Before we start this story, let's get one thing straight. This is the product of two writers who use My Little Pony fanfics as a cure for writer's block. We are not, under any circumstances, attempting to make a serious fic.
On a side note, the Cadance/Shining Armor subplot happened because one of us is very amused by those sorts of stories. Will it happen in the show? No idea. Is "Paranoid Auntie Twilight" funny? Yes.
"We're going to have to tell her, you know."
The white unicorn stopped his pacing, turning to stare at his wife with disbelief in his eyes. "Tell her?" he repeated, slowly, as if he didn't fully understand what was being said. "You actually want to tell her that we're expecting a foal?"
"We're her family," the princess pointed out, stretching her wings and keeping a very close eye on her husband. "She deserves to know. Besides, as much as I like your parents, they probably won't be able to keep it to themselves for any significant length of time." She turned a playful gaze on her husband, pretending to be concerned. "Or do you not even want to let your parents in on it?"
"That's not fair, Cadance," he protested, and Cadance laughed lightly. "I want my sister to know, she deserves it, but I'm worried she'll freak out too much. And then she'll try to help." He emphasized the word in a way that suggested that his sister's help would be anything but helpful. Cadance understood why he felt that way, but she'd made a point and had to stick by it.
"We could always use help," she said, but Shining Armor shook his head.
"Not Twilight's help. You've seen how she gets. She'll probably end up trying to foal-proof nature or something."
"You're not giving her enough credit," Cadance insisted. "Twilight Sparkle is a great mare to know, and she'll be a fantastic aunt."
"I don't doubt it," Shining Armor sighed. "But you can't deny that she has a tendency to be...what's the word I'm looking for?" He thought hard, various possibilities flashing through his mind, and then he finished with, "Obsessive. Obsessive compulsive. Whichever fits."
"And maybe the whole princess thing has calmed her down a bit."
He laughed. "You're funny, Cadance," he said, gently bumping her horn with his own. "But you're right. Let's break it to her."
Twilight Sparkle reacted exactly the way her big brother had predicted she would, with the exception of the "foal-proofing nature" bit. But there was still plenty of time for that, Cadance thought to herself, as she watched her sister-in-law go.
And go she did. She flew in loop-the-loops around the castle library, screaming "Yes! Yes! Yes!" at the top of her voice. She accidentally knocked her owl off his perch and onto the sleepy dragon that had come out of his nap to ask what she was yelling about this time. She had skidded to a stop and knocked Shining Armor aside like he was a living bowling pin. And then she had started to search for proper books.
Spike looked from the mare he'd grown up with to the visiting royal couple, and let go of the irritated bird to make a demand. "Will somepony tell me who dropped the happy pills into Twilight's water this time?"
"This time?" Cadance and Shining Armor questioned in unison. But then a large book fell to the ground, and three pairs of eyes stared at it in wonder. The cover was missing, but Twilight seemed to know exactly what it was, anyway. She flipped it open to a place where there were pictures, though fortunately the pictures weren't too descriptive.
"I knew this thing would come in handy someday!" Twilight cheered, bouncing up and down in excitement like a purple Pinkie Pie. "I found it in a box of old books I bought at a yard sale, back when I was re-stocking, and the box was packed with a collection that made no sense at all. But I got it and unpacked it anyway and kept it around because I made a bet with Dad about this, and now I get to -"
"Twilight?" Cadance said softly, but the younger mare was still babbling.
" - and you and Shining Armor...oh! This is too exciting! Do Mom and Dad know? I'll bet they're excited, because I sure am -"
"Twilie?" Shining Armor called, nervously waving a hoof in front of his sister's face. She didn't seem to notice it.
" - and now it's finally happening, a little filly or colt, a little you running around -"
"TWILIGHT!" Spike bellowed, finally cutting into her rambling. He'd pieced it together from her comments, but he seemed more amused at his friend than excited. "I know you're happy about being an aunt, but before you run off to the Crystal Empire to help your brother, why don't you just congratulate them and move on?"
Twilight felt heat flood her face. "I wasn't planning on running off to help them," she mumbled, pretending that Spike didn't know her well enough to figure out what she was eventually going to be thinking of. But she apologized, and started away, clearly embarrassed.
Cue Pinkie Pie calling Twilight's name through the door, and Twilight let her in without moving. She fell into an uncharacteristic silence as she spotted the book, still lying open as Shining Armor tried to read it without being noticed. Her eyes drifted from the book to the unicorn, then to the book again. To Twilight, back to the book, to Cadance, to Shining Armor, to the book, to Twilight, to Spike.
And then there was an almost audible click.
"Twilight?" she called, rushing to grab her purple friend before something could go wrong. "Why didn't you tell me your brother and Princess Cadance were coming?"
"I don't know. It kind of surprised me."
"And why, exactly, did they come here without a warning?"
Twilight looked nervously toward the visiting rulers, and Shining Armor just used his magic to close the book. "You can tell her," he finally said. "I think she knows, anyway."
Twilight sighed. "Fine. But you have to remember, you can't spread this like a rumor, ok?"
"Why? Is it a secret? A super-top-secret that only royal ponies are supposed to know?"
"It's not anything like that," Cadance reassured her. "We just...haven't told the other princesses yet."
"Yes, Mom and Dad already know," Shining Armor said before his sister could ask.
Cadance looked to her husband for support, and finished with, "Pinkie Pie...your friend Twilight is going to be an aunt."
Pinkie's mouth fell open. Clearly, whatever idea she'd had was nothing close to this. "Oh, I'm so happy for you guys! You have no idea how relieved I am that it wasn't Twilight!"
"Me?" Twilight repeated, dumbstruck. "What made you think it was me? You know I rarely even talk to stallions."
"I know!" Pinkie cried. "And that's exactly why I was so relieved! I worried that you'd gotten abducted by aliens, who transplanted a foal into you and sent you back down here!" At the stares of basically everybody, she just stared back. "I saw a picture or two in the book. What was I supposed to think?"
"Anything else," Twilight said as she fought the urge to slam her face into said book. "Really, Pinkie, if you saw the pictures and saw Cadance and Shining Armor, the logical conclusion would be that it's them, don't you agree?"
"Logic? What fun is there in logic?" The statement seemed to trigger something in the party pony's memory, and she quickly remembered why she was there. "Oh, yeah, Discord's at Fluttershy's, and she can't leave him alone with all those animals. So she sent me to ask if you had a book on...what was it again? Right, I remember now, it was on pet treat recipes. She lost hers."
"Did she lose it, or did Discord eat it?"
"Who knows," Pinkie said, not really caring. "So, do you have one?"
"I'll help look," Spike offered, and mere moments later, Pinkie Pie bounced out the door with a white book firmly in her teeth.
Pinkie heard Discord before she opened the door. "Fluttershy! The stupid cat's at it again!"
"Leave him alone, Discord," Fluttershy's quiet voice instructed. "He'll get bored eventually."
"He is sleeping on me."
"That just means he likes you!"
And then Discord said something even Pinkie Pie had to agree with: "Why?"
But that was when a hoof pounding on her door distracted Fluttershy from her conversation. When Pinkie was let in, she did indeed see the tiny white kitten that Fluttershy had named Hopscotch curled up right between Discord's horns, and that the god of chaos appeared to be sitting in a time-out.
"It's purring," Discord was saying, staring irritably at the wall. "Please tell me that means it's going to explode."
"Don't ask," Fluttershy warned, before taking the book from her friend. "Thank you for finding the book for me."
But Pinkie didn't leave. Instead, she stood there with a big smile on her face. "Do you have any duct tape?"
"Duct tape? Why?"
"Because, Twilight and her brother and Princess Cadance told me something, and I didn't exactly Pinkie Promise, but Twilight still said it's not supposed to be public knowledge yet, so can either of you help me close my mouth for about six hours?"
"Gladly," said Discord, and suddenly, Pinkie Pie's mouth was clutched in his paw.
Fluttershy wasn't amused. "Discord, give it back," she scolded. "She needs that to eat."
"She asked me to," Discord pointed out, and Pinkie nodded.
"But that's hers," Fluttershy reminded him. "I won't have my friend starve to death because you took her request out of context." When Discord remained indecisive, Fluttershy sighed. "You'll get another Good Boy Star."
Whatever this 'Good Boy Star' was, the promise of one seemed to affect Discord, and not only did Pinkie get her mouth back, she found a lollipop inside it.
She took a lick, and found that it wasn't even earthworm-flavored. It was even, dare she say it, delicious. "Mmmmm...cherry!"
Fluttershy flew up to pat Discord on the head, being extra careful to pet the kitten curled there, too. "There, you see? That wasn't so difficult, was it?"
Pinkie spat out the lollipop stick, which clattered perfectly into Fluttershy's garbage can, the candy already gone. "But how am I going to keep this a secret? Princess Celestia and Princess Luna don't know yet. And if I still have my mouth, and I'm this happy for her family, how can I keep it shut?"
"Well, I don't know about that," Fluttershy admitted. "But I don't think you should ask Discord for help. You need to eat."
An almost visible light bulb went off in Pinkie's head. "That's it! I'll do nothing BUT eat until Twilight says I'm free to speak! You're a genius, Fluttershy!"
"I never suggested that," Fluttershy tried to protest, but Pinkie Pie had already knocked her out of the air with a hug.
"Do you have any food you can part with? Oh, never mind, you have Discord!"
Discord blinked. "She does?"
"Yes! You can make chocolate rain! I just want a personal chocolate raincloud to follow me everywhere! And then I'll stuff my face until I can't think about Twilight's news anymore! And then I won't tell anypony, because I won't think about it!"
"But Princess Celestia says I'm not allowed to rewrite reality on a whim anymore. I'm supposed to wait for somepony to ask for my magic help and charge for my services."
"But I don't have any money."
"That's all right, you can pay me in cake. Or, you could take a third option..."
He let the bait hang there for a second. And then the pink pony bit it. "What's the third option?"
"One chocolate raincloud...in exchange for your soul." He held out a long, official-looking paper, with strange words written across it. "What do you say, Miss Pie?"
Pinkie examined the contract, carefully studying, and then shook her head. "Nah. My soul is worth way more than one little raincloud. I'll go with the cake."
"Very well," said Discord with a disappointed sigh, making the contract vanish. "I'll collect tomorrow. As of now..."
One snap of his fingers, and Pinkie Pie was outside, a pink cloud pouring chocolate milk down on her. She rushed to the window, squealing loudly, and placed her front hooves on the open window, the chocolate rain turning her pink mane brown and soaking into her coat.
"Thank you, Discord!" she cheered. "Now I can keep from telling all of Ponyville that Twilight's gonna be an auntie!"
There was a beat of dead silence. Pinkie, realizing what she'd done, turned and ran all the way home, trying not to reveal any more. Discord and Fluttershy didn't even get to blink.
"Well, then," Fluttershy managed after a few moments, watching the cloud of dust shaped like her friend fall apart. "That's exciting."
"Oh, definitely," Discord agreed, pulling the cat from his head. "On a completely unrelated note, where do you keep the rabbits?"
"I don't think I should be telling you this," Fluttershy replied, taking the kitty from her unlikely friend. "Usually, when you say it's 'completely unrelated,' there's somehow a direct relation."
Discord refused to budge. "So, on a completely related note, where do you keep the rabbits?"
Two weeks later was the Grand Galloping Gala. Cadance and Shining Armor had promised to attend, at Twilight's insistence. Fluttershy had explained to Discord that with the baby and everything, Twilight wanted to make sure the pink princess would be protected. Of course, Discord and Spike privately agreed that, now that pretty much all of Equestria knew the news, if anypony tried to hurt Cadance, the rest of the ponies would enter a violent rampage.
Discord hadn't really intended to go to such an event, even after he'd reformed, and he doubted that Celestia and Luna would approve of his presence. But after hearing of his friend's first Gala experience, he had decided to liven things up a bit, Good Boy Stars or not.
"But you are aware of what a broken Star Streak does, aren't you?"
Discord spun around to face the mirror Princess Twilight had given him after the Tirek Incident, and his reflection stared back, challenging him. "What about it? The reward is just cake."
"It's not just any cake," the reflection taunted. "It's the most delicious cake in all of Equestria. Remember?"
Yes, Discord did remember. It was nothing like the cake Pinkie Pie had made for him in exchange for the raincloud and saving her soul, though that one was pretty good. It was even better than any cake he conjured for himself. THIS cake...this cake was baked by Fluttershy and her animal friends, Disney-princess style. He had absolutely no idea how they had managed to smother three different flavors of icing so evenly, or how they had arranged the gummy worms into a sun shape without messing up or leaving little birdie footprints in the perfect frosting. It was almost as beautiful as it was tasty, and it was why Discord was so interested in getting those Good Boy Stars.
But the cake was nowhere near as beautiful as a crashed Gala would be. That's what Discord told himself, anyway, and quite literally with his reflection.
"Of course," said the Discord in the mirror. "But beauty is second to effect, remember? Well, that's what our dear friend Fluttershy is trying to teach you."
Discord coughed into his paw. The reflection noticed that the cough sounded remarkably like "Buzzkill."
"I'm your conscience, Discord," the reflection said lazily. "It'd do you some good to listen to me once in a while."
Discord deliberately paid no attention.
"Twilight, I'm fine," Cadance said for the eighth time that night. "I've been saying this for the past ten minutes."
The younger princess stared. "But...you're pregnant," she pointed out, and Cadance laughed.
"Yes," she agreed. "Is there a point to any of this?"
"What if something goes wrong?"
Cadance glanced toward her husband, who was deep in conversation with a few noble stallions about what, exactly, the purpose of the Crystal Heart was. "You know, Twilight, you're more paranoid than he is. Shouldn't you let your brother handle the worrying?"
Twilight rolled her eyes. "He's probably assumed that I'll handle the worry, anyway. I'm just doing my job."
Cadance let her have that one. "There's no foal alive that will be more protected than mine, I suppose," she said softly. "You, me, Shining Armor, the entire Crystal Empire..."
"And don't forget about me, dear princess."
Twilight's teeth ground together, and both sisters-in-law swirled around to face the new arrival. Discord waved cheerfully, and Twilight noticed with some irritation that at least he'd dressed for the occasion, if in a sloppy, uneven sort of way. A brown vest, a tie he seemed to have given up on tying halfway, an enormous top hat balanced on one of his horns...
"What do you want this time, Discord?" Twilight demanded, as Shining Armor came to see what his little sister was so irritated with.
Discord patted the young alicorn on the head, making soft tutting sounds. "All in time, Twilight Sparkle," he assured her. "Aren't you just happy to see me?"
Twilight grumbled something incomprehensible. Discord wasn't entirely sure, but he might have caught the phrase "Lunatic at a formal party" somewhere in there, followed immediately by something about Celestia. But Discord was more interested in Cadance and Shining Armor.
"We meet again, Princess Cadance! And, by the way, you look particularly lovely this evening -"
"I don't forgive you," Cadance said shortly.
Discord paid no attention, focusing on the unicorn instead. "And this must be the soon-to-be father!" he cheered, gripping one of the startled prince's hooves in both his hands. "I've heard all about the Equestria Games from Spike, another good friend of mine -"
"Let him go, Discord." Twilight's sentence was more of a command, and Discord immediately released Shining Armor's hoof. He knew his place. "Why are you even here?"
"Well," Discord explained, "I've heard that the Gala tends to be a boring affair. So, I decided I could...assist. Not to mention I wanted to give my congratulations to the expecting couple. Forgive my use of that word," he added, looking back to the rulers of the Crystal Empire. "But I love it when the word 'expecting' is used when talking about a baby. It makes it seem like there can be more than one outcome."
"You are NOT turning my niece or nephew into something else!" Twilight ordered, grabbing Discord's attention once again. "And what do you mean by 'assist,' Discord?"
"Oh, it's nothing TOO horrible," Discord promised. "Your niece or nephew is going to be completely unharmed at the end of it. I just brought some friends along to liven up the party."
And he casually snapped his fingers, bringing a large group of rabbits to the center of the stage. Their sudden appearance, dressed in marching band outfits and carrying tiny instruments, startled the musicians Princess Luna had chosen, and they watched in fascinated horror as the rabbits took the stage.
"Oh, dear," Celestia whispered, her attention drawn away.
Luna just downed an entire cup of punch in one gulp.
"Your Highness, I know it's not my place to question you, but...was that alcoholic?" one of the unicorn guards asked, and the moon princess sighed.
"I neither know nor care. Stay with me tonight, just in case."
The guard gave an impressive death glare to another unicorn guard, this one white with a brown mane and a Taser cutie mark. The Taser unicorn looked back, apparently unfazed, and returned to standing still as a statue by the door. Luna followed the first guard's stare, and had to force her eyes away from the white stallion.
"Be very, VERY close," she ordered quietly, and the guard nodded his agreement.
The bunnies on stage didn't seem to care much for their new outfits and tiny instruments, and threw them all at Discord. He somehow managed to avoid all the attacks, but the bunny rebellion was too far gone for him to assume any type of control. They ran amok, crashing into the pony partygoers and hopping on the snack table. The entire royal family just stood there, letting it all sink in, and then Discord gave a great shout.
"Look at that!" he cheered, clapping his hands in excitement as if he were a little boy as they started chowing down on the refreshments. "Do you see it? Oh, look, the little things are hungry!"
Twilight's left eye twitched, but then the whole truth of the situation hit her like Scootaloo's scooter. There was only one army of bunnies that would even tolerate Discord's presence. "DISCORD! Put those bunnies back where you found them, or I swear -"
"DISCORD!"
This shout did not belong to Shining Armor, nor was it or any of the guests, guards or princesses. No, it was Fluttershy, and she was much more angry than he had ever seen her.
Luna looked from Discord to the new arrival, and immediately downed another cup of punch.
"Why...hello, Fluttershy," Discord started, managing to scoop up a tail full of bunnies behind his back, pretending he didn't notice the formally-dressed ponies huddled together in fear. "What brings you all the way to the Gala? Didn't your previous experience end in -"
"Where. Are. My. Bunnies?" Fluttershy snarled, giving Discord the very same Stare she'd become rather famous for. Like any creature would do, even with the fortunate immunity he himself possessed, he gulped, and tried to make it out as if it wasn't anywhere near as bad as it seemed.
"Well you see...I have some of them in my tail..." he held out his tail and the small balls of fuzz within, "and the others are, how do you say it? Ah, yes, I know: Les autres lapins mènent une résistance."
Fluttershy did not know what language he was speaking, but one word could easily be translated: "résistance." And it did not go well with her.
"You mean to tell me that my rabbits are out there, leading a resistance?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," said Discord casually. "It seems I misspoke. Your rabbits are a resistance."
"This one's trying to eat my flesh!" a Pegasus mare cried out, and Fluttershy rushed out to pull the offending creature off her leg.
"I'm so sorry," she apologized. "I don't know what got into Discord...he usually hates formal events..."
"I never said that," Discord protested. "I said I hated how boring these parties tend to get. I love formal events, especially when this kind of stuff happens."
Fluttershy ignored him, flying around and pulling rabbits off of the terrified guests. After pulling one particularly clingy female from Luna's mane, and a male attempted to make off with Celestia's crown, she finally came back to Discord, placing her captures into the basket she'd made him conjure for that very purpose.
"Is this all of them?" she asked, and the rabbits inside the baskets shook their heads in unison. "Who are we missing?"
Twilight facehooved as she looked back up at the stage, where there stood one single bunny, sharpening a carrot to a point. "Angel," she groaned. "He brought Angel to the party."
Fluttershy glared. Discord held up his hands in surrender. "Honestly, Fluttershy. Who did you think was leading the rabbit rebellion?"
Luna gave the punch bowl a longing look, and Celestia sighed.
"Go for it," she said simply. "We have a spare bowl in the kitchen."
Luna summoned a straw, stuck it in the bowl, and began chugging.
Celestia paced in front of the remaining guests, Shining Armor having placed Discord inside a barrier he couldn't even teleport out of. Or perhaps he didn't want to teleport out, knowing perfectly well that he was up to his antler in doo-doo.
"This," the solar princess said, not bothering to look at any of them, "was an absolute disaster. Fluttershy, how could you let Discord get away from you with your rabbits?"
"I'm sorry, Your Highness," Fluttershy whispered, much more calm after she'd stopped Angel from attempting to skewer Discord with the sharpened carrot. "I promise, he'll lose an entire week of Good Boy Stars for this."
Discord's face fell. "A week?" he whined, and Fluttershy nodded solemnly. "But the Good Boy Stars go on a day-to-day basis! You can't take a whole week of stars for something stupid I did one night!"
"Then you should have thought about that before you kidnapped my bunnies and released them at a formal event."
"They were a marching band! They just got hungry on their trip over, that's all! A bit power-hungry, I'll admit, but -"
"And did you magically give them the skills necessary to be a marching band?" At Discord's sad shake of the head, Fluttershy extended a wing in a way that could be interpreted as 'Talk to the hand.' "I will need to see your calendar, Discord. And give me a pen."
"Why don't you just throw a knife at my chest?" Discord grumped.
"Don't think I haven't thought about it," Twilight warned. "But then you'd survive, and clearly, pain is less of an incentive to you than a big chocolate cake with three kinds of icing...and perfectly-arranged gummy worm decorations on top..."
"That's enough torture, Twilight," Cadance said, noticing how Discord seemed to mime being stabbed with each X Fluttershy made across his 'Good Boy Calendar.' "You're going to make him cry."
"It's not like he doesn't deserve it," Twilight pointed out, but Celestia shushed them both.
And then Fluttershy finished her mission, and the princess 'poofed' the calendar away. "It's all taken care of, Princess Celestia," Fluttershy whispered, paying no attention to the way Discord pretended to die right there in the bubble, complete with a gravestone.
"Good." Celestia thought something over a bit more, and then returned her attention to the Pegasus. "Say, Fluttershy? Do you want to make your Discord-sitting job a little easier?"
"Easier, Your Highness?"
Celestia nodded, and stomped her right front hoof three times. Out from behind a door came a white unicorn stallion, with a brown mane, an uncombed tail, and a very unusual cutie mark. Nopony gathered had ever seen one before.
"This is to be Discord's...extra help. Perhaps he can help him find a way to earn more of those Good Boy Stars."
"I don't need help! I can earn that cake all on my own!"
"You just got a whole week taken off!" Shining Armor reminded him, and Discord cringed.
"A sad, sad day," he mumbled, but did not speak again.
The unicorn guard nodded once. "I will do as commanded, Princess," he said with a bow, and grabbed the unmoving Discord by the tail, dragging him home.
Twilight sighed. Keeping Discord under control was going to be the most difficult challenge yet, and as Princess of Friendship, she had to take it whether she wanted to or not. She just hoped he'd learn to behave himself around her upcoming niece or nephew...
