Disclaimer: Characters belong to Charlaine Harris. I just like to blend their realities.
This little piece of Sookehverse lunacy was inspired by the Saint Eric Competition.
—
In a northwestern Louisiana living room, two friends sat side by side on a well-worn couch. Amelia, human with short brown hair, struggled to keep a laptop balanced on her lap. Pam, a vampire with long blond hair, was on the couch next to Amelia drinking a True Blood.
"Pam!" Amelia groused, agitated. "You've got to stop that!"
Overzealous in her desire to contribute to the story, Pam kept hovering over Amelia, causing the sofa to dip and the laptop to slide from Amelia's lap.
"Yes, well, you are typing too slow."
"I am not!" Amelia responded sharply. "Anyway, what do you think?"
"I still like broadsword."
"No, Pam! That sounds too…too…violent."
Pam rolled her eyes. "Of all the things about Eric, that is not the thing one must fear."
Amelia giggled. Suddenly, she had an idea. "Oh I know, Pam!" Amelia nodded with excitement. "We'll call it the gracious plenty!"
"Yes!" Pam's eyes widened. "It is obviously a made-up term. It sounds like it is intended to be complimentary but it could be sarcastic! Type!"
Amelia typed.
"Smoldering blue eyes?" suggested Amelia.
"I prefer intense blue eyes," Pam replied.
"Smoldering, intense blue eyes!"
"Yes! Type!"
Amelia typed.
"Is he secretly cruel? Or a misunderstood anti-hero?"
"Who cares?" Pam said impatiently. "We need to get to the lemons! Type!"
Amelia typed.
Three hours later…
"Gee whiz, Pam," Amelia rubbed her eyes. "I think I need a break."
"You had one two hours ago."
"You let me get up to go the bathroom."
"Humans," Pam rolled her eyes.
A short while later, Sookie Stackhouse, arrived home from her shift waiting tables at Merlotte's Bar and Grill. Not surprised to see Pam's Lexus parked in her driveway, Sookie called out a friendly "Hello" as she made her way into the living room.
"Hey, you two." Smiling, Sookie warmly greeted her two friends. "What're you up to?"
Amelia and Pam exchanged a guilty look.
"Well, there's an online contest to write original fiction— not fanfiction and Pam and I decided to collaborate and submit something."
"Amelia! That's terrific! You and Pam have been writing this stuff for months. I knew you'd want to write something original at some point. Do you know what you're going to write about?"
"We, Pamelia," Pam paused, a smug look on her face, "are going to write about a 1,000-year old vampire named Derek Southman."
Sookie, startled, looked back and forth between her two friends.
"What?"
"That's right, Sookie," Amelia nodded. "They always say 'write what you know.' So Pam figures—you know, since she's known Eric—" Amelia threw a questioning look at Pam, "...what? Like 200? 210 years?"
"Yes, something like that."
"We figured we'd write about him."
"Oh." Sookie, far from thrilled with this, bit her lip. "What have you got so far?" she asked apprehensively.
"He is a former Viking."
"Yeah," Sookie's tone was full of wariness. "What else?"
"Oh! He's sex on a stick. Gorgeous. Brilliant."
"He is never wrong," Pam added.
"Never wrong, huh?" Sookie, perplexed, turned to Pam. "Didn't you think he was completely wrong in his assessment of the DeCastro/Madden thing?"
Pam shrugged. "Doesn't matter."
"Yeah, Sook," Amelia agreed. "Some folks have a reputation for being right all the time, it doesn't matter when they're wrong. They're beyond reproach."
"Yes, look at your former American vice president and his hidden weapons of mass destruction," Pam added.
Sookie shook her head. "Honestly, I try to forget about him. In fact, if I could be glamoured, he's on my list. Along with that HBO show everyone's all ramped up about. Anyway," Sookie continued, "so, Eric— or Derek—is gorgeous and right in every way? What else is he?"
"He's the ultimate in Machiavellian orchestrators. A master of control, he is large and in-charge." Pam announced with more than a little theatrical flair.
"What?" Sookie's eyes flew open. "Seriously?"
"Well, yeah, Sook." Amelia nodded. "That's our story summary! You gotta come up with something good for the blurb. To grab folks!" Amelia made a punching motion with her hand.
"Yes, Sookie," Pam agreed. "Otherwise no one will read it."
"Okay, so that's your summary. But is that seriously what the story is about? Eric being "all large and in-charge"? What about when his maker was here? Pam, you saw what that was like! Eric was a total mess when Appius and Alexei were here!"
"Sookie, I do not appreciate your tone. What is your point?"
"My point is I had to tell him to grow a pair and get on with it!"
"Sookie, I do not remember it quite that way."
Sookie, incredulous, was catching flies.
"What are you saying? I just reread—" she paused. What the heck did I just reread? she wondered. Oh, yeah. "I just reread the last few pages of my journal from when Appius and Alexei were in town. Eric was completely emasculated! He didn't know up from down! Machiavellian orchestrator? I don't think he could've maneuvered a light switch without me!"
Amelia and Pam exchanged a meaningful look.
"See? I told you." Amelia nodded to Pam, who responded by throwing a thoughtful look at Sookie. "Somebody's jealous." Amelia said this in a singsong tone.
"I am not jealous!" Sookie sputtered angrily.
"Sookie, do not worry," Pam told her. "We can add you into the story as the girlfriend."
"Yeah, Sook." Amelia smiled. "I've got the perfect name for you, too. 'Cookie Crackhouse.'"
"What?" Shocked, Sookie's mouth was again a gaping hole. "That," she hissed angrily, "is not even a name, Amelia Broadway."
"Hey! What crawled up your ass and died?" Amelia retorted.
Pam raised an eyebrow at Amelia's comment.
"Sorry, Pam," muttered Amelia. "No offense."
"I accept your apology, Amelia," Pam nodded, smiling.
"That is so not a good name for me," Sookie repeated huffily. "What else is going in this...this insane ode to Eric?"
"Well," Amelia answered, "he's kind and gentle—"
"Kind and gentle? What the hell are you on?" Sookie shook her head disbelievingly. "What are you basing this on?"
"He is good to children, the elderly, and those who are different," Pam clarified.
Sookie let out an angry snort. "Yeah? Did I miss something? Is Eric volunteering at a soup kitchen or something?"
"He was good to your young cousin when he visited your home." Pam pointed out.
"He didn't hurt him! That's all! Don't think for a minute its not lost on me that I must not be living right 'cos I regard the fact that my boyfriend didn't eat my little cousin as cause for celebration. Next. Elderly?"
"He is respectful towards Niall—"
"You've got to be kidding! He sneered at Niall and called him 'Fairy' the last time they were in the same room together! As for me? Again! Relieved he didn't eat my great grandfather! As for those who are 'different'? Eric hates Sam. Eric hates Alcide. Eric hates Quinn. All you vampires —including Eric— hate all shifters and weres. You all can't stand humans unless we're supes like you!"
Pam stared at Sookie. "Sookie, you say this like it's a bad thing."
Frustrated, Sookie growled.
"Who are these different folks that he's good to?"
Pam, falling silent, appeared to consider the matter. "He has not issued any threats to tourists in at least a month."
"Mid-westerners? You're talking about mid-westerners?"
Incensed, Sookie screamed in frustration. She wasn't done though. Not by a long shot.
"Who the hell tricks a girl into marrying them? Huh? What about that!"
"Well, what girl would be stupid enough to push Eric Northman into a corner so that he thought he had no choice but to trick her?"
So surprised by Amelia's comment, Sookie's eyes widened to saucers. All she could manage was a breathless, "What?"
"Well, it's true!" Amelia responded.
"Sookie, so many women trick and conspire to get men to propose. You would have fought Eric tooth and nail had he proposed in some," Pam's nose turned up derisively, "humanesque fashion. He did what was necessary."
"Well, I already had the blood bond thing going! Geez, how many different forms of slavery do I need to be beholden to him under? For crying out loud, we're still not married in any way that'll leave me entitled to any of his stuff or health benefits or anything!"
"What? You seek these things? I will take care of it tomorrow."
"No, Pam! That's not the point." Sookie paused. What the heck was the point? Oh, yeah. "All these things are his things. Your things. Your vampire ways. They're not anything I relate to."
"I see," Pam nodded. "I have been remiss. I should have instructed Eric sooner. I will bring him to the mall in Monroe tomorrow evening. We will go to Kay Jewelers and buy you an engagement ring and a wedding band."
Sookie, exhausted, glanced to the heavens.
"No, no. You don't have to do that," she sighed. "It's just makes it hard to trust him sometimes. You know I think he pretends not to know stuff just to drive me nuts. Like he doesn't understand certain words and I've got to explain them—"
"Maybe he doesn't know them," Pam reasoned.
"Please, Pam! I fell for that once. Twice. Probably even three times. But uh-uh. No more. Also, he has no idea that he's supposed to hang towels and put his clothes away when he's here, but at his place I'm not even allowed to keep my shoes on!"
"Those hardwoods were very expensive, Sookie. I know. I helped him pick them out."
With a loud sigh of frustration, Sookie decided to just leave her two friends to their activity.
"That's it! I've had it! Cookie Crackhouse is going to bed!"
"Don't worry, Sook! We'll fix things up for you!"
"Yes, Sookie. Cookie will be very compliant and things will be much easier for her."
"Yeah, Sook. Then you can read it and it'll help you figure stuff out. You'll see."
"You shall see," Pam nodded. "Eric has even agreed to beta it for us."
AN: Hmmm. Honestly I'm not sure WTF this is. The wonderful moxiemo suggested I continue and actually have Eric beta it. This started out as a oneshot but I like fic-crazed Pamelia so...
