You Can't Tell Anyone!
By Hpfan
The normally coveted hogwarts bed that he desired at the beginning of every school year was upsetting his tender back. Customarily, his first night back at Hogwarts was always the best night of sleep he ever had, but since the summer had begun, he had received no pleasurable sleep at all. He turned on his side, careful not to jar his bruised ribs, but ended up hurting himself, nevertheless. He hoped that he wouldn't stir up any commotion in the dormitory by tossing and turning all night long. He knew that he had some suspicious looks at the opening feast earlier that day. Ron and Hermione would probably be monitoring his every movement. Most of the time, he loved the caring attention his friends gave him, due to his bad upbringing; he had acquired an inferiority complex. But now, he felt like he just wanted to be alone. Better to be alone then to have anyone find out about his secret.
It wasn't as though he liked the attention that he got in the Wizard world. He always despised the idolization he received. He just wanted to be loved, and for people to care about what was happening to him. His friends had always worried about him and sent letters to him during the summer, but that had all but stopped during this summer. At first, he thought they were just busy, and throughout the abuse that he had to suffer from, he tried to stay open-minded about where they were, and why they couldn't find time to write, but after not getting letters all summer, he realized that they were trying to avoid him.
Getting on the Hogwarts express, they seemed to be friendly enough. Had he received letters from them, he would have thought their behavior was perfectly normal, and it puzzled him why they were being this way. Maybe they thought he hadn't taken the hint and were trying to be nice about it, as a 'No hard feelings' thing. He tried to give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they hadn't been trying to ignore him. Possibly, there had been a problem with the post. They seemed concerned enough over his odd behavior.
Arriving back to school was the best thing that could have happened to him. He had been waiting to get back for so long it hurt. They had a new Defense against the Dark Arts teacher named Professor Night. He had an air of familiarity, but Harry hadn't been focusing on his professors, he had been focusing on making sure that no one suspected anything odd about him. It was imperative that no one found out about what had happened to him over the summer.
Harry tried to get back to sleep, but images kept flashing through his mind. The recent dreams he was having every night, his uncle hitting him, the night of the third task, his alarm that everyone was going to find out about the events of the summer. The problems swam around his head until he could no longer take it, and feeling restless, and overwhelmed, he got out of bed, trying to find something to do so that he didn't go crazy with worry.
He felt tired by the time he reached the common room, but he knew that even if he tried to he couldn't go to sleep. He made his way out in the corridor, looking for nothing in particular. He looked around the familiar halls; at the paintings of snoozing individuals; the twisting staircases and the tall suits of armor. It was comforting to be back at home.
Not really noticing where he was going in his tired state, he bumped into something… or someone.
"Ha- uh, wha- what are you doing here?" he realized that he had bumped into the new teacher. Professor Night.
"I- uh. I'm sorry. I, I just could sleep so I went for a walk. I was just heading back to Gryffindor tower." He said, hoping he didn't sound disrespectful when he yawned in the middle of his statement. To tell the truth, he didn't really care if he got in trouble for being out late. He was too tired to heed punishment.
"Uh, I need to speak to you first. Perhaps we could step in my office. I'd like to discuss something with you." Said Night. Harry sighed quietly. He just wanted to go back to bed, but he knew he wouldn't sleep, or he wouldn't sleep well. He followed his Defense professor. Night had dark brown hair, and pale eyes. His eyes were curiously familiar, but he just couldn't place them.
Finally, they arrived in his office. Harry sat on the chair behind the desk, and he had to fight the urge to just rest his head on it for a while. "Harry?" He looked up at his teacher. He took out his wand, muttered 'Finite Incantatum', and suddenly, it was like his face was melting off of him. In its place were the features of Sirius Black.
His dropping eyelids lifted, and his eyebrows rose. He was amazed to see his godfather. "Sirius! Wow!" he said in drowsy amazement. "You're teaching in disguise? That's awesome." He gave a rare smile, but it was short-lived when he realized all of the risks Sirius was taking by working here. He decided not to burst either of their bubbles.
"Yeah, I'm really excited about it. Anyway, why aren't you sleeping?" Sirius shifted into concerned godfather mode.
Harry sighed again, and shrugged.
"I guess I just have insomnia." He said.
"Really. Have you had this all summer?" Harry gave an awkward look, not wanting to talk about all of the bad dreams that he had in place of restful sleep, and all of the nights he just pace around his room or was unconscious.
"Well, it was more toward the end of the summer." Not a complete lie.
"Would you like me to ask Madam Pomfrey for some sleeping potion?" Sirius looked concerned, he felt bad about lying to him, when Sirius was so concerned, but the prospect of a sleeping potion was too tempting to dwell on that.
"That would be great. Would you?"
"Sure, I guess. But taking sleeping potions every night isn't good for you: especially at your age. Maybe I shouldn't; potions like that aren't good to get attached to." Harry didn't know whether he was more frustrated, or disappointed. "With insomnia, you are supposed to deal with the problems that are causing it. In most cases, it's psychological. What's bothering you?" If Harry hadn't been so self-conscious, he might have replied what he was thinking: 'So many things'.
"I- I don't know. Nothing I can think of off the top of my head." He was just outright lying right now. He could name quite a few right off the top of his head. 'Being abused, the idea of anyone finding out I'm abused, the thoughts of my friends ditching me, and a lot of places where my Uncle hit, whipped, or cut me.
" Is this about… what happened last year? Harry you really shouldn't dwell on it. Think about the happy aspects of you life."
'Nothing I can think of off the top of my head', he thought.
"I should probably get back to my dormitory before I fall asleep on your desk." He said, before staggering out of Sirius's office. He almost fell over in the hallway outside, but Sirius grabbed his arm in an attempt to keep him upright. He bit his lip from crying out as Sirius grabbed the spot he had been stabbed in. Sirius quickly put the charms that had been on his face and hair prior to his visit back on, before he put an arm around Harry's back, which caused him to bite back a burst of pain. Sirius looked questioningly concerned, but didn't say anything. When they finally got back to the dormitory, Harry had almost fallen over from a mixture of pain and fatigue. Before he could enter through the portrait hole, Sirius stopped him.
"Harry, why is there blood on my hand from where I touched you?" Harry turned in horror. Had one of his wounds opened when Sirius had grabbed him? Sirius frowned as he gave him a scrutinizing look "Follow me." He practically dragged Harry toward some unknown part of the castle. Harry didn't know what impulse to follow. He wanted to run away, to scream, to give in, and then there was that ever-growing inducement just to fall asleep right there.
Harry thought they would be going to the hospital wing, or Dumbledores office, or even Sirius's office, and was surprised to find that they were infront of a painting on the fourth floor. Sirius muttered a spell and it opened up to reveal a nook about twice the size of a closet. Sirius entered, and Harry, knowing he had no choice, followed. Inside, Sirius said a spell causing the lights to go on, and he muttered a silencing charm over the room.
"Harry, what happened to you? You look like you're in terrible pain every time I touch you." Harry merely shrugged, hoping that Sirius would just accept that.
He knew by Sirius's look that he wouldn't fall for that answer. "Fine, you want to do this the hard way? Take off your shirt." Harry was almost stunned. 'He knows' he told himself.
"I- I, but I…" he said flustered. He tried to change the subject, but Sirius interjected.
"Harry!" his voice sounded almost like a growl, and it brought on a flashback to all of the times that Uncle Vernon had yelled at him. Harry shrunk back, and cowered in fear. Sirius looked apologetic. "I'm sorry Harry. I-I just want to know what's going on. It's my responsibility to look out for you. You need to let me see what happened to you."
Harry knew there was nothing else he could do. He unbuttoned his shirt, and took it off very slowly, trying not to provoke any more pain. Sirius's eyes grew wide as he saw the bruises, cuts, and whip marks. He mouthed the words 'oh my god' and making Harry feel very self-conscious. "Who did this to you, Harry? Have you told anyone about this? Does anyone know?" he asked, still in awe.
"M-my uncle." He whispered, trying not to invoke Sirius into a fit of anger, fearing he could be the target. He spoke louder, trying to get his point across. "No one knows. You can't tell anyone Sirius. You can't!"
"Dursley did this? I'll kill him! I'll bash him into the ground for doing this to you! That man is going to pay! I swear it! I'll curse him into a trillion pieces! If they think what I allegedly did to the street looked bad, wait till they see what I'm going to do to that son of a-"
"Sirius, you can't. No! You can't do anything to him! Please! You're the only person I have left, and if the ministry catches you, I'll be left all alone. He'll come after me if anyone finds out I told!" He said desperately.
"Harry, we're going to Dumbledore right now! I swear on your parents grave that man will never touch you again, if that means that I have to kill him!"
"You can't tell anyone! Please. I don't want to go to an orphanage. Plus, what if someone found out about this? What would happen?"
"I-I have to Harry. I'm sorry, but Dumbledore has to know! First off, I would lose my job. It's a teacher's reasonability to report these things to the headmaster. Secondly, even if I was allowed to, I couldn't live knowing that you're going back to your relatives."
Harry desperately tried to hold back tears. "Please… You can't! I'll do anything. You can't tell anyone. What would happen if everyone found out? What if Voldemort knew? What if the public knew? What if my Uncle found out that I told? It would be in newspapers for a month. Voldemort would know that I was weak, and would come after me. My Uncle would kill me. I would lose all respect. The newspapers would have a field day. The next thing you know, everyone will know what my uncle did to me!"
"Harry, do you realize how serious this is? This isn't about some stupid reputation; it's about your safety. You could die!"
"Exactly. My safety would be in jeopardy if anyone found out. Voldemort would come after me; my Uncle would come after me." He had curled up in the corner, with his arms on his knees and his head in his arms. He had almost admitted defeat, and wanted to shrivel up and die. It had been only a few hours back, and someone was already threatening his entire plan to keep the abuse a secret.
"I'm not going to negotiate with your safety. I'm sure Dumbledore won't let this get out."
Harry finally knew it was over. He broke out in tears, and howled into his arms, pleading with Sirius, begging him to reconsider. Harry looked up with his tear-filled eyes, and saw that Sirius looked completely helpless.
He sat down next to him on the floor. He tried putting his hand on Harry's shoulder, but he flinched, and moved closer to the wall, tightening himself into a ball. Sirius made a last attempt at negotiation. "If I were to do nothing then you would go back to your relatives next summer. Is that what you want? I wish that I could take you in, but I'm on the run constantly, and to have you with me would be a liability to you and to me."
"A liability like having the world know my biggest weakness?" he asked, still in a desperate voice.
Sirius sighed heavily, "Fine. I won't tell anyone for now, but when summer time comes, unless we have a better plan, we're telling Dumbledore." Harry sighed with relief.
"Thank you. I'm sorry. If anything happens, and they find out that you didn't tell them, I'll take responsibility for forcing you not to say anything."
"Harry, I know how independent you are, and how you probably want to deal with this single-handedly, but will you let me help you? You need medical attention, and you need to talk to me about what happened. You can't bottle this kind of thing up."
Harry just gave him a teary-eyed smile, " Thank you so much, Sirius." Harry gave him a loose hug. Sirius seemed shocked by this motion, but if he was, he didn't say anything; he just hugged him back.
"Did you ever think that I would turn my back on you?" Regaining some control over the situation, he said, "Come on, you're going to need some sort of remedial potion or something. I have a few things in my trunk." Harry followed him back to his room, shirt back on, and face dry. When they finally got back to the room, Sirius was practically carrying him. Sirius sat him down on his couch, and went to go get some potions. Harry wanted to sleep. Had he been able to, he would have fell asleep right then and there, but he couldn't. He was just too distracted, and the fact that someone knew was a scary concept. Of course, if he had told anyone this, he probably would have wanted it to be Sirius.
Sirius came back with some kind of balm; with instructions to rub it everywhere he had abrasions, or open wounds. That would eliminate the risk of infection. He took off his shirt, and Sirius helped to rub the stuff on his back. It didn't sting, but touching his sensitive skin hurt like hell. Sirius helped him wrap gauze around all of his wounds, which were practically everywhere. When he was finished, Sirius gave him his bed and slept on the sofa, after much protest from Harry. It was almost one in the morning when Harry drifted off to sleep.
_____
At two thirty in the morning, the only thing that could be heard in Sirius's room was the ticking of the clock, and Harry Potter's groans, and whimpers, and occasionally, he would whisper something in his sleep, like, "No, stop." And "Please, I'm sorry". Or he would say, "Please, not the belt" or "It's not my fault". Finally, Sirius, woke him up, concerned by his behavior.
"Harry. Wake up; it's just a nightmare. It's okay. Wake up, Har, you're okay." He said, but Harry just yelled more.
"No, not my back. I'm sorry. Please, don't hit me. I'm begging you. Not the knife! Please." Harry had tears coming from his closed eyes, but he didn't cry. Sirius took him in his arms, and embraced him. A motion that surprised Sirius, but seemed almost natural.
"Harry, it's just me, it's Sirius. Don't worry. You're safe." Harry's eyes finally opened, and a very confused look flashed through his eyes. He squinted, and a look of recognition, then relief, then horror came over him.
Had he woken Sirius up? He began to apologize profusely. "I'm so sorry. Did I wake you up? I promise I won't do it again." And then, almost in an afterthought, quietly said, "Please don't hit me."
Sirius looked murderous for a moment. Harry shrunk back, and curled into a ball, expecting to be hit. Sirius shook his head reassuringly at him. "I wouldn't hit you Harry. I promise you, I would never do that." He said in a quiet, comforting way.
Harry looked like he was ashamed though. "I know, but it's become like instinct to me. Do you want me to leave? I'll just go. You can go back to sleep." Harry made a movement to leave, but Sirius stopped him.
"No, Harry, you don't have to go. I don't want you to go. I'm fine. I'm not trying to have you leave. You just try to go back to sleep." Sirius ruffled his hair, and Harry fell back into his arms. He wished he could fall asleep faster so that Sirius would go back to sleep. He didn't want him having a lie in and missing his first day on the job. Sirius settled him into the pillows. About five minutes later, when Harry had gotten nowhere, Sirius asked him, "Harry, did he stab you? You said that he came at you with a knife…"
"Yeah," Harry looked apprehensive about talking about the abuse. "He stabbed me with a knife, twice, both in my arms." Harry replied, looking away.
"You're lucky that you survived this summer. Your uncle is a huge man. I know, I've met him before. You shouldn't feel bad. I mean, not many people could have your uncle beat them up while they were unarmed, and live to tell about it. Especially a teenager."
Harry silently agreed with him. His uncle was huge, and he wasn't exactly the strongest person of his age. It definitely was lucky that he survived. He closed his eyes and tried to fall asleep, or at least tried to look asleep for Sirius's sake.
After about twenty minutes of trying to remain dormant, he opened his eyes, and noticed that Sirius had fell asleep with his head at the foot of the bed. Harry used a levitation spell and tucked him into the bed, and then he went back on the couch where Sirius had been sleeping, and tried to find some sleep. He lay there for the entire night, willing the images of the event of everything that had happened through out the past four months to go away and leave him alone.
After daylight had been shining through his window for a while, he heard movement in Sirius's room, and got up to go meet him. He saw Sirius getting ready, and when he looked over, he looked concerned. "Did you get any sleep? You look horrible!" Harry didn't want to say the truth, but he had a feeling that Sirius wouldn't believe him if he lied. "Well, I guess you should get ready for classes. I would excuse you from class to catch up on sleep, and I know that you'll probably be groggy through out the day, but I'll let you take a dreamless sleep potion tonight so that you don't knock your sleeping patterns out of whack."
Harry had no intention of not going to class, from fear that people might ask about it. The last thing he wanted people to do was ask questions. That's what had given him away last night. Finally, he looked down and noticed that he was only wearing his boxers. He needed to get a change of clothes, and would need to get there fast. "Sirius, I need to go get a change of clothes from…" But Sirius cut him off by throwing a new set of clothes on the bed.
"I asked one of the house elves to get them for you. They won't say anything to anyone. It's part of their obligation as house elves." He said, giving a reassuring smile. "I'm going to get changed, but before I do, I need to go over a few things with you. You do have my class today, and besides Ron and Hermione, no one can no who I really am. Only a few people on the staff know, and I can't afford for anymore people to find out." He said, looking solemn. Harry nodded without hesitation. Some of the risks that he had disregarded last night were coming back, but he tried to ignore them.
When they were both changed, and Sirius had his disguise on, they headed off toward breakfast; taking different routes as not to be seen together. As he walked, he tried coming up with an excuse for his absence for that morning. He could just say that he got an early start, and had gone for a walk outside. He decided to stick to that excuse.
He met Ron and Hermione at the table and they gave him small smiles. "Where were you this morning?" Ron asked. Harry gave his excuse, and they laid off him. He got his schedule and noticed that they had Sirius's class right after Herbology. He didn't feel like going to classes due to his exhaustion. That, added to his injury's had made it very difficult to get from Sirius's room to the Great Hall. He knew he would have no chance just to lie down his head on a table and rest in that class, as there was a risk of getting bitten by a plant.
They arrived just barely on time, and Harry had to make it unobvious that there was something wrong with him. He tried to hide the stiffness from all of the gauze he had wrapped himself with. He could barely concentrate at all throughout the class, and when it was finally time to leave, he had to pry himself from the chair, and try to make it look unquestioning. They finally made it to Defense and he fell into a seat near the middle. Ron and Hermione asked him if he would sit up at the front with them, but he couldn't have moved if he tried.
Privately, he wondered if they had even noticed how tired he looked, or if they were just trying to not make him feel uncomfortable. 'Better them wondering about my sleep then if I had been abused or not.' Sirius finally entered the classroom, and made eye contact with Harry for a second, before taking the register. When he called on them, he said their first name, unlike most teachers who said there last name after a miss or mister. It was a nice change being treated with respect.
The lesson wasn't a practical one; he explained that those would hold after they learned the theory behind the subject. He made the lesson interesting, talking about how people could be tempted, or, more then likely, forced, to join Voldemort.
"The dark lord had been known in my time, to use scare tactics, such as threatening family's. He would never compromise, his deals were always very straightforward, join him, or suffer the consequences. Now, the spell we will be learning is called, efficio dissimulo. The triggered forgetfulness spell will cause people, who don't trust themselves, to forget vital information about their families. That spell, if you're tortured long enough, will wear off. It is self-applied, and will cause you to forget only what you…" Harry never heard the rest of that statement, because he nodded off.
Harry found himself back at number four Privet Drive. He was locked inside of his tiny room, with blood covering the walls, and the door locked from the outside. Suddenly, he heard loud, staggering footsteps, and someone yelling; "Boy! This is all your fault! I'll get you for this! If it weren't for you, I would still have a job. You'll pay!" Harry curled up in as tight a ball as he could out of instincts, being careful to try and mind his damaged body.
As this happened nearly every other day, Harry could almost predict all of his Uncle's actions. He heard the lock click as it opened, the huge footsteps nearing him, and then he felt the blows begin to fall. He could make out the actions at first, a blow to the head, a kick in the ribcage, but after a while, it all became blurry. He tried not to scream out, but occasionally he would try and persuade his Uncle to stop.
He heard a buzz coming from somewhere above him, and he dared to peek out of his curled up state to see what was going on, and he saw Ron, Hermione, and Sirius staring at him with concerned expressions on their face. When he realized what had happened, he could feel his face pale, and his eyes widen. He looked around the class for a moment, and only and sighed with relief that only a few people were still in the classroom.
"W-what? What happened?" he asked, even though he knew what had happened; he had fell asleep and had a nightmare. He only hoped he hadn't said enough to make anyone suspicious.
"You fell asleep during my class and had a nightmare, apparently. Do they know about me?" Sirius asked him. Harry knew that his face was probably albino colored by now.
"No, I was going to tell them later, when we had more privacy." He said, giving him a look that said, 'tell me what you know'.
"Well, I might as well tell them now… I'm Sirius." He said. They both had pretty much the same reactions as Harry did at first, shock and delight. After the initial response, he excused them to talk to Harry alone.
Harry waited until about a nanosecond after they left, before asking, "How much do they know?" Sirius just looked at him with a, your lucky, look.
"I excused the class after I realized that you were having a nightmare. The rest of the class was excited about leaving, but Ron and Hermione wanted to look after you. I don't think they heard you say anything really revealing, but you were very lucky." He nodded, knowing very well that he was indeed, fortunate.
He was finally dismissed and instead of going to lunch, He went down to the kitchens, with the justification that he was visiting Dobby. Ron and Hermione wanted to go also, but he told them that it probably wasn't smart to have three people down there during lunch, as they would most likely be busy.
Harry's ulterior motive for going to the kitchen was to ask the house elves for a thermos of coffee. By the time Harry had finished his lessons, all objective to keep his secret confidential vanished, and it was a good thing no one had seen him, because he had to practically drag himself to Sirius's office.
He knocked on the door to Sirius's room, and when Sirius opened it up, he double taked. "Harry, you look like hell. Come in," he said. Harry would have declined, knowing that he wouldn't make it back to Gryffindor tower if he sat down, but he didn't have the strength to argue. He had the potion in a ready cup, with a disguising charm on it to keep anyone from noticing it. He had almost made it to the door, when everything got really woozy, and he fell. He didn't recall hitting anything hard, either because he didn't, or he had passed out before hitting the floor.
_____
"Harry? Harry; wake up. Please, you must get up!" He heard the blurry talking, but it got muddled on the way to his brain, and he could figure out what it was that they were saying.
"Harry, please. You've got to come around. It been far too long." His brain worked out that the voice was a female this time. He liked that voice. He wanted to hear that voice speak again. He tried to wake himself up, but all he could do was twitch his hand. He heard the voice respond to that.
Finally, he managed to grasp on to consciousness, and his eyes fluttered open. He immediately recognized Ron and Hermione standing over him. Harry could tell that Hermione was using a lot of self-control to keep her from putting Harry into a bone-crushing hug, but Ron just looked at him, blankly, as if he couldn't get something into his head. He gave him a vacant look.
Harry tried to question him about it, but he realized that he couldn't speak. There must have been some kind of breathing tube down his throat. That didn't mater, as Ron answered the question he meant to ask in his inquiry. "Why didn't you tell us what happened to you this summer?" he asked, his voice was like stone grating against metal, in his poor attempt at stifling all of the emotions that were trying to escape.
Harry could feel his eyes bug out of his head, and almost choked on the tube that was down his throat. He didn't know what to say, and was glad that he couldn't speak, so he wouldn't be obligated to. Of course, as fate would have it, Madam Pomfrey came over to check on him, and before she left, she removed the tube, enabling him to speak. He sighed, knowing he was obligated to talk.
"Well, what was I suppose to say in a letter? Dear Ron, I know that you haven't written to me all summer long, and even though I'm getting the feeling that you want nothing to do with me, I'm writing to tell you that my Uncle is being abusive. Write back soon. Harry." He said in a croaky voice, knowing full well he was being spiteful.
Hermione looked at him in shock. For a moment, he thought he would be reprimanded, but that wasn't what she said. "Harry, didn't you get the letter? Dumbledore wrote to Ron and I saying that we couldn't owl you. He put up some kind of barricade for incoming and outgoing owls. He said in the letter that he would be writing you through muggle po… Oh! Oh god, Harry, you must have thought we hated you! And throughout all of that? And even if you wanted to, you couldn't have written to any of us either. Oh, I'm so sorry, Harry. We would have written you if we could have. We wanted you to go over Ron's but you couldn't." Ron joined in apologizing to him, but Harry stopped them.
"Look, I'm not interested in your apologies. I forgive you both. But, who else knows about this? Did it get out? And what happened to Sirius?" Ron and Hermione looked at each other sheepishly.
"Well, you see, the good news is, no one except Dumbledore, us, and select members of the staff know about what happened. That's good. And you aren't going to have to go to a foster home, or an orphanage. You'll get to stay at either mine, or Ron's house during the summer, until you're old enough to get your own place." Hermione said, phrasing it like a question.
"But, what's the bad news? There has to be bad news. Did something happen to Sirius? Was he fired?" he was almost in a state of panic.
"Well, he wasn't exactly fired. But, the ministry is giving him a trial. They know. If the jury doesn't believe his story, he gets the dementor's kiss." Harry was rendered speechless.
"Ho- how did he get caught? It was my fault wasn't it? I shouldn't have been such a bother to him."
"Well, you see, the day that you fainted in his office, he freaked out, and flooed to Dumbledore's office. He was putting the charms on his face but he didn't do it in time, because Fudge was in Dumbledore's office. He was found out, and Fudge wanted the dementor right away, but Dumbledore talked him into a trial."
"When will we know the results?" he asked.
"Well, considering how long the judicial process works, and how big of a trial, and how swamped the Ministries laws, I would guess that we probably won't know the result of the case until the end of the school year." Harry sighed heavily. It was going to be a long school year!
End notes: Stay tuned for the conclusion in chapter two! It could be out anytime in the next year.
