Title: A Life Well Lived
Rating: PG-15
Pairing/Characters: Ten/Rose, Jackie, Pete, various others.
WARNING: Spoilers, there are spoilers in this story, as in, if you haven't seen season four, particularly the last episode, you really don't want to be reading this.
Summary: The life he never had.
Disclaimer: Not mine, borrowing. Will put them back (relatively) unharmed.
Excerpt: "I'm sorry," he says quietly from her side.
A Life Well Lived
One
His hand feels lukewarm in hers.
It's strange, different, but maybe it's been too long since she's held his hand like this. It's certainly very different to the last time they said goodbye.
"I'm sorry," he says quietly from her side.
And it's in that moment, that single moment, that her heart breaks; but in the good way, because in the same moment it heals more than it ever could have without him. She turns and flings her arms around his neck and she's crying, for the him she has but doesn't, and his arms are around her, holding her, protecting her like all the times she imagined, and he smells enough like him – like his warmth – that maybe, maybe, she can believe it.
She wants to tell him don't be, it's all right, it doesn't matter, she loves him – and she does, sort of, or she will, and can – but the words don't come because there are no words, everything she's been through in the last few hours have made her incapable of processing... everything. He's here. He's here, and she's here, and they can have forever. Which is terrifying, oh so terrifying, but with him by her side maybe it won't be so bad.
She pulls back, her hair flying in the wind, and she reaches to tuck it behind her ears, out of her face – but he gets there first. She laughs through tears as he carefully folds strands away, looking at her in the soft, compassionate way that's so very Doctor.
She opens her mouth to say something, but laughs breathlessly instead, still unable to fathom it.
He smiles bittersweetly and nods in agreement, his eyes red and raw.
Then suddenly they're kissing again, like they've been doing it for years; his mouth on hers, finding her in the darkness, and she kisses back as he holds her, desperately. It's perfect, really, stuck on this beach in the middle of Norway, the waves rolling on the –
Wait.
She pulls back, and the Doctor (version 2.0, naturally) looks at her questioningly.
She licks her lips, swallows. Then, finally, she speaks.
"Norway."
He frowns, evidently not understanding. "Yes."
"Norway," she insists.
"Bad Wolf Bay," he clarifies in that cocky way he does, in the way she's missed over the years. "Just like last time."
She shakes her head, then glances over to her mum, who – perhaps tactfully – has her back turned, gazing out to the sea. She looks back.
"Not like last time. Last time we had a car. A way to get home?"
She watches almost in amusement as the penny drops, and an almost terror twists his features. "Oh, no," he says, and for the first time she notices an odd London-esque accent in his voice, stronger than before. "Oh, no. No no no. You're not – you're not telling me we're stuck on a beach in Norway. In Norway."
She nods and bites down on her lip. "Yup."
"Fantastic." It's sarcasm of course, and he's looking up to the sky with a bitter laugh, but somehow, she can't help but smile. "Just like me, I suppose. Did you know, I dropped Sarah Jane off in Crodyon! The first time. Uh, long story – Jackie?"
Jackie turns, and rolls her eyes. "Finally," she complains mockingly, stalking across the sand towards them, her shoes leaving deep footprints in the sand. "Thought I'd have to find my own way back, the rate you two were at it."
Rose can feel her blush burning her cheeks, but it's almost welcome in this cold air. She quickly changes the subject.
"Yeah, Mum, about... finding a way back..."
She trails off, and she knows that's enough for her mum, who turns – wide-eyed and accusingly – towards the Doctor.
"You've stranded us here!" she says loudly, glaring, and the Doctor-who-is-but-isn't takes a small step back and holds Rose's hand tightly.
"Wasn't me!" he protests quickly, raising his other hand in defence, and Rose notices his voice still rises when he's cornered, just like it always used to. "I mean, I suppose it was, technically, but it was a me that I'm not, so... not my fault."
Jackie gives him a withering look then turns to her daughter. "You got your mobile, sweetheart?"
Rose frowns slightly. "No. Dad said we weren't to have any electronic devices when using the jumpers."
"Well, it's a good thing I broke that rule, then, isn't it?" her mum says slyly, and she reaches into her coat pocket, pulling out a beaten, but working, mobile phone.
She stares at her in astonished disbelief. "Mum, you could have blown a hole in the universe!"
"I didn't, though, did I? And now I can just ring your father and we can get home, so not a word, all right?"
She's given a mock disapproving look, and then her mum is dialling and walking away as she talks to Pete.
Rose turns back to the Doctor and finds him looking right at her, like he hasn't taken his eyes off her for one moment. It's intimidating, nearly, but because it's him she doesn't mind so much.
"Hi," she says laughingly, nervousness bubbling up in her like it used to do when she was nineteen and so very naive.
"Hello," he grins back softly, tipping his head to one side, and she can see the whole universe shining in his eyes.
"I can't believe you're..." She can't finish the sentence, and he reaches down to her other hand, encasing it in his.
"I know," he whispers softly. "It's a bit... I mean, me, with one heart. Like I was... made for you."
His voice sounds like it's breaking, like he's been holding back emotions for years, and Rose gets such the want – and the need – to throw herself into his arms and bury herself within him that if they weren't standing in the middle of the beach, with the wind kicking around them like an angry child, she probably would. But they're not alone, and it's wrong, it's not really even him, and part of her still can't let that go.
"Okay," Jackie says, walking back to him, and Rose reaches up with her sleeve to wipe away a stray tear. Finally, her hands fall away from the Doctor's.
"He's coming?" she asks with a hard sniff, and Jackie nods, dubiously looking between the two of them. Rose can feel the Doctor's eyes on her, almost burning into her skin, but she can't let it get to her. Not yet. She continues to look at her mum. "What did he say?"
"Seemed a bit surprised. But he'll be here in an hour or so with the helicopter, and then we'll have to explain everything to him."
Rose nods and stares out to the sea, remembering the last time she was here. She remembers the hours she spent mourning, pining, growing cold and laying everything down to rest. She shivers involuntarily.
There's warmth on the shoulder and she turns slightly, finds the Doctor's hand resting comfortingly on her shoulder.
"I'm – "
"Don't," she cuts off, and out of the corner of her eye she sees him nod, wet his lips with tongue. His hand falls from her shoulder, but brushes her fingers on its descent; she can't help the smile.
Suddenly he speaks, and she can hear the frown in his voice; it makes her want to laugh. "...Since when did you have a helicopter?"
-I-
They're in the back, a four-seater, while the pilot takes them home.
"Slightly different from last time," Pete jokes wryly into the empty, heavy silence, and after meeting eyes with the Doctor, he swiftly drops his gaze to the floor.
The Doctor shifts in the small seat, turning to Rose. "I never asked..." he admits quietly, and there's regret in his voice. "About afterwards. How long has it been?"
Rose doesn't answer him, just remains staring out of the window at the landscapes flashing by, but her fingers curl tighter around his.
"Two and a half years," Pete answers on her behalf, and the Doctor looks up to a rueful smile. "Rose is almost twenty three."
"Two," she corrects quietly. She turns, the fabric of her jacket rustling against the chair. "Twenty-two. The Doctor and I... missed a year."
"Oh, and don't I remember that like it was yesterday," Jackie adds cuttingly, but there's a certain fondness in her voice now as she remembers the old him, the man he used to be. "Had me worried sick for a whole year! She just disappeared, right off the face of the Earth, not a clue where she was. Mickey was taken in for questioning, everyone thought he'd murdered her."
"I said sorry," the Doctor pointed out reasonably, "and I did save your measly planet from being taken over by Slitheen."
"Your measly planet, now," Rose laughs from his side, and he looks at her again. She's smiling that smile, the one where her tongue rests between her teeth and youth sparkles in her eyes, and he wonders why he never told her he loved her before.
Then he shakes himself slightly. "I suppose it is," he replies, a little distantly, suddenly getting a very far-away feeling and a strange heaviness in his heart (singular, he's going to have to get used to that).
Rose squeezes his hand. "You okay?"
"Yeah. Yes. Perfect. Wonderful. Fine. And all other... synonyms."
He drops his gaze to the floor, to the strange rubber rug that's almost like a grille floor, and he tries not think about another kind of grille floor he'll never see again. It hurts, sort of, except that he knows the other him is tucked safely away in his pocket of time and spice with his oldest friend, so at least someone is enjoying her light and life. In her place, he has Rose. It isn't so bad.
The atmosphere between the four of them becomes heavy again, pulled tightly from all corners like an elastic band that's about to snap. Jackie didn't tell Pete about the swap. Mickey left, the Doctor returned in his place, and it's only been explained through surprised glances and furtive murmurs. It'll be a long trip back.
-I-
They touchdown at Torchwood, and he can't help the tenseness that rises in his shoulders, or the way his breath catches in his chest. He hasn't been here since...
Rose tugs on his hand as they climb out of the helicopter, and she gives him a reassuring smile when he looks at her. He's grateful. He can see in her eyes she's about as sure of this as he is, and that includes the uncertainties here and there.
There's a car waiting for them downstairs, but Rose surprises him when she says to her parents that they'll come home later. Jackie takes her to one side, has a quiet word, hugs her, then climbs into the car with Pete and they're left on their own.
There's a fountain in the courtyard and the water sparkles in the fading sunlight. His breath appears as mist in the air around him. He thinks it must be February, maybe early March. He has no idea what year. He doesn't have much of an idea about anything any more, but he swallows down the fear because he's been allowed to have the one thing he never thought he could. A human life.
"Half human," he murmurs as he watches the water trickle from the mouth of a mermaid down into the pool below.
Rose comes up beside him and slips her hand into his. "Yeah," she agrees quietly, and they stand there together for a good five minutes, the silence comfortable but new.
The Doctor blinks, the liquid in front of him suddenly turning red and thick, like gushing from a wound, and he breaths sharply and looks away. It's just water in reality, of course, but...
"You're still you," Rose reminds him and he nods mutely, wondering whether she's saying it to convince herself or him.
"Yes."
There's another pause as he feels her considering him, really looking at him, but he continues to stare at the stony floor, trying to push images and guilt out of his mind. He's so ecstatic to have this chance, but there's a bitter aftertaste of the fact that it's not really real. He's a clone, not an original.
"...The blue's new."
He looks up and Rose is smiling, sadly, and he chuckles softly lets himself be drawn back to her and her light because it's been years since he's seen her and doesn't she just look every image of beauty she always used to.
"You don't like it?" he guesses, stepping in front of her as he trails a hand down her arm. It's an amazing feeling, this new freedom he's found from her.
She glances up to him, teasing in her eyes. "I never said that."
He hesitates, meeting her gaze, then falters. He drops his gaze with his hand. "I wore it a lot. In the years after I... after... well... I met Martha in it," he finishes lamely, looking up again with a brief attempt at humour.
"Yeah?" She's smiling, interested, she wants to know. He grins.
"Yeah. Well. Sort of. Actually, I was in pyjamas when I first met her, but I was John Smith then. As the Doctor, it was definitely the blue."
Gauging her reaction amuses him, and if anything makes him love her more. She seems jealous – he was always good at reading her – but gently, in the 'I'm happy for you' way, and he finds himself laughing again.
"I'll have to tell you about her, one day," he concedes, and he can't help but reach for her fingers again. He longs for their feel, the feel that fits this body like she was made for it and he smiles sorrowfully when he remembers this is the only body he'll have no. No regeneration. Not for this version.
"There's a lot to catch you up on, too," Rose says, her hand tightening, her shoulder bumping with his as she looks up to him. "Tony, for one. He'd quite like to meet you."
He frowns, surprised. "Your little brother?"
"Yeah. Okay, so he's only two, but I'm sure with all the stories we told about you he'd love to meet you."
There's a certain fondness that blooms in his heart, then, to think that they never gave up hope, never gave up loving him.
"Thank you." He smiles, and she does too, nodding her understanding. "Tony Tyler," he quotes, rolling the name off his tongue like a sweet. "Better than Doctor Tyler I suppose, that would have been rubbish, but still, hell of a mouthful."
Rose laughs, and it sounds so full and fresh and just how he used to remember that he wants to capture it in his palm and keep it, forever.
"Definitely you," she jokes, her eyes twinkling up at him. "No one I know is that rude."
"Oi!" he protests, feigning hurt. "Years you and I have spent apart, years, and all you do after I tell you I love you is insult me. Well, Rose Tyler, that's just what I am. Insulted."
He breaks off from her hold and crosses his arms over his chest to make his point, but the magic is broken by Rose standing there smirking at him. Then she holds out her hand and he drops his arms willingly, a strange ache for her appearing freely in his heart and tugging him towards her.
"Let's go home," she requests, almost pleadingly.
He takes a step forward, accepts her hand. "Rose. I already am."
End this part