The 11 Year Toast

He left. Again. Of course, one could predict that by now, he never stays. He comes when help is needed. Though he always criticizes my way of doing things, it's nice to have another genetically engineered person around to talk to. I can't help but think what he's dong right now. Probably checking in on Jondy or Krit, or one of the others while here I am, sitting on my ass, on top of the Space Needle holding a glass of cheap champagne, as it's the 11 yr. anniversary of our escape, thinking about him. Zach. The un-pronounced leader of the 12 escapees, he and he alone knows the where about of all of us. I know a few but not all. And he keeps it that way. I wonder if the others even realize what tonight is. I know Lydecker does, but I don't give a shit about him. I hate him for it. He comes and I get my hopes up of him staying. I know how he thinks of me, or rather how he'd LIKE to think of me. As more than a responsibility or a sister. As a girl or women or whatever. As HIS girl. And sometimes, I would like to think of him the same way. But I can't. We can't. We can't have lives. I hate him for it. I guess its not really him I hate, it's Manticore. I hate Manticore, and not just for my childhood, though that adds to it, I hate them because they did such a good job on Zack, on the others. And me. That's the way they wanted it, they would rather us love each other than the enemy, who is anyone but us. You can't really trust anyone these days. Zack is so. loving. I know it wouldn't seem like that to anyone but his siblings, to anyone else he would be a bitter, self- centered fool. But to us, he's the big brother who cares more about us than him self, and he has proved it many times. He is tough and he hides his feelings, as a good soldier does. And that's what we are, soldiers. But soldiers are people also, right? His eyes are so pained and deep and caring. He has he cutest butt, and a gorgeous set of abs. Sometimes I just want to kiss him, and I don't know why I don't I guess I just don't want to admit my love for him. I probably never will tell him. We can't have personal lives, we are constantly on the run, and love would screw up our judgment and ability to complete the mission. Zack said something like that a while ago. Something about sentimental weaknesses or whatever. I know he's out there, some where, thinking of the others. or me. so Zack- Here's to the us that will never be.