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Disclaimer: I may wish that they were mine but I know they're not. I do this for pleasure not profit. If Paramount like my ideas they're welcome to use them!

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I had a plan of how my life would be. A stellar career in Starfleet culminating in a planet-side posting at Starfleet Command and behind it all a husband, children and a house in the country complete with white picket fence and roses around the door. In the arrogance of youth I truly believed I could have it all.

The dream began to fade with the loss of Justin and my father on that ice cold planet in the Tau Ceti system. For a long time I wished that I had died with them. The pain of their deaths and my failure to save them paralysed me. I couldn't see a way to go on without them in my life. Fortunately I had Phoebe to drag me out of my well of despair and force me to face the future.

In that future I found Mark. He was a familiar and comforting presence, filling my soul with a warmth and tenderness that I missed and needed. With his help I found myself back on the path to my future and once more chasing my dream. Who knows what would have happened had Voyager fulfilled her mission and returned to Earth with the captive maquis rebels. But the Caretaker intervened and once more my life's path took an unexpected detour.

Mark was gone and although I missed him I soon realised that I had never truly loved him. I cared about him, enjoyed being with him and I could have been happy spending the rest of my life with him but there was no fire, no passion.

With Justin it had been all heat and sparks. Ours was not a comfortable relationship and life together would never have been easy. On reflection I can see that we would never have been able to build a home and a family. Perhaps that's what made a life with Mark seem so attractive.

But now I was trapped in the Delta quadrant facing a journey that could take the rest of my life, making the prospect of a home and family an impossible dream. Yet by my side was the man who had it in his power to make that dream a reality.

I felt an overwhelming physical attraction toward Chakotay the instant he appeared on Voyager's viewscreen. The power of that attraction was all the more shocking because at that time I still believed that I would be returning home to Mark. However I am a Starfleet captain and trained to keep my feelings masked, so I pushed the attraction to the back of my mind. I managed to keep it locked away over the first few months of Voyager's journey home but all the while I was getting to know my new first officer and finding more in him to respect, admire and love. Here was the man who I could love with every fibre of my being, the one person in the universe who could complete me. With Chakotay there could be warmth and passion, peace and fire. This was my soulmate but protocol would not allow me to tell him how I felt and he never gave any sign that he returned my feelings.

When we were left on New Earth I was afraid. With no ship, no crew and no command structure there was nothing to stop me telling Chakotay how I felt but I was terrified that he wouldn't feel the same way. The prospect of spending the rest of my life alone with him if he couldn't return the love I felt for him was one I couldn't contemplate and so I buried myself in the search for a cure for the virus that imprisoned us. Finally the plasma storm forced me to end my experiments and face a future alone with Chakotay. My request that we define some parameters was met with an ancient legend that let me dare to hope that some of what I felt was returned and that the future could be one of love, laughter and hope. But before we could explore that future Voyager returned and we were swept back into the world of Starfleet with its regulations and protocols.

I wanted so much to reach out to Chakotay, to tell him that I didn't want to lose what we had found on New Earth, that I loved him and needed him all the more now that the weight of command was once more upon my shoulders. But the Starfleet training is too deeply ingrained in my psyche and I was unable to break free from the bonds of protocol.

I watched helpless as Chakotay drifted away. I waited in vain for him to reach out, for him to tell me that New Earth was not an illusion, that he cared for me as I cared for him. I waited and watched the clouds of despair surround me and in that dark cloud I slowly lost Kathryn. The only way to face each day was to hide inside the uniform until finally I no longer knew how to rediscover the woman within the captain.

I hated what I had become but couldn't see a way out. The incident with the Equinox was the last straw. I lost control and lost sight of everything that was most important in my life. I almost lost Voyager, I was afraid that I had lost the respect of the crew and I was terrified that I had lost any hope of reclaiming Chakotay's love.

Fearing that I would break down in front of the crew I fled from Neelix's 'pot luck supper' into the sanctum of my ready room. That's where Chakotay found me, where he held me as I cried and where he finally said the words that I had waited so long to hear.

"Kathryn, I love you and I need you. I want you beside me as my captain, as my friend and as my lover. I want you with me for all my life, in every part of my life. Walk with me Kathryn and we'll find a way to make it work. Just let me love you."

I pulled back from him so that I could look into his eyes. The mixture of hope and fear that I saw there brought more tears to my eyes. I laid my hand over his heart as I spoke.

"All you ever had to do was ask."

He gazed at me with astonishment.

"Kathryn?"

"Is that so surprising Chakotay? Surely you must have had some idea how I feel about you?"

"I hoped that you loved me, at least a little, but I was afraid that you wouldn't be willing to ignore Starfleet regulations and allow a personal relationship with your first officer."

I was stunned by his comment. Surely that couldn't be what had kept him silent all these years.

"Chakotay, there are no regulations that prohibit romantic relationships between Starfleet officers"

It was his turn to look stunned.

"There aren't?"

"No, none. So long as the relationship doesn't undermine command or have a detrimental effect on the ship or crew then Starfleet sees no reason to interfere in the personal lives of its officers."

"Then why didn't you say something yourself?"

"Protocol, Chakotay. Not regulations, protocol."

He stared at me blankly.

"Chakotay you were a Lieutenant Commander when you resigned from Starfleet, you must have read the officers handbook? Chapter 14. 'Relationships with officers of lower rank'?"

Another blank stare. I couldn't believe that this was happening. I had been so sure that he knew why I couldn't tell him how I felt.

"Section 4, paragraph 2. 'An officer must avoid actions that could be interpreted as sexual harassment. No officer shall initiate a relationship of a personal nature with an officer under his or her command.'"

He was still staring at me astounded. Finally he spoke.

"You mean to say that all I had to do was make the first move?"

I nodded.

"Gods, Kathryn. Who would know? How could it matter, out here, who 'initiated the relationship'?"

"We would know Chakotay. It may not matter now but when we get back to Earth I need to be able to stand beside the man I love and say that our relationship is, and has always been, within the bounds of Starfleet protocol. We don't know what we may face on our return. There may be any number of charges laid against us, individually and collectively. It's important to me that none of them relate to my feelings for you. What I feel for you is too special to me. I don't want it cheapened."

"I understand Kathryn. I'm just sorry that we wasted so much time."

He drew me into his arms once more. In the warmth of his embrace I finally felt the last of the cloud that had engulfed me slip away.

"I love you Chakotay and I wish I could have told you."

"The past doesn't matter now. We have to look to the future."

I felt his had under my chin. I lifted my head and met his gaze. Slowly our lips came together and we shared a first tender kiss. Finally we moved apart.

"So where do we go from here?"

"How about my quarters?"

"I meant in our relationship!"

"I know that, Chakotay, and I still think we should go to my quarters."

"I don't want to rush this Kathryn, whatever we do I want it to feel right."

"Chakotay I've been in love with you for over five years. I've waited all that time to hear you say you love me. if you think I'm going to say goodnight after one kiss......"

"You're sure you want to do this tonight? It's been a rough day for us both emotionally. I need you to be sure."

"I'm sure Chakotay. I've never been more certain of anything. I want to hold you, to touch you, to make love with you, to sleep in your arms and to wake up beside you but if you're not ready I'll understand."

"I'm ready Kathryn. I'll hold you forever if that's what you want."

"I'd love that Chakotay, but it might be a little inconvenient on the bridge!"

He smiled then, showing off the dimples that will always be my downfall.

"Then I guess we'd better head for our quarters."

"Our quarters?"

"If you let me into your life Kathryn, don't ever expect me to leave."

"Our quarters then."

And so we went to the rooms that had once seemed like a prison but are now a home, and we made love in the bed that was once mine and is now ours. The next morning I awoke in his arms, as I have every morning since, and when I arose and looked in the mirror I saw Kathryn, the woman I thought was lost.

There is peace in my life now. I have the man I love to support me in work and in life. My ship and crew have become a home and a family. The clouds that surrounded me have gone but if they return I know that I'll be okay, so long as I have Chakotay to walk beside me in the rain.



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