All I can think about is death. I know it would wig out my step sister and the rest of my family if they knew, but often, I wish I was the one who died that night. I wish that I was the one in that casket, being buried under the ground. Instead I have to continue facing life. I am the one having to continue on, acting in ways that I am suppose to.
All my friggin' life I was such the "individual" but I wasn't. Not really. It was all about doing things that other people weren't but I was still concerned about people's opinions of me. Like in eighth grade with Travis. I wanted to change because of him. How was that being an individual? But all my friends continued to say I was an individual and I believed it. Then I moved back to California and things changed. My friends changed. My view of life changed. My wants and desires changed. Funny enough, even though Sunny Winslow was going through hard times it was her who made me realise that I was living through everyone else. I needed to be me. Whatever that meant.
I don't think my Stoneybrook friends understand why I stopped writing to them but since the only Stoneybrook friend I kept in touch with was my step- sister, I have learnt that most of my old friends have broken apart. We have all grown up and apart.
Now I am on the plane back to Stoneybrook. After what happened in California, after everything, dad wants to pretend that his little girl is safer back in Stoneybrook where she was kept in a box. I cannot even begin to write down all my feelings right now. I cannot even sort out my thoughts long enough to make this entry coherent it.
Mom is going to meet me at the airport then we are going to go out for dinner, just her and me. Then we'll go back to the house and have another chat with Mary Anne and Richard. Mom said on the phone last night she wanted to hear from me what happened before we met with the rest of the family, before I returned to school, which apparently starts in a couple of days.
How can I explain my life, how things have changed so drastically over dinner? How can I tell her that I got sick of being everyone's girl and started to be my own person? That I pulled away from everything I knew so I could learn who I was, that the only person who supported me during this time was Sunny because in her own way she was doing the same thing. She was trying to learn who she was without her mother being there for her. I imagine Dad told Mom that I was involved in the same things that Sunny was, which wasn't true. I had my limits. Before that night, I was making my decisions to pull away from Sunny because she was involved in things I could no longer stay by her.
I don't know. Maybe I could start my story off with what happened to Maggie Blume. Mom knew that in eighth grade she had an eating disorder but she didn't know that as much as Maggie tried to get in under control it became too much for her in tenth grade. Maggie was hospitalized and almost died. That just made Sunny all that much more crazier. Sunny couldn't deal with the fact of another death. I wonder if Sunny ever dealt with her mother's death in a positive way. It was during this point Sunny pushed Ducky away forever.
I could never tell mom all these stories. How could I tell Mom that the sunny Sunny Winslow reacted so badly to Maggie's problems that she started to use sex as an escape? It was at that point Sunny, who was already abusing alcohol moved to narcotics.
Of course I have changed. How could I not? I don't know. I simply don't know. Maybe I will just tell her the bare bone facts of that night. We went to a party. Sunny had too much to drink. I tried to take her home but she refused. I stayed with her because I was afraid something bad would happen to her. Sunny died in my arms.
Really, that's all Mom needs to know. That's all anyone knows. Maybe one day I'll tell someone the whole story but I'm not ready now.
-Dawn Schafer
Dawn sat at the booth across from her mother. Both picked at their salad. Dawn knew this dinner was a bad idea. It was just awkward. As much as her mother- or any mother- would hate to admit it, they simply grew apart in the years Dawn was in California. Really, as Dawn saw it, after a year of being in sunny California, she just stopped talking with those in Stoneybrook. It wasn't truly intentional but she didn't connect with her old friends anymore and she didn't really want to talk about her life with her family. She knew her family would always be there, but how can she explain the alienation she felt? How estranged she felt? Dawn's mother would do everything to convince Dawn to return to Stoneybrook if she knew how her daughter felt and Dawn didn't want that. She wanted to stay in Palo City.
Of course the question would be why would she want to stay if she felt so apart from everyone? It was simple in Dawn's mind: it was a time to find out who she was. It was time, as she had recently written in her journal, to move past the "individual" that was Dawn Schafer and become the true Dawn Read Schafer.
"Your father said," her mother paused in mid sentence.
"Said what?" Dawn asked, trying to keep her temper in check. She knew where this was heading. Her mother sighed, as if she was struggling with what to say next.
"He said that you seem to be really struggling lately, especially that your marks have gone down. He was worried because you seemed so withdrawn from most of your friends, except for Sunny. He is worried about you because you just... lost your best friend." Dawn sighed impatiently.
"If dad is so worried, why did he just send me away? Clearly he didn't want to deal with it so he couldn't have been so worried," Dawn bit her lip from saying more. She didn't want to say it but probably the real truth was that he didn't like Dawn interfering with his family, which was stupid. She just didn't know if it was stupid because Dawn was apart of his family or because her father would never think that. Dawn knew it was probably the latter, however it didn't feel like it. When she was 13, Gracie was born, the first daughter to his new wife. Then when she was 15, Shay was born, the beautiful second daughter to his new wife and now, at any moment, the third child was born. Her father was building a new family and there was no place for Dawn. Jeff, Dawn's younger brother, seemed to be welcomed, for now anyway. Jeff was The Son and he would remain that way unless this third child was a boy. Then who knows what would happen to Jeff's golden boy-ness?
"He is worried about you. He didn't think Palo City was a positive place for you, Dawn," her mother stared at her, "You know that. I know that he said that before you got on the plane," she paused, "Dawn, I know this is a tough time for you but you aren't alone. Feel free to open up to me or Richard. We are here for you."
Of course they were. They would say that but really what they meant was, "I'm here for you as long as you are playing by my expectations of you."
"Can we leave?" Dawn asked, putting down her fork. She was only picking at her salad, anyway. Her mother frowned but nodded. It seemed to take forever for the waiter to bring the bill and then for her mother to pay for it. Dawn was more than ready to leave when they finally got into the car. Thankfully Dawn was able to sleep on the way to the old farmhouse. Her mother poked her gently awake. This would be something else Dawn wasn't looking forward to dealing with. Time to see the rest of the family.
Mary Anne Spier hung up the phone gently. She saw her step- mother's car pull into the driveway. Her stepsister would be returning home. Strangely enough, Mary Anne had mixed feelings about the return of her best friend. They had kept in contact since Dawn moved to Palo City, California but it was only once in a while. There would be the random letter discussing how Maggie Blume was back in the hospital, or what crazy antics Sunny Winslow was up to but that was it. Mary Anne never got the full story what was going on out there. She supposed she shouldn't feel too upset since she didn't write either. After Dawn left and she broke up with her long time boyfriend, Logan Bruno, back in grade eight, Mary Anne wanted to change her life. She was tired of being the crybaby and the one everyone took advantage of; however, it took several more years before Mary Anne really started to change. She knew, deep inside, the real change began when Mary Anne quit the Baby-Sitters Club and stopped hanging out with her forever best friend, Kristy Thomas.
The front door slammed shut and she could hear Sharon call out, "We're home!" Mary Anne paused before moving. She heard her father, Richard, come out and greet his family. The familiar voice of her stepsister greeted her stepfather back monotonously. She hesitated. Dawn had enough changes already. Maybe Mary Anne should wait before she went downstairs. Surely, Dawn didn't need any more surprises.
"Where's Mary Anne?" Dawn asked. Richard called for her. Mary Anne swallowed hard. Well, whether Dawn was ready or not for the new Mary Anne, she would see it.
She walked downstairs into the lobby, where Dawn was still standing. Dawn looked exactly the same as she always did. Blue jeans and a t-shirt were customary on Dawn. Today she wore a hemp necklace with a little golden sun on it, and a matching hemp bracelet. In each ear were four little golden hoops. Her long blonde hair, which was so blonde it was almost white, flowed down her back, sort of like a golden river. Dawn was thin, Mary Anne thought, almost sickly thin. Maybe that was a result from the stress her stepsister had to deal with. But it was her blue eyes that stuck out in Mary Anne's mind the most. Before she returned to Palo City, Dawn's blue eyes always shined with happiness and joy. Now they were filled with sadness and seemed hard. It disturbed Mary Anne and filled her with guilt. How could she be off having fun and "discovering herself" while her own sister was so troubled? She was a horrible sister, wasn't she?
The two sisters embraced, without saying a word.
"Mary Anne!" Dawn whispered in her ear, "Look at you!" Mary Anne smiled into Dawn's hair.
"I'm glad to have you home, Dawn," she replied. The two sisters held on for a few more moments. Mary Anne almost thought she could feel Dawn relax in her arms, which, once they pulled away and she saw the pain in the other girl's eyes, she realised it was silly notion.
"Shall we go into the kitchen and have some tea?" Richard said, breaking the moment. Dawn grabbed one of her bags from the floor.
"I would rather just go to bed. My internal clock is all screwed up," Dawn replied and headed to her bedroom. Richard watched, speechless. Mary Anne looked at Sharon, who seemed very weak. Richard must have noticed it too because at that moment he wrapped his arm around his wife.
"Some herbal tea would be great," Sharon said and the pair went into the kitchen. Mary Anne decided it was time to retreat to her room. As she passed Dawn's room, her sister called her in.
"Mary Anne, what the hell?" Dawn asked. Mary Anne wasn't sure if Dawn was upset or not.
"What do you mean?" she asked. Dawn rolled her eyes and went to the window. She opened it and pushed out the screen.
"Your look for one," Dawn replied as she leaned out the window and lit a cigarette.
"What's with that?" Mary Anne asked, "The Dawn I knew would never smoke, especially with what happened to her best friend's mother." Dawn smirked at her sister.
"Yeah, well, people clearly change, don't they?"
"Then it's like you said. People change." Dawn didn't answer and finished her smoke in silence. She replaced the screen but kept the window open. Mary Anne could still smell the smoke. She shook her head and left the bedroom, feeling disgusted. Of all the changes, Dawn would have been the last person she would have thought to begin smoking.
She changed into her pjs and grabbed her journal. Maybe she should have stayed to chat, Mary Anne reflected. Her sister was probably just stressed from the trip and of course the Big Event that happened in California. She didn't need any attitude from Mary Anne. She stood up and peeked down the hall. Dawn's door was now closed and it looked like the lights were out. Maybe she would try again in the morning. Try to be friendly to her wounded sister. In all truth, however, Mary Anne wanted to know what happened in California. No one really knew. All Sharon said was that Sunny had died in Dawn's arms. No, it probably would be a bad idea to question Dawn too soon on what happened. It would be better to wait until Dawn felt more comfortable.
Richard popped his head into the bedroom.
"Tomorrow is the last day of summer, kiddo," he said smiling, "I thought maybe the four of us could go out for breakfast to celebrate my two girl's senior year. Sounds good?" Mary Anne smiled at her father.
"Sounds good, dad," she replied and he left the room. Maybe Dawn's own attitude would disappear in the morning. Maybe she was just tired from the trip. She picked up her pen and began to write.