Hello all! I had no idea where I wanted to put this but recently I was inspired by the ever lovely Kumiko Seph and her recent chapter: Detrimental of "All System Fully Operational" - A wonderful collection of one-shot suggestions that she takes from her readers! And lo and behold she wrote a suggestion I prompted! I loved it to bits and I just had to continue it because angst is my blood. Of course, she gets credit for the original idea that I piggybacked for this little drabble. Please check her out and show her some love!
(This might turn out to be a series of one-shots if I so decide it, but for now I'm just titling it as this drabble.)
[When he had me in
his arms
My feet never touched
the ground]
Florence+ the Machine "Heavy In Your Arms"
And every time it began you looked at your palms that were splattered with that color. A color that caused pins and needles to cross your sense of touch.
It was blue. Just like the oceans, the sky, a pool…
Those blues were calm and serene. The color of brightness and summer days. But, this blue wasn't that. At all. This blue was thicker and just as precious as the red you knew too well.
From your palms a river of blue poured forth. More and more bled and traveled up your arms in steady rivulets and streams, defying gravity. You raised your arms and within them he appeared. The broken android you had come to adore. You were on your knees, curled over him.
If Hank had not been there to be the voice of reason, Connor would not have made it and for that, that haunted you. You were a well renown officer among the precinct. Six years in the academy to get where you were. You fired a gun, killed, and harmed in the name of justice. You have been shot and broken many times and you bounced back with time and support.
But this time…
The blue stung even more across your skin.
...this time you couldn't. You fell apart so easily. You broke down holding the android you loved within your arms. You had fear, panic, helplessness flood your usually sturdy mind like an overwhelming wave. It was the high of the adrenaline, you told yourself. It was unexpected. But you knew, you knew.
That was just an excuse. Excuses as to why you didn't do something more to help the poor android when he begged for your help.
You looked down. He was still in your arms, a haywire convulsing weight. He was begging you with that broken, static filled voice. His LED was a constant crimson, flickering its constant error.
You shook your head. This was a dream. You knew it was. Because every time you looked at your arms the blue spread more and more across your skin as if it were a living thing taking over your body.
"P-Please..."
"No." This wasn't real.
"You did nothing"
"Shut up." You insisted the broken Connor.
"D0 y0u ev3n c4r3?"
His broken voice make you jump in fear. The LED was now a storm of red, cycling and flickering. Blue seeped down his forehead, splitting down either side of his nose. The wound sparked and remained white. Synthetic skin attempted to cover the plastic, pulsing irregularly in a way that made your skin crawl. No, that was the thirium taking you over.
A sob escaped you. You wanted to let him go and back away. It was a dream. He was becoming heavier in your arms. "Stop!"
"yyyy0u d1d n07h1ng.." He became worse.
The blue continued to crawl up towards your chest. It was like raising water, suffocating your skin in fire.
The LED shone a bright red before it winked out. With it he spoke with his dying breath. "Y0U l3t m3 f4ll."
You raised your head as the thirium seeped towards your mouth. The taste of the blood was upon your lips and it suffocated you. You gagged. You gasped taking in as much precious air as you could but the blue only filled your mouth and then your lungs. You were suffocating. You were-!
You woke up with a start, sitting ram rod straight in your bed. A hand went to your throat to clutch at the skin and tendons. You tried to suck in as much air into your panicking body as possible.
Your legs were numb, ready to run from the threat that wasn't there. Your body felt heavy and coiled tight ready for the danger.
But nothing came.
Of course it didn't.
You were right. It was a dream. You were so aware of them at this point.
You pulled your knees up to your chest and held your head within your white knuckled grip forcing your eyes to close shut and get some sort of control over yourself.
It was just a dream.
The hallway light outside your room turned on and from the doorway you saw someone there in your peripheral vision. Connor called your name. You didn't look up. You didn't lessen the grip on your head. You closed your eyes just as tightly.
You forgot he was staying the night. You both had pulled a late night at the precinct and it was easier for you both for him to come home with you.
In a way you were thankful he did.
"Are you alright?" Again your name was uttered upon his soft lips and you shook your head ever so slightly.
"Just a bad dream." You swallowed. Your mouth and throat were so dry. What time was it? You felt like you had been sleeping forever. It felt like it. The dream was only but minutes but to you it was an eternity.
"You are not alright. My scans have concluded that your stress levels are high when in fact, we both know they are not supposed to be."
Something prickled at your eyes. It stung. Your nose began to burn. Damn it...
You felt the bed seep downward as he sat at the edge of the bed. He reached out with slow and careful hands. He gripped your hold with nimble fingers. Even if he was being gentle, the touch made you jump. You could have sworn you felt the thirium still prickling at your skin.
Finally, finally, you opened your eyes as he pried your hands away. You looked up to him and his expression told all. Your eyes immediately went to his LED, searching for the confirmation that he was alright. It was a calm blue. A blue so much more kinder. It flickered yellow momentarily and you realized why.
You were crying. The tears streamed down your face silently as you looked at him. Hurriedly, before anything could be said, you ripped your hands out of his, beginning to wipe them away.
You were a cop. It was time to start acting like it. "Sorry. Just," a shaky breath. "Just a dream. Threw me off."
His eyes flicked up to you in a careful and tedious manner. He shifted uncomfortably. "You were calling for me." He murmured. "In your sleep." He didn't believe you. He wasn't stupid. You were the one being the fool thinking he would just brush off the way you had been acting towards him. He was worried and you passed it off as just being tired, or needing more coffee. It was hurtful to him, you saw it. But you insisted upon yourself to forget and somehow you just couldn't.
You closed your eyes painfully, shaking your fingers through your tangled hair. You shook your head, staring at the wall opposite of you in growing frustration. Is that why your throat hurt?
"It was," your voice shook. "It was the same one." You confessed sniffling your nose.
Connor lifted his chin and nodded very slowly, his mouth slightly open in a thoughtful manner. "I...see..."
You found yourself opening up more. "...it's always different though. Same thing, just...mind fucks it up more and more." You spat the word with heated poison. Your head was fucked up. What? Just because you saw blue blood?
"Can I be brash?"
You gave him a look that denied him to be so but he continued on otherwise. You sighed.
"I recall asking you if you were alright many times prior but clearly you are not. Do you need to seek-?"
Anger flared and it showed through your voice."Enough, Connor..." You sighed laying back down with your back to him. You talking to someone about that day? Out of all the things you witnessed being a cop. This was what was breaking you? Please. You closed your eyes but as soon as you did you saw his bloodied face, thirium bleeding from his mouth and nose, his arm torn off at the elbow. You gasped opening them again. Maybe...maybe he was right though. You shivered. Maybe...
Fuck.
The bed shifted again and you blinked. "What-?" You went to turn over but was stopped by a solid force behind you. You saw blue in your vision. The good blue. His LED. Your breath caught as his arm wrapped around you. You remained so very still, heart racing. Connor shuffled closer so that his hips were flush against your backside. His chest was upon your back exactly where you could feel him breath and his heart pulse against you.
"I have...determined that this is the position that many feel protected in. If you so wish I can remain here for the rest of the night and in the morning we can determine the next step towards healing your trauma."
You swallowed thickly. His voice rumbling so close to your ear like this. It was smooth and steady, controlled and always strong with that confidence that naturally came to him. It made your stomach do funny things. "I'm not crazy, Connor." You turned your head just so to address him. "Just have a lot on my mind..."
The android remained silent for a moment and you felt him bow his head.
"Please," He sounded hurt and it broke your heart. "Stop pushing me away."
You creased your eyebrows in pain looking away from him. When you didn't protest he pressed onward.
"May I ask why seeing me in such a manner disturbed you?" Connor was known for being so direct. To the point. Of course. His thumb trailed across your chest drawing little patterns here and there. It was so human. Connor was more human than anyone you had ever met. He always had to be moving. Some part of him had to be stimulated. His coin was an outlet, or in this moment your skin. So soft compared to his. He enjoyed it.
You closed your eyes and shook your head. "I...I don't know. I guess..."
Blue.
You shivered. He felt it too. He cupped your cheek and turned your head just so to make you look at him.
"Was it the thirium?"
The tears were still threatening to spill and you had to look away from those soft chocolate eyes of his. "When...when I tried to catch you..." You closed your eyes but it did no good. "When you fell…"
Closed or open you would forever remember it. It was burned into your memory and would leave an equally prominent scar.
Those same handsome eyes were filled with fear and shock, LED flickering a panicked red and yellow. He himself was trying to comprehend what had happened. What would happen. It broke your heart over and over again and made you regret ever becoming so involved in the chase. The adrenaline. The thrill.
It was staring into the face of a person who did not know if they would live or die. A moment that was frozen in time yet seconds made in reality.
Your fingers had brushed against his forearm and then he was gone. Down he fell and you were left standing with that expression stuck in your mind. It burned you alive. Just like the thirium. When he begged for help. Said he was afraid...scared.
You were too.
You were just as scared and helpless.
A sob escaped out of your lips and that is when he brought you closer, curling over you by pressing his chin atop your head. You curled in on yourself and held his hand just as you did when you dragged him from the pools' icy clutches.
Your voice was small. "I did nothing."
"You held me."
"I didn't even care..."
"I am so much more to you." He reminded.
"I did nothing." You insisted.
He kissed your knuckles. "You were so brave."
"I let you fall." You murmured. "I let you fall..."
"Never." Connor whispered gently. "Without you, I would not be here." A tentative kiss was pressed into the crook of your neck. A touch so feather light and careful. Precise and exact.
It was all that was needed for you to begin sobbing freely, clutching his arms closer to you as if they were a lifeline.
You came to terms with yourself. Weeks and weeks you went on pushing him away and now you were face to face with the demon. You never wanted to lose the one being who was more human than anyone you had ever met. You never wanted any harm to come to him again as long as you lived. You loved him and he did so in return and that is what caused so much fear.
Losing that love that felt so new to him and so right to you.
You couldn't meet his eyes right now and he understood that. He kept you still as the sobs shook you. He kept silent allowing you to blabber anything that came forth from your lips. Stupid words with no meaning but with heavy intentions.
He knew humans were delicate things and holding you was enough to prevent you from breaking apart like the finest porcelain.
He held you together as the cracks split you. It was all you needed. It made you cry more because he knew exactly what to do.
Connor murmured your name when the sobs died down to whimpers, when the tears were running dry and had soaked the pillow below.
You never acknowledged him, you were mentally and physically exhausted. After all these weeks of restlessness and heaviness, it had reached a dangerous crescendo. Despite this he knew that he could continue. "Try to sleep." He urged. "I will be here."
You did sleep.
"Promise?" You croaked.
And he remained.
"I promise."
