Title: Not Another X-Men Parody: The First Part Being Um, Part One
Autumn: Autumn
E-mail: dyslexic_crisco_penguin_fiend@hotmail.com
Dedication: For Jenn, her challenge gave me the idea.
Disclaimer: I do own the song bits, and sort of the characters…
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Scene.......
A bar in Canada......
Wise old bar guy: "..........direct from Broadway, we have the mighty Weanieman!"
The crowd laughed, "ahahahahahhahah!"
"I wouldn't test him if I were you. He can be downright, unpleasant." said the wise old bar caller guy......
"I'll take my chances Mister. Why don't you scram and leave the fighting to the real men?" Thug number one said.
"Oh, another thing, don't hit him in the you know where, he hates that." the bar man departed.
The crowed hushed as the Weanieman took his place.
"So, you're the big cheese huh? The man with the giant cahones, feared by all, some would daresay even the man who walks without shadows, because they are too afraid of him?"
"Just call me Weanie." the side burned, muscle laden man said coolly.
"Or sometimes, Petunia."
"How about Patsy?" thug said, whilst punching Weanie square in the chest.
"Never call me that!" the Weanieman growled out.
"Yeah? Well how about I step on your big toe then?"
He slammed his foot down on Weanie's shoeless member. Instantly a terrifying and painful song broke forward.
"Oooooooooooooooooooooooooo
I am the Weanie Man
I own a Weanie stand
I sell most everything
from hotdogs on down
One day I'll find a wife
She'll be my weanie wife
And then we'll start
a weanie fammmmmmmmmmmmm------ily!"
The thug instantly fell upon the floor, clutching his head in pain.
After a count of three the Weanieman was declared the winner and the opponent was drug off unconsciously.
"Any more challeng-nevermind-" the bar man said as he noticed the entire crowd fleeing to the doors.
Neither of them noticed the girl sitting at the corner. She took a long glance at the Weanie man and too quietly sped out the door.
On the road again………….
The weanie man sighed. He's searched the country to find her, but she always remained elusive. He knew he'd have to come across the one eventually. It was the only chance for survival of the weanie name. He shuddered to think what would happen if she was never found.
He lamented. All those years lost looking, because he'd been trapped in that terrible place. The smells, the wicked machinery, the stench of burgers everywhere. It was enough to give him nightmares bad enough that even now, 15 years later he awoke screaming in the night. The chance encounter with Edward had been his salvation, his way out. They'd been more than happy to let him go after he'd sliced his way through the burger processing area like it was some cheap pizzeria. Dead Edward hadn't faired as well. Without his scissors, he was defenseless. But it had been his wish. To live as a normal man, with normal hands had been his only wish.
As the weanie man had confided his wish to Edward, they'd devised a pain. It gave them what they both wanted. A life of living hell in a burger joint as a normal man for Edward, and a set of nice skewers for Weanie's dream hot dog stand. He still got misty-eyed thinking about it. He swerved slightly on the road and heard a very distinctive 'ow' from the back of his vehicle. It wasn't like he had super senses of anything. Just there really wasn't as much room in clown cars as you might think. He pulled off to the side of the road and shut off the engine of the car. He reached behind the seat and pulled the stowaway out of his car feet first.
A young woman emerged slowly from the car and as she picked herself off of the ground he noticed-
"What the hell happened to your hair? It's the exact shade of America's Best mustard" he said suspiciously.
"Only these two streaks are" she answered haughtily.
"And?"
"They used to be white, but that looked weird."
"Whereas yellow and brown go together so much better." He said sarcastically
"What do you want? I was perfectly comfortable and about to take a nap!"
"How did you get in there?"
"Through the door."
"No, I mean how."
"Well, I bent my legs, and sort of crawled it headfirst."
"No, no I don't mean how, as in how do you do, or as in what did you physically do. I meant it in the suspicious use of the word. It's not everyday that someone can fit into a clown car." He finished with a hint of the suspiciousness that he set out to convey.
"Tree."
"There was no tree involved-"
"No you idiot! Tree As in being wielded behind you!"
Before the mighty Weanie man could turn to save himself, a gigantic tree, well a large log anyway-a stick that was, nevermind. He was knocked unconscious at any rate by a terrible creature known as the 'ohhh, now I see the point' creature. His purpuse? Well that will be revealed later.
Anyway, the creature was paid his fee by the actor's guild and then ran off to his next gig. In his haste he left a severely unconscious Weanie man, and a mustard streaked girl. She was surprisingly strong and indeed caught the Weanie man before he hit the ground. As she did so, his shirt magically rolled up to reveal a tattoo, it read "Weanie, Est. 1984."
She began softly singing an old tune she'd learned as a child.
"I know a weanie man
he owns a weanie stand
He sells most anything
From hot dogs on down
One day I'll join his life
I'll be his weanie wife
Oh how I love
My weanie man."
All of a sudden a large cliff on a hanger dropped down upon the duo………..