Chapter 1: The Gang Loses Paddy's
Chapter Text
Tuesday,
10:45 A.M.
"So Frank, you're saying you're saying you're incontinent?" Dennis squinted at the bald, fat little man who raised him. He had known for years that his father was falling into decrepitude but wasn't prepared for this kind of disgusting bombshell. Frank let out a sigh. He wagged one of his short, greasy fingers in Dennis's direction.
"Nuh, uh! I ain't incontinent! I can hold my piss!" Frank corrected.
"Well, then why have you decided to have Charlie start buying you Depends?" Dennis insisted. At this point, his sister Deandra had begun to follow the conversation and was intently looking for an answer from Frank. Frank took notice but refused to acknowledge her silent participation.
"I sent Charlie to grab me some Depends, so I don't gotta' slow down in my drinking!" Frank informed Dennis.
"Frank, if you're voluntarily wearing diapers, maybe it is time to slow down!" Dee chimed in from in back of the bar.
"Shut up, bird! No one's talkin' to you!" Frank scolded his daughter. She really was insufferable. Frank was not going to have any of her bull shit.
"Yeah, Dee. You aren't in this conversation. Go, clean the tables or something. Do your goddamned job!" Dennis added. At that, he turned his attention back to Frank.
Dee silently seethed with bottled rage and resentment towards the man who she had once called father, and that self-absorbed prick of a twin brother. Goddamn her fate, being stuck with these two all her life.
"So anyways, I wear these so I don't have to stop drinkin'. Stop to take a piss. Take a shit. I just do it in my Depends!" Frank responded in a matter of fact tone. Neither one of his children could believe what they were hearing.
"Yes, but, then you are sitting in your own filth!" Dennis bellowed in disgust.
"So?" Frank completely dismissed the argument without effort or analysis. Dee and Dennis shared a look across the bar. An understanding look of mutual repulsion towards Frank. Suddenly, the door of the bar burst open. Charlie ran through, looking worried and anxious. He turned to his friends, and waved his arms frantically, in a familiar panicked Charlie way.
"You guys, you guys. This is bad! You know that one lawyer? The one who hates us?" Charlie yelped. Dennis, Frank, and Dee looked at each other, then back at Charlie, and collectively shrugged their shoulders.
"No idea!" Dennis blurted, "But how long were you going to keep the fact that you're buying diapers for Frank a secret?"
"I've known that bitch was incontinent for months now!" Dee rang in, raising a snicker from her brother. Frank sneered at the two of them.
"I ain't incontinent!" Frank snarled. His indignant protest was abruptly interrupted by Charlie's frantic squeals.
"You guys! Forget about whatever's going on with Frank! It doesn't matter! We're about to lose the bar!" Charlie shouted. The group suddenly stopped what they were doing and focused on Charlie.
"Charlie, you didn't enter our bar as a prize in another dance competition, did you?" Dennis scolded.
"God, no! Charlie!?" Dee pleaded. The scruffy little man shook his head furiously.
"Naw dude! It's much worse than that! This time we're completely screwed!"
A familiar man wearing a grey suit entered the door suddenly, a leather briefcase in hand. His hair, short and immaculately combed. An eye patch on his left eye, a new feature. Charlie remembered that epic courtroom battle. Apparently, so did he. He laid his briefcase on an open table. The blonde woman suddenly jumped up.
"Oh wait! Don't sit down!" Dee shouted toward the lawyer. The lawyer stopped and watched Dee as she began to search the seats in the bar. She peeked over her shoulder. Trying to be indiscreet, she loudly whispered behind her.
"Charlie, where'd we put the tack stool?"
"Dude! Dee! Do not give him the tack stool!" Charlie angrily responded.
"Come on! It'll be funny!" Dee retorted. The lawyer, having witnessed all of this, casually had a seat, snickering to himself.
"Oh, Reynolds family! You will never stop making it an intensely satisfying experience to give you bad news. And today really isn't your day!" The room snarled at him.
"What do ya' want, Jew lawyer?" Frank snarled. The lawyer shook his head and sighed.
"Still using racial epithets, I see, Frank! Horrible never changes."
"Yeah, yeah, get off my balls!" Frank pressed.
"Heyo!" Mac finally entered the room from the office. He looked in curiously as he noticed everyone focusing on the lawyer, and whatever was in his briefcase. "Woah, woah! What did I miss?"
"Why you've come in just in time, Mr. McDonald! I'm issuing the five of you a notice to vacate the premises!"
"On what grounds?" Frank interjected.
"On the grounds of an out of court settlement for reparation of damages to two clients, Liam and Ryan McPoyle." The lawyer smiled. All members of the gang began to feel panic well up, aside from Frank, who was furious.
"How 'da hell did you get past me? And didn't they throw your case out?" Frank argued.
"Ah yes! The McPoyle wedding case. The one where I lost my eye! I didn't forget that." The lawyer glared at Charlie.
"You know, now you just look straight up like a bad guy from one of those Japanese lawyer games." Charlie impulsively exclaimed. The rest of the gang snickered, whispering among themselves. The lawyer rolled his one working eye.
"Oh Reynolds and associates! How I've longed to deliver you a finishing blow, and today, I think I have. The McPoyle's were awarded the property of Paddy's Pub for damages done in an apartment fire. Smaller shares were awarded to one Matthew Mara, and one, Gail, last name omitted. But main shares were awarded to Liam and Ryan Mcpoyle, as part of a much larger multi-case settlement against you."
"Why would you ever want to take that case, dude?" Charlie exclaimed.
"It's easy. It was an open and shut case, and it gave me an opportunity to finally bring my worst enemies to ruin. My god, you people have me talking like a villain in a tv show. You really do ruin people's lives. Anyway, I knew that you wouldn't leave of your own volition, so I arranged for a police escort."
The door flung open once again, with four large police officers proceeding. One in the middle stepped forward and spoke authoritatively.
"Will Frank Reynolds, Dennis Reynolds, Deandra Reynolds, Ronald "Mac" McDonald, and Charlie Kelley please step forward?"
Without hesitation, the entire gang leaped to their feet and placed their hands over their heads.
"Accept our escort peacefully, and we will not be required to use force."
Frank glowered at the lawyer as he walked towards the exit of the pub.
"You no good, piece o' shit, shyster lawyer! You're gonna' regret this!"
Frank lunged towards the lawyer in a fit of rage, ignoring everything else. With that, the officer closest to Frank constrained him, giving him a spray of mace to his eyes. The rest of the gang hurried passed Frank, who was currently being kicked by the officer that sprayed him. As they were walking out of their bar for what might be the last time, they watched as the sign from above the door was roughly handled by a course, gangly man. Another, a similar looking shady figure stood at the top of the ladder, affixing a new sign to the marquee area. McPoyle's Milk Bar. The balance had really been thrown off this day. South Philadelphia would never be the same.
At the bar, a police officer continued to beat on Frank, as the lawyer watched, satisfied from one of the bar tables. Liam and Ryan McPoyle enter the bar, followed by their sister Margaret. Frank reached out his hand towards the new owner of the bar.
"Liam, it's me! Frank! We can make a deal!" Frank graveled beneath layers of tear gas and asthma brought on by beatings from the officer. The sandy blonde proprietor of the bar looked down upon the bloodied, puffy-faced little bald man, hyperventilating and grasping at his pant leg. He could easily dismiss him and have him arrested. But was there something he wanted from Frank… perhaps. Liam snapped his fingers at the officer and pointed his finger at Frank Reynold's portly little frame.
"This one stays, officer. By request of the new owner." Liam exclaimed. The officer took a moment to pause and look at the strange man making a request. He noticed the lawyer from the corner of his eye, motioning towards the bar's owner to abort whatever plan he was brewing. Clearly, he thought it wasn't worth it. The officer looked at Liam one more time, just to determine if he was being serious or not. Reluctantly, he accepted this as a legitimate request.
"Alright!" the officer shouted, reaching down to punch Frank Reynolds' face. "But I'm going to finish beating the shit out of him first!"
"You're too late, officer. I shit myself the second that you maced me!" Frank declared. The officer scrunched his nose and backed off. Liam, the demented leader of his family motioned his shoulders, signaling to his siblings. They snapped to attention and moved towards Frank immediately.
"Ryan! Margaret! Get Franklin cleaned off and then bring him to my office."
The two McPoyles seized Frank underneath each arm and began to drag him away towards the bathroom. The lawyer flagged Liam down. He had only taken this miscreant's case to exact revenge on his enemies and knew him to be a truly unsavory character. But one thing that he certainly wanted him to avoid was doing any business with Frank Reynolds. This lowest of low con men. It could ruin everything.
"Mr. McPoyle! As your attorney, I would like to advise against making any future contact with Mr. Reynolds."
"That's enough advice from the help!" Liam brusquely dismissed the lawyer, much to his dismay, disappearing into his newly acquired office.
Within a matter of minutes, Frank was fixed up by Ryan and Margaret Mcpoyle to an extent that the short hairy man had never expected. The two had changed his soiled Depends, wiped him down from top to bottom with baby wipes, dressed his wounds, even applied baby powder, and a special cologne which made him smell of fresh milk. Frank had to admit, it was a lot more pleasant than anything he expected, considering who he was dealing with. It was a bit of a shock, seeing these two inbred savages work with such proficiency. He was beginning to suspect some trickery, particularly on the part of the younger sister, Margaret Mcpoyle, who seemed much keener of mind than she ever let on. Every time, he attempted to read the strange, wiry girl, she would notice him looking, and lick her lips, only to be reprimanded by her older brother, Ryan.
"No Margaret! This one's too old for you. It's gross." Ryan would scold. The girl would give her brother what appeared to be the McPoyle equivalent of puppy dog eyes; soulless, glassy, but clearly attempting for a sad and manipulative look. This lasted for about five seconds, which felt like an hour. Then she licked her lips again, like a lizard, apparently to the extreme arousal of her older brother, who pulled her in, to join lips with her, and exchange a passionate, milky kiss.
Frank watched in disgust and bewilderment, but he couldn't voice his discomfort and blow any shot he had at doing business. These were, after all, part of the new management. He had to blend in. Not that it would be a problem. They even provided him with a spare set of clothes in his size, in the style that the McPoyles preferred as a family. Vintage, it looked and felt like a left-over bit of wardrobe from the filming of one of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre movies. Regardless, he was fixed up. He felt fresh, even a little bit pampered by these bizarre creatures. He could only imagine what their ultimate design was. At the moment, he did not care about that. All that mattered to him was getting some semblance of his old life back.
He made his way to the office in what used to be Paddy's back room, followed closely by Ryan and Margaret. Sitting dead center of the room, in what used, to be Frank's revolving chair, sat Liam McPoyle. The defacto leader of this generation of McPoyles. His shaggy, sandy blond hair swept over the top of his forehead, framing his lightly stubbled, oval face. The flesh colored eye patch, with a drawn-on eye that had become Liam's signature, sat on his right eye. This was always off-putting to Frank, and he did all that he could, not to stare at this feature. His best attempts were mostly worthless and resulted in him staring more obviously. Liam noticed but decided to ignore.
"Now then, Mr. Reynolds, what can we do for each other?" Liam stated, in his usual, dismissive fashion.
"Look, I ain't asking for much here. I just want my old job back. Ok? I'll help you run the bar. You don't have to do much, and you get all of my experience and business know how." Frank stated.
"We McPoyles are perfectly capable of running a business, Franklin. We already own a chain of our own drive-through dairies across Philly for example, and we've cornered the local video rental market."
"You mean that dying field? Terrible business sense! You need a pro!" Frank piped in. Liam looked bored and annoyed at this point. His McPoyle entourage was beginning to eye Frank aggressively.
"Let's cut to the chase here, Franklin, so as not to waste either of our time. What do you have that I want?"
"Other than the fact that I've run numerous multimillion dollar companies successfully over the course of my life? What the hell could you be interested in?"
"I want your children, Frank! Sell me Dennis and Deandra!" Liam finally shouted, in his signature, insane style. Frank gave Liam a puzzled look.
"You want me to sell you my kids?" Frank said baffled. Liam flashed a strange, sinister smile, reflected by his two siblings, who were currently standing behind him.
"It's a very common practice in my family. In fact, I have hundreds of contracts already written up for such occasions. It's much more common than you think, Franklin." Liam smirked twistedly. He handed over a strange contract from across the table, which Frank began to look over. The document looked slightly yellow and appeared to have been written on an old typewriter, years before. At the bottom, he noticed that it was dated to 2007. It looked like the family had been sitting on this idea for a while now.
"Alright! Deal! You want Dee and Dennis, you can have 'em! Bang 'em! Make 'em bang each other! I don't give a shit. They're not even my kids!"
"And Charles too! His name's in the contract!" Liam insisted. Frank shook his head.
"Naw! You can't have Charlie…"
"Then the deal's off!" Liam shouted in a shrill voice. "This contract was written more than ten years ago. I'm not getting the Deandra and Dennis of back then! At this point, most of their best years are behind them! You have nothing to negotiate!" He continued to rant. Frank waved his hands in front of him, attempting to make peace.
"Alright, alright! You can have Charlie too! Jesus Christ!" Frank gave the contract one last look, and then signed his name and date at the bottom.
"Then we have a deal. Bump it." Liam Mcpoyle extended his fist. Frank shook his head, but reluctantly fist bumped the grotesque man.
"Welcome on board, Franklin. Your first job as general manager of McPoyle's Milk Bar… Bring me your children!" A thunderclap rang dramatically from outside as if cued by the very nature of this unholy alliance. Frank shuddered a bit, but now was not the time for regrets. He had managed to salvage his livelihood just by the skin of his teeth, and even then, only thanks to a bizarre and probably perverted fascination that this freakshow had with his kids. It made literally no sense to Frank, but he wasn't about to argue, or rescind. He had laid his last good hand on the table, and he refused to squander this opportunity. He would need help though.
"Alright. I'll get you, Dennis and Dee…"
"And Charles!"
"And Charlie. I'll get him too. But I'm not gonna' be able to do this on my own. I'll need help." Frank insisted. "Lemme' go over to the bridge on Fifth and Cedar. I gotta' meet a guy."
"Are you referring to Matthew? Because he works for me now." Liam stated without emotion.
"You got Cricket working for ya?"
"I am a river to my people, Franklin. Matthew should be down in the basement."
