AN 02/25/19: So apparently people are still finding this absolutely absurd story I wrote at age 14. I've left it up because I find it hilarious but really, there is very little literary merit to this. If you want a much better story, please go to my profile and check out the new Ron and Hermione story I'm working on. Thanks!


Hermione Granger sat on the couch, arms and legs crossed and eyes narrowed, and watched her best (or rather, ex-best) friend and Lavender Brown kiss very, um, enthusiastically. And right in front of her, no less. Now, if Hermione was a normal best friend, she wouldn't have cared whom Ron swapped saliva with. But because she's not a normal best friend, the sight made her mad.

No, not just mad. She was downright pissed. And disturbed. She was pisturbed. In fact, she was so pisturbed that she didn't even notice how out of control the party became, what with the Firewhiskey and the like. If she did, the party would be pooped before you can even say "Huh?" Instead, she was too busy calling Ron every obscenity in the book. She even made some up, just for good measure.

Bastard. Shittard, she thought-cursed. Son of a- no, I won't call him that. I like his mum. Urgh, I hate him so much!

No you don't, contradicted another voice in Hermione's head. It sounded suspiciously like Ginny. You luuurve him.

Honestly, Hermione thought. How can I like someone who always succeeds in making me feel so horrible? How can I like someone who always fights with me?

The voice brushed it off. Oh, that's just sexual tension.

Hermione was disgusted. I won't even comment on that.

Ok, you don't like him. So why do you hate him so much? inquired the voice.

'Cos he's with Lavender. Hermione thought it before she thought about it. She instantly took it back.

Ah, so you do like him, said the voice superiorly.

I didn't say that.

You implied it.

Did not.

Did too.

Did not, did not.

Did too, did too, did TOO!

Did not, did not, OK FINE!

If Hermione was arguing with herself about her relationship with Ron, then she really had no hope.

I like him, ok! Hermione shrieked in her head. Even though he makes me sick and aggravates me so much, I like him. Now would you go away!

Yes, said Ginny's voice. And it went away.

Hermione looked back at Ron and Lavender. They were still at it. She looked away for about a minute. She looked back again. They were still at it. Hermione couldn't take it anymore.

I have got to get out of here, thought Hermione.

As Hermione was got up to leave, of all people to come by with drinks and sit down next to her was none other than Ginny herself.

"Oh, boy," Hermione sighed.

"Here, I thought you could use some butterbeer," Ginny said, handing her a bottle. "And sit back down; I need someone sane to talk to."

Hermione sat back down, grabbed the bottle and took a long swig.

"Thanks, but I doubt this will help get rid of my urge to vomit," said Hermione, sourly, as she took another swig.

"I know, they are revolting, aren't they?" Ginny said, looking the direction of Ron and Lavender. "God, he's such a hypocrite. D'you know just a few days ago he went ballistic because he caught me and Dean? I've noticed they haven't stopped for breath once. Of course, this is Wonniekins's first kiss from someone outside the family, so I guess he doesn't want to miss anything."

"Ginny, please," Hermione begged as she put a hand to her stomach.

"Oh, sorry," Ginny said, smirking slightly. "I forgot you fancy him. For reasons I shall never know…" She trailed off, shaking her head.

"I do not…" Hermione hesitated. What was the point? "Am I that obvious?"

"Yes," Ginny replied. "But don't worry; Ron's git-like tendencies make him totally oblivious about your dirty little secret."

"Well, it doesn't matter anyways, he obviously doesn't feel the same," said Hermione, bitterly.

"Rubbish, he fancies the pants off you," Ginny assured her. "He just doesn't seem to know it."

"Well, I think sometimes he knows it," said Hermione slowly. She thought back to the Herbology lesson they had a few days ago and rapidly proceeded to tell Ginny about the conversation of Slughorn's party. "After I tell him I was planning on asking him, he sounded all eager. So, obviously, I was under the impression he likes me back. But now the arsewipe is exchanging saliva with that stupid bimbo."

Ginny was surprised yet pleased. "Arsewipe" and "bimbo" are words she would typically use. Yes! Ginny thought. Six years with the Weasley foul-mouths has finally paid off.

"Well the only reason I can think of for my brother's stupid behavior," said Ginny, "is because he's trying to make you jealous."

"Yeah, that thought crossed my mind, too," said Hermione. "But I didn't do anything to make him want to make me jealous."

Ginny suddenly remembered more details about the time when Ron caught her with Dean. Uh oh…

"Uh, Hermione," she began apologetically. "Ron's idiotic behavior might be partly my fault. When he caught me with Dean and went crazy, I was pissed off and told him how he's acting childish 'cos he hadn't kissed anyone yet. And then I kinda mentioned how you kissed Krum." The last bit was said pretty fast.

Hermione caught every word, though. "What? Why the hell did you tell him that? Plus, I didn't kiss Viktor, he kissed me. And I never even liked him like that. Well, not really."

"I know. I'm really sorry," Ginny mumbled, shamefaced.

Hermione sighed. "Eh, don't worry about it. I also had something to do with it. I said something and Ron thought– thought being the operative word– I called him a crap seeker. Long story." Hermione added when she saw Ginny raise her eyebrows. "So Ron's stupid male ego was hurt and this is how he retaliated."

There was a moment silent and then Hermione let out a growl. "God, he's such a jerk. Why did I fall for him?"

"Sometimes we can't help who we fall for," Ginny sighed sympathetically while involuntarily gazing a certain messy-haired someone who definitely was not Dean. Hermione noticed that she recently has starting doing this again. She rolled her eyes.

"Ginny, snap out of it," Hermione said, waving her hands in front of Ginny's face. "I'll help you with your predicament if you help me with mine."

Ginny snapped out of her reverie and blushed as she realized what Hermione meant. "You're drunk. You don't know what you're talking about."

Hermione grinned for a second and then got a decisive look on her face. "You know what we need to do? We need–"

What they needed became unknown as a crumpled up piece of parchment interrupted Hermione and hit her head. After yelling "Whoever threw this is in huge trouble, I'm a prefect!", Hermione smoothed out the piece of paper and saw that it was a flyer of some sort. In a messy scrawl, it read:

Do you love to sing and dance? Are you talented in singing and dancing? Are you hot? Can you be appealing to your fellow classmates? If all these apply to you, thencome try out to open for the first ever Hogwarts Talent Show. Tryouts areSunday, November 24th in the Great Hall at 3 PM you there!

Underneath that was a picture of a scantily clad Celestina Warbeck, dancing rather provocatively. Obviously the organizers of this little do are of the male variety. Tryouts are next week, Hermione thought as a plan formulated in her head. A slow smile spread across her face. Ha! Ron, your arse is mine! She finished what she was trying to say before she was rudely interrupted by this wonderful flyer. "We need to get payback."

Ginny was excited. She loved the prospect of revenge. "I know that grin. It's the Ron-your-arse-is-mine grin. What are you thinking? Oh, I know! You should get with Seamus 'cos Lavender just dumped him in the beginning of the year. He's so desperate now he'd hook up with anybody. Not saying that he'd have to be desperate to hook up with you." At the look from Hermione, Ginny added the last part fairly quickly.

Hermione, who was still glaring, said, "No, just getting one person won't do any good. We've got to surpass Ron, not get even with him. I'm thinking the entire male population of Hogwarts."

Ginny was horrified. "Hermione, please tell me you're not thinking of becoming the school Scarlet Woman."

"Oh, God no," Hermione said. "I won't be hooking up with anyone. I'll just hook them, if you know what I mean." She showed Ginny the flyer and told her the deal.

After Ginny heard the plan, she was astonished. "Hermione, you're a genius."

Hermione smiled smugly. "I know I am."

"I'm surprised at you, Hermione. I didn't think you'd actually do something this…well, ya know. Sluttish."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Well, this might show people that I'm not the goody-goody they think I am. Besides, if I were in a normal state, I'd be caught dead before doing something like this. But desperate times call for desperate measures."

"So what song are you planning to use?" Ginny asked. Hermione doesn't know much about wizard music and she can't possibly learn a song by tomorrow. "Are you doing a Muggle song?"

Hermione hadn't thought about. She took that moment to think about it. After a few moments of thinking, she thought of the Black Eyed Peas, a musical group that was immensely popular in the Muggle world. She remembered one song that was constantly played on the radio. She smiled, recalling the lyrics. It was simply perfect for her plan. "Well, there is this one song…"