Author's Notes: The idea of this story came from my imaginings of what might have happened if Prim and Peeta hadn't been Reaped and Katniss did not volunteer. I believe the revolution would have happened sometime especially since Snow had to die someday. I tried to be as accurate to canon as possible but I realize the characters are a bit more mature since they are much older.
It was the morning of my 27th birthday that it all hit. The utter and complete loneliness clouded my vision. I was alone in an empty house echoing with the sounds of my own sobs. I sat up knowing that sleep would elude me. I went to the cracked bedroom mirror and stared at my reflection. I was tear-stained and heavy eyed but my appearance had seemingly changed little in the years since I had been a girl. I was thin, my hair still in its customary braid or more often now pinned to the nape of my neck and my face was always lined with my customary scowl. But now the scowl had been replaced with trembling lips and hands that struggled to remain steady as I brushed my hair and braided it.
The war had come and gone and I found myself on the other side completely alone. Prim was dead, she had been killed in a bombing in the Capitol at the end of the war, and without her I was a broken, cast off thing. My mother was grief stricken and had moved to District 4 to take a position in the hospital. She had taken Prim's baby boy with her where he would grow up by the sea barely knowing his own mother. I tried telling myself that even if she disappeared on me he would be okay. Prim's husband Clem was there in District 4 as was his hoard of relatives who doted on little Archer. I still wondered why I had returned to 12. Perhaps it was because in 4 I felt alone in a crowded room. I was strange old Katniss Everdeen. I had never married, was particularly bad tempered and disliked most social interaction. In 12 everyone largely expected me to act this way. In 4 I was an outcast.
Gale had briefly returned to 12 but now that he was a celebrated war hero he spent most of his time in District 2. He and Madge Undersee had apparently made a match of it despite the fact that he had been married at the time to Leevy Brewster. I would have worried about Leevy, who when all was said and done was a very nice woman, but apparently most shocking of all she was with that crazy Victor from 7 Joanna Mason. Apparently, she and Gale had parted on amicable terms, which was fortunate considering their children. Back when we were kids Gale had seemed to hate Madge but I supposed many years and a war later had changed his opinion. Madge had also been important to the Rebellion. The Capitol in the last assault had even briefly captured her.
I didn't know what I thought of it all. It felt as if everyone had moved on with his or her life except me. I was trapped in an endless cycle of grief. Prim had died more than a year ago and it still felt unendurable. I wished there was someone to share my grief with. I was so lonely, so lost that I found myself slipping out of the house to the woods even though I really didn't need to hunt. Cooking for just one person, especially one person who wasn't very hungry didn't require as much as before. Buying food was less expensive now that people could trade between districts. I made fewer trades and had more competition.
The woods had been my refuge when my father was alive and even afterward with Gale. When I aged out of my Reapings Gale asked me to marry him. I was confused but I told him I had to wait until Prim was safe despite the fact that I couldn't volunteer for her. When he asked again I accepted. But it turned out that my fear of marriage and children was greater than my love for him. Each day as we came closer to the wedding I found myself unable to sleep filled with terror. I dreamed of dead children and my father's death in an endless loop.
We began to argue constantly over every detail of the wedding. I was a healer's daughter and I knew where children came from and the type of protection that District 12 offered. I knew it was far from fool proof and that even the most careful of people generally ended up having at least one child. Gale wanted children and I was too afraid. He wanted me to love him the same way as he did and I couldn't. He didn't understand my hesitancy. My terror grew day by day. I stopped being able to eat.
At last one day it all came to a head. We had been arguing over some minor issue when suddenly he asked, "Do you even want to marry me?"
I blurted out before I could stop myself, "No, I don't want to get married at all." I placed my hand over my mouth the moment the words passed my mouth and struggled to keep them back. "I didn't mean that. It just slipped out."
"You did mean it. I know you are scared sick. I know you are upset. I just kept thinking we could make it work. But marriage is a serious thing. Around here it is for life. If you are unsure I need to know now." His voice was surprisingly calm considering how angry he had been a few moments ago. I fought back tears. As much as I wanted to lie I was a terrible liar. And Gale deserved the truth. I had strung him along far too long.
"I'm so scared. Of marriage. Of kids. Of love. I don't think I can do this. I've tried so much. But I just can't do this." I felt relief at the words. As ashamed as I was of admitting my fear I also felt liberated.
"Catnip, I always wanted you to be happy. And you aren't happy. I always thought we could make it work. But I guess I was wrong. You don't love me the way I love you." His voice was sad but more confident than mine.
"I do love you," I repeated. But the moment the words had passed my lips I cringed realizing what he meant. I didn't love him the way my mother loved my father. Perhaps a small part of me had been in love but it hadn't been enough.
"No, you don't. If you did we would be having a different conversation. Someday you'll know what I am talking about." His voice was almost amused but I could see the pain in his eyes. I grew angry. How dare he insinuate that I was some stupid girl who didn't even know what love even was?
He didn't give me a chance to retort but stood up abruptly bringing me up with him. Then he leaned over and kissed me one last time. It tasted of regret and heartache. Without a backward glance, he left me standing there. I sighed and went home before calmly telling my mother that the engagement was over. I think she was both disappointed and pleased. She had seen my increasingly agitated moods and known I was unhappy but she had always liked Gale and thought he would make a good husband. Both she and Prim worried I would spend the rest of my life alone.
I began to regret my decision in the years that followed. I was alone and that soul killing loneliness made me long for the good old days when I had hunted with Gale and we had been close. He married only six months later and between his marriage, his new child and the mines we rarely saw each other. When we did see each other it was stiff and stilted. I knew he hadn't really gotten over me and I wasn't about to foster rumors that I was breaking up a marriage. I was jealous of Leevy, not of her marriage for I had rejected that, but of having someone to share her life with.
The Revolution had broken out nearly two years ago. Prim and her husband had immediately signed up to help the Rebels from 13 leaving my mother and me with the care of her infant son. I knew Prim's healer nature couldn't stand the idea of dying soldiers without care. She went on an expedition led by Haymitch Abernathy, Gale, Madge and most surprising of all Peeta Mellark. They had all been part of this secret Rebel network that had been sparked into action by the death of President Snow. District 12 suffered few effects of war. The Capitol had dropped a few bombs but had largely ignored us. We were not really worth the expense of bombing.
I was stuck behind with a baby and my mother to feed. At first, the Peacekeepers were so menacing that we had to stay in our house nearly all the time. But as the Rebels gained territory the Peacekeeping force was diverted to more important districts and we were left with a skeleton force of old Cray and Darius. This was a lean year but at least there were no Reapings.
As happy as I was that the Capitol had been overthrown and the war was over it had exacted a terrible cost. The bombing of the City Circle cost me the dearest person in the world to me. The President of District 13 had made her brief tenure as President particularly memorable by proposing a final Hunger Games this time with only Capitol children. A crazed Capitolite killed her with a gun on the very day that the firing squad executed the hapless former President De Witt who had only held that office for a week before the Rebels took it. A woman from District 8 named Paylor had taken over. Gale had worked with her and said she was a good leader and would make a fine President. I hoped he was right.
I made my way from the woods armed with my squirrel I had shot. I knew the Baker would like it. The old Baker had died not long after I had graduated and his two older sons had moved with their families to other districts. But Peeta Mellark had come back and set up the old bakery just as his father before him. I always liked talking to him. In all the years we had known each other we had developed a tentative friendship. He had saved my life once and I had never forgotten it. He was one of the few unattached men in 12 now and I saw the girls simpering at him, many of them nearly ten years younger. He seemed to have only grown more attractive as the years went on notwithstanding the artificial leg he had gotten during the War.
I rapped on the back door even though his mother had been dead for several years and there was no need to be frightened. But he often invited me in for tea and we would sit and chat for a few minutes. He opened the door almost immediately and smiled so broadly at me I could see why all the girls were crazy about him. The military training had only increased his already muscular form and his face bore a long scar running near the eye that gave him a slightly dangerous appearance. I knew better of course. He was one of the kindest people I knew and would never hurt an innocent person.
"Katniss, come in. I was just wondering if you would bring a squirrel by. I wanted to talk to you about something important." He ushered me into the neat kitchen and poured me a cup of tea before I could protest. The truth was these chats were the highlight of my week. I knew he was lonely, probably just as lonely as I was, and that explained the way that we seemed to be able to connect even with my lack of ability with words.
His wife Delly had died years ago when we had been still teens. It was quite a tragedy really and I supposed that was why he would look at me with a sad expression sometimes. He must have really loved her a lot. Delly had never been a friend of mine but I had remembered how she had looked so happy and healthy with her rounded stomach and glowing features. She had always been so happy to see me as if I was a friend of hers. I had gotten her roots for her morning sickness and listened to her prattle on about her pregnancy. The next moment she had been dead. Apparently, she had something my mother called preeclampsia. In the Capitol such things were easily treated in the hospital. In District 12 the town midwife had been young and inexperienced. But old Mrs. Mellark had utterly refused to have my mother called in despite my mother's vastly higher level of experience and skill. By the time Peeta's brother had been able to summon my mother when the witch was asleep it was too late. Delly and the baby died a few hours later. I went to the funeral despite not being friends with Delly and Peeta. I glanced over at Peeta and saw his pale face and tear rimmed eyes. He saw me with a look of shock but instantly composed himself. I always thought this story was part of what made me refuse to have children. If Delly with all the town medicine and wealth and seemingly perfect health died in childbirth what would stop an underfed girl like me from dying as well?
I accepted the steaming hot tea and noticed that as usual, he drank his unsweetened. I sank down in the chair wanting to unload all my problems to him. He was a sympathetic listener. But I couldn't burden him with my cares. Instead I commented as I blew on my tea.
"You seem to have a long line of admirers. All that war hero business has definitely made you popular." I glanced up wondering what he would reply. I didn't think he would be interested in one of those girls barely out of school.
" Really? Well, that is all silly. I fought in a war. Big deal? What was I supposed to do? Sit and wait for the Capitol to be defeated magically?" He flashed me an annoyed glance before drinking another sip of tea.
I didn't add that his looks definitely added to the appeal. He hadn't been conventionally handsome when we had been young but the years had given him a maturity and strength that was very appealing. And he was so willing to talk to people. His voice was soothing and low and charming. I understood why the Rebellion had featured him prominently in the propos. He had charisma in spades.
"I understand that the whole thing with …. Would make you reluctant to marry again." I replied.
"No, that's not it. I have loved one girl all my life and if I don't have her I don't intend to marry again."
I gasped. He said "have her" and "marry again". He couldn't possibly have been referring to Delly. But who was this mysterious girl? I wondered how many years he had waited for this girl. I couldn't help comparing that to Gale who hadn't waited more than a few months before marrying Leevy.
"But…Delly." I couldn't stop myself from saying the words though I wanted to call them back instantly. I had no right to interfere in his private affairs.
"I loved Delly but I wasn't in love with her. She was my best friend growing up and a very sweet, lovely person. But the marriage was arranged between our parents. I think she was happy. She was the sort to be happy under everything. And our marriage wasn't terrible. We were both happy about the baby. But then she suddenly died and the baby died. And I couldn't help but think it was my problem. For not loving her enough." His voice grew lower and lower as he spoke and I couldn't help taking his hand. As a rule, I am not a very affectionate person but I couldn't help it. He had been so kind to me so often that I found myself wanting to comfort him.
"It isn't your fault. It never was your fault. It was the Capitol for not providing us with any decent medicine and it was just one of those awful things that happened. You couldn't possibly have known Delly was going to get sick. She was perfectly healthy up until it happened." I spoke firmly and a little sharply as if I needed to impress the truth of my words into his heart.
"I know. And thank you Katniss. You are the only person I have ever told this. It means a lot to me." He squeezed my hand gently. I was rather surprised by this admission. But then again the town spinster who spent her life perpetually alone might be a reasonable confidant.
"Well, is this mystery woman married? Perhaps you have a chance yet?" I questioned. I suddenly hoped that this woman was unavailable although that was incurably selfish of me. If anyone deserved happiness it was Peeta. But the idea of being the only one truly alone was frightening.
"No, she isn't married. But I don't know. She is pretty opposed to marriage. And she is so beautiful that I'm sure that if she wanted to she could have anyone she wished. " He voice was almost teasing and I racked my brain trying to think of this woman. There were few unattached women in District 12 except for women noticeably younger or older than us. Was it Bristel Ivy? She was single and I highly doubted she would marry. She was an old mining buddy of Gale's and a frequent visitor to Rippers for alcohol. I rather liked her independence and determination. But the idea of mild, kind hearted Peeta desperately in love with Bristel struck me as incongruous.
"Well," I said with more confidence and cheer than I felt, "I'm sure that you can woo her with cheese buns. No woman could resist them."
He chuckled, "Well I have your word on that and I don't think I value anyone's opinion more highly."
He reached over and pulled a plate off of the counter and set it in front of me. On it was a small cupcake frosted all over with white frosting and a small katniss blossom painted on the top. The katniss blossom is rather plain but under Peeta's skillful fingers the ordinary flower looked stunning. I nearly cried at the sweetness of the gesture. I had felt so alone for so long. I had missed Prim and her bright laugh. Food had always been my one weakness. If other people sold their souls for sex or drink or drugs I would probably do it for something like cheese buns or cake. Of course, we were far too poor to afford any of it. But ever since Peeta had been back in 12 he had pressed some food on me every time I came to trade beyond the usual plain bread in exchange for a squirrel. He said the bread was stale and with only one person it would go to waste but I always wondered if he was just being kind. I normally abhorred charity but the few times I had accused him of this he had gotten so angry that I had submitted to this treatment without more comment. Peeta almost never got angry but when he did he had an ability to shut me up that few people possessed. A few simple words in that sharp tone he got made me back pedal to a surprising degree.
"I seem to remember that it is a certain someone's birthday." He smiled at me as he lit a tiny candle and pushed the plate towards me. "Make a wish."
It was a childish idea but I humored him because he had gone to the trouble of baking this for me. I supposed that he had so few friends that he was even willing to count a lonely woman like myself as one of them and willing to bake her beautiful treats. I could only imagine how he would spoil that mysterious woman he had loved so long. I didn't want to think of that. I thought of my despair this morning and silently wished that I would be less lonely. I doubted I could ever be happy with Prim gone but I wanted this aching pain to go away.
I blew out the candle and took a small bite of the delicious treat. I gave a little moan of satisfaction. It was rare that I got to taste cake and even rarer that it was something like this. The cake was rich and buttery with a strong vanilla flavor and the frosting was creamy and sweet. I looked up and caught him staring at me with the strangest expression on his face. I blushed feeling ashamed of myself. What must he think of a grown woman nearly thirty behaving this way about a cake? But then I automatically handed the fork to him to try. I didn't know why I did that for surely he knew what his own food tasted like but he had stared at me a little longingly and perhaps he wanted a taste. He complied and ate a tiny bite but I noticed that his eyes didn't leave my face.
He leaned over suddenly and swiped a finger across my lip where a bit of frosting stuck. Of course, that must have been why he was staring. But the sensation of his calloused finger sliding across my lip sent shivers down my spine and made my lower stomach clench. I found my face heating up even with this gesture. It had been so long since I had been touched. I had been kissed once after Gale but that had been at Harvest Festival and the man had drunkenly accosted me so I didn't count that. I had been kissed many times by Gale but I don't really remember them very much. In years past I played them over and over in my head but I always thought it was more the sensation of being safe and cared for than the physical act that I longed for. I had sometimes wondered if there was something wrong with me. My mother had made a few comments over the years asking if I liked women. It had taken me a long time to figure out what she even meant as marriages between same sex couples had been strictly outlawed by the Capitol. I had rejected that notion but I had still wondered if my lack of sexual desire was abnormal. Any sexual urges I had were undirected and vague and easily overlooked in the scheme of things. Now I realized that this sensation must be what people talked about. It was terrifying experiencing such a thing practically for the first time in one's whole life at my age. It was even more embarrassing considering that Peeta Mellark liked some mysterious woman who was definitely not I as I was not beautiful. I counted him as one of my few friends and I had to go about developing these physical sensations. I wondered suddenly what it would be like to have his lips against mine instead of his finger.
He moved back in his seat and I forced my eyes away trying to quell the burning in my cheeks. I took another bite of cake but noticed that my hunger for food seemed to have diminished. Still it distracted me enough to calm myself down and think more logically.
"I wanted to talk to you about whether you would be willing to work here for me. I know you hunt and believe me I can work around that schedule. But I really need someone to run the books. I'm terrible with math and finance and I seem to remember you always were good with numbers. I sometimes need help at the front counter or restocking things. You won't need to do any baking if you don't want to." His voice had returned to normal and he was not looking at me but his words were so business-like that I decided he had not noticed my strange reaction.
"Well, uhh, sure. I mean if you think I would help. I haven't ever done anything like that." I replied rather stupidly. I had been good with math in high school. It had been one of the few subjects I enjoyed. It was blissfully free of Capitol propaganda and was simple for me to understand. It was logical, regular and lacked surprises. Follow the right steps and you got the right answer. I could see why an artistic person like Peeta would hate it but I personally found it easy.
"Great. Well, as soon as you can get started I would really appreciate the help. I am not very good with accounting and the tax system has changed with the New Capitol. Just having one person and few high school kids help hasn't been enough. I'm swamped in work."
"I could start tomorrow if you want. I'm not very busy right now. I'll have my nephew visiting in the summer but I'm sure we can work something out then." I was glad to be able to help him after all the times he had helped me. He did look stressed and tired and no wonder with all that work hanging over him. Besides it would be good for me to get out with a regular job with new associations. As much as I loved the forest I knew that it brought back memories. And sitting at home thinking about Prim would be worse. I needed to be strong for my nephew so someday when he was older I could tell him all about how wonderful his mother was. The idea that he might not know who she really was made me sick.
Still as I made my way home I couldn't help but wonder if I was making the right decision. Peeta Mellark could be very dangerous to a lonely woman like me. He was handsome, kind, considerate and seemed to be genuinely interested in what I said. We got along beautifully and as my strange reaction earlier had proved something in me had shifted over the years. I couldn't afford to fall for someone who loved someone else. Besides even if he did care for me I couldn't give up my fear not even after the war had been fought.I am thinking this story will be about 3 chapters. The rating won't go up. I can't write smut. I may add a little Gale/Madge but I'm not sure. Also we may see Finnick, Annie and Johanna sometime. I won't kill off Finnick because in the context of this story the Victors really didn't lead the Revolution. In canon Katniss had to lead the Revolution for plot reasons but I have always thought that was a bit unrealistic. Most Revolutions are led by political or military leaders. Basically President Snow dies of natural causes but has no clear successor because he kept killing his rivals. The Capitol officials keep fighting for power leaving a power vacuum and multiple assassinations and forced resignations. Finally Plutarch becomes President and institutes a series of conservative reforms including a volunteer only Games. This attempt at reform only loosens the political dissenters who launch the revolution under this more open policy. Coin takes over briefly but is killed by an angry Capitolite. Paylor, who has been a member of the Revolution and a prominent military commander is appointed as President and then elected later. Many of the District 12 characters are spared since it was never bombed. Obviously many of the other Districts were harder hit by the war.
End of Chapter Notes:
I am thinking this story will be about 3 chapters. The rating won't go up. I can't write smut to save my life. Also we may see Finnick, Annie and Johanna sometime. I won't kill off Finnick because in the context of this story the Victors really didn't lead the Revolution. In canon Katniss had to lead the Revolution for plot reasons but I have always thought that was a bit unrealistic. Most Revolutions are led by political or military leaders. Basically President Snow dies of natural causes but has no clear successor because he kept killing his rivals. The Capitol officials keep fighting for power leaving a power vacuum and multiple assassinations and forced resignations. Finally Plutarch becomes President and institutes a series of conservative reforms including a volunteer only Games. This attempt at reform only loosens the political dissenters who launch the revolution under this more open policy. Coin takes over briefly but is killed by an angry Capitolite. Paylor, who has been a member of the Revolution and a prominent military commander is appointed as President and then elected later. Many of the District 12 characters are spared since it was never bombed. Obviously many of the other Districts were harder hit by the war. Sorry for any formatting issues. I have been posting most of my stories on AO3 so this site is a little confusing.