Note: Me somewhat venting on both sides, through the voices of Sam and Dean and Cas. Hope you all like it! This season has just been crazy!
Title: Sorry
Summary: Dean, Sam, and Castiel are struggling not only with the choices that they made in the past, but the reactions their choices have had on others.
Rated: PG-13 for lang
Setting: Season 8
Characters: Dean, Sam, Castiel
Genre: Drama/Angst
Dis: I don't own SPN!
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Sam
He laid in the darkness, pretending to be asleep, the choices of his past haunting him. His brother was back, and he was happy that Dean was no longer in Purgatory, but he was also lost. Guilt was eating at him, guilt he didn't think he should feel but couldn't help but to with the constant attacks Dean dealt out about lost trust. He knew Purgatory changed his brother, perhaps for the better, but the knife that Dean constantly seemed to be stabbing in his chest was starting to draw blood.
How was he supposed to know? Didn't Dean know that he tried? He didn't have any of the blood needed to make another weapon and follow Dean. He turned up in the negative on every scenario he thought of. There was no way into Purgatory. He didn't dare try with Crowley, for he no longer had anything to bargain with, and he was certain that the King of Hell would've offed him when given the chance. Meg had vanished and the Angels weren't listening either, and so Sam did what he thought Dean would want him to do. What Dean HAD done when Sam had been locked in that box. He had moved on. He had moved on for that chance to be normal again and what had it gotten him?
A brother that thought he didn't love him and gave up on him as well as a broken heart. Who the hell did Dean think he was anyway? Didn't he go and make a life with Lisa after defeating Lucifer and Michael? Why was it that Dean got to quit but not him?
Sam's fists clenched at the thought. Dean was attacking him for past mistakes, mistakes that he would take back if he could, but it seemed like it didn't matter. HE wasn't trustworthy. HE had changed. It was HIS fault… Always HIS fault. Sam clenched his eyes closed as tears threatened to fall. He would NOT cry… He wouldn't give Dean the satisfaction…
'Why Dean? Why can't you see that when you are gone I am lost? I tried, I tried but I couldn't move on. Can't you see that I'm broken, too? We're both broken and we need each other to be whole again. Just… Why can't you let me back in? Why are you taking sides with a vampire instead of your brother? I get Cas, I really do, but we're BLOOD. We're the Winchester's. We're supposed to get through all the crap and be ok… Why can't we just be ok?'
Dean
He glanced in the mirror and couldn't help but frown. He's getting older. Hell, he looked like crap. The years of fighting were getting to him, of fighting for a cause that had been lost to him until recently. A year ago he'd never have thought of a vampire as more of a friend than his own brother, than Cas, and that it would be the same vampire that got him back on track.
Now, back from Purgatory, Dean was at a familiar Crossroads. No, he wasn't about to start making any deals anytime soon, but it seemed like year after year, something always happened that got him disappointed in something or someone. Sam, he couldn't believe how he had changed, how he had abandoned the fight… Abandoned him.
So maybe their situations were similar. He had gotten together with Lisa after he thought he lost Sam to hell, but he never abandoned the fight. Not really. He tried, he friggen tried looking for answers and when they didn't pop up THAT was when he moved on. Sam made him promise to move on…
He never made Sam promise to move on…
Was he being a drama queen? Maybe the feeling of betrayal from Cas was carrying over into Sam. Cas, who turned his back on them, unleashed an army of leviathan, then abandoned him in Purgatory when he needed him the most.
"Dammit," he cursed, hands gripping the edge of the sink as he leaned against it.
'What am I supposed to do, Sammy? I'm tired. So damn tired of people leaving me. I'm tired of being a pawn in someone's endgame. Dad, Grandpa, Cas, You… You all betrayed me at some point. Left me in the dark grasping for an ounce of truth, somewhere to belong, and I'm just tired of being the one that say's that its ok. It's not ok. Not really. I'm just tired… I'm tired of it all…Why… Why couldn't I have just died?'
Castiel
He was trying. Things were so confusing. He knew what he did before was… wrong. He now knows that using those souls had been an act of evil. He had been naive, tricked by the King of Hell. Why didn't Dean see that? The human saying "he's only human" could be used in this context. He was only an Angel. He did what he thought his Father would want him to do against Lucifer. He had no idea the repercussions. No one had until it was too late and he turned into the vessel for the Leviathan.
He hadn't wanted to fight anymore. He had wanted it to end. Then Dean had found him, and he thought that maybe… But then Sam got sick and he made the sacrifice to save him. A sacrifice that ended up getting him locked in a room with a demon as a guard. A demon, Meg, had shown more kindness to him than someone he thought as a friend. Why didn't Dean see that everything he had done he'd done for him? For humanity?
They just pushed him aside until they needed him then brought him into a fight he wanted no part of. Dean didn't see that it all had been too fresh at the time. That every time he saw one of the black masses swirling beneath a human vessel that he got sick to his stomach and that the guilt got so great that he just wanted to leave. Now… Now Dean was pressing him to go back to heave and a small part of him wanted to but he was afraid…
'Don't you see, Dean? I'm a fallen angel. I am lost. I have killed so many. Their blood is still fresh on my hands. How can I got back to a place of the Lord with all that blood on my hands? It's why I wanted to stay in Purgatory. I can't. I can't deal with the pain… Why was I brought back? Why… Why can't heaven just let me die? I'm sorry Dean… Sam… I'm sorry for all the pain I caused. It's all my fault and I don't know how to fix it. Please… Show me what I need to do to fix it…'
I'M SORRY…
END