A/N: So I am beyond out of my
comfort zone here and this could just be the biggest piecer I have ever
written but I couldn't shake the idea so I gave it a go. Thanks to my
ever loyal beta who has read this too many times to count in varying
stages. That's all I've got, holidays are exhausting. Enjoy-
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I'm gonna send a little rain to pour down on you
Rain that makes the flowers bloom
Rain to leave you all alone
That keeps eyelashes falling
And wishes washed away
- Jack's Mannequin, "Kill The Messenger"
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It takes a special caliber of person. Simple as that. It takes a unique individual to be the messenger. To be the person who literally damages worlds and scars lives. To be the person who has to look into pooling eyes and announce that plans will not be carried out and change will be inevitable (which, as he has found, people do not deal well with). He doesn't like to think about it all that often because when you stop to ponder it you begin to feel guilty; to feel responsible when you aren't the one to blame in the first place. And when you start to feel guilty you fall in love with your best friend's wife and nothing about that situation is advantageous. Nothing.
He's done it many times. He's had tons of practice. Namely the job. In the earlier years, before picking plastic surgery he would play the delivery boy in a handful of less than desirable outcome cases. He's been clung to while tears soaked his scrubs, he's been yelled and screamed at by mothers, fathers, daughters and sisters, and one time he was even slapped. It's not a great job but someone has to do it.
Sometimes, even now and especially working in a hospital on reconstructive cases he still has to hand out bad news. In New York he had to do it himself, no one was stupid enough to give him interns anymore and he was happy just the same. There's something to be said for looking into the eyes of someone who has just lost everything because of something he did or was not able to do with his handy knife in the cold sterile room. To be the person where blame is appropriated even when there should be none. Now, he sends whatever lowlife thinks that they want to go into his field. They squirm and whine but they adapt and get used to the part. He likes to think he is helping them grow up; to help them break out of their happy candy coated shell and emerge into the mouth of the beast.
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He's Derek's wingman. Not the other way around. Make no mistake about it; Mark Sloan does not need a wingman. Hell, he hardly needs to be breathing to get a woman in his bed with her legs in the air and back arched against the mattress. Some things come easy to him, scoring scorching hot women without inhibitions is one of them. In the later years his therapist would tell him he is merely masquerading as a secure and confident individual; that he isn't a whole person. But it doesn't take a whole person to be a messenger. It takes a friend; a loyal and devoted friend.
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It was bred from his parent's relationship, or lack thereof. From the beginning of his world he was carrying messages along in his chubby hands between people who probably shouldn't have been allowed to procreate. But that wasn't his call; the only thing that remains his is how he refuses to procreate. The cycle has to stop somewhere. There was that one time with Addison, but he isn't going there. Not now; not ever again. At least not with any emotional attachment. She made her choice and he'll be damned if he falls victim to her for more than a booty call. So somewhere pre-girl problems and post shuffling papers from his drunkard of a mother and workaholic of a father it became routine and really how do you change the things that you were born into?
Maybe
that's his downfall. But he didn't cause it. They did that. This was
his model for a good relationship until he met Derek's parents. From
there it was a downslide of covering his ass when he said something
inappropriate (that he didn't know to be inappropriate) because
ignorance is no defense, and learning what parents are actually
supposed to be. In a way he was forced upon Derek and don't think that
there haven't been nights where he kind of reflects with a bottle of
good scotch thinking only, if only he could have not followed the
stupid football into his neighbor's yard. They all could have been
spared but it doesn't matter because he is the messenger. And when
that's all you've got- you tend to cling like static.
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So the first time it always goes the same and standing in front of Meredith tonight while feeling Derek's glare in the back of his skull he knows she will be no different. She buys into the charm, the little smile (that he has come to realize that people find soothing) and the honest tone of his voice. Eating out of his palm he offers to drink with her but she declines, like they always do, the first time. He sees it in her eyes. She believes him. So he spins around with his wedding gift from Yang and stalks off. He did his job; the best he could. And in this moment he would do it again, and probably will even have to with Meredith. She doesn't deserve it but that's not his call. He's almost like Addison in that way; willing to do any damn thing for Derek but his isn't based out of guilt. It's based from love and friendship (and alright maybe a splash of guilt but a little penance couldn't hurt their relationship). He's a good friend.
So what if best friends don't step up to bat and sleep with their wives for them when they are too busy cutting someone's brain open? He'd do it again; for Derek, for Addison, for himself, to break their cycle of perpetual hell. It wasn't a mercy fuck; it was something so screwed up that he can't even put a word to it and gave up trying months ago when she emerged breathless in the hallway followed by Karev.
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Addison probably played along the longest of them all; then again she was the wife. But it started back in medical school. He would explain in a condescending and arrogant manner that Derek was too busy studying or something equally asinine and she went along and promised to call him later. Then it was missed dinners, ruined anniversary plans, ditching family to be at work and finally just complete absence. He knows the drill. Addison was the toughest to crack (not that there were a lot of women in his best friend's life but most of them gave up after the third or so excuse). Eventually her loneliness overcame the notion of not being seen in public with another man and without her husband present and they would commiserate together. They started doing to many things together. He stopped being the messenger and he started being the stand-in Derek. Whoever's fault that is he is still unsure but he is definitely not taking all the blame.
He started to feel bad about the tears that would inadvertently collect in her eyes when she was drunk, exclaiming about how her husband didn't love her anymore. He began to feel things when she would accidentally brush up against him, or any sort of touching. He started feeling responsible for her melancholy attitude and bought her things. Little things like coffee or another pen (because she loses them faster than he cares to understand) and stopping by to check on her even when Derek didn't send him. He started to feel less like the paper boy and more like the husband and it won't work like that. There are rules to being the messenger. Don't get attached, don't get involved and don't get your loyalties mixed up. He faltered, just once with her and he will never live it down.
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Intending to head back to his hotel room, alone (though he will undoubtedly brag about a non-existent conquest to Karev tomorrow because that's what they do) he catches sight of Derek walking out Meredith. That's different. There was never a time before when he manned up and stopped playing 'hide and seek' in order to be with a woman. Suddenly the routine is changed up and Mark thinks, maybe, just maybe he can stop playing this role that has consumed his life. He can stop being the bigger guy for Derek who never means to hurt anyone but eventually screws up everything he touches. They're never the same after him. He's infectious and leaves things festering under the surface long after he's presumably moved on. Mark's intuitive but he's not one to judge, he doesn't have a leg to stand on anyway so instead he keeps it to himself. No one knows Derek better than Mark.
Thinking better of catching up to them he walks slowly scuffing his feet along the concrete. They do not have a good relationship. From her inferred family issues and his wife issues it's all hanging on by a thread. He brought that up once but that was breaking rules one and two, but definitely not three (good friends point out things that others never want to recognize and deal with). Shot down and yelled at he now keeps his opinions on the inside no matter how right he may be. He's the messenger. Don't get involved; don't get attached. Maybe this time around he will get it right. Maybe they will both get it right for once and he can be free.
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