I have revised/expanded the original story so if you read the first one - PLEASE REREAD!

I don't own Mulder and Scully or The X Files so none of this is going to make me any money or gain me any fame. Dammit.

THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART SUNSHINE! Without you and your encouragement and opinions, I might not have done the redo and I am LOVING it!

Please leave me feedback/reviews - if it sucks I'll try harder, if its awesome then give me the chance to wallow in happy feels!

(watch for more chapters :-))))))

Mulder's Confession

"I used to believe our lives were the summation of moments we have experienced - the things we've learned from those experiences. But I was wrong. Somewhere along the way, we become only the fear and pain we hold onto, that we can't let go of. The joys and the lessons and the meaning don't amount to anything because our fears override everything. But I believe if we can let go, if we can drive it away with the truth and the passion of our greatest joys, there is a life unimaginable within the stars of our souls. My greatest fear, my deepest pain, will always be losing you, Scully. And I've come so close so many times, that fear is keeping me from living in the stars with you, here and now."

Mulder hated bringing up her abductions, her near-death experiences and the pain of it made his resolve falter. He closed his eyes and tried to remember why he'd decided it was a good idea to tell Scully about the nightmare. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time. He had practically destroyed his office that morning in a fit of anger, after another sleepless night of invisible demons and vivid memories. He hoped she hadn't heard the commotion from upstairs - the concern on her face the moment she appeared at the bottom of the stairs told him he was wrong.

He attempted a deep breath. Sitting across the kitchen table, Scully's face betrayed as much confusion as compassion. She deserved so much more from him than he was giving. She deserved the truth. He shook his head and buried his face in trembling hands.

"Shit, this is harder than I thought it would be…"

Reaching her hand across the empty space between them, Scully took his trembling fingers into her palm. He'd been trying to hide something for so long, failing miserably as usual – the wrinkles in his brow never eased, his shoulders were always tense and tell-tale sleeplessness played in his hazel eyes. She found herself struggling with the tortured look on his face but a small measure of peace warmed her knowing he was finally letting go.

If he hadn't started the conversation, she would have herself. Waking in an empty bed that morning had been surprising – she was never the last one to rise, even with Mulder's history of insomnia. Every night they climbed into bed together and he held her close as she drifted into unconsciousness. But he seldom stayed, easing out from under the quilt noiselessly and returning only when utter exhaustion forced his uneasy rest. Finding him gone this morning had been disconcerting to say the least. Hearing the unmistakable symphony of destruction coming from the general direction of the downstairs office had positively shaken her.

Patiently and quietly, she waited, tracing gentle circles across the back of his hand. They had grown calloused in the last couple of years – chasing criminals, ghosts and aliens now in the past, he spent most of his working hours in the great outdoors, splitting fire wood or keeping their home maintained. He'd even managed a small garden, surprising them both with his apparent green thumb. Scully enjoyed watching him work, seeing the strain of labor in the muscles of his back and his arms, the sweat on his face. It seemed cohesive to her – the strength she knew lived on the inside reflected in the strength she now saw on the outside.

Mulder felt the familiarity of Scully's hand in his and gathered his courage again. She always knew when to simply be there, her quiet presence the only thing he needed to carry on. He swallowed hard, straightened in his chair and began again.

"It started after the Donnie Phaster case. It wasn't the first time I'd nearly lost you but I guess it triggered something inside me. You were so important to me already. You know Scully, I knew the first day you walked into my office my life had changed. You made something inside me come to life, like a part of me had been missing - a part I had no idea I even needed. And then you were almost gone – again. That's when I started having this recurring dream. It was a slide show of every moment I've nearly lost you. Sometimes one image will linger, really driving home the powerlessness I felt at that particular moment. Then it's on to the next. There's no sound. No movement. Just still shots of the worst memories I have. God, they're so real – the feelings so raw. It's truly incredible the terrible things our subconscious can bring to life. Anyway…it played from beginning to end, no skips, no stops, and then it would be over. I would wake up, exhausted and scared, counting the minutes until I could see you or hear your voice again. You know, those nights I would call you at three or four in the morning to discuss some stupid case – usually those were just nights I couldn't wait until daylight to make sure you were ok."

Scully felt her eyes begin to fill. They had been together so long and yet he had never told her of his feelings for her in the beginning. She had no idea he had come to care for her so early in their partnership on the X Files. To think of it now, knowing all the horrible things that happened to them both during their partnership, she shuddered at the pain he must have relived over and over in his nightmare. And she knew his story wasn't finished. She knew there was a much bigger, more horrible demon tormenting him now – the thought of what was to come made her stomach begin to burn.

"When I found you in that hole in the ground last year…"

His voice failed him. How could tell her? How could he confess his secret and make her relive even a second of the terror she had been through at the hands of that psychotic bastard? What kind of man did that to the woman he loved? He hated himself for not being strong enough to move on on his own.

Mulder closed his eyes and was transported back in time to that day 14 months before…

ch 2 coming soon!