IT'S TOO COLD OUTSIDE (FOR ANGELS TO DIE)
Summary:The snowflakes hold the best and worst memories for Kendall. He was born in a snowstorm, he got his first kiss in the snow, he got everything and lost everything in the snow. He just questions himself sometimes how something as simple as snow can make him so torn up, so hurt and so happy at the same time.
Characters: Kendall centred, mentions of Logan, James, Carlos, Mama Knight. Mentions of Kogan.
Rated: M (for things mention on the warning)
Warnings: Lots of curse words, mentions of death, mentions of drug use, mentions of prostitution, curse word side by side with god ( don't mean to offend anyone with that), use of the word whore, hooker ( I don't support the use of offensive sexist words i think if people wants to work with prostitution for free spontaneous will is their choice and I have no place to judge but I felt the word fit the self loadding place Kendall was in), some guilt trip/sef hate, I guess thats all.
AN: Okay, this is the first BTR I finished writing and posted, I have this in my head for quite a long time since I saw one of the pics of Kendall photoshoot the one he was wearing the sweater, and i just know he looked sad and tired, and at the same time i was kind of adicted to ed sheeran so i just start to think as kendall as hooker and all then to top it all off I heard Birdy version of A-Team, and you guys should all go hear 'cause it's sad as fuck cause Birdy voice makes everything a 10000 times sadder and then this stayed in my mind, but writing is a hard process to me it really takes a lot of my energy since most things i write is angst I just need to feel like in this super super sad yet creative and patience vibe, 'cause well i suck at writing in portuguese, i all mix tenses so in a language that is not my first is somewhat more hard so yeah for some weird destiny somewhat 6 months after i first though of this i manage to write so here it is. Oh, if there's any grammar mistake you should let me know, even though i probably not gonna fix them 'vause i'm laaaazy but just so i know. And if you want to review well fell free, to be honest i probably not gonna read i have this weird shit with reviews and this deep fear of cricism. So hope you like. And it's sad and angs so you guys already know that there's NO happy ending, I just can't never manage to make myself write something happy. Sorry about the long Author Note i guess I'm happy that i fanally took this out my head and on the paper :)
Kendall pic that inspired this: /file/d/0B9k6tjvQ4KgEWU4teWhvZEttOXc/edit?pli=1
before the bar put .com :)
He sat there on his lumpy mattress that lay in the middle of the living room that he use as a couch, that is if he had any guests, just watching the snowflakes falling outside of his dirty window. The snow was so beautiful, but at the same time all so sad to him. Right now, he was feeling so fucking awful. It was one of the time when he went out of the completely numb feeling he usually got, to the agonizing hurt in his chest and largest knot in his stomach.
The chilly air of his apartment made him tremble slightly, he was just felt so fucking awful and queasy. He really needed something, any shit but he couldn't even muster the strength to be on his feet let alone go out to the streets to buy some coke. So he chose to feel miserable, lonely, 'cause in the end he guessed that he deserved 'because it was all his fault. It was to go see his fucking hockey game out of town that James, Carlos and Logan decided to drive in the middle of a snowstorm. It was his own fucking fault that he lost his two lifelong best friends and the love of his life, the man he planned to marry since he was 14 and they kissed for the first time.
He just doesn't know why he deserved to live and the three best persons he ever met in his life needs to die at 18 year old, while still a freshman in college. He couldn't even fathom what kind of fuck up god would think that was a good thing to take the love of his life, in such a painful death, while him the selfish asshole that made the people he loved the most went through the most horrible storm. All because he couldn't play a single game out of town without someone to cheer him. So he whined and annoyed Logan until he cave in and because of that he died fucking frozen while bleeding to death in the middle of a crashed car, in between the lifeless bodies of his two best friends - or at the least thats what the doctors told to Kendall. While the motherfucker he was stayed the alive just to become an addicted to every shit possible to be on the planet and have to become a whore, a worthless hooker on the street, that is used as a toy by the most disgusting men in the middle of creepy alleys just because he needed crack while his mother probably cried herself to sleep every night since he ran out of rehab for the third time in the year.
He knew this cycle of his mom finding him in jail for prostitution, bail him out while crying her eyes out, send him to rehab with the savings of Katie's college fund in hope that he become at least 1/10 of what he was before all this tragedy, before the love of his life was gone forever, would repeat itself eternally, or at least until he was gone or his mother giving up on him. And to be honestly he wouldn't be able to handle if she ever give up on him, he couldn't handle another person leaving him, he couldn't handle being the 'cause of so much misery and pain to so much people who were wonderful. He needed to end this fucking cycle. He needed to end everything and what a better day to do it that on a snow day. After all he was born in the middle of a snowstorm, he met Logan, Carlos and James in a snowfight in their neighbourhood, he made love to Logan for the first time with marvelous snowflakes as background, the life of his other half was took because of a snowstorm, so it was only fair and somewhat poetic if he was gone in a snow day too.
He opened his window, got up on the parapet just taking a deep breath, feeling the ice cold against his bare torso, the chilly air burning his face while all the memories hit him, the snow angels, the snow fights, skating with logan, kissing him in the snow, playing hockey with the guys, being in front of a fireplace laughing while drinking on their mugs full of hot cocoa. Them he saw their body, crushed bleeding so much that the snow outside of the car was getting red. And he took a single step into the cold air that surrounded him, almost felt like an angel flying while everything went away and the only thing left was the cold.