The Chidori and the Bees, a naruto fanfic

The Chidori and the Bees...?

Or Sasuke and Naruto as drinking buddies? (I can't even decide if they're actually drinking or not.) Basically this was mostly me having fun with two completely different perspectives and attitudes on the same subject(s). Both of them, naturally, are hypocrites, but then everyone is, right? Besides, I imagine that they really rarely get along, but somehow magically seem to do so when you get right down to it.

Warnings for language and completely ambiguous sexuality. Heh.

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At first, Naruto had been stubborn.
"Hmph. I don't see what the big deal is, anyway."
"So she's a bombshell! I don't know why that makes a difference..."
"I could have at least gotten a pat on the head like Tsunade-baba gives me."
"Ew, she's too old."

Then, he had been curious.
"I wonder how long it takes to make their skin and hair look like that. It's not natural, right?"
"What do girls get out of it, anyway? I know how it is for guys, but..."
"Well, they don't act like it! How come they're always so secretive and stuff!"
"I can't ask ero-sennin -- he'll just make up something stupid with his books and crap. I think those women he hangs out with all just after his money."

Then he had gotten comfortable.
"Hey, she's checking you out! What, that's like sixth in the past--since we got here?"
"Hinata-chan's a sweet girl! I'm not about to do anything like that to her!"
"SHE JUMPED ME! I didn't ASK for it--oh, so now you're blaming ME when YOU--"
"Well... yeah..."

Until finally, he started getting on Sasuke's case about it.
"She's hot. Hey, hey, why don't you do her?"
"What about that guy? He's hot too. You sure you're not interested in anyone? Not even guys?"
"What, don't you need to leave kids behind after you kill off your brother?"
"Well, I'd like to be a father one day... but if you're willing I'll make an exception!"

Sasuke, in his own way, had followed a similar route.
Except that he hadn't really changed much.

At first:
"They're annoying."
"You're annoying."
"Don't be crude."
"Do you like her too?"

Then:
"They're annoying."
"I don't see how that sort of pleasure makes any sense."
"I don't care."
"..." (Translation: If they did want it, then why are they hanging off of me?)

And later:
"They're annoying."
"But you'd do any other girl? What's wrong with Hinata?"
"I never said I cared. This is you we're talking about."
"But you liked it?"

Until finally:"They're annoying. You're annoying too."
"There's no point."
"Don't be stupid. What part of NOT INTERESTED is NOT in your vocabulary?"
"That makes even less sense than your stupidity!"

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"Is this your personal quest or something! What does it matter anyway!"
Naruto looked up from his drink and gave a lopsided smile. "Well, it feels really nice..."
Sasuke gave a I Could Care Less look. "So?"
"So? This is sex we're talking about! Of the really awesome type! I can't believe you don't feel anything when those girls try to feel you up whenever we're in a crowded area and stuff!"
"I never said I didn't--"
"Eww, Sasuke, I didn't need to hear that!"
"You said it first, dumbass. I thought you were saying you'd kill to be in that position anyway."
"Yeah, but I don't need to hear it about from YOU."
"I don't see what the difference is from when you were proposing to sleep with me. In any case--"
"So why don't you?"
"It's a waste of time."
"What! How can you call that a waste of time! I'm sure it'll be mind-blowing and all that!"
Sasuke tried not to think about how he got into an argument about how he was not going to sleep with his best friend. "Why the hell are you always so preoccupied by sex? It's detrimental to a shinobi--"
"Not getting laid is too."
Sasuke sighed. "What does it matter? Either way it's none of your business."
"But you're my best friend!" Naruto gave him a concerned and slightly horrified look. "I have to be concerned over your (sexual) health before you kill your brother and suicide and then we all hold your funeral on a rainy day and cry and--!" He continued as if he didn't hear Sasuke's irritated 'Don't kill me off!'"--And besides, how do I know you haven't been permanently traumatized from that perverted snake?"

Sasuke gave him another look, this time saying As If You're One To Talk. Then he sighed.

"Look you idiot, just because I'm a virgi--"
"Waaaaahhhhh! You're not supposed to admit to stuff like that!"
"And why not!"
"Because... I thought you were all for maso... macho... machismo and all that! And all manly people score early!"
"I never said I was one. (But I'm not my brother either.)"
Naruto stopped. "What? But what about all those fights..."
Sasuke looked irritated. "That's pride, usuratonkachi. I wasn't about to be shown up by you."

Naruto open and closed his mouth like a fish/thunked/ his head on the counter. Sasuke would have felt triumphant at that, but there was the actual subject at stake here. So he simply eyed his friend as he picked up his drink.

"I don't see how that's any better..." was the groaned response.
"Besides," Sasuke said, picking up his tomato juice, "It's not like I care about any of those noisy women enough to sleep with them."
"You don't care about ANYTHING enough to sleep with them, asshole."
Sasuke put his drink down again and Looked at his best friend. "Why are you getting so worked up about this?"
Naruto looked at his glass, then at him. "Ummm...Because!"
Sasuke gave an exasperated look. "That's not an answer."
"But, but...!"
"NARUTO. I don't care who said what about me or how much they paid or dared you -- I'm not sleeping with anyone. Not even you."

At first, Naruto appeared to be taken aback by that statement (not to mention the use in every single written type of emphasis), but then he seemed to ponder visibly and deeply on it. Sasuke repressed the urge to twitch.

Until finally, Naruto said, "If you don't care other people think, then did you always rise up to every single challenge I said, no matter how stupid?"
Sasuke looked away in embarassment. "Besides being a stubborn brat?"
Naruto's jaw became unhinged. "You can actually admit to that?"
"Of course I can! What about you!"
"Well, yeah, but not when you're right in front of me! Geez, Sasuke..."
Sasuke's eyebrow twitched. "If I can't admit it to you, why would I bother to admit it to anyone else?"
"...Because you're still a stubborn brat? Oww!" Naruto whined as Sasuke clocked him one and went back to drinking.
He pouted and took a swig of his own drink. Sasuke ignored him.
"So... what are you going to do when you have to revive your clan?" he asked, as if asking his plans for the weekend. For all Sasuke knew he could seriously be.
"Nothing," was all he said.
"Nothing! You can't be serious about that, you even said it was your ambit---oh. Ohhhh."

Sasuke twitched (again) as Naruto's smile turned into a smug grin.

"So you have a girlfriend or something and you just don't want to tell me because you're a stubborn brat?"
Sasuke refused to answer that. "Hmph."
"Saaaasukeeeeee..." Who was still being a brat here? "C'mon, you gotta tell me these things! Who's going to be your best man for the wedding?"
"Kakashi and I'm not getting married, you idiot."
"No way, he'd be the father giving you away!"
"WHAT? I'm not a fucking girl, you dumbass!"
"Well, how I do know! You're not telling me anything, cheapskate! For all I know you could be planning on ambushing me using the sexy-no-jutsu and having babies that way! ...Which would actually be kinda cool since you'd make a really hot chick and if I'd be doing you doing you as a woman would be even better... well, if you're the woman, I don't really want a repeat of the last time I... hey, are you listening?"

Nothing.

Naruto looked curiously at that, then continued on as if he didn't fear for his life at this point. Perhaps he didn't -- Sakura could swear that he never did. "Even Ino said that... well, actually she said that the only thing hotter than me would be me doing a female you now that we're grown up and stuff but I think she was just exxagerating, you know? And..."
"Who."
"Err... me?"
"Who."
"..."
"Who."
Okay, now the Sharingan was seriously creeping him out. "Err... what are you trying to ask?"
"Who."
"Uh... who gave me the idea? That was Ino, but I thought the rest up myself... or... who did I do as a chick? Uh... if you can believe it, Shikamaru. From what he told me I practically jumped his ass or something 'cause he--urk."

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Alternate Ending (I swear I'll write the real one one day. Maybe. Hopefully.)

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The Godaime looked up from her report and dango. "Okay, so here I have several reports of indecent exposure, destruction of private property, damaged goods, assault, and a few cases of sexual assault/harrassment in which the accused directly stated your fight as part of the cause..."
"Wait wait wait, that is SO not our fault. How were we to cause someone /else/ getting--"
Elbow to the ground. "Let me finish!"
"Yes'm," came the floor. Sasuke said nothing.

"...and finally, a veternarian bill."
Sasuke kicked Naruto awake. He groaned and made several hand signs at him. "You owe me a new one, bastard," he groaned out.
"Ahem. So what atually happened? Report."
Naruto jumped up as if he hadn't been injured at all and pointed his finger at Sasuke, who turned away haughtily. "It's his fault! He didn't want to say who it was that he was going to get hooked up with and have awesome sex with and wasn't going to let me take his virginity and stuff so I took him by the knees and--"

Naruto didn't get to finish as he was still bleeding from the dango stick that Tsunade was wielding.

The said Godaime gritted her teeth. "Let me rephrase that. Can I have an explanation from YOU, Sasuke, without the IchaIcha Paradise material?" She ignored the protest of 'Hey! I didn't even get to that part yet!' and folded her hands on her desk.

Here it was, all laid out for him. Victory was in his grasp. Sasuke slowly began to smirk.

"No." Was all he said, and he was gone, leaving Naruto to explain everything.