It was raining again and Lexa hated it. Hated that she used to love it and hated how much it reminded her that her life was now uncontrollable. And when Anya had offered to stay the night with her she had felt so small and pathetic her first reaction was to tell her to fuck off. Good thing her sister knew what she meant and just took it, with a scuff and a bitter laugh. She didn't push it this time because she had been pushing her about everything all the time always since Lexa had moved to the city so, for once, she knew to just let it go. Only because she probably didn't know how bad it got.
If she had ever told Costia to fuck off, Costia would have told her to go fuck herself right back. And then she would've stayed regardless of Lexa's little outburst, though she probably would have slept in the other room. Lexa laughed at the thought.
But Costia was long gone now. And when Costia had been with her storms had never been a problem. All of that came years later.
To be fair, Lexa thought to herself, the problem wasn't the rain itself. It was the wind. The loud noises, the windows shaking. It made her feel like she wasn't alone that night and she hated it. She wanted to feel alone, to be left alone in the comfort of her own apartment. But the noises were now a presence of its own in her room and she couldn't stop shaking. Actually shaking. And sweating, she noticed. Her shirt was starting to feel wet and cold and the touch of the bed sheets against her skins suddenly felt so very wrong. Like they were holding her back trapping her. Like she couldn't move at her own free will. She got out of bed with a jump and almost screamed when her own two feet hit the floor, unexpectedly loud and hard. Pathetic, she thought to herself. She walked fast to the bathroom with her eyes half closed, and even though she told herself she didn't need to turn on the lights at all, she still did. It was a reflex by now. Her nightly routine. Turn on the lights, check behind the shower curtains, make sure the bathroom window is locked. She tried to avoid herself in the mirror but couldn't. She looked terrified. Was she really that scared? She was pale as a ghost and her shirt was clinging to her chest, ridden with a cold sweat that was making her shake even more. This is no living, she thought for a second. And then willed herself to not go down that path again, as she did every night, and just get to bed.
Usually she only took one sleeping pill, but it wasn't doing it. She took another and lay on the bed and waited. Waited for the noises to be drowned out by the magical effects of Ambien. She liked sleeping pills because they actually stopped your brain from working and prevented you from dreaming. They were like taking a hit to the head. One minute you were thinking about how you set the alarm for 6.30 am and it's now 2 am so you'll only get four and a half hours of sleep and how shitty it felt to be getting out of bed every day just to be seen in public living your life so people would remind you that you are, in fact, still living. And then suddenly, it all goes to black and you wake up the next morning as if nights didn't even exist in your life. You almost forget that five hours ago you were crying because of nothing more than a little storm outside that had made you as afraid of dying as you had been that one unspeakable night two years ago.
Some days, Lexa wished she had finished college. She knows that would have been impossible after Costia's death left her bed ridden for months. But now, specially today, after getting almost no sleep the night before and with the rain that just kept coming and coming down on her and the 6.30 am alarm, Lexa wishes she had. She was going to be a lawyer, just like Anya. That's what she had told her mom when she was eleven right after saying good bye to Anya as she drove off to college for the first time. They had grown up in a very, very small town called Bullmar, a couple of hours from New York and for Luna, their mother, seeing her baby going out into the world to try and make it in the city was everything she ever wanted. And when Lexa said she wanted to follow the same path, Luna never let her forget it. Lexa said she was going to go to law school, graduate and go work wherever Anya was working too. And they would get an apartment together in the city and visit their mom every weekend, as Anya had promised her before she left.
But none of that happened.
Lexa and Anya were very different, to say the least. Anya had never been afraid of anything in her entire life. Not that Lexa noticed, anyway. Ever since she was a child, she was never afraid to speak her mind. Never afraid to disagree or push people into getting her way. Lexa always chose silence, instead. Not because she was afraid, but because she was terribly hot-headed and had learned to pick her battles. Silence was her best defense. Being perceived as aloof was maybe the only trait her and Anya shared, but neither of them actually were. Anya was incredibly passionate about her ambitions, no matter what they were. She wanted things so much and with such hunger it made Lexa feel inadequate. Like somehow, she wasn't living life like she was supposed to. Lexa wasn't one to easily show enthusiasm, always afraid of being disappointed in the end. It wasn't that she was a pessimist; she was a realist. She set achievable goals for herself and pursued them quietly, without ever boasting about her achievements, even though she was a straight A student. She didn't see the point in boasting. While Anya was strong, determined and arrogant (in a cocky sort of playful way) Lexa was just as determined as her, but never really liked the attention. She never knew what to do with it. Dealing with people wasn't her thing. Growing up, she played with Anya's friends until they were too old to want to hang out with her, and through-out high school she just minded her own business. There were a couple of people in all her different classes she would greet and maybe make small talk with during recess, but she didn't go out with any of them on the weekends. She liked staying home and watching movies. She liked reading and just being lazy. But mostly, she liked not having to make an effort to socialize. It was easier to tell herself she didn't want friends or a girlfriend than it was to actually try and live a normal life and embarrass herself later. She told herself she didn't want any of that so many times, she ended up believing it and making peace with it.
Until she met Costia.
Costia was a political science major and they shared Intro to Political Science during her first semester in law school. She had wild dark hair, freckles all over her face, deep blue eyes shaped like almonds and she reminded Lexa of a lion. Elegant, but fierce; imposing and always about to attack if pushed. She terrified Lexa so much it made Costia laugh every time she'd go up to talk to her because Lexa would freeze and stutter and avoid eye contact at all cost. Costia always had a fiery laugh at her expense and that scared Lexa even more, but the girl made so many efforts to include her in group debates and study sessions that Lexa eventually decided Costia was just a soft little kitten with a big personality who probably sharpened her claws every day, just in case. One day, when she was grumpier than usual, she asked Costia why she kept talking to her. "Because you're cute", the girl had said, and Lexa had dropped her books at her feet as Costia walked away amused.
During their first months of dating, Lexa told Costia she wasn't one for parties or big groups of people or loud music. Costia yawned dramatically at her excuses. She could see right through her. The first time Costia made her go to a party with her, Lexa got a bit drunk and ended up talking about gender-politics with a bunch of anthropology majors and exchanging phone numbers with some them. They genuinely liked her, it seemed, and it scared Lexa to the bone. They had her number, now what? How was she going keep them entertained? They would eventually realize she's not as interesting or as talkative as vodka makes her out to be. She needed to leave before more people wanted to meet her or talk to her or look at her. She had to leave before anyone else noticed she existed. She was so overtaken by anxiety all of a sudden that she left the party, forgetting all about Costia. Twenty minutes later, Costia showed up at her door, arms crossed, demanding an explanation. Lexa yelled at her for ten minutes straight about how she wasn't going to change who she was for her, saying it was wrong of her to force her to go out in the first place. And Costia let her. She heard everything Lexa said, looking her straight in the eyes and without interrupting. And when Lexa stopped, Costia was still looking at her. Her eyes still demanding an explanation. "Are you done?" she had asked rhetorically.
Costia appeared annoyed, but maybe also a little amused. Lexa laughed, making Costia break character and then they both just laughed at the stupidity of the situation. Lexa moved aside to let Costia into her dorm.
"Why can't you just let yourself be happy, sometimes? You were having a good time. I saw you." Costia said, leaning against the wall.
She had been having a good time, Lexa couldn't deny it.
"I don't know how to do this"
"What?"
Lexa sighs, turning her back to her and mindlessly going to grab a glass from the kitchen counter before filling it with water to avoid eye contact.
"Be…out there. In the world. People…fuck, they just-"
"What?" Costia insists. Lexa can tell she's not going to get away with avoiding the main issue for much longer.
"Expect things! and I'm not here to please them." Lexa knows she's getting defensive, but she can't help it. She hides under an exasperated tone.
"No, you're not."
"So what do I do then?"
"Who the fuck cares about what people expect? I didn't take you out tonight to be my trophy-wife, I took you there so youwould have a good time. I knew you'd hit it off with some of the people there. And you did. So what's the problem?"
"There is no problem. There isn't. I'm just…me." And with that, Lexa feels so vulnerable her hand shakes a little as she takes a sip of water. She quickly scans Costia's face and notices her anger has melted away a bit.
"People liked you. I like you."
"You do?" Lexa asks, like a scared little kid. This time, she holds Costia's gaze, searching for any sign of dishonesty.
"Not right now." Lexa laughs and Costia joins her. It tugs at her heart that Costia would try to lighten the mood, knowing she doesn't like feeling so exposed. "But most of the time, yeah. I really like you." She pauses, now taking a serious stance. "And other people would like you too if you just let yourself be. No one expects anything from you other than what you have to give. I'm just asking you to make an effort."
Lexa knows. She knows what's being asked of her, but she doesn't want to admit that she does.
"It's not for me, you know? It's for you. You're miserable." The word miserable feels like a punch to the gut. Because it's true.
"I'm not! How can you say that? Are we not…happy?" Lexa inquires. She wanted to sound mad, but she just sounded so unsure that it made her want to go hide in the bathroom.
"Yes, but the world is not just you and me. You need to call your sister more. And you need other people to talk to."
"But I like talking to you" Costia laughs at that because her girlfriend's deflecting and it's so painfully obvious. Lexa just smiles because she can't help herself. It scares her that Costia knows her so well, but in that moment it feels comforting, knowing she can't lie. Because she doesn't want to, but she's her and Costia won't put up with it.
"Are you five? Come on. You know this life style is not healthy. You know."
Lexa nods because she can't talk. She does know and she's embarrassed now.
"Not everyone's going to make this much effort to get close to you. Not everyone's me." Lexa leaves the glass on the counter and slowly approaches her girlfriend, hesitant. Costia's still leaning on the wall, her face unreadable. Lexa gets close enough to start toying with the hem of her shirt with her hands.
"No, because you're special." That does it. Costia smiles and shyly takes Lexa's hands in hers. Lexa almost shudders, concentrating on how right it feels to be touched at that very moment; her eyes fixed on their tangled hands.
"Damn right. So appreciate me, you bitch." Lexa lets out a roaring laugh and grabs her by the waist before pressing her lips to Costia. It was supposed to be passionate, or at least it started that way, but it ends up being a slow and careful and so, so uplifting Lexa wants to cry. But she doesn't. She just keeps her hands on her girlfriend's waist and pressed up against her, needing her as close as possible.
"I do. Appreciate you. And what you're trying to do. You're right, I'm and idiot. I just worry a lot."
"Too much" Costia corrects.
"Too much" She agrees. "But I'm done."
Costia gives her a look.
"I am! I'll…call some of those people I met tonight. And I'm going with you to that stupid frat party next week, if you still want me to." Lexa pretends to be annoyed. She's tired and she doesn't want any more serious talk. Lucky for her, Costia finds it cute.
"And?" She presses.
"...And I'll call my sister. God, you're relentless".
"I'm relentless about you being happy, you stupid idiot" The blue-eyed girl grabs Lexa's face and presses a hard kiss on her plump lips.
"Thanks for not letting me get away with being an idiot. I'm sorry I left you at that party" She presses her forehead against Costia's and bumps their noses.
"It's OK. It's still early. You can make it up to me."
Lexa's confused at first but then Costia's taking off her shirt, dropping it on the floor and making her way to Lexa's room without even checking to see if her girlfriend's following her because of course she is.
"Yes ma'am" Lexa says, before forcing herself not to run after the girl.
After her first year of college, Lexa's goals in life were slightly different than they were when she was eleven. She was going to finish law school, get an internship and immediately start saving money for an apartment so she could move in with Costia. They were going to live together in a crappy apartment for a couple of years until they had enough money for a wedding, maybe a small gathering on a beach somewhere. Luna was going to cry like she always did at family reunions and Costia's mom was probably going to offer her the wedding dress she wore at her own wedding, even though Costia was five sizes too thin for it. Later, they would get a house outside the city and get a dog. And a cat. And like five kids, Costia had said. Lexa only wanted one, maybe two if the first one was well-behaved like her and not a trouble-maker like Costia. They finally settled on three, but that didn't matter, because the details of their soon to be future were constantly changing as time went on and they fell more and more in love. The one thing that never changed was the end resolution for it all: "We're going to be happy, Lexa." - "I know", she'd answered. She did know. She could feel it in her bones.
But none of that happened.
Instead, in her second year of law school, Costia got in a car accident and never made it to one of their study sessions in Lexa's dorm. Lexa was so mad at her for not answering any of her texts and calls that she turned off her phone, because Costia always gave her shit for being unreachable and it wasn't fair that she was acting this way right before Lexa's big exam. So Lexa spent the whole night with her face in the books, pretending she wasn't worried. Pretending she was really studying. But she wasn't. And she didn't sleep, and she didn't remember anything she had read and she failed her exam. And it was all Costia's fault. Because she promised she'd be there even though Lexa knew she hated pulling all-nighters and even more so, she hated missing a party and she had a birthday that night. But she had promised Lexa she'd be there and Lexa counted on her like she only counted on Anya and her mom.
Costia's death didn't hit her straightaway. She cried a bit when she got the phone call, she went to the funeral, she took a couple of weeks off from school and then she was fine. She got up every morning to go to her classes, she ate lunch by herself in the cafeteria, she studied in the library and then she went to her room and slept like a baby. Everything was fine. Everything would be fine if she just stuck to her every day routine, she had thought. But suddenly she found herself not eating lunch anymore. Or dinner. Or breakfast, even though she was never one for breakfast but when you're not eating at all, you might as well put something in your stomach before starting the day so you won't pass out. But she never did. She was tired all the time and being sleepy made her drowsy. Her thoughts were foggy and she couldn't concentrate. She'd sit in all her classes staring through the window, thinking. And when people asked her what she was thinking about, she always said nothing, because it was the truth. She wasn't thinking about how she felt alienated from her own body or how her stomach had been in knots for weeks. She wasn't thinking about Costia's tooth brush which she'd left at her apartment for when she stayed over and how she had had to throw it away one morning. She wasn't thinking about how she didn't really feel like she fit in the world without her girlfriend or about how none of her alleged friends talked to her anymore now that Costia was gone. She wasn't thinking about the life she didn't have anymore or about how she didn't really have a life anymore. She thought about nothing at all during the day, anxiously waiting for night to come so she could sleep and just not think at all.
Three months after Costia's death, Anya got a call. It was 2 PM on a Wednesday and Lexa asked her to come to her dorm. She didn't even say hello, just a gentle "Could you come to my dorm, please?". As if Anya hadn't been trying to reach her since Costia passed away only to have all of her calls and texts and emails ignored. As if Lexa hadn't stood her up for lunch week after week ever since the funeral.
Anya had just started a job at a law firm forty minutes away from Lexa's school at the time, and even though she didn't have the energy or the time or her boss's permission to go, she went. She said it was a family emergency, even though Lexa sounded perfectly fine on the phone. That's how Anya knew something was wrong. Lexa never sounded fine when she was fine. She was always a bit grumpy, or sarcastic or just quiet.
Anya knocked on Lexa's door before realizing it was open. She let herself in and Lexa called her from the bathroom as soon as she heard her. No questions were asked until Anya saw her, sitting naked under the shower, water still running. The water was cold and Lexa was holding something in her hands and trying to show it to Anya, like she couldn't speak. Anya didn't know what to concentrate on first, so she turned off the water, took the towel that was on the bathroom rag and wrapped Lexa in it before finally looking at what Lexa had been trying to show her. She was holding a big chunk of hair. Her own hair. Apparently, from what Anya gathered, she had ripped out, one by one, a big chunk of her hair. And there was a small but noticeable bald spot on the crown of her head. Anya tried not to look shocked, but failed. She wanted to ask things, but she didn't know what exactly. She wanted to ask how it happened and when it started. She wanted to ask Lexa what to do, because she sure as hell didn't know how to proceed. But all she could do was hold her as Lexa said she was sorry a thousand times and Anya promised her again and again that they were going to do something about it. She just didn't know what yet.
Lexa quit school that week and Anya took her back home to Luna. Their mom said she'd take care of it and convinced Anya to go back to her busy life in New York. She would handle it. Anya decided to believe her and, reluctantly, she left, but called Luna at least once a day to ask about Lexa and sent money for groceries that Luna always ended up sending back to her.
Her mom tried. Lexa can't say she didn't. Luna pampered her, took her shopping, tried to get some of her old high school classmates to take her out. She offered therapy but Lexa refused. She offered her money to go on a trip somewhere, but Lexa refused. Luna offered her everything and Lexa refused. She didn't want anything anyone could give her. She wanted to crawl in the hole Costia's death had left in her heart and die in it.
During college, Lexa had started smoking and had quit multiple times through out her two-year relationship with Costia, but eventually she took it up again. One night, walking back to the house from the supermarket, she dropped her cigarette on the street and when she went back to get it a car almost hit her.
She froze in front of the trucks blinding lights and thought: I'm alive.
Time froze, and she thought about how she almost died but she didn't. How she was still alive and Costia wasn't and how that wasn't going to change, ever. And out of nowhere, a bone-chilling thought agitated her: This pain's going to be endless if I let it.
Lexa doesn't really remember what happened after that. She remembers her first instinct was to run to her room and hide under the bed forever. She remembers the guy from the truck yelling at her, and that maybe he got out of the truck and tried to chase her, but he couldn't catch her. She remembered feeling like the ground was shaking under her feet, about to open and swallow her whole. She remembers knowing that if she had stopped running, she would have crumbled under the crushing anguish that spread through her chest, almost too big to be held in her small body. She remembers her heart was racing and about to explode under the weight of it all. And she remembers running and running knowing she didn't have long before her body would give out. And when she finally got home, she ran right past her mom watering the plants in the front yard and upstairs towards her room. Luna ran after her and found Lexa crying under the blankets of her bed. She jumped on the bed next to her daughter and hugged her from the back, Lexa still hiding beneath the bed spread.
Lexa cried for Costia as if she had just heard about the accident. She cried for her father, whom she didn't remember anymore. She cried for quitting school and not being better at handling her life. For having a heart that wouldn't stay quiet and demanded attention.
She had always pried herself in being more cerebral than most, but it wasn't true. She had never been in control of herself or her emotions, but she had to pretend or otherwise she'd drown in them. And that night, she finally let herself sink to the bottom of the ocean that were the secrets held in her heart for so long. She bawled her eyes out and screamed and kicked 'till she eventually made herself sick and Luna had to drag her to the bathroom, but because she refused to eat there was nothing to me emptied in her stomach. After what seemed like hours, Lexa calmed down and they both fell asleep in her bed. Luna whispered "I love you" to her daughter, still trembling in her arms. And for the first time in months, Lexa smiled as she whispered "I know". Luna let herself feel a little bit of relief that night.
It was the same way for months. Lexa barely slept, was forced-fed by Luna and she cried all day 'till one day, she couldn't find a reason to cry anymore. Eventually, she started helping around the house. Mostly because she felt guilty for having her mom take care of her like a baby for so long, and also because she knew her mom had a lot of expenses now that she was back home and Lexa wasn't even chipping in. Not that Luna would ever complain, but Lexa wanted a part of her independence back. She needed it. She offered to go to the supermarket whenever she could. She fixed a couple of things around the house, given that she was the only one in the family who was actually useful with a tool belt. She even let Luna teach her about the plants and flowers she was growing in her garden, while she had her daily cigarette in the afternoon. She'd put on a coat, sit on the stairs of the house and without even asking, Luna would start talking to her about whichever flower she was paying attention to at the moment. She started teaching Lexa how to care for them, and she spoke with such love for them, ultimately Lexa started helping her out. One afternoon, Lexa found herself in the garden all by herself, doing what Luna usually did. Some times Luna would just watch her from the kitchen window pretending to be busy doing something else and smiled at her. Other times, she did it when she was all by herself in the house. It calmed her to care of another living being. To feel like she was capable of that now. She knew they were just plants, but it felt like a step forward.
And six months later, on a lazy autumn afternoon, as she took the first drag of her daily cigarette and unrolled the garden hose, she felt it. Peace. She had this covered, she thought. She was starting to feel alive again and it wasn't as scary anymore. It was almost exciting. Almost. Maybe she could get a part-time job to start saving some money. She had already been offered a job in the town's supermarket as a cashier by Ms. Solum, who used to be her math's teacher in pre-school. No one in town really knew why she was back and, strangely, they had all been polite enough not to ask her. But she had a feeling Luna had had something to do with it. At least no one pitied her, if they knew. And after being back so long, no one stared at her anymore as if she didn't belong there. Everyone was nice enough to greet her when they saw her walking down the street but also nice enough not to approach her to ask her anything. Which was out of place for such a small town, but she didn't question it.
Yeah, she could start chipping in on the rent and groceries while putting the rest of her money in the bank. Maybe she could check out some other career options, or she could go back to law school in time. A different school. She could move out again and start over. It felt possible, now that remembering Costia didn't hurt so much. Costia would want her to get back on her feet. Hell, she wouldn't have let her quit school the first time around, but she would be proud that she was even considering taking back control of her life. She let herself be comforted by the endless possibilities the future held for her. She was almost in control again. Everything was going to be fine, soon enough.
But, once again, none of that happened.
"You didn't sleep." Anya states the minute she walks into their office.
Lexa has been working as her assistant for a couple of months now at Anya's insistence. Lexa wanted a job, any job, but Anya wanted to keep an eye on her and really, she could do worst. It was a stable job with a decent salary. And it was either agreeing to work for Anya or agreeing to move in with her, because the girl wouldn't let her be on her own in the city after everything that happened.
"I did. What time's your meeting?"
"You know lying is just gonna make me ask more questions."
"I'm not lying, I slept. It's fine" Anya's already opening her mouth to ask another question when Lexa's temper gets the better of her. "It's too early for this bullshit, Anya. Please". It comes out harsher than she intended and as soon as the words are out of her mouth she regrets them. Anya worries; she knows. But she's so insistent and it's so, so early. However, Anya doesn't seem affected by her sudden outburst.
"Then why do you look like shit?"
Lexa goes to drop her pursue on her desk and starts going through the files accumulated on it to keep herself busy.
"Thanks for the compliment. Love hearing that first thing in the morning".
Anya leans on her desk next to her, getting up in her personal space, letting her sister know she's not backing down. She never does, Lexa thinks.
"I forgot to take my sleeping pill until late so I'm still a bit tired, that's all."
"You're still taking those?" Anya asks after an awkward pause, unable to hold back her concern.
You still need them to function like a normal person?Is what Lexa hears.
"Really?" The are you really going to judge megoes implied.
"I'm not judging, geez. I just…didn't know". Anya holds her hands up, trying not to get Lexa riled up again. Lexa huffs and goes to sit at her desk chair, turning the computer on. She's done talking for the morning, and maybe for the rest of the day.
"Do they help?"
Lexa wants to fire back Why do you think I take thembut one look at Anya, sitting on her desk, shoulders slumped, hands on her lap and tender eyes and Lexa knows she's not being pushy. She's being open and honest and walking around egg shells because she knows Lexa can't go through a single conversation with a human being without either getting worked up or staying completely silent since it all happened and god, it most be frustrating to deal with her on a daily basis.
"They do. I'm hoping to get off them in a couple of months, maybe." Anya nods, her mouth hinting at a thankful smile. She wasn't expecting her sister to answer her at all. And they both know Anya wants to asks more questions, but Anya can feel she's reached the limit on that topic.
"Good. You should drink some coffee before you start sorting through those files though." Before Lexa can argue, Anya cuts her off. "I know you slept fine. I know. I'm happy for you. Congratulations, really. But if you took your sleeping pills late last night then you're going to be tired all morning and I want you to help me draw up some contracts after the meeting, so I need you sharp as a knife."
Anya hands her some money and Lexa just takes it because she knows there's no point in arguing. And even though she hates coffee, she really could use a pick-me-up. She gets up to leave the office when Anya grabs her wrist.
"Dante's retirement party is tonight". Lexa looks at her, expecting further explanation. "Everyone at the firm's gonna be there, I can drop you off at your place afterwards if you want".
Oh, this again, Lexa thought.
"I can't."
"Can't or won't?"
"Both."
Lexa gets her coat from the desk chair while looking at Anya with disbelief. "You know I can't go to parties, Anya. It's too-"
"I'll be by your side the whole time. Just for a few hours so you can meet some of the younger people working here on the other floors…"
"No". It sounds finale, and Lexa's sorry for shutting down her sister's idea so abruptly. "It'll be too tempting and I have one of my meetings tonight, you know that. I'm not just gonna go partying afterwards. I can't."
"Lex"
"I don't want to!" Her own anger makes her jump. It was unexpected for the both of them. Before Anya apologizes, Lexa interferes. "I'm not ready, OK? I'm doing fine by myself. I just want to go to my stupid meeting and then go to back to my stupid apartment to watch some stupid TV and then take my stupid pills so I can sleep."
"It's not healthy"
"It's my routine. I need it". Lexa starts buttoning up her coat, eyes fixed on the floor. "I really need it, Anya. For now"
"OK. I'll keep trying to make you go to all the office parties though. You know that, right?"
"I know, I've asked you to stop and you haven't so, yeah." Anya laughs. "I know" Lexa finishes. She's smiles at her, grateful, and Anya lets it go, giving Lexa's hand an encouraging squeeze before she leaves for the office cafeteria.
Lexa goes up to the counter and thoughtlessly nods to the barista. It's a young blonde girl named Clarke. She knows this because every time she goes to buy coffee she avoids talking to her by focusing her eyes on the little name tag on her shirt. At first, she'd robotically ask for an espresso, Anya's morning order, and just put the money on the counter before taking the coffee and leaving without even a thank you. But now, after months of ordering the same thing every day, she just walks up to the girl, acknowledges her with a small nod and Clarke just hands her an espresso in silence. Sometimes she feels the cute girl's eyes on her, maybe waiting for a hello or a good morning or a thanks for not making me tell you my order every morning because I don't know how to socialize and I feel like you get it . But Lexa pretends she doesn't notice the girl staring at her because she doesn't know how to socialize and maybe the cute girl doesn't get it.
Lexa's brought out of her thoughts by the sound of a coffee cup being placed in front of her. It's an espresso. Lexa hates espressos. She's about to pay and just take the coffee with her and throw it in the trash on her way out, but she has been yawning all morning and really does need some caffeine in her.
"Sorry, did I order this?" Lexa asks. She thinks it sounded rude, but Clarke seems taken back just by hearing her voice more than anything else.
"Oh, no, but…It's what you usually get, right? I'm sorry-" The blonde takes the espresso and curses under her breath. Lexa feels sorry for her, it's not her fault she didn't speak up sooner.
"No it's fine…"
"I didn't ask, I'm sorry." Clarke's getting more and more nervous every time the curly haired girl speaks up. Her voice is so soft, though. If it weren't because she never talks, Clarke wouldn't be nervous at all. And she might even notice the sympathy in her clear green eyes.
"It's fine. I'll take it." Lexa smiles kindly, as she starts digging the money out of her pocket and dismissing Clarke's apprehension.
"No, no. I should've asked. I'll just throw this one out."
Clarke takes the cup and throws it in the garbage can behind her.
"Won't you get in trouble for it?" Lexa asks. Why is she still talking to this girl? She just wants to leave and hide in her office behind her big computer screen. She wants to let the subject die, but Clarke's still on edge and it makes her uncomfortable because it's her fault.
"I'll pay for it, no big deal. It was my mistake. Sorry." Clarke smiles at her, letting her know it's all good.
"Don't worry. I'll just have a cappuccino, then. Please."
"Sure thing." The blonde's smiling broadly at her and Lexa's almost proud of herself because she made someone smile and she can't remember when was the last time that happened. She smiles back timidly.
A compelling silence falls upon them. Clarke's back is turned, pressing the buttons on the coffee machine behind the counter and waiting for a new cup to fill, when Lexa speaks up again, unexpectedly.
"That's Anya's order." Clarke looks at her over her shoulder, surprised. "My sister's order. She's my boss and I come here every morning to get her coffee, that's why-"
"Right, right." Clarke cuts her off because Lexa's sort of rambling and it's cute, but she knows it's hard for the exceptionally shy girl. "And this one's for you?"
"Yeah. I don't usually drink coffee."
"How do you function during the day?" She feigns shock.
"I annoy Anya as much as I can. That helps."
Clarke laughs with easiness. Lexa made a joke and a pretty girl laughed. She didn't even realize she was being funny and Clarke's smile reaches her eyes and it's captivating, but it's also making her want to leave because she hasn't spoken this much to anyone other than Anya in a long time and she'll end up embarrassing herself in front of the girl soon enough, she figures.
"Here you go."
"Thanks."
Lexa takes the cappuccino and hands Clarke double the money.
"It's only $3.70." Says the blonde, perplexed.
"I'll pay for both drinks, you shouldn't have to pay for a silly mistake. I do order the same thing every day."
"I can't-"
"It's Anya's money. Please. Take it. It'll annoy her." Lexa dismisses whatever argument Clarke was going to voice with a wave of a hand.
Clarke considers it for a second, uncertain. "Guess we gotta keep you functioning for the rest of the day, huh?"
Clarke's voice is deep and throaty, Lexa notices. And she's got a cocky smile. Lexa laughs. "This will definitely help."
Lexa takes the coffee and nods, before concentrating on walking out of there as fast as she can without actually running like she wants to do.
"Hey Lexa, I'll slip you a cherry pie next time." Clarke calls out after her. Lexa stops in her tracks.
"How do you know my name?"
"I asked you the first time you came here." And then, "Do you like cherry pies? No one ever orders them and they cost the same as an espresso." Lexa's looking at her like she's speaking in a foreign language. Clarke can't help but smile at how caught up the girl seems to get in her own thoughts. "For the extra money you gave me. I owe you a cherry pie or something. Do you like them?"
"Yeah, yeah. I like them." She answers slowly, still unsure.
"I'll slip you one next time when my boss's not looking."
"OK then. If you remember, I guess…" Clarke can tell Lexa doesn't wanna put her out.
"I'll remember." Hoping the girl gets that it's no problem and that she'll remember her and this conversation, because Lexa doesn't ever speak to anyone and it's been a long time since Clarke's met anyone new, if this can even be considered as "meeting" someone.
Lexa blushes, nods and leaves. And Clarke goes back to her daily routine.
Lexa fought her way through the crowded streets as the rain kept coming and coming upon her. There were no cabs around and she was seriously considering just not going. She could walk to her apartment instead and take a hot shower, change her clothes and maybe even eat something, if she felt like it. She could go another night not having to talk to anyone, if she wished. She didn't haveto go. She didn't. No one was forcing her, so why not just go home? It's just one meeting. She wouldn't die without it. Anya would kick her ass if she ever found out, but she didn't have to find out.
And before she could turn right instead of left on the next street and go home, a car pulls up next to her. Lexa doesn't notice until the driver rolls the window down. It's the blonde girl from the cafeteria.
"Hi." Lexa says monotonously. She's not in the mood to talk and she's already leaving when Clarke calls out to her.
"What are you doing? Get in." Clarke's yelling because New York's loud and the rain's hitting the ground so hard it's even more difficult to hold a conversation than usual.
"Oh no, it's OK." Lexa tries to leave again, not paying attention to the girl.
"You're soaking from head to toes. Get in." Clarke's not insisting, she's just…smiling. Softly.
"No-"
"Do you have a death wish or something? You'll get bronchitis." Clarke can't help but laugh at Lexa's stubbornness. She looks like a trapped animal. Scared to talk to Clarke and scared to go.
"I-" Lexa's going to decline the offer, Clarke can tell. But then she smiles too "I don't even know what that is. Bronchitis?" Lexa asks, now fully facing the blonde. She's not thinking of leaving anymore.
"Its bad. You don't want it. Trust me, I used to be a nurse." Clarke laughs again, trying to ease the girl into the idea. "Get in." She pushes, slightly. Lexa's about to turn around, and she kind of does, but then she turns back around and runs to the passenger's door before getting in. Clarke lets out an actual laugh, but Lexa doesn't notice before getting in. She's dripping water all over the carpet and the leather seats, but Clarke doesn't mind.
"Hi" Clarke greets her, amused.
"I'm messing up your car seat." The brunette puts on her seat belt and squirms in the seat, as if that'll help keep her wet coat from ruining the seats.
"Don't worry about it."
Clarke's starts driving again, looking straight ahead. Lexa's scanning her face, trying to read if she really doesn't mind.
"I'm sorry." Starts Lexa. They aren't talking and she felt awkward about it all.
"For what?"
She's apologizing for existing in Clarke's life and making her feel like she had to stop her car to drive her. But she can't say that, so she just shrugs. Clarke chuckles. "You apologize a lot."
That comment sparks Lexa's interested. How would she know? – Clarke can tell that sounded a bit creepy considering they never really talk or see each other at work.
"I've noticed." She admits bravely. Lexa seems to let it go with ease.
"Sorry."
Clarke chuckles again and notices Lexa wasn't making a joke, she was truly apologizing. Again. And that makes her laugh even more. Lexa realizes what she just did and lets out a laugh under her breath, feeling a bit self-conscious.
"I'm just going a few blocks from here. I didn't mind walking." Clarke looks at her. "I mean, thanks, but-"
"I'm going just a few blocks from here too, I don't mind. I couldn't leave you to die out there."
"That's a bit dramatic."
"Well, I AM and artiste." The blonde jokes.
"Really?"
"I'm trying to be." She shrugs. She doesn't know why she brought it up at all.
"That's…really cool. I'm-I mean I'm an assistant right now, but I wanted to be a lawyer." Lexa felt like she had to share something too and it reminded her of her meetings, for some reason. Only this felt safer and almost entertaining. Almost.
"And you don't want to be one anymore?"
"I do." The it's complicatedgoes unsaid and Clarke catches it. Lexa shrugs it off like it's not important. "Maybe someday." Lexa looks out the window disheartened by her admission. Clarke feels drawn to do something about it immediately.
"I'm not really and artist. I want to be. I'm trying to get an exhibition going, but…it's not going great." She admits a bit disheartened too. Lexa looks calmer now, and Clarke smiles, as if saying we're both OK.
"You'll get it." Lexa doesn't meet her eyes, focusing on the buttons of her coat instead. Clarke's touched that this stranger has more faith in her than her own mother.
"Thanks."
Between the rain and the cars and the people, Lexa hadn't notice and old Kenny Rogers song was playing on the radio. And she looks at Clarke, all blonde and bubbly and wearing a leather jacket (she hadn't noticed that before either) and she laughs.
"What?" Clarke takes her eyes of the road, almost laughing herself, but baffled.
"I didn't pick you for a country girl." Lexa teases. Clarke thinks it's the first time she's seen that look on her face. She's making fun of her and it makes Clarke want to do all sort of ridiculous things just to keep it going. But she ignores that thought.
"Oh" She laughs. "This is my dad's car. He loved country. He only programmed country radio stations in this old thing, apparently." Clarke presses the buttons for different stations and they all play similar tunes. It makes Lexa laugh again.
"You two share a car?"
"No, he left it to me." Clarke says like it's not big deal. But they can both feel it's a big deal.
An easy silence falls between them though. Clarke's not looking for consolation and Lexa doesn't feel pressured to offer her any. Instead, she goes for a polite answer. "That's nice."
"I mean, it's practical. And helps, you know, helps me not…forget about him? I don't know." Clarke's hands hold the steering wheel tightly, never taking her eye of the road. "It still smells like him." The girl doesn't seem sad, Lexa noticed. But her blue eyes look haunted. And she knows that feeling even better than sadness.
"You won't forget him. With or without the car, he'll always be your dad." She states it so strongly, and wants to take it back so bad as soon as she says it. Who does she think she is weighing on a strangers mourning. Just because she lost Costia it doesn't mean she knows anything about anyone else's sorrow. But Clarke had that look that reminded her so much of herself a few years ago. She remembers feeling like no one would ever understand the burden Costia's love left in her after it was taken away from her.
"I'm sorry, I don't know why- It's none of my business, I'm sorry." Lexa considers opening the door of the car while it's still moving and jumping. This is why she doesn't talk to people. Because she doesn't know what to say and when she does say something it's never right or enough or appropriate.
"No, that was nice. It- it made me feel a bit better." Clarke's voice gets deeper. Her throat tightened at Lexa's previous words. And Lexa can tell she's fighting off her emotions.
"Well, I'm glad my lack of social skills is helping someone at least." She jokes. She remembers Costia doing that for her when her emotions got the better of her, too. And when Clarke laughs, she's grateful she could help. Maybe saying something wasn't so bad.
Suddenly, Lexa notices with all the traffic that she hadn't been paying attention and the intergroup building is just two blocks away. If she can get out now, she can avoid telling Clarke where she's going completely.
"You can just drop me off here."
"Oh, where are you going?"
"It's fine. Just drop me in this corner." Lexa's already taking off her seatbelt and Clarke's utterly confused. They were having a moment a minute ago and now Lexa can't wait to get out of the car. She wants to ask because that's what she does, but she remembers the girl's shy by nature and really, who is she to demand any answers from the striking brunette. Still, the streets are crowded and it's still raining.
"Don't be silly-"
"I'm not. Here's fine." Clarke's taken back by Lexa's angry tone, but she can also tell the girl didn't mean it. If she's so anxious about getting out of the car, there must be a good reason. Clarke wants to know, but she decides to let it go.
"OK…"
"I'm sorry, I'm just very late and I- I have to get going." She's back to politely apologizing.
"It's OK"
"I'm sorry."
Clarke stops the car at the next corner.
"You apologize too much." She jokes. She wants Lexa to know that everything's fine. Lexa smiles back, still a bit regretful.
"Thanks again. You didn't have to."
Lexa opens the door and steps out of Clarke's car.
"I did. I wasn't going to let you drown out there." Lexa gives her a look. "Dramatic, I know." They share a laugh. It's all back to normal, it seems.
"See ya"
Lexa pulls her coat tighter around her, turns around and is about to run when Clarke's voice stops her.
"I'll have that cherry pie for you tomorrow." Lexa nods and smiles coyly. Maybe even laughs a bit, Clarke can't tell because as soon as she's out of the car she's running, only god knows where.
As she gets out of the parking lot at Raven's apartment building, she heads to the diner across the street to meet her friend. She has been texting her regularly, but avoiding actually hanging out with her and the rest of the gang for a month. Bellamy texts her once a day to check in on her, Lincoln calls her every Friday after work to ask how she's doing and offers to buy her a drink (she politely declines every time), and Octavia has decided, resentfully, she won't worry about her if she doesn't want to be worried about. At least that's what she tells herself, but the doorman at her building has said the small ferocious looking girl had been around at least three times the past month, accidentally missing Clarke every time and asking him not to tell her. But he feels it is his duty to inform her of such things. Also, he just really loves gossip.
It worries her that Octavia worries about her. And that she's mad at her for keeping to herself ever since the funeral. It worries her that she should care more about it, and it worries her that she doesn't really seem to mind. She feels numb and it's soothing. Like floating in cold water. You get used to it after a while and then you forget you were ever cold and let the water take you.
Raven's the one who doesn't put up with it at all. Clarke could never put any boundaries between them. She doesn't care if Clarke doesn't want to see her. Doesn't care if Clarke never answers her calls and texts. She doesn't care, because she knows Clarke is going through something and if Clarke doesn't pick up her phone she just shows up at her apartment or at work with no warning. Two days ago she said they were going to have diner on Tuesday and before Clarke could decline, Raven announced she wasn't asking her. It wasn't up for discussion. "If you don't show up, I'm calling Abby and telling her you've been hiding in your apartment all this time." Clarke shuddered at the thought of her mother finding out just how bad things were going for her. She wasn't a nurse anymore and she wasn't an artist yet. She was grieving and alone and working a dead-end job and Abby would have her locked up in a mental facility if she ever found out she cried herself to sleep most nights. That's just how menacing her mother's overprotectiveness got when it came to her (and sometimes Raven).
She didn't feel like going in right away, checking through the windows if Raven was already inside. She wasn't, and as she stood under the roof at the entrance waiting for Raven she started picturing a million ways she could still get out of this dinner if she only had the guts to ever go against Raven. Looking around to keep herself from getting bored, she noticed the night was unusually quiet. There weren't a lot of people walking around due to the rain, but sitting at the stairs of an intergroup building across the street there was a girl, shivering as she took the last couple of drags out of her cigarette. She looked familiar. Curly hair, small frame, black coat.
Lexa walked into the building after throwing the cigarette away, passing next to the sign outside that said "Alcoholics Anonymous meetings: Tuesdays 8 PM".
Clarke stood there and watched as Lexa went in with a couple other people that greeted her at the door. She didn't know what to do with this new information. Was that why the girl didn't want her to know where she was going? Was she embarrassed? Or was she just very private?
She'd never met an alcoholic girl that young. She didn't seem like the type to go all out for parties. She barely even spoke. Clarke had noticed how she walked around with her eyes on the ground, trying to go unnoticed wherever she went at work. She couldn't picture Lexa getting drunk in a bar, or out with a group of friends. Then again, her dad was also kind of a loner and that didn't stop him from drinking himself to sleep every night. There's all kinds of alcoholics, she reminded herself.
Raven brought her out of her thoughts with a single yell from across the street.
"Griff!"
Raven walked towards her all smug. She knew Clarke would show up after that threat and she was enjoying the power she had over her friend. Clarke wanted to be upset, or at least look like it, but Raven went from smug to mushy as she finally reached her and hugged her like they hadn't seen each other in two weeks. Which they hadn't.
"Finally out of your cave, huh?"
"Not by choice."
"Please. You missed me. You just needed a reminder."
"You threatened to sick my mom on me."
"Did not. I just casually mentioned I might talk to your mom at some point"
"You knew I couldn't say no and you're an asshole" Clarke playfully punched Raven on the arm as they walked into the diner. Raven rubbed her arm, as if the punch had really hurt her.
"OK, OK, I threatened you. But be honest…"
"What?"
"You missed me."
"I…might have thought about you now and again when I wasn't so busy working. And maybe considered checking your Facebook to see if you were alive."
"Aw, you missed me" Raven pretended to be touched by Clarke's words and Clarke laughed in spite of herself. They went into the diner sat down at the first table they found. The place was full and no waiters had noticed them yet.
"I'm guessing you didn't just bring me here to talk about how much I've missed you, right?"
"You underestimate my need for constant adoration" Raven took one of the menus on the table and searched through it, distractedly.
"Raven."
"Clarke." This time, Raven looked up from the menu. Clarke was serious.
"Come on. What do you want to talk about? Did you really just want to catch up?"
"Yeah" Raven acted insulted. "Of course I wanted to catch up." And then, nervously "But, also-"
"Hello, girls"
Clarke turned around. Abby was there, holding her coat in her hands and smiling like she didn't know Clarke didn't want to see her.
"Abby wanted to see you. I'm-I'm sorry". Whispered Raven. The banter was gone and Raven ducked her head, not wanting to meet Clarke's angry glare.
"May I sit down?" Asked Abby, hopefully.
It was going to be a longer night than usual.
