Big Brother - Kingdom Hearts Edition
Written by: SugarBaby
Ideas by: TokyoFreak
TokyoFreak (TF) - Welcome to Kingdom Hearts - Big Brother!
SugarBaby (SB) - I ask that you not be too critical if I mess something up with how Big Brother works, I've only watched one season. FEAR TEH KIWI NINJANESH!!
TF - You're such a square...and not the Enix kind.
SB - (thinks) I don't get it...
TF - (smacks forehead) Dummy, just get started with the story.
SB - Well, because TF refuses to do disclaimers, I'll have to. Kingdom Hearts characters and settings belong to Square Enix. All Disney settings that may be mentioned belong to Disney (no duh).
TF - Yer a sissy.
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The Kingdom Hearts characters step out of a limo, looking very confused. The authoresses (SB and TF) have kidnapped them from their worlds and taken them to the Big Brother house, where the characters will be forced to live with each other, following all the rules and procedures of the traditional Big Brother house. SB and TF (Sam and Rae) will be hanging out outside the house like Julie Chen (the Chen-Bot, as Rae preffers), watching the cameras and laughing at the idiots.
So, for this season, we have:
Sora
Riku
Kairi
Axel
Luxord
Demyx
Marluxia
Larxene
Xigbar (Rae - But I don't like Bigrax. Sam - WELL I DO!! Wait, I mean I like Xigbar, not Bigrax.)
Cloud
Yuffie
Tifa
Aerith
Cid
Sephiroth, and because Rae requested,
BEETLEJUICE!
Sam - But I wanted Sweeney Todd...TTATT
Rae - Beetlejuice is funnier. And not emo.
Sam - JUST BECAUSE HE LOVES RAZORS DOESN'T MAKE HIM EMO!! (runs away)
Rae - Sure...
Once inside the house, the characters follow big, blinking arrows to the living room, where the giant monitor lights up, displaying Sam and Rae. Rae (along with Beelejuice, who is apparently in on everything) is smiling evily at the victims, and Sam's staring lovingly at Axel.
Rae - Welcome to the Big Brother House, contestants! You will be forced to live in this house until only two of you are left.
Sam - We will eliminate you by either voting you off, or if you are driven mad by various things.
Rae - The first week will be survelliance, then next week we'll decide who the Head of Household, or HOH, will be, then we'll do the Veto Competition, then we'll vote someone off.
Sam - As these events come closer, we'll explain more about them.
Sam and Rae looked at the characters' faces, each showing some different emotion.
Sora - Okay, you lost me at Big Brother.
Sam - SHUT UP YOU RETARD!! YOU LET AXEL FADE IN KH2!!
Axel - Fade? What the hell?
Rae - Don't be mean to the contestants, Sam, or I'll get Sephy to attack you.
Sephiroth - I really hope you're not reffering to me as Sephy.
Rae - Yes, and seeing as we are the authoresses, we are in control.
Sam - Yeah! We'll make you go into a crazed tapdance!
Axel - I'm still confused!
Sam - Don't worry, it'll all work out, Axel.
Cid - Why can't you serve us any goddamn tea?! BE POLITE!
Rae - And goddamn tea is polite?
Yuffie - Where's Vinnie?
Sam - VINCENT! IT'S VINCENT!! And because he wasn't featured in KH, we couldn't kidnap - err, I mean invite him.
Aerith - Then why is the creepy, foul-smelling dead guy here?
Rae - 'CAUSE I'M THE AUTHORESS!! AND HE IS TEH COMIC RELIEF IN PLACE OF RENO AND RUDE!!
Axel- Who the hell is Reno!? Is he better than me?
Rae - (shifty eyes) Maayybbeee...
Sam - OKAY LISTEN UP! I'M GONNA GO KIWI NINJA ON ALL YOUR ASSES IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP! Oh, and don't worry Axel. Reno's funnier than you, but you're sexier. Now, Rae will explain how we'll decide the room assignments.
Rae - There are 5 rooms, 3 of which hold 5 people, 1 for the HOH, and one for the winner of the competition. We'll be gambling to see who stays with who in which room.
Luxord - I like this game!
Sam - We're playing BS. Give Rae and me a sec, we're coming in.
Sam and Rae dissapear from the screen in a puff of smoke, reappearing in another puff of smoke.
Sam - KIWI NINJA POOF!
Rae - THIEF NINJA POOF!
Xigbar - Hey, they stole my thing! Poofing is my thing!
Rae - Get over it Bigrax...
Larxene - Hey, I get it! Marly, let's call Xigbar Bigrax from now on. It's just like calling Superior Mansex!
Marly nods, having no backbone against the only female of Org. XIII. Then, Sam sits down on the floor at the table, shuffling a deck of cards.
Sam - Okay, so here's how it's gonna work. We'll have a tournament of 4 people playing, then the winner of that round will move on to the finals. Once we've gone through all the rounds, we'll have the finals. Whoever wins that will get first choice, second place gets second choice, third gets third choice and so on.
Rae - You know, you're pretty redundant.
Sam smacks Rae upside the head, starting a wrestling match between the two authoresses.
Cid - 10 bucks on the Theif-Poof chick!
Luxord - 10 on the Kiwi ninja!
Cid and Luxord shake hands, setting their bets. But, in the end, Sam wins and Cid hands over 10 bucks.
Rae - Hey Sam, look what I've got!
Rae holds up a Winnie the Pooh plush, knowing her friends greatest fear. Sam starts running away, leaving the characters watching in confusion.
Yuffie - Didn't they say they were friends?
Rae - It's the way we show our love.
Sam - (screaming) Stop it Rae! We need to get to the game!
Rae - Oh, all right.
Rae puts the plush away like FF characters hide things in small, random places, then sits down next to Sam and spreads a chart out of the table.
Rae - Here's the tournament breakdown. First up - Sora, Luxord, Cid, and Teef.
Sam - Or Tifa, for those of you who don't speak my friends crazy language.
Tifa - But I wanna compete with Clooooouud!
Aerith - Back off, big boobs! With Zack gone, I need Cloud!
And so, another chick fight erupts, this time between Aerith and Tifa.
Luxord - Place your bets! Will Big Boobs or Pinkie win?
Sephiroth - 5 bucks on Pinkie! Tifa can't kill her, I have to stab her!
Cloud - I don't care who wins, I've got chicks fighting for me!
Maluxia (Marly) - 10 on Aerith! She's so stylish!
Axel - Tifa! Big Boobs conquer all! (Looks at the fight) Aerith, go for the shirt!
Riku - Yeah, I agree with the pyro.
Kairi - 10 on Aerith! Tifa's rack pisses me off...
Sora - Whoa, she talks like a dude! (stares at Kairi with admiration)
Sam - 15 on - wait, I mean stop! I'm calling off all the bets! Now go take your seats and watch the short remainder of the fight.
Rae - Aw, but I was voting for Aerith!
Sam poofs in between the two girls, and Tifa's giant boobs smack her in the face.
Sam - Damn! Those things hurt! Are you sure that they're real?
Then, without waiting for an answer, Sam yanks the two women apart, throwing each onto a couch.
Sam - Hell yeah, pwned by a 1X(use yer imaginations) year old! Now, as we were saying, our first competitors are Sora, Luxord, Cid, and Big Boo - I mean Tifa.
(SB - For time management purposes, TF and I have decided that we'll randomly choose who wins, then announce the winners.
TF - And by randomly, we mean by rigging the deck!
SB - (Smacks TF) And the winners are:
Luxord - R.1
Axel - R.2
Beetlejuice - R.3
Yuffie - R.4
So, onto the finals!)
Rae - (is in a skimpy bikini-thing like a NASCAR girl) Okay, now in the last tournament of BS, we'll start with Yuffie! Put down your aces!
Yuffie - 2 Aces!
Rae - Next, Luxord! Unless someone wants to call BS? (Silence) Okay, then. Luxord, place your Twos!
Luxord - (shifty eyes around the table) 1 Two.
Axel - BS! BS! B FREAKIN' S!
Luxord - Sorry, ol' chap. You're wrong.
Axel - (hands burst into flames)
Sam - Goddammit Axel! Your burning up all my cards!
Luxord - (Gamble-poof-repairs the cards)
Rae - Luxord, that was wonderful! Now, it's Axel's turn. Place teh Threes!
Axel - Fine. 4 threes.
Rae - Any BS's? No? Okay, then, it's Beetlejuice's turn!
Beetlejuice (BJ) - 2 fives!
Yuffie - BS!
Beetlejuice - Ha, ha! Wrong, wrong, wrong! Now you have to marry me!
Rae - No holy matrimony in this house!
Sam - Wait, so I can't marry Axel or Cloud against their will? (pouts)
Axel, Cloud, Aerith, and Tifa - HELL NO!!
Yuffie - Aw...I get a pile...and I can't drag Vinnie in here to marry him...
Rae - As much as I am a Yuffietine shipper, I can't allow that.
Yufffie- Yuffitine? What's that? Is it me and Vinnie?
Rae - Yes. Yes it is.
(SB - Alright, TF and I decided that Beetlejuice gets first, Luxord gets 2nd, then Yuffie, then Axel.)
So, Beetlejuice chose the biggest, most secluded room in the house, which also "happened" to be the single person room. Luxord chose the gameroom, seeing as it had a poker table. Yuffie chose the Japanese-style room because it reminded her of Wutai. Axel chose The Red Room, claiming that it was because "it matches my hair!"
Rae - So, now the rest of you will compete in a mad dash to get the room you'd like. There are no rules, so you can beat each other to a pulp for all we care! The last person without a room will have to go into the attic. Did we forget to mention one of the beds was "mysteriously" destroyed? (innocent smile)
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SB - So, TF and I decided to end chapter here, because we have big plans for the room desicion.
Oh, and please don't flame us. Sora will be taking many beating by my character Sam, and TF and I will be making fun of a lot of the characters ('specially that wuss, Sora)
TF - Don't be mean to Sora!
SB - I'LL BE MEAN TO HIM! HE LET AXEL FADE, GODDAMMIT!
Axel - WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY FADE!?
TF - (Brings out the Dreaded Pooh Plushie of Doom and chases SB) SUFFER A FATE WORSE THAN FAYT'S HAIR DID WHEN HE WAS BORN!!
SB - I don't think there's anything worse than Fayt Leingod's hair. Well, maybe Marluxia's, but Marly's got some serious issues.
