Disclaimer-Sadly for me, all I own here are Joe and the Faceless One.
D the Stampede presents
Book One of Joe the Wanderer: Nerima Mayhem
Chapter One-The Faceless One's Test
One
Joe awoke slowly to a bright light in his eyes. Cursing, he tried turning off of his back away from the light only to end up dunking his head unexpectedly. He sat up, sputtering, and finally realizing he wasn't in his bed, looked around. And found that he was in the Shrine of Resurrection. "I really have to lay off the Breath of the Wild for a while," he said at this realization, "Strange dream."
"Oh, Joseph, this isn't a dream," a strange male voice said in Joe's head.
"What the hell!" Joe exclaimed, "If not a dream, then what is it?"
"A test of survival," the voice said, "Anyway, exit the shrine and we'll talk further."
"Okay…" Joe said as the liquid drained out of the resurrection bed. Sitting on the edge of the platform it was in; Joe examined himself and realized three things. One, he was completely naked. Two, while still fairly thin, he now had the toned body of an athlete. And finally, the cave he was in was cold. That all established, Joe stood and headed for the door and the pedestal next to it. "Okay," Joe said while standing in front of the pedestal, "No Sheikah Slate. So, now what?"
"The pedestal functions as a palm-print reader," the voice replied, "Place your right hand on it."
"Okay," Joe said, doing so. The door then opened, revealing the cave's outer chamber. Similar to the game, it held two chests and a second pedestal and little else. Opening the nearest chest, Joe found it held his clothes, including underwear, jeans, a belt, a pair of tennis shoes and his favorite T-shirt featuring Deadpool on it. "If all my clothes are in the first chest, what's in the second?" he said while getting dressed.
"That is for you to find out," the voice said.
"Right," Joe said with a sigh. He then walked over to the other chest and opened it. Inside was a pair of knives in thigh sheaths. Taped to one of the knives was a note that read, "It's dangerous to go alone! Take these!" "What? Not a broadsword?" Joe asked.
"No, you, Joseph, are a knife-fighter," the voice replied.
Sighing again, Joe headed over to the pedestal to open the cave's outer door.
Two
"Awesome view of Hyrule straight ahead north, check. So, that means you should be down the path to the right," Joe said as he turned away from the cliff to find a path headed slightly downward that way and an old man camped a short walk down said path. So, he headed that way.
"Hello again, Joseph," the old man greeted in that now familiar voice as Joe walked up to his camp.
"We really going to do the mysterious old man bit?" Joe asked in reply, "You do know that's a bit played out."
Shrugging, the old man suddenly transformed into Joe's doppelganger. From his shaggy brown hair to his rather plain face and brown eyes and even his clothes, he was Joe's exact double. When he spoke next, his voice was Joe's, "Is this better, Joseph?"
"No, damn it, it's creepy," Joe was quickly to say, "Can't you transform into your true form or something?"
"My true form or something, Joseph?" his twin asked angrily, "I have no interest in showing you that, mortal. I am a god and though you stubbornly refuse to acknowledge this, I am the one in control here." Suddenly it felt like all of Joe's nerves were on fire and he collapsed on the spot. Though the haze of pain, Joe heard the other continue speaking, "I saved you from a fatal car crash, remade you and can unmake you as easy as snapping your fingers is to you!" Then, as suddenly as it began, the pain was gone.
"Fuck. This is real," Joe said as he picked himself up off the ground.
"Finally figure that out, did you?" the other asked with a chuckle.
"Yeah," Joe agreed, "Still have a lot of questions, though."
"Then ask," the other replied.
"Okay," Joe said, "Where are we really? Why me? Why don't I remember this crash you say happened? And you said you are a god?"
"And of course you ask the most irrelevant questions," the other replied with another laugh, "But I'll answer them anyway in the hope that we can move on to the relevant ones. First, this is Limbo. Second, there really is no why you were chosen. Third, your psyche obviously blocked out the memory. The human psyche is inconvenient that way. And yes, a god, Joseph. I am the god of chaos and trickery known as the Faceless One."
"You wouldn't get mad if I admitted to not hearing about you, right?" Joe asked.
"I would be surprised if you had, Joseph," the Faceless One replied, "I have been imprisoned here since before humanity's written history. However, we have gotten off track. Let us go back to discussing why you are here."
"You just said you didn't have a reason for that," Joe said.
"No, Joseph what I said was that I had no reason for choosing you over someone else," the Faceless One said, "As to why you are here, you are here to relieve my boredom."
"Relieve your boredom?" Joe repeated, "Maybe you clarify that a little?"
"Alright, Joseph, it is like this, the seals that bind me here have only recently begin to slip open. It is not very much, but it was enough for me to bring you here and enough to send you away again if you survive my test," the Faceless One said.
"Which is to explore the Great Plateau, find and complete the four shrines on it and meet you over at the ruins of the Temple of Time," Joe said.
"Summed up nicely, Joseph," the Faceless One said.
"Should I point out that this isn't a fair test? I don't know how to fight," Joe said.
"You think I bothered to give you weapons without the knowledge of how to use them? You are now a very capable fighter, both with those knives and in hand to hand combat," the Faceless One replied.
"You've been fucking around inside my head?" Joe exclaimed.
"Crudely put, but yes, I have altered you in mind as well as body. However, this conversation has served its purpose. Get a move on, Joseph," the Faceless One said while disappearing.
Three
Joe first headed towards the Temple of Time hoping to find a bow and some arrows as in Breath of the Wild. Like the game, there was a bokoblin waiting in the entrance to the temple. As he dodged the first two rather clumsy swings of the pig-faced creature's club, Joe drew his knives. During its third swing Joe lunged inward past the blow and slit the bokoblin's throat. However, what happened next caught Joe completely off-guard. Dropping its club, the bokoblin clutched at its throat before collapsing on top of Joe. "What the fucking hell?" Joe cursed as he got his feet underneath the bokoblin and kicked it off of him. Jumping to his feet, Joe couldn't help but look at the blood covering his shirt and pooling around his fallen foe.
"Whatever is the matter, Joseph?" the Faceless One asked in Joe's head, though thankfully not in Joe's voice.
"Why the hell is that bokoblin still here to bleed all over the place?" Joe asked back.
"Because this is no teen rated video game, it is really happening to you," the Faceless One said, "I thought you had already figured that out."
"Apparently not," Joe said with a sigh.
"You had better get it figured out; Joseph, or else you will not pass my test," the Faceless One replied coldly, "Now get moving. I will not tell you again."
"Right," Joe said as he carefully walked around the fallen bokoblin and went over to the nearby chest to claim a bow and a mostly empty quiver of arrows. That done, he left the Temple of Time to head northward to the first shrine.
Four
A few more encounters with bokoblins as well as a couple of bokoblin camps later, Joe arrived at the shrine. Placing his palm on the now familiar pedestal palm-reader, Joe watched as the door to the shrine opened. Then, stepping on the elevator platform, he proceeded to ride it down into the shrine. Once inside, he found himself in a square room which had only two features of note. The first was another palm reader and the second was an eight foot high wrought iron fence blocking him from entering the next room. Joe walked over to the palm reader and wondering what was next, placed his hand on it. And he received a shock when he started to glow with a bluish light. "What the hell?" he exclaimed.
"You have unlocked your ki is all, Joseph," the Faceless One stated with a chuckle.
"That's really a thing?" Joe asked in surprise.
"Another foolish question to be asking there, Joseph," the Faceless One said, "You will find that much you never believed in to be all too real."
"What the hell does that mean?" Joe asked in annoyance.
"That would be telling," the Faceless One said with another chuckle, "Anyway this is the first of four upgrades you shall receive during your shrine challenges. It is actually the basis of the others. You can use your ki to enhance your strength, speed, jump height and ability to endure blows."
"Well then, I better get this show on the road," Joe said, turning his attention inward and focusing on his ki.
"That would be wise, Joseph," the Faceless One said.
Once he had found his ki, Joe extinguished the glow that proved to be Ki leaking from his body. He then ran towards the fence and jumped over it. "Got to admit, that was pretty damn cool," Joe said as he landed on the other side. He then looked around the room and found his passage to the next blocked by a stone pillar. He examined the pillar more closely and noted, "Too thick to punch through, but it's not attached to the floor. I'm meant to shove it, right?" The Faceless One remained silent. Joe huffed in annoyance and started pushing. A few feet later, the pillar fell through a hole in the floor and Joe nearly went with it. "Fuck!" he shouted as he caught his balance, "What the hell was that about?"
"A warning about carelessness, Joseph," the Faceless One replied.
"Thanks for the damn heart attack," Joe said, jumping the hole in the floor and walking down the corridor. Once he reached the end of it, he examined the room in front of him and groaned. It was set up as a test of strength with cracked pillars scattered around the room and a hole in the center of the floor. Sighing, Joe stepped into the room. And had his suspicions immediately confirmed by the gate that slammed shut behind him and a platform rising in the room's center, revealing a robotic guardian scout. Joe rushed forward towards the machine zigzagging to dodge its laser attacks and drawing his knives as he did so. Next, dodging a slash from the guardian scout's laser sword, Joe attacked with his right hand knife, only for its blade to catch in the robot's armor and break off. The robot jumped back from Joe and prepared to do its whirling blades rushing attack. Sheathing his remaining knife, Joe prepared to run, shouting, "How the hell am I supposed to win?"
"I'm not going to tell you, Joseph," the Faceless One said as Joe ran from the robot's whirling blades and lured it into crashing into a pillar. That was when Joe noticed that the guardian's sword arm had been damaged by its crash into the pillar. So, before the robot could recover Joe rushed over the rubble, delivered a ki-enhanced kick to its sword arm and successfully broke the sword loose. Then, scooping the sword up off the floor, Joe stabbed the guardian in the eye. As the robot ceased moving, a shower of sparks burned the back of Joe's right hand before he could pull it out of the way.
"Fuck," he cursed as he stumbled away and fell on his ass.
"Well, Joseph, you won," the Faceless One said.
"Thanks, I wouldn't have guessed," was Joe's sarcastic reply as he examined his hand. It wasn't crippling or anything, but it would scar.
"Well, aren't you interested in your prizes? Hop to it," the Faceless One said.
Grumbling, Joe walked out of the room where he had battled the guardian scout to find a treasure chest in the next room. Opening said chest, he found; "Earrings?"
"And a tongue piercing as well." the Faceless One added.
"No thanks, I'm not into body piercing," Joe said.
"Ah, but they are magical. The earrings are you to understand all mortal languages and the tongue piercing to speak them." The Faceless One explained.
"I'm not going home, am I?" Joe asked, afraid of the answer.
"Now where would be the fun in that?" the Faceless replied with his own question, "Now claim your prizes already."
As Joe went to pick up them up the earrings and tongue ring disappeared. "What the hell?" he asked, feeling the cold steel of the tongue piercing scrape the back of his teeth. He then felt his ears with his hands to confirm that the small loops of the earrings were in his earlobes. Sighing, he left the shrine behind him.
Five
Much later, Joe returned to the Temple of Time ruins to find the Faceless One waiting there in a new guise. This time, he appeared to be a man of average height dressed in all black. The oddity came in the fact that his face was concealed in the shadows of his hoodie's hood, even though it was around noon and that should be impossible. "Well, Joseph, ready to go?" he asked.
"I'm half-dead from fighting the guardian stalker in the last shrine of your four shrines. What do you think?" Joe replied.
"Great! Look at your left wrist." The Faceless One replied.
Joe did so and found he was now wearing a watch. Only, instead of telling time, it was counting down. "What the hell is this thing?" he asked.
"Portal generator," the Faceless One said, "You are seconds away from traveling the realities."
"Yay me," Joe said without enthusiasm. Then, the countdown hit zero and a portal appeared in the Temple floor. Before Joe could comment further, the Faceless One shoved him through.
Six
Joe awoke to the sound of a heart monitor. Opening his eyes revealed little besides the already established fact that he was in a hospital room. Paging a nurse, he examined himself more closely and found that the back of his right hand was burned and the portal generator was strapped to his left wrist. "Damn it," he cursed weakly.
"Ah, our John Doe is awake," the nurse said in slightly accented English as she entered the room.
Looking her over and seeing she was Asian, likely Japanese, Joe agreed, "He is. And he's wondering where he is."
"Tokyo General Hospital," she replied, "Tendo-san told a truly odd story of how you ended up in his yard."
"Not as odd as my side of the story, trust me," Joe said, then noticing what she had said, added, "Not Soun Tendo?"
"The same," she agreed, "How do you know Tendo-san?"
"You wouldn't believe me," Joe said, "Can I get something to eat and drink, please?"
"Of course," she said, leaving the room.
After she had left, Joe quietly cursed like a sailor at the Faceless One until the god replied in his head, "Whatever is the matter, Joseph?"
"You know what," Joe whispered.
"You need not speak for me to hear you, Joseph," the Faceless One replied, "So ask your questions."
"When?" Joe asked silently.
"The spring of 1986, just before Akane starts high school and two weeks later, Ranma will arrive," the Faceless One said, "What, no other questions?"
"None you'd answer," Joe replied.
"You are learning," the Faceless One replied before Joe felt his presence disappear from his mind.
It was then that the nurse returned with food and a doctor. "Ah, looks like our mystery man is awake," the doctor said.
"Joseph Barton Junior," Joe supplied his name before adding, "That I am, doc. Anyway, it sounds like I'm the talk of your hospital."
"You are, Barton-san," the doctor agreed, "After all, according to Tendo-san, you fell out of a hole in the air over his koi pond and he fished you out before you drowned. Then there's the matter of your injuries, specifically your left side."
"Oh, that? Narrowly avoided being cut in two by a laser beam," Joe said.
"Interesting," the doctor said, "You do know no one has that technology?"
"Yeah, it's the stuff of fiction, right?" Joe agreed, "But then, so is a lot of things I've encountered recently. Hell, I'm just an American college kid. I was so not ready for this shit."
A/N
So begins the saga of Joe the wanderer again. Next time, we meet the Tendos and the Saotomes arrive at the Tendo dojo. Oh, and as you can see from the title, I've decided to divide Joe's adventures up into multiple stories.
