A/N: is anyone else as bitter as I am about cas' death? no? just me? ok cool :)))))))))))

destiel if you squint, can be perceived as romantic or platonic

I would say enjoy but... this is kinda painful...


It was stupid of him to hope.

How many times has he ended up having to say that to himself?

Of course. This is how it has to be.

Just when he thinks he's taken one step forward, something happens and then he's two steps backwards again.

Things were... finally starting to look up. Things were making sense. Sure, the world wasn't perfect but... they were together. He had a family and he was... happy. Mary was back and ready to take on the role of their mother again, and Cas... Cas was...

Cas

Cas was just... Cas. There was no other way to describe him.

Dedicated to protecting them. What a dumbass, Dean thinks. He doesn't need to protect us.

That was just his nature. He protected people from a distance because he was too afraid to stay close. And look at where that had gotten him. Dead on the ground. No last words, no final act of heroism. Of course, it's not as though Dean ever imagined Castiel's death. That simply wasn't an option for him. Cas wasn't going to die, not as long as Dean Winchester was still breathing.

He chuckled dryly, bitterly. Look at how that had worked out.

The rational part of him is screaming for him to calm down, to try and understand. There's no way he could've known, he tells himself. He couldn't have saved Cas. Nobody could have. It happened so fast that there was no way humanly possible that anyone could've saved him.

But he was a Winchester. He didn't do "humanly possible". He found a way that everyone thought was impossible and made it possible.

He sinks to his knees, right beside his body. It fucks him up to think it, but he looks so peaceful like that. Maybe Cas would be happier dead, the rational part tells him.

But again, he was a Winchester. He didn't think about others' happiness. He can think of many times when Sam had wanted to die and he wouldn't allow it because he couldn't handle it. And so, he liked to think that Cas wasn't happy to be dead. That he was just waiting for his chance to live again.

And Dean Winchester would be damned if he didn't make that happen. He has no idea how he's gonna do it but he will.

With the last of his strength, he shakily manages to pull Cas' head onto his lap. "I'm sorry," he says, his voice hoarse and weak. "I'm so sorry, Cas."

He can imagine Castiel's exact response. "I apologize for causing you distress, Dean."

He never did get it, did he? Whenever Dean would snap at him, Castiel would automatically assume it was his fault, that the only thing he had done was cause Dean more pain.

Then again, maybe that was his fault too.

"There are so many things I wanted to tell you about... and for a while I thought that maybe we could... that we could reach a point where things would..." He stops himself, tears lining his eyes. "I thought that maybe things could calm down enough so that... we'd have just one night to be a family. Just one. But you didn't even get that. We didn't get that."

He looks at Castiel's expressionless, peaceful face and wishes he would say something. He knows he won't, but he can hope, right?

"There was just never enough time, was there?" he asks in a bittersweet tone, his tears falling freely down his cheeks now.

He sounds so defeated, he notes. Why is he giving up?

"I never give up on family, so I'll never give up on you," he tells him. "I'm gonna save you," he continues, his voice choked by an oncoming sob. "You've saved me so many times. Now, for once... let Sam and I save you. Alright?"

He almost expects Castiel to nod in response.

I'll be waiting, Dean.

He hears Sam's strangled yell from inside, and instantly he's on his feet, leaving Castiel to wait.