Hey, good night guys, uhm, this is something I wrote today and I felt like sharing with you. I hate the term 'Songfic' but it is really what this kinda is.
Bold italics are lyrics, italics are thoughts.
Please, enjoy.
Looking for drugs in all the wrong places,
wanted to be famous but ended up nameless.
Love is not the answer, I'm in love with this stuff.
I spent every last dime in a stranger's trunk.
Piper Chapman finds herself rummaging through her bedroom, trying to find the last of the money she saved from her previous job. She needs it to try to numb the pain she's feeling, to buy herself yet another joint, or beer, or heroin… anything and everything to help her through the night. A desperate feeling in her gut, she can feel the itch, the despair for another dose of her most toxic drug.
Alex Vause.
But this will most likely never happen again. She has to quit cold turkey, because Alex Vause will never again give her another taste of her sweet poison. She fucked up really good this time, and she was sure Alex could never forgive her. It's been one month since she last saw Alex, since they last talked, and to be honest, Piper felt like dying, quite literally, because ever since they've broken up, she has done anything but sleep, go out, get drunk beyond this world, doped, scream at random people, barely eat, pass out on the streets, and of course… work.
And by work she meant having sex for money, because there's nothing else she could have done, besides she wasn't in any mood to work on anything else. Having sex was the easiest thing, at least for her, because every damn time that happened she would just block out the entire world and take refuge in her own. A world created by nothing more but memories and useless delusions. Of herself and Alex.
Together.
In her –their- perfect world.
She comes back to reality after finally finding her last savings. She hastily puts on her coat and speeds out of her flat. Practically running to that specific spot nearly out of town, where she knows all the right connections to anything she desired.
After a good half-hour walk, she arrives to her destination, palms and forehead sweaty.
"Hey, Brad" Piper says a little out of breath.
"Piper" the tall guy with blonde hair, smiling with crooked teeth.
"What can I offer you on this fine night ma'am" He asks her, still smiling an empty smile that does not reach his blood shot eyes.
"Snowflake, my friend" Piper says emotionless.
"Ooh, planning to fly high?" Brad jokes, but Piper's just annoyed.
"Yeah, well, you know me. Just give it already!" The blonde woman says as she hands him the money.
"Well, okay, missy, here ya' go" He says as he hands her the magic powder.
"Thanks, see ya' soon, Brad" Piper tells him just as she starts turning around and heading to the nearest club. She already has the perfect place to snort it.
She gets to the side of the building that is the club and goes to the back, where she's so familiar with the kids hanging out there. Most of them are teenagers, but she gets along pretty well with them, she's barely older than them. Just 22 years old. The alley is dimly-lit and smells strongly of booze and sex. But she doesn't care, because she will not stay for long anyway.
She sits down beside a flimsy girl with really short hair that she acknowledges as Poussey and her friends.
"Yo, Taylor Swift, how you doing?" she asks, and she seems genuinely happy, but there's always something in her eyes that tells everyone she's not. (Aside from the fact that she's always drunk and doped, of course.)
"Hey!" Piper smiles timidly and stays with them for a little while, half hearing their conversation, her mind wandering to the stuff she has on her left pocket. So without hesitation, she takes it out, and everyone starts to whistle and scream, but she just calmly says:
"Nope, this is personal, sorry" and proceeds to roll up a bill and form those straight white lines, just to make them disappear a second later, submitting to the substance that first got her there. She feels alone.
She starts feeling that euphoria and that sensation that she could run for miles and no one would catch up with her, she starts to feel hyperactive and just stands up and runs to the club, where she would have fun.
She enters and goes straight to the bar, orders a beer and empties it in a matter of seconds, dancing her way to the dancefloor, where she feels like she has all the power in this world, the sounds and colors magnified.
But just as she's feeling fine, her clearer mind takes her again to the main reason she's doped. Alex. And she feels like she wants to cry and kill somebody, she starts to feel a burning sensation deep in her chest, where her heart should be. "If Alex wouldn't have taken it with her" she thinks and lets a wave of sadness roam through every fiber of her body, right before she scolds herself internally and tries to be fine. Without her. "Fuck her, I don't need her, I don't need love."
Lies.
It's all right. It's okay.
I'm alright. I'll be okay.
She enters the bathroom, seeking for something to make her forget. About Alex, about her job, her life, fuck, about the world. And surely she finds it.
Near the last stall there's a small girl that looks so intoxicated that she may pass out any second, and Piper boldly walks towards her and just crashes her lips with the girl's, kissing her fiercely. The teenager is shocked at first but returns the kiss almost immediately, just as passionately as she could.
Piper pushes her to the wall and ravages her body, wildly taking her right there, without a care in the world. The girl just lets her. And just as fast as it started, it ends.
Piper walks out of the bathroom, pleased with herself, and frantic to get another high. Whichever kind, just feel whatever and anything at the same time. Just something to fill her void. But as the night progresses, she realizes that's impossible, she feels good, but she knows what's ahead of her. Never quite enough to feel right. And her body has become more tolerant with all the illegal substances.
She still feels alone.
First time I felt like I was gonna die,
but I've gotten pretty good at telling myself it's fine.
Anna talks me down and gives me sips of her beer,
head pounding reveille, how did I get here?
She keeps flirting with everyone in the bar and the dancefloor, guys and girls, kissing them, making out, whispering sweet nothings and shallow promises of new encounters she was sure would never happen. Until she recognizes Poussey and her friends dancing a few feet away from her, so she goes to them and blends in without a single word.
They all continue to dance, smoke and drink like there is no tomorrow and Piper wonders how are they even friends if they seem to not care about the others, because, -she thinks- that when you care about someone, you don't let them do all this things to fuck up their lives for good, but they all do the same things and no one says a thing and Piper starts to feel sick.
She lies to herself, but she feels alone and empty.
It's all right. I'll be okay.
Let it go, let it go all the way down 'til there's nowhere left to fall.
It's a shame, all the ways we build ourselves up just to let each other down.
She rushes out of the club, without turning around when she hears her name. She wanders the streets, looking for something. Someone. But she's not here. "And even if she was…" Piper cannot bring herself to finish that thought because she fears she will break down right there. So she does the only thing that makes sense to her. Being around 6 am, her ride to paradise was almost reaching its end and Piper wasn't sure how she got there, but before her brain could register anything, Brad was smiling at her again.
Looking for drugs in all the wrong places,
felt a change coming but I couldn't face it.
I tried to keep my cool when I finally made it home,
I had a blood shot excuse for every lie I told.
"Dear, what's it gonna be? Brad says, looking really fucked up, while a girl was on her knees giving him a blow job.
Piper doesn't even care about the scene in front of her and desperately asks him:
"If I help that girl would you give me a decent blunt?" Not a single fuck is given.
"Only if you're good at it, blondie" he says viciously.
It's all right. It's okay. I'm alright. I'll be okay.
Let it go, let it go all the way down 'til there's nowhere left to fall.
It's a shame, all the ways we build ourselves up just to let each other down.
So she kneels down. Shuts her eyes closed and just gets done with it. Feeling his dick raping every inch of her mouth. The taste makes her sick and she wants to throw up, but she remembers the price ahead of this and just resists.
Pearly, hot, salty liquid is released all the way up to her throat and she has two choices. But she knows that she has to swallow the thing to have her price. So she does, trying not to retch. Almost failing.
"Shit, blondie… that was good!" Brad says smugly and rummages through his car to look for the blunt he promised Piper.
"Here you go" He says as he gives it to her.
"When will the next time be?" Brad asks her happily but Piper's already walking home, giving him the finger, not turning around to look at the man.
She's in a haze, fog clogging her mind, dazed, blinded by the groundswell of emotions rushing through her freely. She makes it home, and finally allows herself to feel the pain. The despair growing inside her like a million ghosts, always inside.
So she lets herself remember the good and the bad things she had with Alex by her side. Wishing to look again at that pair of emerald eyes. Those were the most beautiful eyes she has ever laid eyes on. And she knows that she's not longer capable of loving anyone. She doesn't even have a soul anymore because she gave it to the love of her life. And all she can think about now is everything that Alex is.
Last night is all a blur to me,
I don't remember anything,
but I vaguely recall being alone.
A few hours later, the sky was getting dark again. Piper slept all day. As always. And as soon as she opens her eyes, the images of the green orbs invade her mind. Every single bit of it. And she can't help it, but there's something about this particular time.
She doesn't feel too sad about it. And her heart stops for a moment, just to start beating faster and louder.
"I feel like I'm gonna' see her" she hopefully thinks. Getting excited and nervous and sad and everything at the same time. Because she wouldn't know how to react if she indeed watched the tall, hot, raven-haired girl. She thinks she'll die right there and then. But again, she mentally kicks herself for thinking that. She's not gonna' see her. Maybe she's just paranoid from all the drugs she had consumed. But she just wants so bad to be able to at least see her.
Because no matter how many nights and days had gone by, she can't stop loving Alex with all her heart. She aches for her every second of every day, and as much as she hates to admit it, the drugs, the girls, the boys, the music, the experiences, none of them could ever replace her. Not a single bit of her. No matter what she does, there's always this complete emptiness inside of her. Like all of the light she was made of was now nothing but shades and dark ghosts.
She is lost.
It's all right. It's okay. I'm alright. I'll be okay.
The days come and go, and Piper is still the same. Yet a lot more broken, miserable, unhappy, wretched and all of the adjectives together, because the truth is:
Alex hasn't come back. "And she never will". She thinks as she walks through a muddy lane that leads to a little lake by a hill, far outside the city. This used to be Piper and Alex's favorite place, and frankly, Piper doesn't know what she's doing here. Tonight she wanted to feel calm, no drugs, for once and just try to heal properly. And she ends up here, where she knows she'll fall apart to a thousand shards.
She just thinks of Alex, like she always does, reminding every part of her, having engraved on her memory every expression of her beautiful face, every tiny wrinkle, every scar, her perfect eyebrows, the bags under her eyes and her perfectly white teeth. And of course, her radiant, aglow green eyes. "God. She's a goddess."
She's disoriented and must be crazy, hell, she's sure she's got psychosis, she's hallucinating because right at the shore of the lake, a pair of quiet green eyes are staring at her.
A/N: The song is called 'Songs for teenagers' by Fake Problems if you feel like listening to it. (:
Also, should I continue this? Because I think is good as a one-shot too. Thanks!