Um. So Eridan 3 Roxy, and also some Eridan Jade because I do what I like. Now a chapter-fic (at least that's the plan...)
Obligatory disclaimer: I don't own homestuck because if I did blaah blaah bluuuuuh.
Your name is Eridan Ampora and you can't stand Roxy Lalonde. She's been in your class since kindergarten and you've never really talked to her before now, which is probably why you didn't realize how completely annoying she is.
You're tutoring her in history - the only subject you can be bothered to give a fuck about - and your weekly sessions leave you in a semi-permanent bad mood. Your best friend Jade is the only person who can shake you out of your rage - she knows you better than anyone else, and despite her occasionally over-bearing personality you love her like a sister.
Roxy, on the other hand, makes you want to strangle yourself out of frustration. She's frequently intoxicated, sometimes to the point that you're afraid if you asked her which way was up and which way was down she would giggle and point at your shoulder. You do not appreciate her behavior. She makes fun of your clothes and your music and your accent through her drunken haze and is almost completely incapable of paying attention to one thing for more than a minute. To top it all off she is the single worst history student you have ever had the misfortune of tutoring. She's not the first dumb blonde you've been saddled with - oh, there have been many - but she is by far the stupidest broad yet.
You hate Roxy Lalonde.
You really, really hate her.
If you and Lalonde were the last two humans left on post-apocalyptic Earth and it was up to you two to ensure the survival of the human race you would drown yourself before you touched her.
This is the story of how you change your mind.
It starts with a tutoring session.
"Just give it up, Ampora," Roxy says, closing her history book with a frustrated sigh. "We both know I'm as likely to pass this test as you are to listen to Nicki Minaj." She had picked today of all days to show up to school sober, and sober Lalonde is much better at riling you up.
"As much as I'd like that I can't, Lalonde. You're mom is payin' me to tutor you, not argue with you, so quit your whinin' an concentrate," you snap back. You are not in the mood for her sass. Your ego is recovering from being rejected by the girl you've been after for months - Feferi Peixes. Your insides go all mushy just thinking about her - she's perfect in every conceivable way, except for the fact that she keeps rejecting you in favor of some lame hacker with glasses and a lisp. A lisp! Honestly, you don't know what she sees in him. You are the complete package - rich, handsome, wealthy, attractive, and did you mention handsome? Girls should be lining up to date you! You can't believe that Feferi would have the nerve to-
You're shaken from your thoughts by Roxy's snapping fingers inches away from your face. You yelp and flinch a little bit before glaring at her, your anger bubbling to the surface.
"What the fuck, Lalonde, get your hands away from my face," you growl. She laughs.
"You spaced out again, dude. You were full on daydreaming," she replies, before a look of realization crosses her face. "You were thinking about fucking Feferi again, weren't you."
You blush madly, spitting out a quick denial.
"Oh, that's fucking rich, Ampora! You're having sexual fantasies while you're supposed to be teaching me history. What would dear Feferi think of that?"
You're so mad you're practically spitting, and Roxy is nothing short of gleeful in response to your anger. "Let's just get back to the books," you say through clenched teeth. She chuckles and nods.
"If I wasn't about to fail this class things would go a lot differently between us."
You ignore her and resume *attempting* to teach her about Alexander the Great's military campaigns.
"I heard about her rejecting you," Roxy says quietly during one of the many awkward silences prompted by your questions, which were supposed to help her understand better but really just ended up frustrating the hell out of both of you. You sneer in her general direction.
"Thanks for the fuckin' concern, Lalonde. I don't wanna talk about it."
She sighs and goes back to her worksheet. "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry."
"Yeah, whatever."
"Well, fuck, Ampora, I was going to try and be nice to you for the rest of the day, but clearly that's useless, because you're a huge douche canoe either way!" Roxy's cotton candy-colored eyes are flashing and you almost regret snapping at her, but then your pride kicks in and before you know it you're yelling at her.
"I don't need your fuckin' pity, Lalonde. Just 'cause Feferi rejected me doesn't mean I'mma cry on your shoulder like some hormonal sap. It's fine that she doesn't like me like that, I don't even give a fuck. In fact, I'm better off without her fuckin' with my head. It's pretty fuckin' lame that you're hittin' on me when I'm in this emotional state. Pretty fuckin' desperate, Lalonde." A tiny part of your brain whispers that maybe you should stop talking but you ignore the sensible voice because… Well… Because you're an idiot, really.
"Oh you've got to be fucking KIDDING ME. YOU REALLY THINK I'M HITTING ON YOU." Roxy's eyes have reached new levels of ferocity. You have to admit even you are a bit scared. "What kind of an IGNORANT, EGOTISTICAL TOOL do you have to be to think that I, I of all people, would ever even CONSIDER ANY kind of relationship with you that DOESN'T INVOLVE ME WANTING TO RIP YOUR HEAD OFF."
"You know what? Fuck you, Lalonde, an fuck this shit. I don't need a come here an have you yellin' at me when I'm tryin' a fuckin' help you. I'm obviously superior to you in every fuckin' way so there's no reason for me to waste my time attemptin' a teach you shit. You're obviously completely incapable a understandin' the simplest fuckin' concepts, so I quit," you spit venomously, collecting your books and preparing to leave. You're barely out of your seat before Roxy's grabbing your arm and shoving you down again.
"Oh no you don't, fuckass. I'm not done yet. You have been hostile and derogatory since the day we started this whole fucking adventure and I want to know why. Are you just naturally a gigantic dickwad? Is your home life that bad? Or are you really just that egotistical? Because I can't tell. Half the time I feel fucking sorry for you because I have no fucking idea who would put up with your shit, and the other half of the time I just want to strangle your skinny little scarf-wearing neck because you irk me so fucking much! You know what? Don't even say anything, because you're not done with me, I'm done with you. So you can go home to your mansion and your striped slacks and your hipster music and your shitty love life, and I'm going to go hang out with my friends - those are people who like you and want to hang out with you. I'm sure you wouldn't understand any of that, though, because who the fuck would ever want to be friends with you?"
You open and close your mouth a couple of times, too stunned to reply, so you just sit there like an idiot, staring at her pink eyes. You've never seen them so full of hate - you've never seen anyone's eyes so full of hate, and it stirs something inside you.
"Maybe I wasn't clear before when I said you could leave: get the fuck out of my house, Ampora."
You nod and quietly gather your stuff. You find that, for the first time in a long time, you don't have anything to say. She watches you leave, and you turn back before you close the door to see her pouring herself a drink, rubbing her forehead and looking exhausted. You close the door quietly behind you.
Your name is Roxy Lalonde, and you didn't mean to explode.
You're not normally an angry person at all – usually you're super chill (and also drunk). But that douche canoe Eridan finally pushed you over the edge. You're sick and tired of his bitching and moaning and whining and all around douche-baggery. He has an ego the size of the state of Texas and you're completely fed up with it.
You think you might have possibly been a little harsh on him, but he totally deserved it!
Right?
Okay, so maybe he didn't deserve everything you threw at him. He may be a gigantic asshole but he's still a human being, and you know there's feelings somewhere buried beneath the few metric tons of ego he has weighing him down. You decide an apology is in order.
- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering caligulasAquarium [CA] -
TG: hey ampora
TG: for the record
TG: i really am sorry about you and fef
TG: also i didnt mean those things i said today
TG: well
TG: okay
TG: i meant soeme of them
TG: *some
TG: what im trnyin to say is
TG: *trying
TG: i was a little harsh and im sorry
CA: yeah wwatevver
- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering caligulasAquarium [CA] -
CA: but thank you
- caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling tipsyGnostalgic [TG] -
You're name is Eridan Ampora, and you're confused.
You hadn't expected her to apologize at all, but she had, and it sounded sincere. You don't understand why; she's completely right about everything she told you, of course. Deep down you've always known that but acting like you're on top of the world helps you feel less worthless.
Or it did, until a certain blonde-haired pink-eyed girl bounced drunkenly into your life a few months ago. She's usually completely batshit insane on account of being constantly inebriated but when she's sober she cuts straight through your shit, a trait shared only by Jade, who somehow still puts up with you after all these years.
She's not by any stretch of the imagination the first person who's hated you with a passion – there have been many. But, for some reason, when she's sober enough to call you out on your fuckassery you feel… Bad. In a way that you couldn't explain if asked, you feel awful about yourself after she yells at you, which isn't the case with most people. In fact, you only know two other people who can make you feel that way. Jade, as previously mentioned, is your best friend and her opinion means the world to you. Feferi is the girl you've been pining after for years.
Now, though, your encounters with Feferi don't sting as much. You wonder why – she used to be able to make you so heartbroken you'd hide in the bathroom for hours after each subsequent rejection (you're very persistent with your romantic advances). You hope it doesn't have anything to do with Lalonde, because that would be fucking embarrassing, plus she hates you anyway.
You decide that you've spent far too much time thinking about a girl you're supposed to despise, so you turn some music on and open up your journal, ready to pour your heart out and have a good cry over today's rejection and subsequent shouting match.
You try to be sad about Feferi. You really do. But that bitch Lalonde keeps creeping her way into your thoughts. You decide enough is enough when you recover from a daydream to find little pictures of the blonde doodled all over your journal.
You've always enjoyed writing a lot more than art, but right now you wish you could draw better. Roxy Lalonde is beautiful, and your awkward sketches don't do her justice. Before you realize it you're daydreaming again, thinking about her platinum blonde hair, her pretty pink eyes, her bubbly laugh.
No, stop it, Eridan! You're not supposed to daydream about her. She's a stupid blonde who barely knows left from right because she's drunk all the time. You're not supposed to spend what you later realize is fast approaching several hours thinking about her after she yelled at you and insulted you repeatedly. But you can't stop thinking about her suddenly.
You try to spend the rest of your night doing what you normally do – listening to music while blogging about how you hate x famous person/brand/place/etc for being too mainstream – but your thoughts are consumed with Roxy.
Frustrated, you go to bed early after (unsuccessfully) attempting to watch a movie, only to find that she's in your dreams as well. Sometime after the clock hits 2 A.M. you decide that you need to talk to her before your thoughts get out of hand.
Your name is Roxy Lalonde and maybe you don't hate Eridan as much as you thought you did.
The morning after you yelled at him you come to school hung over but mostly sober (you stuff a bottle of vodka in your bag just in case) and, as soon as he sees you, he waves you over. You immediately notice the dark circles under his eyes and try not to look concerned (you fail).
"You look like hell, Ampora." You keep your voice as casual as possible. He just waves a hand in the air.
"Yeah, whatever. Listen – I need to talk to you," he says quietly, not meeting your eyes. "Can I walk you home from school today?"
You live a short distance from the school, and also, unfortunately, a short distance from Eridan's house. That's why he was your tutor and not your best friend Jane, who you actually like but who lived on the other side of town and didn't go to the same school as you. You had tried to convince your teacher to let Jane tutor you anyway because she was a straight A student, but the school was having none of that.
"Why?" You try not to sound accusing.
"I just need to talk to you, okay?" Eridan looks flustered and tired, and you feel bad so you decide to play nice.
"Fine, whatever, Ampora. One midday stroll with RoLal."
He murmurs a quick thank you and hurries away, leaving you standing there looking a bit stunned. You're puzzled but you try not to dwell on it. You make a point of not dwelling on anything Eridan-related.
You try, alright, but by the end of the day the suspense is killing you. You haven't paid attention to any of your classes all day because you've been thinking about Eridan, and it's driving you insane. You practically sprint to your locker from your last class and gather your books together. You turn to put them in your bag and find Eridan standing right next to you. You drop your books with a shriek and he swears as a particularly large one lands on his foot.
"Fuck, Lalonde, your books are crushin' my toes. Are you drunk or clumsy?"
"You scared the hell out of me, Ampora. Now help me pick them up, asshole."
You both reach down at the same time and bump heads.
"Shit, Rox, that hurt!"
"Your head's no cake walk either," you snap before realizing what he'd said. "Rox?"
"Yeah, Rox. Got a problem with that?"
You consider for a moment, then shake your head. "Guess not. Let's go, rich boy." You head in the direction of your house. Eridan gently takes your shoulders and turns you in the opposite direction.
"Other way, Lalonde."
You blush and mutter something about being hung over, walking away quickly so that he has to speed up to catch up with you.
"What'd you want to talk about?" you finally ask after a few minutes of awkward silence, curiosity getting the best of you. "And if you start insulting me, Ampora, so help me-"
"I'm not here to insult you, Rox. I-" He falters, and you motion for him to continue. He takes a deep breath before going on. "I wanted to apologize for my attitude."
You stop moving, every thought that was previously banging around in your throbbing head suddenly silenced. "Y-you what?"
"I wanted to apologize. Y'know, for bein' a complete asswipe. I'm sorry."
Whatever you were expecting him to say, this sure as hell wasn't it. He's… Apologizing. Eridan Ampora is apologizing for being a douchebag.
"I'm not goin' a say it again because I'm pretty sure I didn't actually do anythin' wrong, just so you know."
And back to being a douche. It's different this time, though. It's more playful. You let a small smile escape.
"Thanks for the sincerity."
"Yeah, whatever."
"Fuckass."
"Idiot."
You walk home together and trade insults over your history homework while he tries to introduce you to his hipster music and you try to introduce him to your bottle of vodka.
Your name is Eridan Ampora and you think that maybe, just maybe, Roxy Lalonde isn't so bad after all.