed "Are you okay?"
"Do I look okay?" you snap, frustration and anger outpouring onto the one person who continues to take "Why'd you come barging in here?"
"I-" Callie says, but she sighs "I don't know Arizona, I don't know. I don't know why I keep coming back at all. All you do is shout at me and glare at me. You don't let me help you. You don't let me touch you." Her voice cracks and you feel a pang somewhere deep in your chest. "Do you know" she continues, her voice heartbreakingly low "how long it's been since you've let me hold your hand. Since you 've let me hug you. Since I've had any kind of physical contact that doesn't involve forcing you into the shower. Do you know?" there are tears in her eyes and she fighting them.
She's fighting them so bad her arms are trembling and she's looking at you with an expression you've seen in the mirror so many times as of late. She's reached the state of hopelessness you've been living in since waking up without a limb. You should be rejoicing that she understands, but you know that she doesn't understand because unlike you, there is no one for her to lean on. You lean one her and she leans on…..who?
Her dead best friend?
She's been sleeping in his bed, surrounded by his things, mementos of a life cut far too short. She has no one to turn to because the one person she's supposed to be able to lean on is keeping her at arms length. So why should she stay? Why should she stay with someone who is making her miserable? Why should she stay with you?
I don't know why I keep coming back at all. Her words echo in your ears and all at once you're imaging coming home to an empty apartment, no Sofia, an empty closet, the photos, all the photos, gone. It's a panic that grips you and strangles you because as angry as you've been with Calliope, she's always been there.
Always.
But now, now you see it in her eyes. She's losing her will to fight; she's tired. She's tired of working alone, raising a child alone, sleeping alone in a dead mans apartment. She's just tired.
"You're not even going to talk to me?" she says, tears shining in her eyes as she stands up, arms in the air, surrendering "Fine. Fine Arizona, then I'm done talking. I'm done."
She's storming to the door and in that moment you know you need to catch her but you very literally can't. You can't move, you are stranded to this table, so you do the only thing you can do "Eight weeks, six days!" you shout just as the door slams open "It's been eight weeks and six days. You hugged me, it was raining and you promised me that you wouldn't leave."
Callie stands in the doorway looking at you, she's halfway in the doorway, halfway out of it "I told you" she says, voice wavering "I told you that whatever you couldn't do, I would. But Arizona I can't do everything. I have tried and tried for nine weeks to be strong. But I'm hurting too and I can not do it anymore. My best friend is dead and my wife, my wife hates me. But no one can hate me more than I hate myself because I broke a promise. I broke a promise to the woman I married, the woman I am so deeply in love with, I promised her that I wouldn't cut off her leg." She paused, trying to collect herself but it's futile, the tears are streaming and she's looking at you and all you want is to hold her, but you can't, you're trapped "But I did. Her leg is gone. You're leg is gone. I failed you Arizona and since I made that call I've been trying to make it up to you. But I can't try any more. I'm out of ways to try because I don't know who you are right now."
I don't know who you are right now.
I don't know who I am right now.
"You're angry, I get it. I'd be angry, I'd question everything. But Arizona, I know I failed you but you don't have to question me. I. Will. Be. Here. I will do what you can't, but I need you." She's walking towards you, closing the distance between you but not enough for you to touch her "I need you because I've failed you and because of that you don't have a leg but-"
"No" you say, gathering your nerve to try and stand again, or at least make contact with her "You didn't fail me. You saved my life by making an impossible decision and I've been too, too self-absorbed in my own pain to realize that you're struggling just as much as I am." With no prosthesis and no real means of balance trying to stand is not recommended but in this moment you need Callie.
So you put one leg on the ground and slide off the table, you're off balance and there's a strong chance you're going to fall at some point, but it doesn't matter. You're staring at Callie, who is staring back at you "I'm sorry." You say "I am so, so sorry." You're still gripping the table with white knuckles, but you're standing, you're trying.
And that's all Callie has ever wanted.
One step and her arms are around you. She's holding you up even as you begin to fall, your arms wrapped around Callie, squeezing her, melting into her, feeling her. She's crying, the contact after so long overwhelming. But you, you're standing in a stunned silence because after everything you've done, after the nurses you've fired and the shit you've put your wife through, she's still here.
"I don't deserve you." You say into her shoulder "Anyone else would have left."
"I married you." Calliope says, turning so she can look at you "Through sickness and in health, for good times and bad." She says, repeating the vows "I broke one promise already, I'm not breaking another."
"But-" you start to protest
"No." Callie says "I promised you that I wasn't going anywhere and we have a daughter, a daughter who no longer has a father and I'll be damned if she grows up without her momma as well."
She says it with so much conviction, so much certainty that you have no choice but to trust her. Something you should have done the moment you woke up "Could you-" you start "Would you mind, uh, with the, couldyouhelpmewiththeprosthe sis?" you ask, and Calliope smiles like that's all she's ever wanted to hear from you.
You still flinch at her touch and there's a flash of anger that course through you, but when Dr. Whats-his-name-bad-joke comes back and see you not shouting at Callie but instead letting her help, his lips split into a broad grin and you can almost hear him saying "I told you so."
It not perfect. It's not what it was, but after the plane crash it never was going to be the same. And you still struggle, you wont let her kiss you or see you fully naked, but being in her arms, back against her chest, it's better. After all, this can really only be done one step at a time. One struggling, baby step at a time.