Alex & Nicks Adventures: Tales Of Vesperia

"Dude. You. Me. ToV. FTW!" Alex said into his phone to his friend Nick. "Man, I'm totally there. Gimmie a sec to get my shit together, and I'll take wing." "Looking forward to it."

"Yo, I'm here. Let's get our friggin' game on." "Holy shit! It's you! That was fast!" Alex said, unexpectedly. "Doesn't matter worth a squirrel for, I guess. Let's roll." Alex continued.

**********************************

"Huh. The main characters name is Yuri? Eheh… Yuri…" Nick mused to himself as he looked upon his new world. "Hey pooch!" he said, as he looked at the dog on the foot of his bed. "What's your name then, Yaoi? Shota?" Nick had a bout of laughter before the creature spoke up. "Well, Repede, actually." "Holy shit! Is that you, Alex?" "Yepper. It's me, alright." "…You sound pissed off." "You'd be too if you were at perfect crotch level with everyone." "Ahaha!" "Shut up. Let's get going."

"Why is there… water flowing down the road?" Nick pondered. They looked up. "Heheheh. Discord. Sweet discord. How ironic, the fall of the peons, drowning in their own cesspooled water. Their own waste their deliverer to the fires of hell!" Alex proclaimed madly. "Alex, buddy. You need to get the whole 'crotch level' thing under control." Nick told him.

"Holy shit. Look at that guy draped in orange with the white hair. Does he not look a bit familiar?" Alex asked Nick. "He does too… pointy hair, shades, green eyes… What in hell's he doing here?!" "Dammit, this always happens! He always follows us, world for world, making us bleed…" "Oh shit, he's coming!" "Hey boys!" the old man said in a dog whistle like voice. Nick and Alex ran screaming up the hell to the higher quarters. The old man shrugged as he returned to work.

"I wonder what Gant's doing here… Again." "He always rapes you or me, if that helps a load off your mind." Alex told him, and continued. "And as entertaining as watching a bunch of filthy people drown in waste water is for me, I suppose someone ought to do something." "I suppose. Ah, Alex, my misanthropic canine friend, you never cease to amuse me."

They finally got to the higher quarter. "Remind me again, what in sam Hell are we doing here?" Alex asked Nick, who he believed was unsure of everything he was doing. "I had my suspicions about Mordio, that wizard who came here. He lives up here in this big ass house, right?" "Yeah…" Alex agreed "And with big houses… comes plenty of places to hide the bodies… You know. Of them." "Oh… it all makes sense now!" "Alright, we're breaking in." Alex ran up to the door and smashed it down. "Hm. Should have invested in an alarm system. Let's get diggin!" Nick said, as he pried open the floorboards and digged.

"Wow. Twenty seven congealing bodies!" Alex took pictures. "Mordio!" Nick yelled at the hooded wizard who was carrying a bag. "Ah. It would seem as though you have discovered my secret." "Hell yeah man. A nobleman killing hookers?! I'm selling this to the goddamn press! I'm gonna be living in this mansion after the Schwann Brigade cuts your damn head off!" Nick yelled triumphantly. "Nick, those bags! There are blastia in them, probably from the fountain!" Alex said to him. "You don't say? Well, ain't that the icing on the cake! After I turn you in, Mordio, this estate will be mine!" "I can't let you do that!" Mordio said, incredulous. He threw down a smoke bomb and disappeared.

"Yuri Lowell!" "Ah, it's the Schwann brigade, Adecor, and Boccos!" Boccos was a short guy, and Adecor was a tall guy with hug lips. "Whoa. Look at those lips, Adecor. Get stung by a few bees on the mouth on your way here?" Alex asked. "Shut up, man!" Nick told him. "Thank god we found you. Yo, that Mordio guy killed twenty seven prostitutes and stole blastia cores!" "I say bullshit. This is your house! Furthermore, you killed these prostitutes, and you stole those cores!" Adecor accused.

"What the fuck? No, listen, this is Mordios estate!" "I daresay, no it is not."Adecor corrected. Behold, this house was sold, to you." "The real estate contract." Boccos handed him it as he spoke. "This house is now mine, with a 1000,000 gald mortage that I will have to pay to in twenty five years sincerely… YURI LOWELL?!" Nicks eyes bugged out. "That slippery sum'bitch signed this debt under my name!" "I say, you're coming with us!" Adecor said. "Fuck no! I've been framed! I demand to see my lawyer!"

"Resisting arrest, Mister Lowell?" Boccos asked. "Hell yes we are, Boccos, and I'll tell you something else, you're a fat ass!" Alex said as Boccos grew red. "Yo mamas so fat, that when she sits around the couch, she sits around the couch! Yo mamas so fat that when she got baptized, she had to go to Sea World!" "Arctico Marineland, bitch!" Nick added, before continuing. "Yo, Adecor! Yo mama is so greasy that she sweats Crisco! Your mamas so ugly that they filmed the movie 'Gorillas in the mist' while she was takin' a shower!" Adecor got darker.

"Not bad, Nick, not bad. A little lengthy, but not bad! Watch and learn…" Alex said as he walked up to Boccos. "Yo mom's so stupid it took her two hours to watch sixty minutes! Yo mom's so stupid she sold her car for gas money!" "I say! What's a car?" Adecor asked. Nick laughed his ass off as Alex continued. "Hey! Stupid!" Adecor and Boccos both looked. Nick was crying in laughter. "Hey, Adecor Nude noggin! Your mamas so bald you can see what's on her mind!" Alex yelled. "Boccos! Your mamas so dirty you can't tell where she ends and the dirt begins!" Nick shouted. "She changes her pads every three periods! Just like a goddamn hockey team!" Alex screeched. "Adecor! Your mamas like a racecar: The bitch burned four rubbers in one night!"

"Gentlemen! I cannot sit back and watch yo' asses get beat down by this kids!" "Sergeant Cumore! Sir! Please help us!" Adecor yelled. "Alex. Yo' mamas so hairy that her teats look like coconuts!" the turquoise headed sergeant said. "Ack! Low blow!" Alex said. "Nick. Your mamas like spoiled milk: White, chunky and smells bad, and tastes like shit!" "I fold!" Nick said. "Yeah? Well I have one last trick up my sleeve!" Alex said, rising. "Hey, Cum-more. Your mamas so androgynous that…"

*******************

"Well, nice one Alex. We're in the slammer now… You just had to hit him with the androgynous bit." "I'm sorry." "Alex, what are you writing down?" "That one thing Cumore said about my mother… Your mamas… hairy… teats… like… coconuts." "Whoa brother. What are ya talkin' about?" the man in the other cell asked. "Your mother. Her teats are hairy like coconuts." "Ah! Low blow, man!" "Mweeheeheehee." Alex grinned. "Here, can I use that bit?" "Hey fuck off man. It took me awhile to learn that one." "I'll give ya a key…" "Alex, take the key for the luvvagod!" Nick said to him. "Hmmm… Okay, fine…" "Superb." The man slipped the key to Alex, and he took it grudgingly.